Category: /b/

Level up! Ryan gains +7 self-confidence!

Maybe pay more attention to the headlines from now on if you care to follow this little side-story. Writing about, uh, certain matters explicitly is against my wishes to keep my more feelingy feelings and this blog separate. So far I’m doing alright, but the last few posts have been more against that policy than I like. Even this one is a bit out of place. But I shall continue my explaination, so bear with it or just skip to the next paragraph. I mean, the last couple posts (16th and 13th, really) discuss topics that I had hoped to keep my site completely clean of, but I guess it’s kind of a good idea to have a place to vent. I have trouble talking to people about stuff, and I know keeping everything locked inside to fester as a mental illness is a bad idea. Hell, even this post here is completely shattering my dreams of a “guy without feelings” reputation. But I’ll try to keep the feely stuff to a bare minimum, and if it’s necessary, I’ll make sure it’s uncomprehensible or coated in a finely crafted metaphor.

As for why I’m posting today, the new Steve article is up. Sadly, they won’t be coming weekly anymore, but only every three weeks. Seems it’s too much of a workload for him. I’d call him a wuss, but I’m no better for writing stuff.

And now, some links that I’ve gotten from recent IM conversations! (and other places!)

Notepad.org – I think it’s a joke… I can’t be sure. I’ve got nothing better to link to though.

Conquer – Some online game a friend plays. I’m downloading it right now, so I can’t tell you how it is. And I’ll probably never touch on it again.

MegaTokyo – Apparently quite a good comic. Something about Largo being real funny. I don’t know, I’m just throwing out whatever here.

Dad’s Home – A flash animation that slightly confuses me, but gets a link because of the F-Zero music that fits in just so perfectly.

Online Word Counter – Because those of us out there without a program that does the job will find it handy.

Put the seat down? Never again!

So I’m sitting at work yesterday, and I hear some of the women complaining about how the guys are always leaving the toilet seat up in the staff bathroom. This got me to thinking why exactly they have such a problem with the seat being up. After a good 13 or so minutes of hard thinking and a little research, I discovered that it’s just another very subtle way of them trying to turn us men into their slaves. Very subtle, but you can’t just take total mind control in big steps. It has to be slowly woven in. Trust me, I deal with mind control issues all the time. I know these things.

Now, what exactly is their beef with having the seat up? Is it because they’re stupid and don’t look before they sit down, and then fall in? While this is a hilarious possibility, it is incorrect. In fact, you’d think that they should appreciate having the seat up, as reassurance that it wasn’t down while we were going, and there isn’t going to be any piss on it. I mean, it’s like a free ticket to a clean seat. But no. They want us to put the seat down when we’re done because they’re just too lazy to do it themselves. Come on, it takes less than a second and no effort whatsoever, yet they still get mad at us for it. What, I ask you, is the big freaking deal? Anyway, they discovered that if they just yell at us every time they have to put the seat down, it’ll eventually become reflex for us to do it and we’ll be following their orders without them even having to tell us what to do. Horrid females and their mind games. And then once they’ve this matter under wraps, they’ll move up to bigger and less trivial things.

So, what I propose is that we do stuff that might really have some effect. First of all, we men must never again put the toilet seat down when we’re done. This will show the women that we’re not responding to their mind games, and will set back their plans of total mind control. Nextly, we should think about just never lifting the seat at all, be it far more troublesome to them to have to clean the seat rather than to put it down. Then when they tell us to put it up when they go, we could propose they have a choice: either it goes up and stays up, or stays down and gets sprinkled. As much as they like to think they can, we have to let them know they cannot have it all. Sometimes they will have to take something at the loss of something else, much like we do every day.

Women have way too much power these days, and we have to take some back. In any case of a man vs a woman, the woman will win, because they would call sexism otherwise. This is not equality. This is bullshit. And our counter-revolution starts with the toilet seats. the next time a woman tells you to put the toilet seat down, just say “Do it yourself, you lazy ho” and walk away. Leave her there to yell or cry or whatever they would do in this situation. Also, be sure to spread the word to any men you meet. This website is not well enough known for it to have a true impact, so I’ll depend on word-of-mouth. We cannot be turned into slaves to any higher degree than we already are! As it is, many men will do anything for a woman simply because they hold the key to, as some might put it, “nookie”. Such a fundamental weakness is all they truly have. If men did not crave this so badly, we would have a much better fighting chance against those power-hungry harpies. If nothing else, neglect to put the seat down just to piss ’em off. And now we turn to RyanMan with the weather.

It’s gonna be a decent week, as far as I can tell. We have forecasts of a looming Steve article coming in form the North. Then there is some heavy posting going on far East. How fast it’ll be here, I can’t quite say. Other than that, things are pretty clam on all fronts. Direct link for dumbasses. Back to you, Funk Master.

That’s actually the end of our coverage for today, be sure to tune in to the late night news tomorrow to catch our great coverage of the biggest news this side of the web. You stay classy, internet. I’m Funk Master R. Valentine.

From the desk of Funk Master R. Valentine

There are tons of fun little tests and things to do on the internet, like quizzes to see how you rate in certain areas, “what [series] character are you?” tests, and plenty of different kinds of funny name generators. The Ninja Name generator at Ninja Burger for instance. The latest one I’ve come across is at Playerappreciate.com. If you’re just reading and not clicking links as you go or didn’t bother to look at the picture, it’s a pimp name generator. My pimp name, it’s pretty sweet. I should probably go by it from now on. It’s a little long, but meh. Oh, and if you try it out, you can keep clicking for different names if you don’t like the first one you get. This was the first one I got, but I kept clicking, and the rest were kinda weak.

So lately I’ve been spending a lot of time over at the Mists of Avalon Online message boards. It’s run by a friend of a friend, who just happened to have a mention once before on the site, sometime back in early November. It’s a much more populated forum (about 40 members), and it’s much more lively than my own. And by that, I mean there is activity there. So yes, I’ve been whiling away some time over there, and if you don’t already know of it, I suggest you check it out. Especially for my great views on things such as video games, literature and abortion. Go! sign up! I need more people to form a sort of forum posse.

Okay, third paragraph, video game time. Resident Evil 4 has been challenging the limits of my patience, with some tough areas and annoying as hell fish. Not that they’re attacking me or anything, but you can kill fish and take them as food. Currently, the only populated body of water is the lake, and I have to kill them with harpoons, and well, you take it from there. It’s interesting that the game progresses in chapters, unlike the other games. I guess it’s just a way to gauge how well you’re doing rank-wise, because they show you your accuracy, kills and deaths at each between-chapter save point. I’m on chapter three now, and I’ve fought two great bosses; one really easy, and one slightly tough (killed me five times). Now it’s nighttime, and the evil people are getting more numerous, and evil wolves have started appearing too. They are really hard. I’m not going to ruin the plot, but as far as I can tell at this point, the enemy is aliens. It only makes sense. That or it’s an underground Umbrella splinter faction that’s using a new type of virus thing. I haven’t a clue, but now the president’s daughter is following me around everywhere, and the villagers keep trying to steal her. Oh yes, and now they throw pitchforks as well. It’s getting really hard, and I’m lovin’ every minute of it. Whoo Loverboy.

Doom 3 doesn’t work so well on my PC. It runs, but when it loads rooms, it starts slowing down rather harshly. But at least it’s a good enough game to see past the occasional slowdown. While there isn’t any action in like the first 20 minutes, there are so many cool little things to see and do, it’s mind-blowing. Then again, I already knew that. I played it once before, but never bothered to mention. Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude didn’t go over so well. First of all, it was in Spanish, a language in which I have not been schooled, and it bugged out right after the opening scenes. Those scenes were rather interesting though, as the graphics were pretty sweet, and the background music was Motley Crue’s “Girls Girls Girls”. I’ve been looking for an English version torrent, but haven’t had any luck so far. Please, internet, don’t make me buy this game. I know it won’t be worth paying money for, but I still want to try it out.

Finally, I have to start getting pissed at Capcom right now. In both Rockman.EXE 4 and Rockman Zero 3, thre were E-Reader features. I searched for and bought an E-Reader specifically for these games. But in the North American versions, those features were gone. I as, as they say, was cheezed. But not so badly, as they didn’t really do anything spectacular. BUT – Rockman.EXE 5 also has E-Reader support. it will probably be removed from the NA version again, and this is where they’ve gone too far. One of the coolest features in the game, dubbed “Forte Cross Rockman”, is only attainable by E-card. It’s not important to the game, but Forte is awesome, and a Soul Unison (stop me if I’ve lost you) with him is like the ultimate dream of EXE fanpeoples. Not to mention, it’s better than a regular Soul Unison, because it doesn’t up and go away after three turns. So yes, urge to kill rising and such. They had better leave that E-Reader crap in there this time, and possibly include the card in the game box so I don’t have to buy a kajillion packs looking for the damn thing. All that, and they’ve delayed the release of the GBA MegaMan Anniversary Collection again. Capcom, you’re really cutting it close these days. Funk Master R. Valentine isn’t going to take this much longer.

New year, old problems

Once again, the family computer is whacked. This kicks ass for me, because when that PC doesn’t work, I get to steal the modem and use it for myself. That basically means that I get all the internet whenever I want, no having to put up with other people wanting to use it. Sadly, I have yet again failed to learn from my mistakes, and again, most of my new site stuff is lost to the darkness of that fucked-up hard drive. On the upside, I’m torrenting the hell out of everything I can find. I’ve got the entire Rockman.EXE series and a sweet Tales of Phantasia anime, and over a gigabyte’s worth of wallpapers. Call of Duty and Max Payne are downloading as I type, and I have many other items of interest ready to start when those two finish. I’ve downloaded over 4 gigabytes of stuff in the last day and a half. Fucking amazing for me.

If you read either PVP or Penny-Arcade, you should know already, but if you like webcomics at all, you should write lots and lots of hate mail to the asshole who writes Non Sequitur. Bastard keeps taking shots at webcomic writers.

Back to real stuff, Steve’s written another article. And chances are, you’re on his black list. You know where to find it. And if you don’t, I hate you too.

Sadly, it seems that I’m having trouble keeping up with site updates since I’ve been working. Sure, I’ve put out more articles in the last four months than I did over the summer, where I had three+ months of free time, but just doing the routine stuff like archiving is always taking too long. I need some sort of incentive to get them done, as I’m always putting it off, instead doing fun things in the short time I have between work time and sleep time. Alas, nobody cares, and I’ve probably lost one person who came here by accident and kept reading, because just writing about the site all the time is boring as hell to readers. I know. I just have a terrible habit of doing it way too much. I just seem to be bad at managing a semi-interesting blog. And I don’t want the thing to be totally dedicated to video games, which is really my only alternative. I hate to say it, but if I can’t clean up my act soon, I might just end up quitting. And I don’t want to do that, because I love having a website that (as few as they are) people read. Many of my friends have complimented my site over the span of it’s life, and even some people I don’t know have given me words of gratitude for offering them a little entertainment. But enough of this crap, go read Steve’s article if you haven’t already, and come back tomorrow when i’ll be reviewing the movie I just finished downloading, Nosferatu.

Holy crap. I just realized that I totally forgot the site’s second birthday. Fuck.

*DONG* 5 days remain

Because for the next indeterminable period of time I’ll be waaaay to busy with my new baby and a couple new games coming out this week, I’ve decided that I should leave you with a little something to look into while I’m gone, so here are a few websites that you might want to check out and start reading or whatnot. Go ahead. You might like them.

Rockman.EXE Online – I’ve linked to stuff on it numerous times, and I figured why the hell not do it again. Great site if you like the Rockman.EXE anime, and it’s got a lot of cool features like episode summaries and fanart galleries (including stuff by me!).

Weebl’s Stuff – There’s a link to the Weebl and Bob site on my sidebar, but you’d be a fool to not take a look at all his other stuff. Internet legends like the Kenya video originated from this very place. Plus many other great Flash animations. Badgers badgers badgers badgers. Mushroom! Mushroom!

Sprites Inc. – Everyone loves sprites. Especially MegaMan sprites. OK, not a very interesting site unless you need MegaMan sprites, but since it’s in my favorites and I’ve used said sprites many times, I’ll give it a lil’ shout.

Channel 51 – A cool conspiracy-type site. Go ahead, read through it, and watch the videos of aliens and stuff. There’s a few neat stories and stuff, but not an overwhelming lot, so you could probably read through it all in an hour or less. I suggest doing so.

Orbis Labs – OK, not sure how to explain this one. Just check it out and stuff. Like the link above, it’s kind of up in the air, but they’ve got a pretty neat idea. Seems a little farfetched though. People morphing into armored balls…

eBaum’s World – An all-around entertaining site. It’s got videos, games, soundboards, and all sorts of other junk that’s good for whiling away the time. Like Newgrounds, but with a lot of the extremely bad stuff weeded out. And not based around Flash.

b3ta – I’m pretty sure I’ve linked to this one before too, but it’s worth a second time around just for the constant flow of photoshop hilarity on the main page. Plus all the great videos and games. A real haven for those into cyber culture.

MilkandCookies – Ummm… Yet another humour-based site. Mostly with videos and other things of interest. I’ve really just the same as most of the other links I’ve given, so I can’t think up anything original to say.

Stripped

Massive-type update today. And by that, I mean I finally got around to bringing the fabled Work Blog home. All is set up and ready to go. I even added the sidebar link for every page. So it’s up there now, totally unedited, except for I rearranged it so that it reads from top to bottom, making it easier on you guys. And a few minor things like spelling corrections and picture links (again, for comprehension purposes). On top of that, I got around to picking my Band of the Month. Huzzah! It’s POD! I knew I wanted them up there one of these months, and since I hadn’t figured out anyone else for this month, there they are. Review should be up either tomorrow or Saturday morning. Probably not tomorrow, because I’m spending the day completely cleaning out my room. Cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, getting rid of old crap; the whole nine yards. I’m going to Hell and back, but it’ll be worth it to have a more organized room.

Completely unrelated, my dad did a similar job on the living room today, so the couches and such were moved downstairs. For the first time in my own home, I had the joy of playing video games while sitting on the couch. It’s so much better than the floor or my bed. So much. For the sake of something to look at, I’ve taken some pictures of the endeavor. The front of the empty room. The empty dining area. The new mess in the basement. Playing GameCube on the couch! Crap piled on the table. So you see, there is many a thing to move back into place. Fortunately, all I have to do is help move the couches back. It may be the hard part, but it’s also the shortest.

And let’s get back to what Ryan’s really about: ten days until the DS launch! I’ve been really good about it up until now, and I think with ten days left, I have clearance to get excited. To make things better (and more expensive, too…) Metroid Prime 2: Echoes releases on the 15th, and Viewtiful Joe 2 is due out on the 19th. Luckily for me, those are the only games that I really want until January, when Resident Evil 4 and the GBA MegaMan Anniversary Collection come out. That gives me a few paycheques to save up for Christmas presents. and maybe for some stuff that isn’t video games. Cause I need some of that. Though I did just spend $100 on a jacket, so I guess I’ve done enough non-game buying for a while. At least by my standards.

Finally, my respects to all those fallen soldiers who we dedicate this day to. If it weren’t for you guys, I might not have so many freedoms, and I wouldn’t have earned time and a half today.

ADDENDUM (9:30PM): I just added a banner for Penny Arcade’s Child’s Play charity near the top of the page. It’s a great cause, and I even donated 5 bucks. I know that not many people will see it here, but I like the idea that I’m at least trying to help out. And you know, it’s nice to do good rather than evil once in a while. Make sure you check it out and if you’ve got the means, donate a couple bucks.

I’ve been thinking… no, not really.

In an effort to make the blog here a little more interesting and less annoying day-to-day events, I’m going to start making posts more subject-oriented. That means more posts like my little reviews or Band of the Month. And today’s topic is none other than one of my favorite things in the world: pillows.

Yes, pillows. The mysteries that surround these fluffy bundles of joy are many, but I have one in particular that I would like to tackle today. Why is it that sleeping-type pillows are always rectangular? It’s a question that one would never really think to ask, but it must be asked nonetheless. And I, I shall figure out why this is so. You see, I was pondering the question today while in the midst of catching a few – as the youth say – “z’s”, and I think I came up with a few reasonable answers to this perplexing puzzle. It’s really quite simple you see, for if a fellow such as I could deduce why this is, than surely most everyone else should be able to come up with some sort of solution on their own.

Firstly, and most visually obvious, is that fact that the rectangular pillow simply matches up with the shape of the common bed better than any other familiar pillow shapes. If you’ve ever placed say, a circular or ovalular pillow on a bed, you’ll notice that it simply does not look right. In the most plain way of saying it, the focal point of the bed is the pillow, and if this does not look right, prospective nappers may shun the bed and go off to find what they may think is a better bed. And while the bed is still perfectly good, if it cannot attract nappers, it will go unused and never fulfill it’s role in the circle of furniture life.

A second, and also important point is how the napper will rest on the pillow. While a circular pillow would seem like a more natural shape to seek for a sleeping-type pillow (since it matches the shape of the human head), it will not provide the same type of support as a rectangular pillow. You see, while nappers nap, they tend to roll from side to side, and along with them goes their head. If a napper were using a circular pillow and were to roll to one side, the napper’s head would invariably lose it’s spot on the pillow and be left with no fluffy support. Whereas with a rectangular pillow, the napper can roll the width of the bed, and always be on the pillow due to the rectangle’s wide shape. As one should be able to tell, a square pillow would fail as well, because it also lacks sufficient width. See diagram 7.2B for visual reference.

The last point that I would like you to take notice of is the fact that the rectangular pillow is also the stereotype pillow. It is used all of the time in many, many different forms of media, ranging from comics to movies. Rarely do we see any other-shaped pillows in such mediums, as they are both not as popular, and simply do not adhere to the first rule, as when we see pillows in media, they are almost 100% of the time on beds.

The information in the three points above is clearly enough proof as to why the rectangular pillow is the pillow best suited for being slept on. They are both more visually appealing and more efficient than any other sort of pillow can be when placed in such a situation. I believe that I’ve made my point quite clear by now, and I’m gonna stop typing all scientificky-like now. Back tot he good old ramble-speak.

If you feel cheated by the clear stupidness of this post, I’ve decided to add in a few links just for good measure. And kicks, too.

The Essay Generator – It’s a neat little internet doodad, and I’ve gotten my kicks from it. Be sure to check out the potentially hilarious Proverb Generator as well. Oh, and the other stuff on the page, too.

The Strangerhood – You’ve heard of Red Vs. Blue, right? Well, the Stangerhood is the new production from the same guys that uses The Sims 2 instead of Halo. I haven’t downloaded Episode 1 yet, but the trailer makes it look pretty good. I expect gobs of hilarity. After all, RVB is actually featured on X-Box demo consoles.

MegaMan Zero 3 review – Because I haven’t done one yet. I actually do plan on doing it, but it’s unfortunately near the bottom of the to-do list, right above my review of Kirby and the Amazing Mirror. Which will also be around… Eventually.

Lik-Sang.com – My new best friend. Finally, I can import video game such and suches from all over the world! One of the very few sites I want to buy stuff from that accepts PayPal. Stupid ThinkGeek. Maybe I’ll even save up and buy the super-rare, super-cool Panasonic Q. Unfortunately, it’s also super-expensive…

The end of and era

I actually did it. Just like I said I would. The twelfth and final Chat Radio is now up and ready for reading. You can access it here. If you’ve never heard of Chat Radio because you’re either a total dipwad or are new to the site, the archive is located right here. So yes. It’s pretty short and boring, so I’ve decided to simply steal the best parts and post them right here for all to see.

~ TE Astrology Time! ~

  • Aquarius: You will sleep long into the afternoon tomorrow. Getting up is difficult for you as you know you need to do the dishes. Weather will be to your liking. You will meet a beautiful woman who is interested in the same things you are
  • Pisces: You’ll notice that you’ve made some poor decisions lately and want to make up for them by making better ones in the future. A pair of Hulk Hands will solve your current biggest problem
  • Aries: Your love life is in trouble. Several people are out to get you, and financial trouble is on it’s way. The best course of action requires a big commitment and a rope.
  • Taurus: It’s time to clean up some large messes you’ve made in the past. A mop and bucket will be at your side in the weeks that follow.
  • Gemini: Luck is in your favor. Spend more time looking in places you normally wouldn’t. You will begin to question where your life is going.
  • Cancer: Everyone loves Cancer. I mean hates. Everyone hates Cancer. You should stay away from cell phones, microwaves, the sun, and pretty much everything else to avoid making your situation any worse.
  • Leo: Facial hair will do you no good in the near future. In fact, not much will, as you’ve got one heck of a bad luck steak coming on. Consider spending more time alone.
  • Virgo: Also known as “The Virgin”, your astrological symbol fits you to a tee. Cheese isn’t going to play a big part in your life any time soon. And watch out for holes.
  • Libra: This week is the perfect opportunity to unblock the bowel obstruction you developed three months ago. You will find yourself living in the room of your house that you least expected.
  • Scorpio: Seven. Remember that number, as it’s going to cost you a lot if you forget it. Poison is probably a bad thing to ingest, but give it a try if you’re feeling really lucky, because I see a miracle in the works for you.
  • Sagittarius: Your astrological sign looks a lot like the word spaghetti. This newfound knowledge will help you both in your personal and financial endeavors.
  • Capricorn: Your new favorite word is toaster oven. Yelling this word is ill advised, and should only be done in extreme cases. Try to eat an entire jar of peanut butter today.

The Dick Turtle Surprise Bag!

I’m sure that everyone has seen a surprise bag sometime in their life. They were a very common item in the candy section at dollar stores, and I’m sure that they’ve been other places during their lifespan as well. I know that lately the surprise bag population is starting to dwindle, as I’m seeing less and less of the things every time I visit a buck store. In fact, I haven’t seen any in town for the longest time, and the only place I’ve seen them in the last 5 or so years is at the Bargain Shop out in Lac du Bonnet. And even there they don’t restock the things.

So while we were out there this past weekend, I made it a point to go find one. Sadly, the Nintendo Surprises are totally extinct, and even the Nintendo gum packs are gone without a trace. So I had to settle with one of the lesser brands of surprise bags. I had two choices at hand, one was a pack of random “fun size” candy packs, but the bag displayed what would be in the pack, and that just totally kills the surprise. So, I went with my second, less sanitary-looking choice.

Holy crap, does that look like a poor-ass grab bag or what? Here are a few close-ups, just so you can further absorb the crap that is Dick Turtle’s Surprise Bag.


Firstly, what the hell kind of character is Dick Turtle? Aside from the obvious attempt to rip off the old Ninja Turtles (which raises further questions about how old this thing is), he doesn’t look a thing like a turtle. Who names a turtle Dick? And why would any Richard want his name to be shortened to Dick. You have Rich and Rick, two perfectly good nicknames. But Dick? Come on. Thta thing on his back doesn’t even look remotely like a shell, and instead looks more like air tanks or something of the sort.

And then we get to the bottom of the package, which has promises of cosmic candy, toys and novelty. For some reason, I think that I’m going to be disappointed with what’s inside. I mean with a package like the one above, how good could the contents possibly be? And what are the chances that they’ll be “cosmic”? Why does Dick Turtle have rockets for feet? Since when did turtles need or even want to go to space? At least that kind of supplies reasoning for saying that the stuff inside will be “cosmic”. Turtles are nature’s D student (according to Stewie, anyway), so there’s no way that NASA would accept them. He must be working for those greasy Russians.

The back side isn’t much better. It’s just got Dick Turtle in his usual pose and a list of ingredients. The biggest problem with it is that it’s supposed to contain various crap, and they’ve gone ahead and given a list of ingredients. I guess that most candy is pretty similar in composition, but I’m sure that not all of it is made with the exact same substances. Also on the back is a small note that says “Minimum: candy 20G – 1 toy”. Well that just fills me with hope for what’s going to be in here. I guess it’s time to take a gander inside.

Is this a warning not to take anything that’s inside this bag? I certainly don’t know Dick Turtle, or who put this compilation of what is probably going to be crap together, so I should probably just toss it all out right now. I wonder if Dick Turtle thinks that accepting advice from strangers is okay? But… Wait a minute! Something is wrong right here! It seems that
Dick Turtle may not be exactly who we once thought him to be!

A ha! I knew taking candy and toys from him would be a bad idea. Dick Turtle is actually a space pirate! That slick bastard thought he could sell his crap by taking off his shell and eyepatch and putting on a happy face, but now I’ve seen the real Dick Turtle, and I’m not going to fall for any more of his trickery! But seriously, who the hell made this? Their character has no continuity whatsoever except for that he remains the same species. And I never quite believed that he was really a turtle in the first place. Let’s just hope the rest of this bag o’ crap is as good for reviewing as the bag itself.

On the opposite side of Dick’s advice card is a small maze that I definitely don’t have the attention span to complete. In fact, I don’t have the attention span to write a whole paragraph about it.

The first thing that I grabbed from the bag after that card was this little piece of candy. As you can read on the wrapper, it’s a “Yolk um’s” candy. I have never heard of this candy before, and therefore am surprised. There you go, Dick Turtle. Your bag was a complete success. You surprised me. It says that it’s cream filled, and it doesn’t look like the type of thing that should be cream filled, so I’m not going to eat it. I’ve eaten many a cream filled object, and I’m sure that this one will be a let-down, since I’ve only ever seen its kind in a Dick Turtle surprise bag. Of course, it could be a really popular candy that I’ve never heard of, but I’m better off safe than sorry.

Next up is… a shitty piece of plastic shaped vaguely like vampire fangs. I don’t think any one could review this, so I’ll just take a picture instead.

It was a good movie. I know my representation is a little inaccurate, but I wanted to make the reference. Anyhow, the teeth had a strange taste to them, and I now have a strange rash on the inside of my top lip. I guess this is one of those times where you have to suffer for your art. I should probably have dusted off the hat first, too.

You see, there was an alien head ring and a small toy hockey player, and there was no way I could review them both separately, so I forced the ring on to hockey guy’s head. On the upside, the alien ring was certainly of a “cosmic” air, so the bag wasn’t totally wrong. On the downside, I was feeling the bag before I opened it up to try to tell what was inside, and that hockey guy felt a lot like one of those awesome mini-ninjas. I was so disappointed when I learned the truth.

And the last thing in the bag is… A coffin? Could this be an omen of things that will happen should I eat the rattling stuff inside? Hmmm. Now that I examine the coffin more closely, I can see that there is something written on the top. Just gotta take off the sticker and…

Oh God! It says Mr. Bones! It’s gonna be full of crappy pizza! Augh!

That’s all I’ve got. Sorry.

Inside the coffin was a bunch of candy pieces. And they were some kind of old-looking. They were supposed to be coloured all rainbow-like, but they were also covered in a thick, white dust. I assume it was simply sugar, but you can never bee to careful when dealing with possibly-decades-old candy. There was one really cool thing about them though.

The pieces were all shaped like bones and such, and could be pieced together to form skeletons. I didn’t have quite enough pieces, and they crumbled to dust at the touch, but I did arrange them as if they had been locked together into proper shapes. Well, as proper as you can get when putting small candy bones together. I wasn’t going to eat these things either, because they didn’t even bear the telltale smell of candy, and I wasn’t about to put any other foreign objects in my mouth after the fangs.

That’s all that came in the bag, and I can’t say I’m impressed. Surprised, but not impressed. The candy was old looking and probably poisoned, and the “toys” were boring and common. I still wish I hadn’t put those fangs in my mouth. I’m also pretty pissed at how they totally changed their mascot halfway through the bag. But I guess that it’s not exactly made for people like myself. It really is more of a children’s novelty. In the end though, it made some great review material. There really wasn’t a lot to review though, so I thought I’d add in a little bonus material.

It’s not much, but I was making a bunch of characters on my brother’s “Smackdown: Shut Your mouth” game this weekend. It’s not only a great way to while away the time, but it also satiates my need to create. I made a lot of them and decided that since I did pretty good jobs on the ones based on real characters, I wanted to show them off a little. So I took some screencaps and here they are. Make sure to click on the pics to see some more stuff.

You see? I’m good at making stuff. The only one I’m not totally happy with is Vivi, because I wasn’t sure exactly how he looks, so I kind of had to make it up as I went. Overall, though, I’m very happy with how well I think they all turned out. The article here was a little shorter than I’d hoped, but I didn’t have that much material to work with. I can’t just ramble on forever about five pieces of crap and a plastic bag like I can with a game. Oh well, no biggie.

In the end, I’m just really happy that I’ve made it to 1000 hits. I thought 500 was pretty damn big. And the fact that the site is almost two years old is just the icing on the cake. I never really figured that I’d care about the site longer than a couple of months (just look at Quest for the Cube), but I’ve made it a lot farther than most personal web sites do, and I’ve even had some people who don’t know me e-mail me with compliments. Hah, I guess this December, I’ll have to throw some kind of celebration event. But that’s something to think about another day.