Until I can stop annoying everyone with my excitement for the upcoming Super Smash Bros for 3DS. Then I can annoy everyone with my excitement for the upcoming Super Smash Bros for Wii U! Hooray! As a celebration of only a week left of waiting (which will go by very quickly thanks to Gauntlet and Hyrule Warriors), here are some fun images from the Smash Bros demo that I took with my phone. Because the demo doesn’t let you save screenshots like the full version will. I’m sure that all of my Facebook friends will be just delighted when I start flooding their feeds with Smash Bros screenshots again. 
Smash Speculation: It’s over!
Hey so Super Smash Bros for 3DS has been out for a while (in Japan), and the whole of the roster is known to all. Even to me. Even though I tried to resist. Sometimes people just aren’t very good with their spoilertags. And by that, I mean they don’t realize that spoilertags exist for a reason. Whatever. It’s not a big deal.
I had originally planned to do a final entry in the Smash Speculation series this week, but I just don’t feel like bothering. For one, I’m just tired of doing these samey write-ups. That’s the big one. Sure, they allow me to be a little creative and indulge my fantasies, but each one reads the same and they aren’t fun anymore now that I know that there isn’t the slightest glimmer of hope of them coming true.
And that leads into the second reason I’m done early: not a single one of my predictions came true. Yes, there are a ton of new fighters in this edition of Smash, and most of them are wonderful and look like they’ll be a lot of fun to play, but it’s a little discouraging to be so far off-base. There are a couple questionable newcomers though, and I think that even my dumbest suggestions would be better than a clone of an already kinda lousy character.
OH WELL. I’m still incredibly excited to play the full game, and the demo has certainly made the wait easier. It’s also a much more effective outlet for my hype than these silly write-ups. Only nine more days to go…
For those interested, I was considering Shantae as today’s character. I know she isn’t a Nintendo character, but she’s mostly made her home on Nintendo systems. She would certainly be a more fun (albeit less iconic) third-party character than Sonic. I was playing as him in Brawl the other day, and man, Sonic is just no good.
Fourteen Stupid Ryan “Facts”
Ryan is a well-known stained glass craftsman.
Ryan has read the dictionary from cover to cover.
Ryan owns a pet coconut crab.
Ryan sells maps to the stars’ homes.
Ryan makes the world’s most delicious chocolate crepes.
Ryan is perfectly comfortable interacting with other people.
Ryan once ate seventeen whole pizzas in a single sitting.
Ryan helped to develop an effective anti-aging serum.
Ryan tames lions on the weekends.
Ryan is a visitor from beyond the stars.
Ryan is not in love with Anna Kendrick.
Ryan walks like an Egyptian.
Ryan gave up his rights to the Crown to pursue a career as a mime.
Ryan is simply a persona, TE is actually written by Jack McBrayer.
Super Smashing Robot
As a person who dumps most of his disposable income into Nintendo’s coffers, I’ve been playing the special early release of the Super Smash Bros for 3DS demo for a week, and now it’s available for everyone to download. It’s really great, and has done a wonderful job of making me even more excited for the full version of the game that comes out two weeks from today. Most of the demos I play just reinforce my assumptions that I can skip the game and not care, so that’s a nice change of pace.
Playable Mega Man is the big draw, but he’s not the only interesting thing about the Smash demo. For instance, it’s full of new items and assist trophies. The Gust Jar, for example, is like an incredibly broken variation of the Fire Flower, and the stupid Color TV-Game 15 keeps showing up instead of actual interesting assist characters.
Mario, Link, and Pikachu are the three veterans who show up in the demo, and of the three of them, only Link feels any different. His dash attack is totally different, his Gale Boomerang feels more effective than usual, and he just feels faster overall. Mario still has FLUDD, and Pikachu is still adorable.
Newcomers Mega Man and Villager are the other two playable demo characters, and it turns out that both of them are a blast to play as. Mega Man is wonderful, though his lack of punching feels weird. But the buster makes for an excellent smash attack. Leaf Shield seems utterly useless. Metal Blade does what Metal Blade does, except for being the ultimate weapon for any situation. Crash Bomb would be great if it didn’t have the Gooey Bomb effect of passing over to other players; that drives me nuts.
Villager is so much more fun to play than I’d ever imagined. His attacks are all fun, and I love how he can stuff pretty much anything in his pocket for later use. Riding a gyroid across the stage is a hoot, but I like that you can opt not to ride it as well. His down smash, which takes four uses to actually pull off (plant a seed, water it, chop it twice), is amazing and deals incredible damage if you can actually land a hit with it. I’ll be surprised if Villager doesn’t end up as one of my favourite characters to play in these new games.
I don’t have many other thoughts about the demo that I need to share, but I think it’s important to note that I’ve spent hours playing it. I haven’t spent that much time on a demo since… I don’t know, the days of shareware? I don’t think I even played the Guitar Hero II demo this much, and I was almost as hyped for that as I am for Smash 4.
Smash Speculation: Ravio
Welp, Super Smash Bros for 3DS has been out for half a week in Japan now, and I’m sure that that’s half a week more than Japan needed to entirely unravel the game and learn all of its secrets. But I’m going to try to avoid spoilers as best I can, and truth be told, it’s still August as I’m writing this.
~ Ravio ~
I know that I’ve already done two Zelda characters for this silly feature, but A Link Between Worlds is quite possibly the best Zelda game of them all, and I think it deserves more representation than a handful of trophies. So I present to you today: Ravio the item salesman.
Ravio is an inhabitant of the alternate world of Lorule. He shows up in Link’s house one day and requests to set up shop there while Link is on his big adventure. Link is then able to rent as many of the game’s tools as he can afford. For a steeper price, he can even purchase them permanently. Ravio plays a role during the ending of the game too, but I won’t spoil that as A Link Between World is still less than a year old.
Ravio would probably be a mostly hand-to-hand fighter, but he should also have access to the few tools that Link doesn’t use in Smash. The doesn’t leave a whole lot, and the bulk of them would be reserved for special attacks, natch. The one I didn’t place on a special, the Hammer, could be his forward smash attack. It’s basic enough that it could be used for more than that though, and I think it’d be fun if he used the hammer to knock away his enemies for his throws.
His up smash, on the other hand, would be swinging his big bag of rupees over his head. The rupee bag is a pretty important part of Ravio’s character, and it’s gotta be in there somewhere. Down smash could have Ravio’s little pet bird, Sheerow, fly in a loop around Ravios’s legs. I’d like to work Sheerow in there a little more, maybe for some standard attacks. It’d likely be a part of Ravio’s taunts as well.
As for specials, Link took all the usual tools, so all Ravio is left with is the magical rods. That’s alright by me, as they actually fit really well into a Smash moveset. Neutral special is the Ice Rod. Just like in ALBW, it’d create a block of ice in the air in front of Ravio which would then smash down. How fast it moves is up for debate, but I see it as a pretty damaging move, so it’d probably leave a pretty good window for getting out from under it.
Forward special is the Fire Rod, which creates a small pillar of flame that moves forward along the ground. I haven’t thought a lot about how the custom special moves would factor into my character suggestions, but the Fire Rod is easy. One alternate is the Nice Fire Rod, which shoots out the bigger pillar, which is slower and doesn’t travel as far. The other is the Classic Fire Rod, which just shoots a little fireball straight ahead. It’s faster than the pillars, but doesn’t do as much damage.
Up special is obviously the Tornado Rod. Seriously, this character profile just writes itself. This one makes a little tornado around Ravio which lifts him upwards. It does minimal damage to enemies, but will blow them away, which could be really handy if you and a foe are both trying to get back onto the stage.
The Sand Rod is the down special, and the only one that I had to think about at all. On the ground, it works similarly to the Fire Rod, in that it creates a pillar of sand in front of Ravio. The pillar will rise out of the ground, and become a solid part of the environment for a few seconds. It’ll hurt anyone it hits as it’s rising, and knock them straight upward. If used in the air, it does pretty much the same thing, but the pillar will rise directly below Ravio.
Ravio’s final smash is a tough one, because I’m out of obvious choices. I’m on the fence between two ideas though. The first is that he somehow combines the powers of all his magic rods. I’m not sure how it would work exactly, but I am sure it would be quite the spectacle. The second idea is summoning the Mother Maiamai to inhale his foes and shoot them right off the screen. Or maybe something involving the horde of baby maiamais. Who knows?
It’s not the most imaginative character out there, but I really like the idea of having a Zelda character who wields all of the magic rods. And Ravio fits into that role quite snugly, you know? I can see a reason why player might take issue with Ravio being included on the roster, but I think that he’d be great. As long as he’s not another Link clone.
Previous: Paper Mario
Next: Conclusion
What the Halls?
I’m not smart enough to write a comprehensible screed about why the little motivational slogans on the Halls cough drops wrappers annoy me, but rest assured, the little motivational slogans on the Halls cough drops wrappers most definitely annoy me.
The end of freedom (for 2014)
Well, that’s it. My last week of vacation for this year is over. It’s really depressing, knowing that I’ve got at least three and a half months left before I get any more time off. And even then, I won’t be taking any vacation time until March at the very earliest, so it’s more like six months. On the brighter side, since next month marks my five-year anniversary with my current employer, I will be awarded with a fourth week of paid vacation next year. Hooray! Life is wonderful!
So you’re probably thinking that I must have done something really special for my final week of vacation, what with it also having been my birthday and all. And you’d be so horribly wrong. Don’t you know me at all? I spent most of the time off playing video games and watching Netflix. It’s just what I do, as an introvert with no ambition or motivation whatsoever.
Smash Speculation: Paper Mario
I’m at my wit’s end here. I’ve already written up profiles for all of the characters that I am genuinely hoping to see in the newest Smash Bros. So let’s go in a slightly different direction this week and talk about a character who I’m not personally invested in, but other people seem pretty hopeful for.
~ Paper Mario ~
Yeah. I don’t know, I guess it’s a good idea. Certainly better than Dr. Mario anyway. And I say that as a big fan of the Doctor. The thing about Paper Mario is that he’d be a totally unique character from regular Mario, as opposed to just being a clone with a different projectile attack.
I’m thinking that most of Paper Mario’s standard attacks would revolve around his hammer. It’s never quite so versatile, but it is more or less his main method of attacking throughout all of the Paper Mario games. Next to jumping, anyway. And it’s hard to make a decent moveset around simply jumping. I suppose he could have some punches too, but I like making the hammer the main focus of the character.
All of his special and smash attacks would enlist the help of some of Paper Mario’s partner characters from the first two games. Forward smash would be Bow’s fan smack. Up smash calls Sushie to do a tail slap above Mario. Down smash has Watt appearing and sending out a low jolt of electricity on both sides. This is actually all falling into place quite nicely.
Up special calls Parakarry, who lifts Mario upwards. Anybody that they crash into as they ascend will take damage. Alternately, Lakilester could show up instead, and allow Mario to ride in his cloud for a couple seconds. The cloud would be controllable, of course. Mario would still be vulnerable while in the could, but wouldn’t be able to use any attacks of his own.
Neutral special could have either Goombario or Goombella show up and use a headbutt attack. Straight ahead, medium-range, medium damage. There really isn’t anything “special” about this special move, and I’d honestly considered that it just be the forward smash, but it sort of feels like it should be a special, doesn’t it?
Forward special has Paper Mario kick one of several partners forward, either Kooper, Bombette, or Koops. Kooper would function just like a regular shell and slide forward until he goes off the stage, passing through anyone he hits. Bombette would bounce forward a little and explode on impact, or after a few seconds if she didn’t hit anything. Koops would be like Kooper, but bounce off of any foes he hits, making it possible for him to ricochet around the stage for a while. I don’t know if these partners would cycle in a defined order like Olimar’s Pikmin, or if they would be randomly selected. Maybe each one is a different custom selection?
Down special calls in Madame Flurrie to use her gale force attack, which basically just blows other fighters away. Equally as useless as standard Mario’s FLUDD, but at least this one doesn’t need to be charged up first. And custom moves could give you the option of icy breath, which could freeze other fighters, and possibly some sort of hail breath, which would cause damage as well as blow them away.
Adding onto the idea of calling in friends for support, Paper Mario’s final smash would summon in Paper Peach, Paper Bowser, and Paper Luigi to chase around your opponents and beat them up. The paper friends would hang around for maybe 30 seconds or so before vanishing, and they’d be invincible during that time. You could hit them, sure, but they wouldn’t actually take damage, so it’d be hard to KO them. Paper Peach is obviously the quickest and weakest, and attacks with her parasol. Paper Luigi is the average and attacks with jumps and fireballs. Paper Bowser is slow but hits hard, and attacks with claw swipes and fire breath.
I didn’t include anything from Paper Mario: Sticker Star in here because… well, I just didn’t like it all that much. And Paper Mario usually has a vast repertoire of special abilities in his games, but I figured that it’d be more interesting if he relied on his partners for his flashier moves. Makes him stand out a little more, I feel.
And that’s about all I have to say. I’m not really rooting for Paper Mario myself, but he could certainly be an interesting character, and there are plenty of other ways that the Smash developers could go with him besides what I’ve written down. It’d just be a darn shame if he ended up being a flat clone of Mario. I wouldn’t worry too much about that happening, though.
Previous: Shiftry
Next: Ravio
Talking about Sleigh Bells
I’m sure that I’ve mentioned before that for at least the last decade, I’ve been introduced to a lot of music through video games. Maybe that seems weird, but I don’t know any music nerds, so it’s not like I have anyone constantly chiding my tastes and telling me what I should be listening to. In fact, I think that I might be the biggest music nerd I know, on the basis of I’m the only person I know who even tried to write about music. And I’m kind of a dick when people listen to things I don’t like. That, I think, would be the better example.
Ever since the first Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater, I’ve been picking out songs I like that are included on game soundtracks and following up to see what the bands are all about. A great many of my favourite bands were introduced to me through video games. Thrice, Paramore, The Vandals, Anamanaguchi, Dragonforce. The list goes on.
But today, let’s talk about Sleigh Bells. If you haven’t guessed yet, this post is not just an anecdote, but my monthly attempt to write some semi-coherent thoughts about music. This is where most people will stop reading.
Their debut album, Treats, is my most recent iTunes purchase, and a pretty good one at that. I often sit and listen to track previews for weeks or even months before purchasing an album from a new band, because I’m very indecisive by nature. But with Treats, I pretty much just shouted “Take my money!” at my phone as I mashed the Buy Album button.. It should be noted that I was at work when I bought this album.
Let’s start at the start. Sleigh Bells have a song featured in Lollipop Chainsaw called “Riot Rhythm” that I was totally into, but never bothered to look up. It wasn’t until I heard it again in Saints Row: The Third that I decided to look into this band a little deeper.
I won’t lie, Sleigh Bells, to most people, will simply sound like noise. It’s eclectic and eccentric and all over the place. But there’s also an order to it all, if you’re willing to actually listen and absorb what you’re hearing. I think “brilliant” might be overselling them a little, but they’re in that ballpark somewhere.
Sleigh Bells is the kind of band that you would never expect that I’d like.
The album is not perfect. In fact, it does a lot of the thing I generally dislike in music. Mindless repetition, for example. The lyrics of the song “A/B Machines” are simply “Got my A machines on the table/Got my B machines in the drawer” repeated for three and a half minutes. Yet it’s one of my favourite songs from Treats. The thing about Sleigh Bells is that you’ve simply got to accept the vocals as another instrument, not an actual voice trying to say something. A few songs have a little more depth to their lyrics, but it’s perfectly safe to consider Treats an instrumental album.
The middle of the album is a little weak, too. The first four songs and the last four song are wonderful and I could listen to them forever, but the three in the middle are sort of slow and bland. They’re not unlistenable or anything, but there’s definitely a lull in there. It lacks the energy and creativity of the rest of the album.
That’s it; I’ll keep it short. If you need more to work with before you try Sleigh Bells out for yourself, go listen to “Riot Rhythm,” “Infinity Guitars,” and “A/B Machines” on YouTube. It’s worth ten minutes of your time, don’t you think?
Fourteen Stupid Ryan Facts
Ryan likes to do kung-fu kicks when nobody’s looking.
Ryan drinks between two and four cappuccinos every work day.
Ryan generally doesn’t drink coffee on weekends.
Ryan dreams about living a carefree life on the high seas.
Ryan’s greatest fear is ghosts. And recently, murderous robots.
Ryan suffers from trichotillomania, specifically in the mustache area.
Ryan dislikes hot weather.
Ryan hits the snooze button on his alarm up to seven times some mornings.
Ryan is not a fan of dress pants.
Ryan tries a little too hard to hold on to his past.
Ryan is not a bear.
Ryan does wish that he could do a better Winnie the Pooh voice, though.
Ryan sometimes wonders what ambition feels like.
Ryan is hungry.