Band of the Month – September 2005

Boom. Check this, kids. This month’s band is another one of those foreign ones. Also, they’re another one of those bands that nobody’s heard of, and I only came across because they were featured in a video game. And to top it all off, they play a style of music I almost never talk about, but absolutey love to listen to. Today, we pay tribute to the Asianest surf gutar band this side of anywhere: the Surf Coasters.

Yeah, they’re this Japanese surf band that absolutely rocks. Well, that’s maybe saying a bit much. You see, I’ve only really heard about a total of seven or so songs from them, but trust em on this one, they’re good. I originally heard of ’em when I found out they were headlingin the soundtrack to Musashi: Samurai Legend. Turns out they were just doing the main theme, but any publicity is good publicity, right? After I sampled the sweet tune known as “Samurai Struck”, I myself was quite struck and immediately went on a search for more. Sadly, music by the Surf Coasters is harder to come by on the internet than a website without ads. It’s out there somewhere, but you’re going to spend a lot of time and effort looking for it.

So here’s something new to learn about me: I love surf music. Not a big fan of the sport so much, but nothing can even compare to the wail of a surf guitar. And you all know what I’m talking about, whether you think you do or not. The Surf Coasters (just like any other surf band worth it’s salt) has covered “Misirlou”, and you know “Misirlou”. Think Pulp Fiction. If nothing else, it’s the easiest SC song to find, so go check that out. You’ll recognize it immediately. The only surf song more well known is Wipeout, but that’s like the definition of surf music. Anyhow, Surf Coasters rock.

The “Misirlou” is great, but at least some of their other stuff shines too, like “Shark Attack” and “Kuroshiro”, or even the mellowed-out “Adventures in Paradise”. I really haven’t heard many songs other than the ones I mentioned, and I’m not about to make a complete list, but it’s all been good. I’d say more, but I’m not sure what to say, and I’m pretty much satisfied with giving a more obscure band a turn in the spotlight. So yeah, go download some tunes by the Surf Coasters, if for no other reason than to help me in my search for more. I’d import, but it’s damned expensive.

Also, good news for me! Planet Megaman is finally back after being down for like the whole summer. (EDIT – Or not so much…) You probably don’t give much of a damn, but it was an important part of my “daily rounds”. And on a completely different note, I go back to school in three and a half hours. After 14 months of not-learning, my brain has gotten used to being used as little as possible, so we’ll see how this goes.

I’m bored. Here’s links

Heys there. I’ll be having a new article up by the end of the day, but not now. Check back every couple hours or so. For now, here’s them links the title promised.

Excellent new Homestar Runner cartoon

Just read the first mail. Then say it with me: DOUCHEBAG!

Huge Wikipedia entry on the worst the internet has to offer.

Robosapien V2 sounds really sweet. I want one.

This is about on par with Scientology for being bullshit.

ADDENDUM(6:58PM) – The all-powerful Super Article is now up. Though I should warn you, I may be over-hyping it… Also, I stepped on a bigass staple and can no longer walk painlessly.

The Super Article – Triple Surprise Bags!

It’s here, everyone! The “Super-Article” I’ve been teasing you about is finally upon us! And it’s not so super after all! Ha ha! You’ve all been duped and I am a genius. Hey, why don’t we just forget about all my attempted hype and get to the article. Yeah, it’s about surprise bags. You all love them, so here’s a really big article about them with big pictures, some package scans, and even a video. This is gonna be the best article ever!

The surprise bags are getting to be sort of a mainstay on the ol’ site, and I’m thinking that they’re gonna be sticking around for quite some time to come. I mean, they’re easy to review, and there’s always a cornucopia of interesting stuff inside ’em. Movies are tougher to review (at least for me) and video games usually end up being way too similar to one another, so surprise bags are a good alternative.

The only problem is reviewing the same kind of surprise bag. See, the first time you do one, you’ve got the bag and stuff to review as well as the contents, but the second time, you’ve gotta skip the bag or paraphrase what you said last time. Course, you could always think up new stuff to say, but that’s aside from my point. It’s time to bust out a new type of surprise bag. We’ve seen the legendary Nintendo Surprise and Dick Turtle has spawned two articles, now you will tremble in fear as I introduce the Surprise Sac Bag!!

Yeah, I know. It’s really just Surprise Bag. But some fools out there who don’t know French might be confused into thinking that it’s actually called a Sac Bag. Though really, “sac” should have a “k” at the end, but I’m just reaching now. And it’s only been three and a half paragraphs so far. So now that I’m off to a terrible start, let’s take a look at some package scans! The most logical place to start would be the front of the bag. So there it is. Time to do some reviewin’.

Well, this one’s got a clown on it. Not quite as cool as Nintendo characters, and not nearly as inconsistent as Dick Turtle, but he certainly fits the bill. I think. I mean, clowns are known for entertaining kids, and the bag is for kids and stuff. So it works out. It also makes sure we know that the bag contains toys and candy by having it printed on the bag a thousand times. There are even a several spinning tops pictured on the bag, so I’m hoping that I get me a spinnin’ top. I love them tops. But I don’t love TopMan. Particularly TopMan.EXE. Stupid old geezer.

The back of the bag is just as eventless as the front, and maybe even a bit less entertaining. Among the few bits of information we can glean from the back, we noticed that this particular line of surprise bags is produced in Quebec. Later on, you’ll find that the origin of the contents of the bag might be a little more… overseas. Anywho, the back also sports ingredient lists (which would help show that the edible contents are standardized) and a Nutrition Facts box. There is no nutrition in candy, so it’s really just showing how much sugar is in the stuff. Yeah. Asinine, I know. But it’s standard protocol, I guess.

But enough of that crap. There’s nothing on the back to talk about. So let’s see what’s inside this baby.

Notice immediately the lack of spinning top. I am both disappointed and filled with rage. But there is quite a bit of interesting looking crap there, so we’ll take a closer look and find out just what’s going down. That big red bubble thing is just calling out to me.

First up we’ve got a buncha candies. The package says that they’re called “Chik”. Stange name for a candy. A little too strange if you ask me. They seem to be produced by a company called Gomy, but this Gomy is an elusive fellow. I searched and searched, but the best I could come up with is this. Elusive indeed. Perhaps they should rather be called… um… I don’t know. But to get back to the candy, the Chiks are actually gum rather than candy. They’re not too bad, and have a surprising longevity as far as retaining flavour goes. The downside being that not only do they resemble cinderblocks in shape, but also in toughness. My teeth would have probably been better off if I were chewing on a brick.

Wow. Just looking at it makes me think of the good times. I don’t know why, though, because this round lump of plastic is like the biggest mystery I’ve never solved. It’s got a ring stuck into one end, so I’m guessing that it’s supposed to go on your finger or something. But that’s about as far as I get. It might be some kind of very low-budget water squirting device, but it doesn’t lend itself very well to being squashed. Hell, it could even be part of some group of objects that were split up and placed in random surprise bags to be spread around the world and then collected and assembled to grant you a wish or something. No, wait. That’s a Dragon Ball. Damn. So much for my lead.

If you have any idea whatsoever of what this doodad might be, I urge you to send me any information you might have. Not knowing what this thing is will plague me until the end of time! I request your aid for the greater good! Or something like that. Until then, I’ll just go around sporting a bulbous hunk of plastic on my finger in hopes that some passerby will be able to identify it for me.

These, my friends, are Gestitos. While it sounds similar, they are not in fact tiny burritos. Rest assured, the world weeps right along with you. What they are is… well, foreign hard candy. While I can’t find anything at all about the candy, according to a Google search, “Gestito” seems to be some sort of Spanish slang. And Urban Dictionary didn’t help much either (not that I truly believed it would), but I do love to get in a good man nap every once in a while.

To summarize, the Gestitos are pretty good. I ate an orange one. I didn’t even open the others to see if there are different flavours. Why? Well, there’s a chance that these are infected with many different diseases, what with coming from a Spanish country and all (Would you consider that racist?), and I’m only taking as much for the team as I have to so that I can file a decent report, not even a tiny bit more. That means I’m only going to ingest one piece of any types of candy that are contained within the confines of a surprise bag. Except Nintendo surprise. Nintendo doesn’t have a reputation for spreading foodborne illnesses. Yet.

OOH! A lion! And it’s one of those rare white lions to boot! Look at that display of majesty and his king-of-the-jungleness as he stalks his prey of stray hairs and Dorito crumbs. I should probably vacuum my floor every once in a decade. Well then. Maybe the white lion isn’t as impressive as I thought it to be. Or as rare.

Chupa Chups. Nummy nummy. Chupa Chups. Some people are freaks.

I was a little disappointed at the false rarity of the white lion, but here’s a rare beast for the aaaages. Entei! King of Fire! But alas, Entei is most certainly not Pokémon number 93. This I know because I am a loo-hoo-hooser. Also known as “grown man who likes Pokémon”. Meh. I’m not the only one.

The Entei disc-thing is a little curious not only in it’s numerical error, but also because while it touts that it was made in the U.S.A. I have a really hard time believing that claim. Do you want to know why? Well, I’ll tell you a bit later once we get some more evidence rounded up. As they say, “gotta catch ’em all”. It makes sense in my head.

And so concludes this surprise bag. Ah, but wait, I promised a Super Article with bigger pictures, scans, and a video? Well I most certainly delivered on the bigger pictures bit, and did a half-assed job of scanning stuff, but I guess you caught me on the video bit. You could have also gotten me by noting that the length is hardly even fit for a sidekick, nevermind a full-fledged Super Article. Well, if you think it’s really over, I’ve got a surprise for you. That is, if you didn’t already just scroll through the whole page looking at the pictures. You cheater. I oughta have you banned. But nay, you shall get what I deserve, and have to read about…

Two more Surprise Sac Bags! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha! The look on your face is most delicious! Soon you will be consumed by the monstrous monstrosity that is the rest of this article! Prepare for DOOM, infidels! DOOOOOOOM! Hey, I warned you in the title. You signed the proverbial waiver.

So I noticed something interesting on the back of the packages. Check this out.

A HAH! I knew it. Those dirty Mexicans (literally, I have nothing against them except for the filth, really) are behind this, and only using Quebec as a front! And I bet those damn separatists are happy to help the Mexicans peddle this shit (n. Things; items.). This also further proves that the Entei disc was not made in the U.S.A. as it would like to have us believe. And there will be more, my friends. More and more and more and more. And then maybe even some more. But that would be the end of it there.

The second Sac Bag didn’t yield any more spinning top than the first, so I’m putting all my chips on lucky number three. Or third time’s a charm. What?

Yeah, not too much new in this bag, so it’s gonna seem like familiar territory for at least a while. Just keep your limbs and head in the vehicle at all times and try not to vomit on your seating partner.

What a surprise. More Gomy Chiks. but it seems that these ones are of a different race. The last ones were red, and these yellow. But what’s that in the background by that mostly empty CD rack? A purple Chik? This is astonishing, and a very interesting development in what we know about the social lives of Gomy Chiks. It would appear that Chiks will only hang out with those of their own colour. This closely resembles the social habits of the marshmallow Peep, which will only very seldom, almost never even, be seen with Peeps of a different colour. Too many links makes Ryan’s article look boring and too full of links.

Chupa chupa chupa chupa. Chu chu chu? Chupa chupa Chup! Chupaaa… >:(

Cuadri Gum. Of all the things I’ve seen and am going to see, I’m pretty sure this one is going to be the one that is the most essential to Google. And after said Googling, I found one single result. And I’m pretty sure that page wasn’t written with sanity in mind. However, this was using quotations, so I probably could have found more, but we’ll say that the internet doesn’t recognize the existence of Cuadri Gum. Honestly, I got results for gum, and Cuadri, but none for both. I don’t want to eat the Cuadri. Don’t make me eat the Cuadri. Please?

For the sake of good fake journalism, I’m gonna bite the bullet here. After five minutes of trying to separate the wrapper from the gum, I was horrified to find that it was already well moistened. Light was literally gleaning off the wet bits, and I was totally not prepared to put it into my mouth. Hell, touching it scared me enough. But every good captain goes down with his ship, and while that has no relevance to this situation, it’s an honourable gesture. So the gum was gross. At first it tasted like normal, but then it grew more and more vomit-inducing. Here’s a tip. If you ever come across Cuadri Gum, take it to the nearest church, have it exorcised, and then shoot it repeatedly with a bazooka. I swear that this stuff was not made in Mexico, but in Hell itself.

Oh come on! Screw you guys, I’m no eating this one. Though the word “caramelo” did at first trick me into thinking that it may have originated from Italy, I quickly reaffirmed that “caramelo” is Spanish for caramel. I’m not a big fan of caramels anyway. Especially not the suave ones. That’s just what I need, freaking caramels that are better with the ladies than me. Wait… Forget that last one. I’m excellent with the ladies. In fact I have plenty of ladies right here right now. They’re all fighting over me and other things that ladies do. You know. Things.

Oh ho ho. Here’s an interesting one. Since my ability to take pictures ranks up there with my ability to create matter, I scanned the package for all to see. A Google search for Sobre Sorpresa didn’t bring up much, but I did find some Indian graficas. You know. Like tomahawks and teepees and shit. But that’s not important. the tatuajes are where it’s at!

According to the package there, you can look for 60 designs! ¡Colecciònalos! It also describes that it should contain one normal tatuaje, one holographic tatuaje, and a dulce. Whatever a dulce is. Sorry, my Spanish is a bit rusty. Upon closer translation, a dulce is a candy. Unfortunately, this package of things did not contain a candy. I’m thinking there are two possibilities. Firstly, the candy could have fallen out and gotten mixed with the rest of the Surprise Sac Bag stuff (I’m thinking the caramelo). That’s not likely at all though, so I came up with the second possibility: it never contained a dulce at all! Bastardos! Hey… Upon closer inspection, the Sac Bag package itself shows that dulce is Spanish for candy. Damn, missed that easy one.

I bet you wanna see the tattoos, don’t you? No, you really don’t. Trust me.

OK, Entei was only off by the number, but why do they call Togetic “Togechikku”? Because it’s his Japanese name, that’s why! < /obvious > So the Togetic disc’s got two strikes against it. Not only is the number wrong, but they used his Japanese name, and no Mexicans would bother doing that. No normal Americans would either. There’s only one breed of freaks who would. Anime purists. Those fetid scum who refuse to use any American names or stuff when it comes to anime. Sure, a lot of the American versions of stuff gets butchered pretty badly so I can let most of it slip by, but if you’re using the Japanese names for Pokémon and you don’t live in Japan or speak Japanese exclusively, you’ve likely got some issues and are probably gross and addicted to Pocky.

Yo, …yo. Like a Transformer, there’s more than meets the eye here.

Aww, isn’t that cute, a Marril that’s missing an “R” and a grossly deformed Pikachu. Yeah. I thought the Pokémon discs would end too, but now we’ve got a whole litter of the things. But since you can’t see how terribly fudged up the Pikachu disc it, I had to extract it from the craptastic Yo-yo. Here’s the scan. Notice how this one is spelled oddly as well? Yeah, something’s up. These discs must be horrible bootlegs, or made in Japan and then just stamped with “Made in U.S.A.” to make people who buy them feel more patriotic or some bull like that. Either way, I’m disappointed in Pikachu for scaring the crap out of poor little Togepi like that. All he can do to retaliate is Metronome. Goddamned almost always useless Metronome.

Finally we reach the final bag. It’s got a lot more interesting stuff than the previous bag, but I’m pretty sure I’ll end up typing a couple one-sentencers in for this one too. I guess we’ll see. Yup. Almost done. I’m actually as relieved as I imagine you must be. I foolishly rushed this article, and now it’s making me want to half-ass all the way from here to the end. But I’ll give it a shot, see how far I get, you know the drill. But at the moment, it’s dinnertime, so maybe you should go get a snack to see you down the home stretch.

Lookit that, it’s a hodgepodge of candy we’ve found in the other bags. It seems that while the Chiks don’t associate with other colours of their own kind, they get along quite well with other candies. Or some bullshit like that. I’m sorry, I’m bored. I can’t write about the same kinds of candies over and over.

What’s this? What’s this? A Toy Pop sits right there. What’s this? What’s this? It gives me a right good scare. I see the word “caramelo” on the package and I decide against opening it. Plus, it promises no actual toy, it’s just called a Toy Pop. Mostly, though, I don’t savour the idea of a caramel-flavoured lollipop. Then again, the package also mentions that it’s raspberry flavoured. Raspberry caramel. Yum yum. I’m-a gonna pass this one up, if you don’t mind. You can have it if you send me any amount of money (at least 6 cents) via Paypal. (Local only. I’m not shipping this thing should I have some unknown foreigner reading my site.) My E-Mail’s at the bottom if you need it.

It’s a tiny plastic comb. What do you expect?

The final Pokémon disc is upon us. Look upon it, with all its majesty and roundness, and fall to your knees in awe. Or fall off your chair in awe, whichever is more applicable for your current situation. So Mew looks like he just pulled a pretty good prank. All sneaky-like, trying to hide his laughter. I still won’t believe that these things are made in U.S.A. until someone flies me down to the plant.

Lastly, but oddly enough, not leastly, we have the Magi-Ojitos. Or if you prefer, the Magic Eyes. On the upside, these are not in fact strange pictures that hide a secret that only witches can see, but rather some googly eyes that you can put on your fingers to… stuff with… and things. Ah, the back of the package has some ideas for things to do with the googly eyes. This bag promises candy as well, but again, does not deliver. It was open, so maybe it just fell out, but I’ll assume the worst.

Well that was a surprise. I didn’t think I’d have to put the Magi-Ojitos together. Oh well, there could be worse things that it could make me do… Woah! Take a look at this! It’s the uncommonly seen North American Elephand! Such a majestic creature, it’s just too bad he spotted us. I’d have liked to get a closer look at the beast. Possibly stick my thumb up his bumhole. Someday I’ll find another of these beautiful animals, but at least for now I’ve got video evidence! And you’re pissed off about how much I hyped up that video, and how much of a cop-out it was. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I win!

Yep. that’s the end of it all. You’ve seen all of the crap I promised, my friends. I gave you bigger pictures, package scans, and a video, even if it was the worst video ever recorded. Plus it’s a decently long article to boot, so as long as you weren’t expecting entertainment, you don’t have anything to complain about. It wasn’t very super, no, but that was all part of my plan to piss you off. Now if only I really had hyped it up. I mean, a single graphic isn’t quite enough to build up a good hype for something. Especially when it’s likely to be a video game review.

That actually wasn’t so bad. I was thinking that maybe I would explode before I was finished with this one. Which is too bad… I wanted to explode… There’s nothing more to say really. Nothing more than to tell you to go out and buy surprise bags! If nothing else, you can throw the things you find inside at people or just make fun of Mexicans for producing such shoddy products. I mean geez, those tatuajes could be a lot higher quality than they are. And the Magi-Ojitos are kinda crap too. But whatever. I like the lion, he’s got a place on my dresser. I’ve got nothing else. End.

What’s a coozy?

Ever heard of “Press Your Luck”? Cool story.

Julian Beever’s pavement art. Incredible.

OC Remix’s latest project: The Dark Side of Phobos

Funny personal ads. Also a shot at Canadians.

Now that those are out of the way, time for… Well, I forgot what I was going to write about. Yeah. So. Weather’s nice. Oh yeah! Starting up a webcomic. It’ll eventually be found up around here sometime in the future. We’re thinking weekly, but it might be less to start. Also a sidebar link has been added.

A thousand years of power

Eric: Stupid little girls liking Hilary Duff.

Mom: You know they’ll go for whatever’s popular.

Dad: It’s not like she’s really talented or anything.

Eric: She probably just lip syncs at concerts too.

Ryan: And she could use a little plastic surgery…

*Awkward silence*

Mom: Ryan! She’s way too young for you!

Dad: It’s only like a year difference

*Intense conversation about adults dating minors*

Eric: Ryan, next time, just keep it to yourself.

Ryan: I was just sayin’…

That being said, here’s a decent Fark photoshop thread. I’m off to the cottage. Again.

Verbatim

Mom: It’s hard to save for a car when you keep blowing your wad.

Ryan: *laughing hysterically*

Mom: Ryan, that’s disgusting

Zack: What’s so funny?

Mom: NOTHING.

Ryan: No wonder I don’t have a car

Everyone who got it: Ewwwwwwwww! Ryan, you’re disgusting!

Moooooo…. Braaaaainsss…..

Ha ha! I am not dead! Just got a little delayed due to some unexpected time constraints. Anyway, I just got back from the cottage, which is a perfectly good excuse for the lateness of this here posty.

Now as I was saying. Destroy All Humans. A decent game to say the least. While I had originally preceived it as an extraterrestrial version of Grand Theft Auto, I was somewhat surprised to find that it’s not entirely the same. First of all, it’s obviously a different context, and killing is a lot more fun when you’re an alien with psychokinetic powers and a vast array of alien weapons to put the hurt on them with. The game itself is set way back in the fifty-somethings, and as far as TV has taught me, is pretty much faithful to the era. People are hicks, Elvis is still relatively unknown, and communism is the number one cause of everything bad. The story is a pretty nifty one. You’re this Furon alien dude, Crypto, and your species has a bit of a problem. See, they’ve relied on cloning to propogate the species for so long, and now their DNA is going stale and they’re getting dumber by the generation. So your task is to visit Earth and enslave the human populace to steal their precious DNA, because it contains a little Furon DNA for ages ago when the Furons landed on Earth and did a little mating. A bit messed, but it’s great as far as alien attack stories go.

The game’s idea is similar to that of the GTA, but you’re confined to levels, rather than a huge city to explore. Fear not though, you crazy GTA fanatics, as the levels are pretty huge and will each take at least half an hour to fully explore. Also, your missions are handed out to you on the mothership, instead of finding them among the various levels. But other than that, you’re pretty much free to roam to your heart’s content and cause as much havoc as you desire. You can’t steal cars or anything, but you do get to pilot a flying saucer, and that almost more than makes up for the lack of driving. Obviously, you’ll be spending most of your time on foot, and the game gives you several great ways to torture the humans. Crypto is equipped with four main weapons: the Zap-O-Matic (obvious), the Desintegrator Ray (obvious), the Ion Detonator (think remote mines), and best of all, the Anal Probe. All have their charms, and all are a bunch of fun to play around with. But the best weapon against the humans is easily PK. Crypto can pick up pretty much anything (once the required upgrades are purchased) and swing it around, bash stuff with it, or just huck it at people. You’ll have a lot of fun probing and ionizing humans, but the real good stuff lies in simply flinging them around like dolls.

There are some sweet unlockables in the game too. While one set of said extras are unlocked by scouring the maps for alien probes (think hidden packages), others are opened to you by simply playing through the game. Most of them are promotional movies or artwork, but there are two videos that really stand out from the rest. First off: Plan 9 From Outer Space. Sadly, they only included the first 15 minutes or so (haven’t actually seen the whole movie) and it could have been absolutely amazing, but is only a little amazing because it’s only an extended clip. The film is notorious among pretty much everyone who likes a good cheese flick, and is commonly referred to as the worst movie ever made. From what I saw though, I’m sure the rest would have been hilarious. Anyhow, the second sweet video almost makes up for the skimping on Plan 9. Ever heard of “Teenagers From Outer Space?” Neither had I, but all two-and-something hours of it are there to be watched, should you complete the game. It’s a horrible movie, and I loved it. I’d rent DAH again just so that I could take screencaps and review it. And you should find some way to watch it, and Plan 9 as well.

To sum it all up, Destroy All Humans is a great game. It’s fun to just screw around and wreak havoc on Earth, and doesn’t get boring after half an hour like the GTA games. Some of the missions are actually pretty tough, and hunting for the probes will probably take you forever without the aid of a map. Production values are great (the dude who voiced Zim does one of the main characters) and the fact that it contains an entire movie is certainly a plus. It’s a rental for sure. If you like it, pick it up. Hell, I’d consider buying it just for Teenagers From Outer Space. Man I want to watch that movie again.