Category: M for Mature

I’ll be a rock star

I wrote 2000+ words about Catherine yesterday. I’ll post it tomorrow. You’re probably getting sick of hearing about it by now, so let’s talk about something else today, shall we?

I’ve been listening to Lady Gaga’s (is the second G capitalized?) Born This Way for a couple days now, and I’ve gotta say that I’m not sure how I feel about it. No, actually that’s a lie. In most cases, I’m sure I’d enjoy it much more if the vocal track were muted. It’s not that I have a problem with her voice or anything, but a lot of the vocals are filler that I find extremely annoying.

A lot of it has to do with that fact that it’s so damned repetitive. Seriously, and I say this to all songwriters out there, a chorus is not repeating the title of the song over and over. That doesn’t pass for the second half of the song either. I’m pretty sure the last two minutes of “The Edge of Glory” is just her saying “the edge the edge the edge” over and over until the song cuts out. This is bad writing any way you split it. You don’t see Stephen King describing the same tree over and over for five chapters. Maybe writing a short story/novel and a song are a little different, but the principle is the same: if it’s such obvious filler, you should probably cut it out. There’s nothing wrong with having an instrumental section in your song. I feel it actually adds to a song.

Another thing I need to vent about is the stuttering and nonsense words. I like “Judas” well enough, but the jibber-jabber that permeates the beginning and half the chorus annoys the crap out of me. You did this with “Bad Romance” already, and it hasn’t gotten any less annoying since then. Again, why all this filler? If you can’t write words to put there, just let your music carry itself. It’s good! Like I said, without lyrics I’d think this is a fantastic techno-pop album. All I see here is that either Gaga has no faith in the quality of the actual music, or she just can’t get enough of her own voice. Lazily slapping in all these nonsense vocals and needless repetition makes it seem like children’s music. If it weren’t so full of hookers and “blonde souths,” this would be a great album for the “under 3” demographic.

Speaking of which, Ms. Gaga seems to be writing explicit lyrics simply for shock value. “Government Hooker” is the best example for this. The song is barely about a hooker to begin with, with absolutely nothing in the song to justify the “government” part. Okay, she says “John F. Kennedy” once, but that would make the song “zombie hooker” or at worst, “corpse hooker.” And let’s be honest here, at that point it could just be rebranded to necrophiliac. Because dead people don’t pay for sex. And again, I think the word “hooker” counts for at least 80% of the total lyrics. Yeesh.

All little quibbles aside, I do still enjoy listening to Born This Way if I don’t stop to think about it. “Hair” and “Highway Unicorn” are my favourite tracks so far. Though “You and I” gets the runner-up prize. I can’t stand straight-up country music, but oddly enough I really like when other genres are influenced by country. Also: Brian May plays guitar on it. That makes it instantly awesome.

Oh yeah, and the cover is totally bad-ass. Even a little scary.

It’s time to stop running

I’m very proud of myself. I began playing Darksiders last week, and finished it yesterday. I rarely finish games at all these days, nevermind in the span of a week. Being on vacation definitely helped me along, but I’m still pretty amazed. There’s still the little matter of finishing the game on “Apocalyptic” difficulty for those last two cheevos, but we’ll take that at a slower pace.

I’m pretty sure that since the game has been out for basically forever now, everything has already been said about Darksiders. I really don’t have much to add to the collective opinion that it’s a Legend of Zelda game with God of War combat sensibilities. Which is a good thing. I was dreadfully bored with God of War, but the combat system works well in a game with more interesting non-combat. The story takes itself way too seriously and is mostly uninteresting, but is a good enough reason to beat up a bunch of demons (and angels, occasionally) and trek through puzzle dungeons. Fortunately, said story was clearly never the point of the game and most cutscenes are skippable. Yay!

The one thing I did really like is that while most of the combat stuff is lifted wholesale from God of War, quicktime events are nonexistent. Yes, you get a little “B” pop-up to inform you when you can perform a finishing move, but that’s it. No stick twirling or button-matching to be found. Also, starting the game on hard with the super armor (a carry-over bonus from my completed file, I guess?) pretty much breaks the balance of the game. Not that I’m complaining. Having an advantage that lets me breeze through my second playthrough is always fun.

Also, I started Catherine yesterday afternoon, and proceeded to play it for seven hours straight. I don’t think I’ve enjoyed such a long gaming session since Twilight Princess. Not that it was my choice or anything. Catherine really hooked me. It was like a good book, where I just could not put it down, even though I tried. I’m pretty sure I’m on the cusp of finishing the story, but I know that I’ll be hitting this one again right away.

The game is mostly talkies and has plenty of cutscenes, but the story is so engrossing that I don’t mind at all. It’s not packed with silly fluff like Metal Gear Solid games. It’s a great tale about growing up, taking responsibility, and dealing with change. Or, perhaps, none of that if you play to the “bad” side. There’s a sort of morality meter there, which pings up and down as you make choices. The game asks you to choose the answer that applies best to you, rather than the one you think is correct. It’s not always easy to tell which answer will drive the meter which way, and so far I’ve been leaning only a little towards the side of “good.” The really cool thing is that if you’re connected to Live, it’ll show a pie graph of the answers other players chose on their first play. Not a real feature, per se, but a neat little widget no less.

Climbing up the block towers is getting considerably harder with each stage (duh), and apparently I’m not great at this kind of puzzle. I’m playing on Easy mode too, which makes it all the more embarrassing. But the boss levels are super fun! The puzzle difficulty is scaled down a bit, but you’ve always got a giant monster chomping at your heels, which keeps the tension high. I think they’re easily the best the game has to offer, though hopefully I get a bit better at the puzzle stages when I bump up to normal.

We bless you with our mark

One of the things I really like about LEGO Rock Band is the story mode. It begins by your LEGO character seeing LEGO Queen perform on TV, and starting up a band because… well, the lack of dialogue makes the exact reason a little ambiguous, but I’m assuming that they decide the easiest way to meet Queen would be to be in a successful band.

The story rolls out in traditional LEGO video game fashion, with hilarious cutscenes punctuating your band’s tour. Most of these cutscenes happen around rock power challenges. These are special gigs where somebody needs something and you use the power of rock to make it happen. In the first one you demolish a building. Later on you’ll summon a thunderstorm to save a farmer’s crops from drought. It’s the closest a Rock Band game will ever come to having boss battles.

These are cool. I love them and would not remove them for the world. I’m not finished the tour yet, so maybe they get even better later, but I can’t help but feel like maybe there could be cooler subject matter? Look at Brutal Legend, for example, where the power of rock is used to wage wars. LEGO Rock Band is technically channeling the power of power-pop, so it’s understandable that the most awesome thing they would do is fight off a giant octopus, but imagine if the game were something more along the lines of, let’s say Dethklok Rock Band.

It’s no secret that I’ve been wishing and hoping for a Dethklok-centric guitar game since Guitar Hero: Aerosmith, but it’ll never happen. EA will find a way to make a game that gives the player candy and blowjobs before they greenlight Dethklok Rock Band. Mainly because Dethklok is not mainstream enough, and why would EA release a game that’s pretty much guaranteed to move even fewer units than Green Day Rock Band? (Ooh, burn!)

One might also argue that between both The Dethalbum and The Dethalbum II there are only 33 Dethklok songs, and that’s not enough to justify a full disc release. There is tons of music on the show that were never released on either album though, and while some are just bits of songs, I’m sure Brendon Small has complete versions of all the tracks somewhere. And really, would it not be awesome if songs like “Hamburger Time,” “Takin’ It Easy,” and “Underwater Friends” were included? While we’re at it, why not include a couple Snakes N’ Barrels tracks? Or a venue dedicated to Dr. Rockso/Zazz Blammymatazz? The point is, the official material couldn’t fill a game, but there’s more than enough supplemental stuff there to pad it out. Not to mention that fans would eat it up. With a friggin’ spoon.

Circling back to my original point here, rock power challenges would be awesome in Dethklok Rock Band. You wouldn’t even need to read lyrics to come up with cool challenge scenarios; the titles are more than enough in most cases! “Volcano” and “Comet Song” would obviously have you summoning (or maybe repelling) the named disaster with the power of metal. “The Cyborg Slayers” speaks for itself, and “Awaken” will have the band bringing a giant troll to life. You don’t even have to be creative with this stuff, it’s awesome. The challenges in LEGO Rock Band really draw you into the whole scenario, and I think it would only get better with something as intense as causing a volcano to erupt through the power of death metal.

That intensity takes us back around to why the game would never be made: it would be way too damn difficult. In Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock, “Bloodlines” is fairly easy, but “Laser Cannon Deth Sentence” is so difficult that I can’t even star power my way to the end. “Thunderhorse” was one of my favourite tracks to play on Guitar Hero 2, even though to this day I cannot 5-star it. The Van Halen and Metallica editions of Guitar Hero have pretty steep difficulty curves (in comparison to the numbered games), but Dethklok Rock Band would be many, many times harder. You’d be a fool to expect any less from a game that’s 90% death metal, of course, but I think it would still turn away potential buyers. Yes, people could step down their difficulty level if it were spoiling their fun, but I’m pretty adamant about not toning it down. If I can’t play a song on expert, I don’t go down to hard: I just don’t play that song. Best case scenario, I play it on expert bass instead of guitar.

The really sad thing about all this is that Konami was developing a Metalocalypse game. …Only it was an action game where you play as a Klokateer for some reason, and was quickly cancelled because they realized how stupid that was. I posit that a Metalocalypse action game could work, but nobody wants to play a Metalocalypse game where you don’t get to play as Dethklok. That’s like having a Super Mario Bros where you’re forced to play as Toad. Good as the game might be, you will inevitably say “fuck this, I’m not playing Goddanm Toad.” Likewise, I do not want to play a Metalocalypse game where I can’t play as Toki or Pickles. Can I say that enough times?

Time has not been kind to single-band plastic guitar games, or even just plastic guitar games in general, so any tiny window there was for a Dethklok Rock Band has long since closed, but I still think it would kick some serious ass. No, it wouldn’t be for everybody, but Metalocalypse has been pretty well-received for what it is, and even though there’s no way it would get close to million-seller, there is certainly a niche that would play it. Maybe we should get Atlus on the case? Somebody do that. I’d be pretty pumped if there were even a Dethklok DLC pack for Rock Band someday in the near future. It doesn’t even have to be a full album, I’ll take a 3-pack (“Awaken” “Black Fire Upon Us” and “Comet Song,” please). The fact that there isn’t even one Dethklok song available yet is sad, and I hope that one day it will be remedied, but I’ll likely have to buy Rock Band 3 when that happens. Hopefully it’s $5 on that day.

Lace up your shoes

So Guitar Hero games are dirt cheap now. What better opportunity to pick up GH: Van Halen? I’m still angry because I should have gotten it for free, but $10 is a reasonable price to pay for a game I’ll get at least a few hours of enjoyment out of. Also I <3 Van Halen.

I can’t decide whether it’s more impressive than the GH:Van Halen being $10, but LEGO Rock Band has also plummeted down to $5, so I grabbed that too. It’s just like Rock Band except with more collectible crap! Someone knew exactly what kind of game I want to play!

The downside here is that some jackhole at… Harmonix maybe?… decided that all the music had to be kid-friendly, so 90% of my DLC does not work when playing on the LEGO RB disc. It’s not the worst thing that could happen, but some of the songs they chose to not allow bend my mind. Out of the ten Queen songs I have, only four are playable. This is double weird because the crux of story mode is that your LEGO avatar has been inspired to start a band after seeing (LEGO) Queen perform. And “The Boys are Back in Town” isn’t allowed? It was good enough for Toy Story 2, but not LEGO Rock Band? Harmonix must have brought in the most bored, angry soccer-moms they could find to make the cuts. The one upside here is that it removes almost all of the ludicrously difficult songs, so random setlists aren’t so terrifying anymore.

The setlist on the disc isn’t exactly stellar either. It’s head and shoulders above the tripe they were pushing in Band Hero, but about half of it is still crap. Really, does anybody actually like Counting Crows? Looking at it in a more positive light though, a DLC pack of three songs would cost slightly more than this disc did. Yeah, the price will double if I choose to import the songs to Rock Band 2, but it’s still way more cost-effective in the long run.

Now it’s time to party

I was very excited last week when I heard that the Catherine demo was available for my enjoyment. Alas, it was for Gold members only, so I was stuck waiting for it until… Tuesday I think? In any case, it’s available to the general public now, so I downloaded that.

Let me start by saying that I was interested in Catherine before it was cool. Because I’m super hip. The kids over at Talking Time were all abuzz about it when the first trailer was announced, because it seemed to be a Shin Megami Tensei spinoff of some sort. SMT, and the Persona games in particular, are a big thing over there, so a sexy spinoff was big news. Turns out it has little to do with SMT, and is not even branded as part of the series, but after playing it I can see that there are a few similarities.

Catherine is a puzzle game. Technically it is a falling block game, but not in the “match-three” way that falling block games are. In this one, you must climb a tower made of blocks before they fall out from under you. It’s a little more complicated than that, but such is the basic premise of the gameplay. Also, there is a story that plays out in between the tower-climbing. And this is where it parallels SMT, or Persona 3, at least. During the daytime, you walk around and talk to people, affecting your relationships with them as you go. And then at nighttime, it’s tower climb time. This is the same formula that P3 follows, except that in that game there is an RPG instead of puzzles during the night segments. Again, that’s a very basic summary, but it gets my point across.

After playing the demo, I’m not only interested in Catherine because the Talking Time crew told me to be, but mostly because if you ignore the fact that it is not technically a Persona game, it’s a Persona game I can play. I really would like to get into the series, but from what I’ve heard, they seem to have an issue with requiring perfection. Having to memorize enemy weaknesses and switch up your party all the time to take advantage of them is a little more than I want to deal with in a standard RPG. In a tactical RPG? Sure, that’s part of the genre’s charm. But coming off of Final Fantasy XIII, where your characters learn weaknesses and exploit them automatically, having to tweak your characters/party for each encounter? Too much work.

So Catherine here, the other reason I want to get into it is because the social element and story really interest me. Your social interactions appear to have an effect on how the story plays out, even if it just results in whether your character (Vincent) picks the blond (Catherine) or the brunette (Katherine) in the end, it looks like it’ll be a fun ride. Of course, me being me, I’d definitely do everything to rope Vince into marrying his longtime girlfriend. It’s nice to feel like you have that choice, anyway.

I do want to play the full game, but I’m wondering if it’ll be worth the entry price. $60 is an awful lot for someone with so little disposable income to pay for a game about climbing blocks. I’m sure that I’ll enjoy the daytime segments and the story more than enough to justify the price. It’s hard to say whether I’d play it more than once though. Maybe it’d make a good birthday gift? It is only a month and a half away… Then again, I did play Silent Hill: Shattered Memories several times, and that game was even less about gameplay than Catherine is. I suppose it’ll probably boil down to whether I have enough self-control to avoid buying it or not, though I know how guilty I’ll feel if I do. Huh. Listen to me ramble about finances. Not exactly the most entertaining thing to blog about. Point is, the demo is good, but not $60 good.

In a related story, I’m highly considering getting SMT: Devil Survivor Overclocked for 3DS next month. This one is a tactical RPG, so that’s perfect! I love tactical RPGs! Which reminds me, the PSP port of Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together has been sitting on my floor unopened for at least a month now. Probably should put Dissidia down for a while and start hacking away at that.

(At this point, you’re likely trying to reason out exactly why I think I need to buy more video games.)

Just sleep

I was going to write a post yesterday ranting about my lack of sleep and how I hate being tired all the time. It’s good that I didn’t get it finished though, because it was really stupid and I spent most of it blaming everyone else for sucking up all my free time. And that would make me a dick. What it really boiled down to was that if I want to watch FullMetal Alchemist or play Half-Minute Hero, I have to do it in the time I should be using to sleep. This causes problems for me in the way of me being exhausted all day long, but it’s still my choice, and I consistently choose leisure over a proper rest.

In actual news, I played the Duke Nukem Forever demo. Glad I did too, because I don’t see anything there worth picking up the full version for. Firstly, the gameplay is not Duke Nukem. Maybe the full version is different, but in the demo the levels are pretty linear. No exploring or backtracking necessary. I suppose that kind of game design is outdated, but I’d really prefer if you kept your Halo out of my Duke Nukem, please. It would have been much better if Gearbox had just dressed up Borderlands in a Duke skin. Everybody likes Borderlands.

The other -and possibly more important- thing that threw me off was the difficulty level. Maybe the demo stage is at the end of the game or something, but I chose easy mode and still died every time I encountered enemies. I’m pretty sure I don’t suck at FPSes, because I don’t die all the time in Borderlands or… okay, so that’s the only real FPS I’ve played in recent memory, but I don’t suck at it!

The good things about it were… nothing. Maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but there surely wasn’t anything that impressed me. I kind of liked that you can see Duke’s body when he falls down or you look where his feet should be, as opposed to other FPSes where you’re a disembodied hand. That little detail is something I want to see in every FPS from now on. It really should have been standardized years ago. Other than that, I suppose the full version promises boobies, but that’s not a good reason to buy a game. Last time I bought a game because of boobies, I ended up with God of War, which I found so incredibly boring that I didn’t even suffer through half the game before I traded it in. So yeah, Duke demo did not impress me, and I’m glad that I wasn’t one of those people hyped up for the game enough to buy it blind on launch day. I’ll stick to Duke Nukem 3D, thank you very much. Or even better, one of the old side-scrolling Duke games.

In the zone

Having finished Brutal Legend (which is a totally badass game, BTW), I started playing Dead Rising 2 last week. Not more than a few hours in, I discovered an adult shop on the main strip of Fortune City. Inside was a shelf full of the item you see above (in several exciting colours!). In the game, it is called a “massager,” but we know that’s not the whole story.

To recap: in Dead Rising 2, you can beat zombies with dildos.

What’s even better though, is that later on I found a survivor in a tanning salon. Her predicament was that she accidentally stayed in the tanning bed for too long and got a little extra crispy. She then needs you to fetch her a drink to rehydrate, and you have to carry her deep-fried body back to the emergency shelter. It was just before I left to find a beverage for the young lady that I noticed one of these massagers on the tanning bed that she had previously occupied. I guess there’s no mystery as to why she was in there too long.

Live the rebound

As you might have expected, I’ve been as busy as I can be with video games over the past few months, and honestly, I’ve been playing far more of them than I could have possibly kept up with when I was unemployed and single. So many have become one-week affairs, while others are destined to be played, dropped, and picked up again repeatedly, and others still I haven’t even booted up once. I’d kind of like to get things in order and start finishing a few of them, so I’m going to start a preliminary list of games I’ve been into lately that are fighting for my precious free time. And this list will cover only games that I’ve come in contact with for the first time over the last year. I have so many Gamecube and PS2 games I need to get around to playing, that this list would take forever if I counted all them too. Old stuff I’ll catch up on once the new stuff thins out.

Games I’m playing regularly

Despite all the games I’ve played once or twice and forgotten about, there are many that I continually find time to spend on. Pokémon White is the newest and most obvious example. I’ve been playing the shit out of this one over the month or so it’s been out, and I can’t get enough of it. Those little monsters always find a way to worm their way into my heart. Though admittedly, I would have been even happier with it had it excluded all of the old monsters in favor of the new ones. What are we at, 600 or something now? Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock has been spinning a lot inside of my Xbox, despite the fact that I’ve likely gotten all of the achievements that I can and I’m playing it just for fun instead of progress at this point. Which, actually, is kind of the point, but whatever. I’ve 100%-ed Castlevania: Lords of Shadow, but I still hold out hope that someday they will actually release the DLC we were originally promised to have in February. Being that it’s the only 3DS game I own, Super Street Fighter IV: 3D Edition is getting plenty of play, but I think this will end up being a once-in-a-while game once I get the “beat arcade with all characters” medal. Dissidia: Final Fantasy is far more fun that it should be, but really, I want to forget about it and go get the sequel. Good thing new games aren’t in my budget.

Games I play sometimes

I’ve begun working my way through Brutal Legend, and while I love it to pieces, it’s getting less play than SSFIV3D, and how does that make sense? Picross 3D, which would have benefited greatly by being held back for 3DS, is not as fun as regular picross. But I’ve been picking away at the puzzles since it came out and am almost finished! I’m sitting at about 350 completed. Final Fantasy IV DS is brutally difficult, and is definitely not the breezy, nostalgic joyride I assumed it would be. But I’m soldiering through it anyway, getting stuck, slowly power-leveling my way though, and then dropping it for weeks at a time. Shadow Complex I could quit anytime, but I only need the Level 50 achievement and sadly, that’s essentially just a time-eating cheevo dressed up in a deceptively fancy hat. Secret of Mana seemed like a great idea for an iPhone game, and it could have been, but I just cannot bear the touch controls. And Donkey Kong Country Returns is such a great game, but it’s soooooo hard. And not great for two-player. I don’t imagine I’ll ever finish Tales of the World: Radiant Mythology even though I pick it up and log a decent number of hours each summer.

Games I played for a week and forgot about

I really wanted to play more of Fallout 3, but it’s so huge! I’ll never finish that monster. Not without power-gaming it for about a month straight, anyway. Final Fantasy XII is the same way, but I do pick that one up for a week or two every few months in a vain effort to make a little progress. I wanted to say my goal was to finish all the mark hunts, but I think I’ll have to settle for all Espers after reading about Yiazmat (he has more than 50 Million HPs).Arc Rise Fantasia is a different story. It’s a fairly fresh JRPG, with a not-entirely-cliche story and a battle system that is both fun and speedy, but the voice acting is so, so awful. It’s not so much that I don’t want to ever finish the game, but it’s enough that I would be okay if I didn’t. Alone in the Dark, the 2008 one, is another mixed bag. It’s got a lot of neat ideas, but gameplay is pretty much balls. It seems like 100%ing the cheevos would be easy if I could struggle my way to the end. Crackdown 2 was fun at first, and I like the in-game help for finding all those orbs, but near the end I gave up because it really just wasn’t as fun as the original, no matter how hard I tried to pretend it was. With Epic Mickey, I knew I was playing more for the atmosphere than the gameplay, but it (the gameplay) was just so mediocre that I’m having trouble pulling myself back in for the good stuff (presentation). Little King’s Story, on the other hand, has fairly good gameplay and presentation, but I can’t play it because I’m at the point where the enemies are actually dangerous, and I can’t bear to send my beloved villagers to their dooms. They all have names! And families! I’m not a monster! And speaking of which, I was completely obsessed with Monster Hunter Tri and Monster Hunter Freedom Unite last summer, but they have dropped completely off my radar, despite the fact that I really want to set aside some time for even one of them.

Games I own but haven’t stared

Why haven’t I played Dead Rising 2 yet? Honestly, it’s because I loved the original so much, I’m afraid the sequel won’t be as good. Loved Case Zero though. Deadly Premonition I got because despite the fact that he said it was awful, Steve’s description of the game (and its easy cheevos) made it sound like a game I wanted to play. So did the Gamespite Quarterly 6 review. The Incredible Hulk (360) will sit on my shelf and collect dust forever. It was better off in the Wal-Mart bargain bin. Technically I’ve beaten New Play Control! Pikmin like a dozen times, but I suppose I should play it at least once to justify the $30 expense. And if you want to pick, I have played the first two levels of Dawn of Mana, but that was so long ago I can’t even remember the experience. Eternal Sonata I hear is not so great, but how can I resist a JRPG that co-stars Frédéric Chopin? By leaving it on the shelf next to The Incredible Hulk, I suppose.

Oh good gravy. And these are just the games that spring to mind. Even if I don’t write an article at all this year, I hope to make use of this webspace to help keep track of how I’m progressing through my backlog of games. I didn’t even consider WiiWare/virtual console games. Or PC games. Or Shantae: Risky’s Revenge! That one really deserves to be finished. Ugh. I’ll have to come up with some sort of system to keep track of what I’m playing and what I need to accomplish in each game. I tried using The Backloggery some time ago, but… I don’t know why I stopped updating it. Maybe because I play too many damn games. Oops.