Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children

Ok, before I start this up, if you’re a Final Fantasy 7 fanboy/girl, and refuse to believe that anything relating to the game can be wrong, just stop reading now. If you hate FF7 and are looking for a good bashing of the movie, stop reading now. Finally, if you don’t want spoilers, stop reading for the love of Odin. This review goes over pretty much every little nuance of the story (as weak as it is), so it’s absolutely loaded with spoilers. Anyone else may continue. And if you’re a hot chick, you may E-mail me some naked pictures of yourself.

As the title may have lead you to believe, I’ve now seen the Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children movie. What I have to say about it is pretty much irrelevant to how I feel about it, and the technical stuff here is more or less for me to nitpick and tell anyone who wants to see the movie (and doesn’t mind spoilers) what to expect. So let’s get the show on the road already.

The first thing I’m going to go over is the story. That shouldn’t take very long, since it’s the most bare-bones plot I’ve seen since Super Mario Bros (the game, not the movie). It starts off summing up what happened in FF7, and then goes on to tell you how people have become poisoned or whatnot by some mysterious force. Not long after, we learn that these people (all children, by the way) are sick because they have Jenova’s DNA or whatnot and the world doesn’t like them for it. Then these three dudes appear (with Jenova DNA of their own), bearing a resemblance to Mr. Oh-so-cool himself, Sephiroth. Turns out they’re looking for the remains of Jenova so that they can have a reunion of some kind. Blah blah blah. Cloud and company enter, cloud fights bad guys, Turks appear, say they want to help restore the world, secretly hold remains of Jenova. So stuff goes on, fight scenes happen, and the bad dudes take all the infected kids to a pool, brainwash them, and then attack the city. Leader of bad guys (forgot his name, not looking it up) summons goofy-looking Bahamut, kids become un-brainwashed, Cloud & friends defeat Bahamut. Rufus (Turk leader) reveals Jenova remains, bad guy leader gets them, Cloud chops them, bad guy cries, fight scene, bad guy turns into Sephiroth (Ooh! What a surprise!), more fight scene, Cloud wins, gets shot, come back to life, lame ending.

And that’s it. I should mention that the entire plot is completely obvious after the first ten minutes or so of the movie, so it’s not like you’re going to be surprised at all even if you didn’t read the summary. I mean, nothing at all happened, with the exception of Bahamut, that I didn’t see coming from a mile away. The tale was interesting to watch, but it was more predictable than a clock. But whatever, I’ve never been to worried about how good a plot is anyway. Unless of course, I’m reading a book.

Now while the plot is passable, there are a few things I have to pick out. For one, the brainwashing of the children was totally irrelevant. They did nothing but stand around mindlessly while they were brainwashed, and as far as I remember, the bad dudes never even mentioned using them for anything. But I digress, there are some bigger issues abound. Like Rufus, for example. When he first appears, he’s in a wheelchair, all cloaked as if he’s horribly scarred or whatnot. Later on, he hops off the wheelchair and throws off the cloak, revealing that he looks just as normal as ever. But he’s still got an eye-patch. Any guesses? Yep, it too gets thrown off, and under it is a perfectly good eye! Why? Why? There was no logic behind pretending to be crippled and deformed. Maybe he just wanted to fool everyone. But there was no real reason presented.

And the biggest issue I have with the movie is the entire Bahamut scene. Firstly, the leader of the bad guys takes the Bahamut materia and absorbs it into himself. The game had us believe that materia was clipped onto your armor/weapon or whatnot, and not that you’d absorb the damn thing and create a neon tumor. Then when the big dragon appears, he looks like a total homo, with stupid-looking armor and terribly designed wings. I swear, this incarnation of the King of Dragons does almost as much injustice to him as his FFX representation. And then to top it all off, the good guys start attacking it! Why would you attack a goddamned summon monster? Theoretically, they should just be able to summon it again. but that’s not even the worst of it all. Near the end, Bahamut flies way, way up to the top of a tower, and Cloud has to follow him somehow. Let’s see, what’s the best way to do this? Well the idiots that made this movie decided that each character from the FF7 game should fly in and throw him up a bit more. It’s impossible to describe this pile of shit scene with words, so I drew a diagram. and then, finally, Cloud actually manages to carve this gigantic beast – the most revered summon of like ever – right in two. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And Cloud wasn’t even using any materias. At least, I didn’t see any tumors of colour on him.

That’s pretty much all I found unacceptable there though. Otherwise, it’s only extremely nitpicky, like physically impossible fighting maneuvers and hair that was never meant ot look realistic. And to be fair, it’s time I said what was good about the movie.

Firstly, and most obviously once you’ve seen their first couple scenes, Reno and Rude make great comedy relief. Nearly every scene they’re found in is hilarious or at least will make you smile a little. then there’s the fact that Reno can crawl up walls like Spider-Man, which I found extremely entertaining, especially when Rude tried to climb up with him on one occasion and promptly fell flat on his back. they’re easily the best characters in the movie. I was never too big on any characters from FF7 (with the exceptions of Vincent and Barret), but if these guys played a role in the game at all similar to the one they had in the movie, I can’t believe that I missed it. Another thing that was awesome is Barret’s gun arm. In the flashback at the beginning, the gun was tiny and I made an angry note of that right away, but when he popped in later on, it was huge and shot like fifty bullets at a time. After rereading it, that sentence sounds unnecessarily phallic.

There were some other really cool things going on in the movie, like Cloud’s bike. the sides of the thing fan out, and reveal a rack of swords for him to choose from. And by the end, he’s used and lost all of them. The fight scenes were pretty fun, except for the fact that a few maneuvers that various characters pulled off were just plain impossible. And I’m not talking run-up-a-wall impossible here. I can accept a lot of over-the-top stuff, but they crossed a couple lines here. Other than that, though, lots of swordfighting and a cool fistfight with Tifa and one of the bad guys.

I’m sure there was a lot else that I both liked and disliked about the flick, but I can’t think of ’em at the moment, so I’m gonna wrap this baby up. Like I said before, everything I mentioned was for the sake of the review. None of it really impacts my final judgement. All things good and bad aside, I will say that this movie was a success on the grounds that I was entertained. That’s really all it takes for me to give something a good review these days. As long as I find a movie/game/song/what-have-you entertaining, chances are that I’m gonna end up giving it a positive rating. So the FF7 movie, although a lot of things about it made me angry, gets a solid A-. Somewhere between 85 and 90 on the percent scale. If I’d seen it in a theater, I wouldn’t ask for my $10 back. I would watch it again, but I surely wouldn’t buy it. It was much better than I’d anticipated (I expected very little. Video game movies are always the suck), but it wasn’t perfect. I’ll recommend it, just don’t tell me that it’s the best movie ever (not even in the top 50). I know it’ll be way overrated, because the game was, and those sheep that are Square fans (I personally like Enix a lot) will fall in love with anything that has Cloud or Sephiroth on it. Example: Ehrgeiz. That was one of the worst fighting games I’ve ever had the misery of playing, yet many loved it for its FF7 tie-ins. But now I’m way off-topic. Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children is worth your time. Go watch it. Just don’t ask me to talk about it any more.

The Good Stuff:
  • Reno & Rude = HALARIUS!!1!
  • Pretty. Very pretty.
  • Barret’s got a frickin’ sweet arm-gun
  • Cloud’s bike is also frickin’ sweet
  • Action scenes are engaging
The Bad Stuff:
  • Story moves pretty slow, and is mostly irrelevant
  • Smells like fanfiction
  • The Bahamut tower scene
  • Goes too far over the top now and then

It’s coming right for us!

Just some minor changes to the ol’ site today. Fixed up the banner so it’s less than half the size it originally was. If you check it out, it still says GIF, but I assure you, it’s a PNG dressed up as a GIF so that I didn’t have to change each and every page from GIF to PNG. That would have been tee-dee-ous. I also went over the second Art Gallery, and fixed it up so that all the bandwidth-devouring BMP file have been converted into more friendly PNG files. On another note, Audioscrobbler has been renamed to Last.FM, so I got that changed up (on the main page only).

In other news, I posted my bio on the BBS for one of my classes, so if anyone visits that, they’ll probably click the link I provided for the site. So I might have a spike in hits. Just thought I’d mention it. And while I’m on the subject, university is pretty cool, just (as dumb as it sounds) too many people. I can’t find anywhere nice and secluded to read/draw/video games/what-have-you. Then again, I haven’t explored the entire campus, so there is still hope. A hope that’s too far away from my classes to be worthwile, but hope no less.

I’ve been working on a new pseudo-article, and it’s such a thing that it might get updated every so often, unlike the current offerings, which have become pretty much stagnant. Be ready for that around the end of the month.

Finally, I got The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction (you may have heard me rant about how cool it was going to be), and I love it to pieces. It’s similar to GTA(X), but doesn’t get boring after an hour. Expect articleization sometime in the near future.

Oh, and Coozy For Hire should be getting off the ground any day now. Stay tuned for more.

Moooooo…. Braaaaainsss…..

Ha ha! I am not dead! Just got a little delayed due to some unexpected time constraints. Anyway, I just got back from the cottage, which is a perfectly good excuse for the lateness of this here posty.

Now as I was saying. Destroy All Humans. A decent game to say the least. While I had originally preceived it as an extraterrestrial version of Grand Theft Auto, I was somewhat surprised to find that it’s not entirely the same. First of all, it’s obviously a different context, and killing is a lot more fun when you’re an alien with psychokinetic powers and a vast array of alien weapons to put the hurt on them with. The game itself is set way back in the fifty-somethings, and as far as TV has taught me, is pretty much faithful to the era. People are hicks, Elvis is still relatively unknown, and communism is the number one cause of everything bad. The story is a pretty nifty one. You’re this Furon alien dude, Crypto, and your species has a bit of a problem. See, they’ve relied on cloning to propogate the species for so long, and now their DNA is going stale and they’re getting dumber by the generation. So your task is to visit Earth and enslave the human populace to steal their precious DNA, because it contains a little Furon DNA for ages ago when the Furons landed on Earth and did a little mating. A bit messed, but it’s great as far as alien attack stories go.

The game’s idea is similar to that of the GTA, but you’re confined to levels, rather than a huge city to explore. Fear not though, you crazy GTA fanatics, as the levels are pretty huge and will each take at least half an hour to fully explore. Also, your missions are handed out to you on the mothership, instead of finding them among the various levels. But other than that, you’re pretty much free to roam to your heart’s content and cause as much havoc as you desire. You can’t steal cars or anything, but you do get to pilot a flying saucer, and that almost more than makes up for the lack of driving. Obviously, you’ll be spending most of your time on foot, and the game gives you several great ways to torture the humans. Crypto is equipped with four main weapons: the Zap-O-Matic (obvious), the Desintegrator Ray (obvious), the Ion Detonator (think remote mines), and best of all, the Anal Probe. All have their charms, and all are a bunch of fun to play around with. But the best weapon against the humans is easily PK. Crypto can pick up pretty much anything (once the required upgrades are purchased) and swing it around, bash stuff with it, or just huck it at people. You’ll have a lot of fun probing and ionizing humans, but the real good stuff lies in simply flinging them around like dolls.

There are some sweet unlockables in the game too. While one set of said extras are unlocked by scouring the maps for alien probes (think hidden packages), others are opened to you by simply playing through the game. Most of them are promotional movies or artwork, but there are two videos that really stand out from the rest. First off: Plan 9 From Outer Space. Sadly, they only included the first 15 minutes or so (haven’t actually seen the whole movie) and it could have been absolutely amazing, but is only a little amazing because it’s only an extended clip. The film is notorious among pretty much everyone who likes a good cheese flick, and is commonly referred to as the worst movie ever made. From what I saw though, I’m sure the rest would have been hilarious. Anyhow, the second sweet video almost makes up for the skimping on Plan 9. Ever heard of “Teenagers From Outer Space?” Neither had I, but all two-and-something hours of it are there to be watched, should you complete the game. It’s a horrible movie, and I loved it. I’d rent DAH again just so that I could take screencaps and review it. And you should find some way to watch it, and Plan 9 as well.

To sum it all up, Destroy All Humans is a great game. It’s fun to just screw around and wreak havoc on Earth, and doesn’t get boring after half an hour like the GTA games. Some of the missions are actually pretty tough, and hunting for the probes will probably take you forever without the aid of a map. Production values are great (the dude who voiced Zim does one of the main characters) and the fact that it contains an entire movie is certainly a plus. It’s a rental for sure. If you like it, pick it up. Hell, I’d consider buying it just for Teenagers From Outer Space. Man I want to watch that movie again.

Stealthy like that

Don’t know if ya noticed, but a new article snuck onto the articles page sometime yesterday. Yes, that’s right. Tomorrow, I shall ponder the true value of one “Destroy All Humans” video game. But only in blog form. It does lend itself to a bigger, more monumental project, but I have plans tonight and it has to go back today. I’d get my screenshots done now, but I’d rather sleep. Should have been down a couple hours ago, as far as I see it. But I’m rambling, so I’ll call it a night. ‘Morrow, puny Earthlings.

Killer7

First and foremost, I love Capcom. We all know this. So, as a fan of the company, I give pretty much anything they put out a try, no matter how strange it seems. Well, everything I see, of course. You must understand that some things just pass right on by without ever a mention of it being there. But I’m straying a bit here. Today, my duty is not to ramble on about which Capcom games I’ve played, or how much I adore their franchises, but to review their newest and easily most original offering: Killer7.

You’ll have to understand before I get into this that Killer7 is just barely more a game than it is an interactive story. While there is a lot of shooting and puzzle solving to do, that’s pretty much all you do aside from watch cutscenes and listen to people. While I may have scorned RPGs for being boring and too simple, and this is a similar case, I have to admit that I simply adore Killer7. This is a game for people who like a hefty helping of story with their game, but don’t feel like wandering across a gigantic world for a single key to open the next dungeon or whatever. It’s for people who’d rather shoot than spend endless hours mashing the “confirm” button to level up. This is a game for those who need a break from normal games.

Control is a breeze in this game, as there is very little of it to be done. While you do have to navigate through some rather large levels, it’s all done by holding the A button (assuming you’re playing on a Gamecube). See, your character moves on a predetermined path, so you’ve never got total control. However, there are plenty of junctions throughout the stages to guide your character through, so you do have a say in which way he or she is going. It’s as easy as seeing the options appear on screen and then moving the control stick toward which direction you want to go, or which object you’d like to examine. But that’s not all. No, not even close.

You also have to contend with enemies. The Heaven Smiles. Did I mention that they’re invisible? Yes, every foe in the game (save the bosses) are invisible to the naked eye. Fortunately, you have a sort of enemy-scanning ability at your disposal. Firstly, you’ll have to assume your firing stance by holding down the R button. Then you tap L to scan for enemies, and you’re on your way! Next, you can hit the B button to automatically center your targeting reticule on a foe, or simply aim manually and then blow their brains all over the place. Another thing to mention is that most enemies don’t shoot back. No. They just run up to you and explode. So the challenge is to manage to kill them before they can get too close. This can be hard at times, because they almost always come in pairs, if not more.

There is another trick to help you smack them down, however. Every Heaven Smile has some sort of weak point. Regular Smiles have a glowing spot on one of their limbs, and shooting it will often kill them right away. There are many, many types of Heaven Smiles. The Bombhead Smile, for instance, has a bomb around his head. His head is his weak point, but there is a explosive cage around it. You have to wait for the cage to open and then make your shot. If you miss and hit the cage… KABOOM!! Another example is the Ceramic Smile. He’ll always run away from you, and won’t take any damage from being shot. However, he has a heart emblem on his chest, and if you can snipe it, he’s as good as dead. There are a couple Smiles that shoot back, though. Those would be the Laser Smile (self-explanatory) and the Galactic Tomahawk Smile, whose name is ridiculous and fires salvos of missiles at you.

And that’s pretty much it for the controls and enemies. The next topic to cover is probably the characters. But see, that’s the first really strange part of the game. The Killer7 assassins, as they’re known, are apparently all multiple personalities of a single man, Harman Smith. Multiple personalities with multiple bodies. And as you may have guessed, there are seven of them, not including Harman. The first is Garcian Smith. He’s basically the front man for the Killer7. He takes the jobs but doesn’t do much of the dirty work. He’s also a “cleaner”, and by that, it means that he’s the one that picks up the remains of dead personalities and brings them back to life. If you lose Garcian it’s game over.

Dan Smith, also known as “The Hellion” is my favourite of the seven. He’s basically the badass of the team, and pretty much everything that comes out of his mouth is quotable. His special ability is to charge his gun to perform what is known as the “Collateral Shot”. Kaede Smith – “Barefoot” – is my second favourite, and possibly the most useful of the Killer7, since she’s got a scope on her gun. Sniping the Heaven Smiles before they notice you is a big help. She can also call out a ghost which will break barriers and solve blood-stained puzzles for you.

Kevin Smith, nicknamed “Four Eyes”, is my least used character. Firstly, he doesn’t talk, so he’s got no cool catch phrases. Secondly, his weapon is a throwing knife. For the record, it works as well as the other characters’ guns, but it just seems so lame. His ability to become invisible is pretty slick though, and can get you out of a jam, should you need to pass by security lasers or Heaven Smiles unnoticed. Coyote Smith, “The Thief”, is pretty badass himself, but not so much as Dan. He packs a magnum, and shouts “You’re FUCKED!” each time he one-hit kills a Smile. His abilities include super-jumping and picking padlocks.

Con Smith, or “The Punk”, is the youngest of the group and is apparently blind. Explains the bandanna over his eyes. Con carries two pistols and is lightning fast. He can become even faster using one of his abilities, and can also use his small size to slip through narrow passages and his excellent hearing to detect secret passages. The final assassin, Mask de Smith, simply referred to as “The Mask”, is a huge ex-wrestler. He even wears a freaking cape! But nobody would dare laugh, because he’s packing two mini grenade launchers. Those grenade launchers can be charged to fire different types of shells, for taking down different armoured enemies. Obviously, those can be also used to destroy cracked walls, and his brute strength comes in handy to move heavy objects, like oil trucks.

You thought the character fun was over? Not so, my fellows. See, each character can be “Leveled up” in this game, though not quite in the traditional sense. As you mow down Heaven Smiles, you’ll collect blood. Some of it being normal, thin blood that can be used to fuel special abilities and restore vitality. But blasting off a creature’s limb or killing it by weak spot will net you a bucket of thick blood, which is essentially money in this game. Its first use is to pay a ghost for hints, but the second use is far more valuable. Should you return to Harman’s Room (the safe room for this game) and check channel B on the telly, you’ll find the blood channel. Here, you’ll meet a spooky old doctor who will exchange your blood for serum. The serum can be used to level up your characters in different areas, like power and speed. They’ll also learn new moves, like counterattacks and how to lock-on to an enemy’s weak point. You can only make so much serum in each level though, so no super-powering your assassins in level one! There is an unlimited supply of serum in the second part of level six, but by that time, leveling up will be kinda worthless…

And that’s everything about the characters you’ll be using to blast your way through the game’s seven levels. While seven might seem pretty short, the levels are huge, and levels two and six are divided into two parts each, resulting in a total of nine levels (though the last one is super-short). The levels themselves are all similar in objectives. You’re always out to assassinate someone. Makes sense, you are a group of assassins after all. But the formula is similar too. In most stages, you’re out to solve puzzles in hopes of collecting “Soul Shells”, which are used to open the way to the boss. Some levels change it up though, and require you to find other things like a figurine collection or colour samples. It’s pretty much the same thing over and over again, but the ever-changing puzzles, settings, and variety of enemies keeps thing fresh.

Now, I’d like to tell you about the story, but I’m only just past halfway in the game at this point, and it’s not making a lick of sense yet. Or at least, none of the elements are really coming together to form a big picture. As it started, they were going on about achieving world peace, but at the final peace treaty conference, the Heaven Smile terrorists appeared and blew everything to kingdom come. So now the world is in terror, and the Killer7 have been hired to stop them, and apparently other random freak shows. If you like a story that leaves doors open for you to come to some conclusions on your own, you’ll probably like this game, because that’s what the director said he wanted the story to be like. I read it in Nintendo Power. Me, I’m just trying to figure out the parts that they’re trying to get across to you, because a lot of it is chained together in various conversations with ghosts that aren’t all to explicit about what they’re telling you.

While the stages may be similar to each other and the story is confusing as Hell, there’s one thing that would sway may opinion of the game were I not in favour of it: the bosses. The boss fights, and sometimes the boss characters themselves, are just great. The first one is this anime-looking angel girl, and you’ve just gotta shoot out her wings. Not so hard, because she doesn’t move, but in the second phase you’ve gotta circle around to her back, and shoot out four faces that have made their homes there. A little harder here, because she follows you and tosses fireballs to boot. The second boss is simply a matter of shooting her as much as you can in a set amount of time. When the clock runs out, whoever got hit the most dies. The rest of the bosses (that I’ve faced so far) are all really original and cool. If this was a Konami game, the boss rush mode would easily be enough reason to buy the game.

So what really is the allure to Killer7? Aside from the fact that the game itself doesn’t offer too much in regards of gameplay, it is quite fun. The draw to keep playing to the end, at least, is very high, not only because the game itself is fun, but because you’re gonna be dying to find any clues whatsoever that will help you figure out what’s going on. the game can also be riotously funny at times. Such times include the first few times you kill with Coyote, when you find out what’s really going on inside the First Life building in level three, and pretty much the entirety of level five. I swear, that has got to be one of the best levels in any game, based solely on how funny/awesome everything that transpires within it is.

The graphics in Killer7 are cel-shaded, for those of you who managed to miss this game completely until now. And while it’s not the best job I’ve ever seen, it does look pretty damn spiffy. Character animations in cutscenes are very stiff, but it’s something you’ll get over. The countless visual effects are just spectacular, from enemies literally blowing to a million pieces when they die to the way the screen contorts around a Heaven Smile when it’s about to explode. The scenery is often colourful and surreal, with plenty of artsiness and atmosphere. And the animated cutscenes, done in a couple distinct styles, are beautiful and common. Particularly in level five. Music is great too, even though a lot of it went mostly unnoticed, a few tracks were outstanding, namely the theme of level three and the techno beat of the Gatekeeper’s hallways. Haunting laughs are everywhere, because they’re your tipoff to where the Heaven Smiles are. They always laugh when the catch sight of you and when they die. So there’s bushels of creepy laughter in this game. And of course, the voice acting. Possibly the best I’ve heard in a game so far. These people weren’t pulled off the street like most video game VA’s seem to be (see RAD for PS2). Nope, these guys were pros. And if they were pulled off the street, they sure have some hidden talent.

One thing that may turn people off (aside from the strange gameplay, uber-confusing story, explicit gore and language, occasional sex scene, and unique visual style) is that there are no unlockables. There is a super-hard mode (a la Viewtiful Joe) that is playable once you’ve beaten the game for the first time, but I wouldn’t count that, even though you get a new character for it. And there’s even a super-easy mode for those who finish the super-hard mode. But those are hardly unlockables, they’re just ways of extending the life of the game. But really, there’s no need for unlockables in this kind of game. It’s good enough to stand on its own.

So the game is brilliant. But as much as I’d like to, I cannot recommend it to everyone. So far, pretty much every review I’ve read was positive, but I know that there are gonna be some people who just won’t be able to grasp the beauty of a game like Killer7. Some people like everyone I know. That’s just how it goes down. Believe me, if I weren’t trying to cut down on my game purchasing, I would totally buy this one. I really should, too, since it’s allowed by my new Capcom and Nintendo only rule (mind you, that rule has already been broken twice). But alas, if I do get this one, it’ll be as a gift. Enough rambling. I highly recommend renting it. If you like it as much as I, then maybe buy it (Probably the GC version, because I hear the PS2 version is slightly censored and suffers from slowdown). If you don’t [like it], you’ve got terrible taste.

The Good Stuff:
  • Ultra-violence and unrestrained pottymouth!
  • It’s super fun to play
  • Intense graphic style
  • Deepest video game story EVAR
  • Do you really need me to keep going?
  • The Bad Stuff:
  • I itch for more. MORE!!
  • Hard is perhaps too hard
  • Bonus modes offer nothing special
  • Kirby Canvas Curse

    I’m not a big fan of the colour pink, being the manly man I am. Regardless of this fact, I am a huge fan of Kirby. The little pink fluffball’s games are always entertaining to play, even if a couple of them are way too short or easy. Heck, even his show isn’t too bad considering that it doesn’t feature nearly enough of the pink marshmallow and instead focuses mainly on the characters who’s names aren’t in the title. So if I hate pink so much, why is the page drenched in it?

    Pretty stupid question, but it gives me some time to type in filler and think up some pertinent things to type. Firstly, it’s all pink because I’m reviewing a damned Kirby game. Secondly, pink goes really well with other pinks, so the rivers of rose flow very smoothly together. And on a side note, I’d like to direct your attention to the top of the page, where as you can see, I’ve changed the look a little. Works better with image-based backgrounds this way. And it looks a lot better overall too, but back to the review!

    I’ll start by saying this: Kirby Canvas Curse is without a doubt the best Kirby game since Kirby Super Star back on the SNES. Yeah, that’s right. Anyone who might follow the exploits of the pink wonder would know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, KSS is the greatest Kirby game ever, and that title is suddenly being challenged. While Canvas Curse fails to topple the reigning king, it certainly comes close. Want to know why? Read on. If you don’t care, read on anyways. You know you’ve got nothing better to do.

    Firstly, Kirby Canvas Curse is incredibly fun. And it’s very simple to boot. Making Kirby fly all over the place and screwing around with some of the different powers can be fun enough to while away the hours while not actually accomplishing anything. I find it very similar to Super Mario Sunshine in that I can just play around in the levels and never actually make any progress in the game. Games like this are rare and are easily my favourites.

    The premise of the game is pretty standard-issue for Kirby games in that it’s simple and shallow, but does stray a bit from the usual “King DeDeDe/Dark Matter is out to cause trouble” routine. In this game, a new enemy appears to make life hard for our hero. As it goes, Kirby was just sitting around and then this witch came out of nowhere and turned the world into a painting. Kirby tries to stop her, but is quickly turned into a useless ball. The witch flutters away, leaving her magic paintbrush, which Kirby touches and somehow manages to send to you. Thus, you have the paintbrush (stylus) and can draw stuff all over the world. And then it’s off to fight the witch! No plot twists or anything. A perfect story for a Kirby game.

    So you’ve got this “paintbrush”, and you’re in charge of helping Kirby save the world. How does this work? Easy. Kirby, as a ball, will just roll around on his own. Pretty useless. This is where you come in. Drawing on the touch screen will produce a rainbow that Kirby will follow and use to gain some speed. This is how you get him places. Need to get up a ledge? Draw a ramp. Need to cross a pit? Draw a bridge. And so forth. Tapping Kirby will make him to a dash attack, which is his primary defense against enemies. the second line of defense is you, as you can poke enemies to stun them so Kirby can finish them off without the aid of a touch-dash. And that’s the basics. You can also draw a loop to make Kirby dash and get a huge speed boost. Such a maneuver is rarely necessary, but fun to use nonetheless.

    As always, Kirby can use his characteristic enemy copy ability to acquire the powers of his foes. Only now, he doesn’t have to ability to inhale them, so it only takes a body slam to steal powers. There are some really fun powers to play around with, like Wheel, Missile and the new Balloon power, but others like Spark and Stone can be more cumbersome than you might like. In the end, you will have to make use of every power to solve some tricky puzzles and find all the secret items, just like in previous games.

    The game itself is about average length, being composed of seven worlds (each containing three levels) and the final boss level. wile you may be able to burn through the main game in three hours or less, depending on how quickly you pick up on the controls, that is simply an appetizer for all the crap there is to do in this game. And don’t get me wrong, the main game is plenty interesting on it’s own, and even offers a good amount of challenge, not usually seen in Kirby games, but there is so much beyond it that you might be surprised at how much there actually is to accomplish in the game.

    First off, each level contains three hidden medals. Some are simply a little ways off the beaten path, perhaps hidden in an alcove near the top of the screen. Others might be behind a wall that con only be broken by a certain copy ability. Others yet might require you to go a long ways off your path and hit numerous switches, and solve some complex puzzles. And lastly, some are locked behind giant doors that can only be opened by hitting a switch later in the game (similar to the Switch Palaces of Super Mario World). Getting to all these medals is no easy task, and that’s still only about the half of it.

    After you’ve finished to main game, you’re given the ability to unlock new character balls to play through as. While you don’t have to, completing the game with each of the four unlockable characters will net you even more medals, so it’s highly recommended. Not only that, but each new ball has it’s own play style. The Waddle Dee ball, for instance, is really bouncy and you have to adjust your style of play to incorporate its erratic springiness. The DeDeDe ball, on the other hand, is huge and slow. If nothing else, it provides a bit of an incentive to play through as all five characters.

    I’m not even close to done here, so stay strapped in, fools. Once you manage to muddle your way through each world, you’ll unlock its Rainbow Run variant. Rainbow Run offers not one, but two new challenges for you. First, you get the standard Time Trial mode, in which you have to clear one room of each level in a certain amount of time. Then there’s the evil Line Trial, where your goal is to clear a different room from each level using only so much paint. While Time Trial only requires practice, Line Trial makes you perfect using only tiny ramps and has you trying endlessly to figure out where exactly to put those lines. Each trial mode has three “difficulty levels”, and will award you with medals based on your performance.

    So what exactly are you gathering up all of these medals for? Later. I have to explain the boss modes! After you’ve cleared the last stage of each world, you get to challenge one of three bosses; Kracko, Paint Roller, Or King DeDeDe. Each boss presents a dramatically different challenge and has two difficulty levels. Kracko’s game if reminiscent of Kirby’s Block Ball in that you must bounce Kirby around a stage with a paddle, breaking blocks and defeating enemies until you finally face Kracko in a nube-a-melcocha battle. King DeDeDe will challenge you to a mine cart race which is very similar to the “Gourmet Race” mini-game featured in Kirby Super Star. Lastly, the Paint Roller’s challenge is a tough (due to oversensitivity) game of connect-the-dots that ends with a simple “tap the blinking panels” test of speed and accuracy. The boss games aren’t overly difficult during the story mode, but once you’ve beaten the Lv2 game, you can play it from the Sub-Game menu, where it gets really hard. Particularly the Paint Roller game. But doing well in these sub-games will earn you (you guessed it) medals, so they’re worth the effort.

    And now that I’ve listed out all of the different ways of getting these coveted medals, I think I’m due for an explaination of why they’re so important to collect. You see, medals are essentially your currency for buying unlockables. That one was pretty obvious, but what they unlock might surprise you. Goods come in all shapes and sizes, from music for your sound test, to heart containers for Kirby to a couple of the character balls. There are even different paint schemes to change the colour of your rainbows (though they suck, the default rainbow is easily the best), and some unlockable ability challenge stages (which can be aced to earn even more medals). One really neat item will replace all the music in the game to the music from Kirby: Nightmare in Dreamland. Kind of a downgrade (the music in Canvas Curse rocks), but it’s a novel idea.

    So how are the production values? Graphics, for starters, are excellent. While the amount of animation isn’t quite up to par with that of Kirby’s GBA adventures, it’s still quite fluid and reminds you of what masterpieces devoted artists can do with 2D graphics. The backgrounds are beautiful as well, and each different type of stage has its own style, from a black and white mechanical theme to pastel hillsides to a comic-inspired city, each level is extremely diverse as far as scenery goes. Just take a look at the screenshots.

    The music for the game is just phenomenal. While it’s composed almost entirely of Nightmare in Dreamland remixes (which are, in turn, Kirby’s Adventure remixes), most of them are so different that you might not even notice it’s the same song until a single familiar bar plays. Some of them are just so out-there that they heavily incorporate sound effects, like cell-phone beeps and the like. Sound effects are pretty minimal and don’t have the traditional Nintendo fortune of voice clips (take that as you like), but they get the job done and are pretty convincing. I mean, you can’t really goof the sound of a lightning bolt or a tire burning rubber.

    Duh. The gameplay rocks. Like I said, it’s fun enough to just mess around for hours. Add that and the enjoyable story mode, plus the almost-infuriating Time and Line Trials, and the mini-games, the four extra character balls, and the really neat final boss battle, and you’ve got quite a winner. It lacks multiplayer, but for such an excellent single-player experience, I’m willing to overlook that. The only real flaw in the game is trying to navigate Kirby underwater. You have to draw a line to keep him submerged, and while it might not sound so hard, it can be a real bitch when you’re trying to complete some of the Time Trials. That aside, everything is great about this game. If Kirby were a more popular franchise, Kirby Canvas Curse would sell DS units. Easily.

    I know that there’s probably something I’ve forgotten to mention, but I don’t know… Oh yes. There are two things that bother me. There is absolutely no music on the title screen. Absolute silence. That and there’s no neat little interactive thing on said title screen. Super Mario 64 DS had the drawing thing, WarioWare: Touched! was full of things to poke and prod, and even Feel the Magic XY/XX lets you play with the mic. But nothing on the Canvas Curse. Oh well. Little issues aside, the game is an A++ fo shizzle. If you own a Nintendo DS, this is well worth your moneys. Even better, import the Japanese version and get a pink stylus! Nintendo totally owes me for not including it in the NA version…

     
     

    Note: (it’s obvious, but for the sake of good jounalism) all pics stolen from Planet GameCube.

    Retarded

    It’s been a while, but I haven’t forgotten about the site, I’m just a little low on material. And time. You’ll see why when the next article gets here. Anyway, I’ve got some goodies for ya.

    First of all, yesterday’s episode of Family Guy, “Petarded” was possibly the funniest episode of anything I’ve ever seen on TV. I was so impressed with it that I’ve decided to go as far as providing a torrent link so that you may download and watch, should you be one of those infidels who missed it last night. Or even if you want to watch it again, like m’self.

    Secondly, HIM has gone and announced a new album, Dark Light, coming in September. For those of you who are like me and can’t wait for it, I’ve got another torrent that will net you two songs from the album. Mind you, they’re live, so you have to suffer through some crowd, but the songs themselves totally make up for that minor annoyance. “Killing Loneliness” is great, but I’m really into the “Vampire Heart”. Highly recommended, even if you don’t normally listen to HIM.

    Final note for the day is that I’ve got two articles in the works. At least. I’ve got so many projects on my mind that it’s impossible for someone like me to keep it all organized. One is (if you’ve been paying attention you saw it coming) for the new WarioWare game, and the second, a little more out of left field, is for Kirby’s first DS game. Also, I’m actually reading a book at the moment (not as I type this, but you know what I mean), so I’ll probably sum that up in a blog review once I’m done with it. So go dowload that shit and find some way to keep yerself busy until my next article is done.

    Wario’s Guide to the Galaxy

    So I’m browsing the Fark, and I find what is possibly a faint glimmer of hope for gaming.
    Someone copied WarioWare.
    Now I always figured that WarioWare had such
    a bizarre (yet highly successful) concept that nobody would ever try to blatantly use it for their own game. But there it is. Based on the movie “the Hitchhiker’s guide to the Galaxy”, it’s only got 42 games, but they only last a couple seconds each and they’re fired at you in rapid succession. It’s WarioWare. Just something I thought was really cool and worth mentioning.

    The way of the Jedi

    Aaah. Did you miss me? I’ve been playing Katamari pretty hardcore over the last week, and got all three of my bros into it to boot, so that kind of helps to explain the lack of posting. I’ve also been spending mucha hora with Command & Conquer Generals. Is so funs. But that’s not the point! I finally finished the article that was supposed to be done last Friday. I also installed Word ’97, so typos should be minimal to non-existant. Enjoy.