Me sick… No school, so me added image to gallery. Me hope you like. ~Ryan out
Author: Ryan
Wario Ware, Inc.: Mega Microgame$!
Everybody say hello to my first GameBoy game review! Everybody loves GameBoy, regardless of whether they side with the GameCube, Playstation 2, or(God save their souls) X-Box. Why? Nobody really knows. It might be because it has the biggest library of games ever(probably over 1000 by now), or maybe because it’s portable. Personally, most of the franchises I love the most are on the GB. These include MegaMan Battle Network, the Legend of Zelda, Golden Sun, the Wario Land series, and a couple others.
Now, Nintendo has just released a new Wario game upon the public. The only thing that separates it from the other Wario games is, well, everything. Until now, Wario has only starred in adventure games and Wario’s Woods. Now the Wario Land games, I adore. Especially Wario Land 2. They all host huge worlds for Wario to adventure through on his never-ending quest for riches and treasure. Wario’s Woods was a bit different… actually, it was a lot different. It was somewhere in between Tetris, Puyo Pop, and Dr. Mario. Strangely enough, though, Toad was the main character…
Wario Ware Inc. takes gaming to a level that nobody had ever dreamed of until now. It redefines the term “mini-game” and will either suck you in immediately or give you that ‘Get it away. I feel dirty’ feeling. There is no middle ground. You will not say ‘It’s an OK game’. You will love it or hate it. I originally downloaded the ROM because a)I couldn’t grasp what the big N was trying to do, b)I can’t rent GB games, and c)I don’t like to take risks when it comes to buying video games. But, had I just went all-out and bought it, my sacrifice would not have been in vain. I LOVE THIS GAME. So without further adieu, I’ll get to the revieu.
Wario Ware Inc., like I said, is a very innovative game. At the heart of the little black pak is a barrel full of 5-second mini-games. Yeah, I thought it sounded weird too, but oh, I was wrong. When you start, the games lets you sign in your name, and then shows you a little cutscene of the game’s story. Then you start. One after another, these 5-second mini-games are thrown at you, providing you barely enough time to think about what you’re doing. Luckily, before the game starts, your objective flashes on the screen. These objectives consist of things like ‘cook’, ‘stomp’, ‘sniff’, ‘dodge’, and ’tilt’. Basically, if you have slow reflexes, you’re going to fail.
Now there are several levels in the game, each consisting of a bunch of the mini-games. Every level is hosted by Wario or one of his friends. I find this confuzzleing because Wario seems like the type that wouldn’t care to have friends. Maybe he does have a sensitive side under that greed and mean after all. After you beat a number of games, you’re treated to a “Boss Stage”. These stages have no set time limit, only limited by your skill, which is mostly just good timing. Did I mention that any and every mini-game utilizes the Control Pad and/or the A button. Simple, but strangely entrancing.
The story, or what I get of it, goes a little like this. Wario is just watching TV when he sees a commercial that shows how well GameBoy games are selling. Wario, never one to turn down possible profit, immediately throws on his biker outfit, jumps on his hog, and heads out to get a computer. He gets home with his new laptop and starts to make games after a quick renovation to his hilltop home. Only, he falls asleep as soon as he starts. He realizes that he’s gonna need a little help to do this, and he decides to call up his closest buddies to help him. That’s about it. So now I’ll give you a quick overview of the first couple levels.
We start our “adventure” at Wario Ware Inc. Wario has got a bunch of beginner games for the player to practice with. So, he jumps on his trampoline, and into his… radio? Now it starts. Oh, I should also say that you get 4 lives for each level. If you fail to complete your objective you lose a life. So we get to play a few games. 10 if it’s your first time. The games include a Spy Hunter parody, a Super Mario Bros parody, a Pac-Man parody, and several ‘catching’ games. The boss stage is simple. You’re Wario, you punch a small disc-like thing-on-a-string until it goes over the bar and you finish it off. Beat this and you can move to the next level. If you come back to the level later, you can keep playing until you lose.
The next level is the town’s local disco, Club Sugar. In this level, your host is Jimmy, who looks like a cross between Wario, Disco Stu, and a clown. Or maybe just a clown in polyester. Anyway, Jimmy’s level lasts for 15 mini-games. They’re a bit tougher here, with games like ski jumping, karate chopping, and lots of other sports-oriented stuff. It’s also home to the best boss game that I’ve seen so far. It’s a very simple spoof of Punch-Out!!, probably for all of us Animal Crossers who can’t get the the real game yet. It’s prettey simple, dodge and jab. Eventually the enemies will do one-hit kills, so practicing is a must. As I said, you can return to level after you’ve beaten them and play as long as you want, but I warn you, the games all have varying difficulty levels, and some of them can get extremely tough.
The third and last level I’ll sum up is the Gelateria. At this point, you can choose one of three levels to move on, and I chose this one, because the host is Mona, and well… you know how it is. Mona has a little sub-story. It seems that she’s once again late for work and now she’s on the lam because she was speeding. Oh, and she was attacking police cars with eggs, snot and banana peels. The genre of this level is “Strange games” and strange they are. Some of the objectives include flying a paper plane, catching toast, sniffing up a booger, picking a nose, and brushing teeth. The boss level is pretty stupid here. You have to hammer a nail in, and if you miss even once, you lose. Luckily, the other games aren’t too hard and you should still have 4 lives by the time you get this far.
Now that I’ve helped you get to know what the game is all about, I’ll gt to the real review. The graphics are a good point to start at, I think. Now, with this game, as you can see from the shots, it’s hard to say if the graphics are “good” or not. It’s a very mixed bag. There are cartoony full-color animations, stick figure mini-games, outline games, and even some portrait-esque backgrounds. I’d say that overall they work very well with the way the game is presented. It’s like the wind Waker, the graphics wouldn’t work any other way. If course in WWI you could give all the mini-games Golden Sun quality, but it would take away from the charm. Trust me.
But how is the sound? Well, once again, it’s a mixed bag. There are a lot of voices and sound effects, which all sound very good and fit right where they belong. OK, so the voices are a littlebit grainy. But you can’t expect perfection from the GameBoy. Even with the little grain, they sound just fine. There is music, but it changes so rapidly you really don’t take the time to notice it. And if it does annoy you, simply turn it off. It’s that simple. Not a whole lot else to say about this category.
Gameplay seems to be a big issue these days. Since it’s a Nintendo game, the controls are perfect. Of course, it would be hard to screw up since it only uses the Control Pad and the A button. Like I said earlier, the game itself is very fast paced, and I think it’s really fun. Again, this game is definitely NOT for everyone. If you like to take things slow, don’t play it. If you have a slow reaction time, don’t play it. If you have an X-Box, don’t play that. I’m not sure why, but I find Wario Ware Inc. pretty funny. To be truthful, there isn’t anything really funny in it at all, but I find myself laughing a lot when I play it.
Replay value? Length? It’s all about “how many hours is it?” these days. Why don’t people ask “is it fun?” any more? I’ll tell you this, It will not take you long to finish this game start to finish. But if you want to unlock every game and earn a flower (beat a set score) for every one of them, it’s gonna take some time. As for replayability, you could play this forever. Like Space Invaders and Frogger, it’s a never-ending quest for a high score. If Nintendo put this in an arcade machine, they could stand to make a LOT of money. But they put it in cartridge form instead. I’m kind of confused why they didn’t put the Nintendo Puzzle Collection on the GB instead of the GCN. It would have worked a lot better, I think.
Well, that’s about all I have to say about Wario Ware. I urge you to try it out as soon as you can. Not that I’m encouraging piracy or anything, but o should play the ROM first to see if you like it before you consider a purchase. $50 is a lot for a shot in the dark. I must say though, that I’m strongly considering dropping my paycheck on this game. Now if only Aria of Sorrow hadn’t come out recently. I’m really torn between a few different games right now, and my budget only has room for one. Not only that, but next month, at least 4 must-haves are coming out. I need a new job! Somebody pay me to do this!
Yeah, like I said, somebody pay me for this! It sure would help motivate me to write more often. Oh well. I guess I’m doomed to live the life of an unemployed leech. No fricikn way I’m going back to Xentel. I don’t care how well they pay, it’s just not worth it. I need a job where I’m actually doing something. But enough about that.
Sorry I still haven’t completed the MM4 article. I guess the moment just passed and I lost interest. So I guess I’ve learned something from doing this. I shall pass that lesson onto you, in case you have some kind of aspiration in the future. Always do something while you want to do it! Don’t put it off! Just look at what happened to Quest for the Cube. That could have gone somewhere. No it wouldn’t. Who an I kidding? Well, that’s all for today, have a good week and don’t get SARS!
Doodle bop
Today I added a picture of a turkey and Felix to the gallery. I did them in MS Paint, so they’re rather poorly-drawn, but I still find the turkey quite comical and charming. Maybe I should get people to submit their own art… ~Ryan out
UPDATE! – I was on a bit of a downloading spree today and came across a fun little gem. I knew that I had to write about it. Go check it out. NOW. ~Ryan out
What holiday?
I hate holidays. Well, except for when I get stuff. In other news, I just figured out how to hook up my GCN, NES, or whatever to my PC so that I can take proper screenshots without ROMs. This opens a lot more possibilities for me. Well, I’m in a bit of a rush, so I’ve gotta sign out now. I hate holidays. ~Ryan out
When Soup Attacks!!
I made soup for lunch today.
If my webcam hadn’t been so downstairs at the time, I would have made an article out of it. It sounds like a bad idea, but it was quite the ordeal getting it done. I guess I’ll just sum it up for you.
Ryan decides to have soup for lunch. He proceeds to get the box, it says “4 pouches, 16 bowls” so it looks like he’s going to be eating a lot of soup. He reads the instructions “Mix contents into boiling water”. Ryan looks at the oven and says to himself “How do you work this thing?” After much trial, error, and burning, Ryan gets the water and soup onto an element. He starts to mix the block of “soup” and the water turns all murky. Now unaware of what is going on beneath the surface, Ryan continues to whisk away. After a while, Ryan notices that the water level is rising at an alarming rate! He reads the second and final step of the package “Lower temperature and put lid on pot”. sound easy enough, but at this point the water is almost at the top of the pot. Ryan slams the lid down and lowers the temperature. The lid buckles as the water pushes it up and slops over the sides. Ryan holds the lid with all his might until the pressure dies down. After about 5 minutes, he lifts the lid to look inside and is scorched by escaping steam. He then turns off the oven and removes the pot to let it cool off. Some time later, he takes the lid off and pours the contents into a large bowl. When grabbing it, he realizes that the liquid is quite hot and that it has made the bowl quite hot as well. After thoroughly dousing his hands in ice water, Ryan takes the bowl downstairs and hopes that it tastes good, because he’s gonna be eating 4 bowls of it.
Quite the adventure, no? Well, that’s all I really wanted to say for today, so I’ll do a real update later this week. ~Ryan out.
Musical Theatre? What?
It’s been quite some time since I’ve updated at such an hour, but that really doesn’t matter in the end. I’m suffering from temporary insomnia again, but this time I can’t quite figure out why. I think I screwed up my sleeping pattern during May long weekend. Oh well. Aside from my personal problems, I’ve been working on Chat Radio 6+7 all (yester)day. Well, while I could anyway. I attended my bro’s “Musical Theater” presentation, and that took like 4 hours, plus I got home from school late. Oh, and speaking of the presentation, many a picture was taken, and I got the programs, so I might do a critique of it. Definitely on my “to do” list once I get a scanner. Back to my point, Chat Radio 6 is up and I’ll get 7 done tomorrow for sure. You can bet you first born daughter’s life on it. And that’s about all I have to say for today. Later. ~Ryan out.
UPDATE! – As promised, Chat Radio 7 is up. Looks like you get to keep your first born daughters. Damn.
And just in case any of you were wondering, yes, the soup was pretty good. ~Ryan out.
Would you like to make a donation…
11 days seems like a very long time when you have to work… That’s right, I got a job. Or more specifically, I had one. At least I learned that telemarketing just isn’t for me. Or I’m just not for telemarketing. Either way, I didn’t like it so I don’t feel too bad. It was good pay, but I just can’t do something I loathe. In any case, I’m updating just to let you know that I wrote a new “article“. I’d say it’s more like Chat Radio than an actual article, but like I’ve said so many times before, you take what you can get. That’s about it for a while. ~Ryan out.
Hylian Idol!
Welcome back! Within the past few years, so-called “reality” TV has made a huge boom on the small screen. A lot of people will say that’s great, because they love the stuff, my mom included. A distinctly smaller group will not care either way, because they don’t care what they watch, or they don’t watch TV at all. My group though, will tell you that it’s horrible. A good amount of people do hate this crappy TV. Why do I hate it? Well, mostly because 1)A lot of the ideas are horse crap (i.e. Big Brother) and 2) Because they take up valuable air time when we could be watching cartoons or sitcoms instead. See my point?
As you may or may not be aware, “American Idol” has been on top of the proverbial heap for quite some time now. Like the rest, I really don’t like it all that much. If it were something more along the lines of “Rock Idol” or “Metal Idol” I might be a bit more interested in it. But as it is, all they do is promote crappy music and churn out pop stars (which, ironically enough, is another crappy musical reality show). Mmmm… pop stars – s + t = Pop Tarts! I like Pop Tarts. But not those commercials. I hate that stupid fricking BEEEEEOOM guy!! I want to kill him!! AAAAAAAHH!! Now look! I’ve gotten into a fit of rage! Better go to the next paragraph!
Just recently, they held a “Canadian Idol” competition here. I was going to try out, but then I remembered that I can’t sing worth a damn. So I did the next best thing and made a little parody of American Idol. It was getting pretty tough to find a crew, set and competitors, so I just took the easy way out and used toys. Building the set was a lot harder than I thought it to be, and getting most of the characters to stand up was seemingly impossible. In the end, I needed to take a total of 37 pics, which added up to just under 500KB. By my count, that is taking up about 2.5% of the space I have for my site, which is a lot more than I’ve allotted to other articles. Of course, my math skills are nothing to rely on, so I might be wrong. Enough about that though, the show must go on!
RyanMan= Hello everyone! Welcome to Hylian Idol, the first reality ummm…. thinger! I’m your host RyanMan, and these are our wonderful judges! Our fist judge is Link from the Legend of Zelda series of video games! Say hello to the kind people in internet world, Link!
Link= Hey thea homeez! I’m tha shiznat y’all!
RyanMan= Why the hell are you talking like that?
Link= Aren’t I supposed to be the equivalent of Randy Jackson from American Idol?
RyanMan= No. Our next judge in none other than Link’s rival, Ganondorf!! Say hi to everyone Ganondorf!
Ganondorf= You suck. You’re terrible. You have no talent. Muhahahahaha!
RyanMan= What the Hell are you talking about, Ganondorf?
Ganondorf= I thought I was playing Simon Cowell.
RyanMan= No, you’re just supposed to be yourself, Ganondorf.
Ganondorf= Very well. And from here on in I will be referred to as Ganon.
RyanMan= Right-o. And finally, our last judge, it’s her highness Princess Zelda!
RyanMan= Ummm… where’s the princess?
Link= I’m looking at you, Ganon.
Ganondorf= I didn’t do it! Not this time anyway…
RyanMan= Well, I guess we’re just lucky that we have a guest judge here. I’d like to introduce to you Mr. Bob McKenzie!
Bob= How’s it goin’ eh?
RyanMan= Pretty good, actually.
Bob= That’s great, eh. Now let’s get on with the show, ya hoser.
RyanMan= Sure thing.
Leia= Sorry I’m late, guys.
RyanMan= Why are you here, Leia?
Leia= Oh, ummm… Zelda couldn’t make it today. It’s time for her royal nap.
RyanMan= Riiiight. Well, I guess we’ll just go on anyway. Can’t disappoint the readers.
Ganondorf= Oh, I’ll give them a good disappointing!
RyanMan= Quiet, you. Now, our first contestant, Ash from Pokemon!
Ash= Hey everyone!
(loud booing)
Ash= Shut up!
RyanMan= So Ash, what are you going to do for us today?
Ash= Well, I thought I’d start by throwing a few Pokeballs…
RyanMan= That doesn’t seem so great
Ash= Shut up!
RyanMan= Whatever, just get to your act.
Ash= OK! Here I go!!!…. Wait! I can’t move my arms! Or my legs! AAAAHH! I’ve got no articulation whatever! Nooooooooooo!
RyanMan= While our crew pulls his body off the stage, we’ll see what the judges think of that performance.
Link= What performance? He just fell down! Well, at least he did a pretty good job of that…
Ganondorf= That was terrible! I’ve seem more talented Armos statues!
Leia= He’s a cutie! Maybe I’ll get his number after the show…
RyanMan= Well, a diverse reaction. What do you think, Bob?
Bob= I got some beer, eh?
RyanMan= Well, I guess that means that Ash won’t be today’s Hylian Idol.
Link= No sir.
RyanMan= So we’ll get our next contestant out here, DinoBot!
DinoBot= Rrrraaarr! Hey everyone! I’m the best!
RyanMan= Sure you are. Now, I hope you can do a little bit more than that Ash fellow
DinoBot= Of course I can! I am DinoBot!
RyanMan= Then what will you be doing for us today?
DinoBot= I’ll be doing my Grimlock impression!
RyanMan= Seems appropriate. Whenever you’re ready
DinoBot= Raaarr! Me Grimlock! Me wanna hear Kup’s war stories!…. That’s it.
RyanMan= …OK. What do you think, judges?
Leia= It was a decent effort, but nobody could EVER do a good Grimlock.
DinoBot= You sayin’ I’m no good?
Leia= Not exactly…
DinoBot= RAAAAARRR!! I’ll have your head! DinoBot transform!
RyanMan= Security! Well folks, it looks like we’re going to take a little break. But don’t fret, we’ll be right back with more Hylian Idol!
(Go get a snack or something. Pretend it’s a commercial break.)
RyanMan= OK, we’re back with Hylian Idol. After our last competitor went nuts, I’ve told our judges to try to be a little less harsh on the competitors who seem to be not quite mentally stable. Let’s see how this works out… Now, our next competitor is Spongebob Squarepants.
SpongeBob= Hi there!
RyanMan= Hey Spongebob, you’ve got a TV show already, so I’m guessing that you have some kind of talent?
SpongeBob= I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!
RyanMan= OK, enough of that. Let’s go Sponge-boy.
SpongeBob= Watch this, I’m gonna make my face disappear!
RyanMan= Errrr… I’ll let the judges decide what to think of this.
Ganondorf= You fool! You just turned around! Go back to you day job!
SpongeBob= You don’t like me?
Leia= Well it was a pretty crappy trick
Link= Boooo!
SpongeBob= *Runs away crying*
RyanMan= What did you think, Bob?
Bob= I’m tryin’ to eat a donut here, eh?
RyanMan= Sure you are. Now, our next contestant is… Leonardo!
Leo= Hello.
RyanMan= So Leo, it seems you’ve had a bit of a career change
Leo= Actually I work as a volunteer firefighter. I just got back from a call and didn’t have time to change.
RyanMan= If you say so. What will you be attempting to do for us?
Leo= Well, I seem to have developed a strange ability to transform. That’s pretty much what I’ll be doing for you.
RyanMan= That’s it?
Leo= Yeah, but considering the competition so far, I think I have a pretty good shot at winning.
RyanMan= That is true. Well, go ahead then
Leo= Okay! Here I go!
Leo= Uh-oh
RyanMan= “Uh-oh” what?
Leo= I seem to have forgotten how to do this.
RyanMan= Well, mark up another failure
Leo= Master Splinter’s not gonna like this
RyanMan= Them’s the brakes. What do our judges think?
Link= You moron! I could transform better than you and I don’t know how!
Bob= Get off my table, eh.
Leia= Well, sadly enough, he was the best so far
Ganondorf= Oh God… One more idiot and I’m gonna go DinoBot.
RyanMan= Hey! We made a vow to never mention him again!
Ganondorf= Oops. I’ll try to avoid it from now on.
RyanMan= Good stuff. Now that Leo’s been carried offstage by the camera guy, we can get the next contestant up here. Everyone give a warm welcome to Safety Stan!
Stan= Hey everyone! I’m glad to be here!
RyanMan= So why do they call you “Safety” Stan?
Stan= Well, I’m extremely afraid of pain. See the helmet?
RyanMan= Afraid of pain, eh? You’d better do something bordering on acceptable then.
Stan= Why?
RyanMan= You’ll see. So speaking of which, what are you gonna do for us?
Stan= I’m gonna do a juggling act. I’m pretty pro, I do kids’ birthdays and all that shat. Now does anyone have something I can juggle?
RyanMan= You came to do a juggling act and have nothing to juggle with?
Ganondorf= *menacing growl*
Stan= Errrr… Of course not! I was just kidding! I’m actually going to sing.
RyanMan= Oh. That’s good. Finally it’s a real parody of American Idol. So what are you going to sing?
Stan= What am I going to sing? Uhhh… uhh… lemme see…
Ganondorf= *reprise of menacing growl*
Stan= The opening theme of the MegaMan cartoon!
RyanMan= Oh no…
Stan= Cue the music!
Stan= *horribly off key* Super fighting robot! MegaMan! Super fighting robot! MegaMan! Super fighting robot! MegaMan! Super fighting robot! MegaMan!
Ganondorf= THAT’S IT!!! TIME FOR SOME BLOODSHED!!
C
Stan= Waaaaaaaahhh!!!! No, please!
RyanMan= I knew this was going to happen sooner or later…
Stan= OOOWWWW!!! NOT MY ARMS!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!
Ganondorf= Die pathetic scum!!!
RyanMan= I’m not even gonna get the other judges’ opinions.
Link= I kinda liked it.
Ganondorf= You want some too, little man?
Link= Hey! I’ve killed you on several occasions.
Ganondorf= Right, sorry…
RyanMan= Quiet, kids. It’s time for the next competitor. And now we have Turok: Dinosaur Hunter.
Ganondorf= Maybe he’ll kill DinoBot
RyanMan= *stern voice* Ganon
Ganondorf= Oops. Right. Not supposed to talk abou-
RyanMan= So here’s Turok!
Turok= Haha! I love me!
RyanMan= This is only gonna go downhill, isn’t it?
Turok= Aren’t I beautiful?
RyanMan= Sure. Now what do you plan on doing to try to impress our judges?
Turok= Well, I’m gonna fight Earthworm Jim here to the death.
Jim= Where am I?
RyanMan= Turok, you are aware that you could get hurt, right?
Turok= Bah. My vest of sticks and a green circle will protect me!
RyanMan= OK, whatever. Just get it over with
Turok= Right! Arm yourself, worm!
Jim= What the Hell!?!? Stop pointing that thing at me!
Turok= If you do not wish to fight, I shall pummel you mercilessly!!
Jim= What?
*fight ensues*
Jim= Okay, hunter-boy! Time to feel the wrath of my power suit!
Turok= Ah, so you finally decide to fight back! En guard!
Jim= En guard this!
*more fighting ensues*
Jim= How do you like that, you narcissistic freak?
Turok= My vest… it did…. nothing….
RyanMan= So I guess Jim wins then. What do the judges think?
Link= Well, Turok lost, so he sucks. But Jim wasn’t a contestant, so he can’t win.
Ganondorf= I could beat both of them at the same time.
Link= No you couldn’t.
Ganondorf= We’ll see about that later…
Leia= Zzzzzzzzzzzz…..zzzzzzzz….
RyanMan= HEY! Leia, wake up!
Leia= Wha!? Oh, uh… that was great.
RyanMan= Do you even know what happened?
Leia= Does it matter?
RyanMan= Check mate.
Bob= I brought some more beer, eh.
Leia= Gimme somma the good stuff
RyanMan= After we’re done you can drink to you heart’s content, but not until then
Leia= But he gets t-
RyanMan= That’s because it’s a character trait
Leia= *mumbles angrily*
RyanMan= Wait… that appears to have been our last act. I guess our judges will have to agree on which crap was the best crap.
Anakin= Hey! I want to do something! I’m a teen, gimme a beer!
RyanMan= No! We already told you that you are too young to compete! How did you get in here
Anakin= I’m not too young! I wanna get drunk! It’s soooo cool to get drunk!
RyanMan= Somebody gt this kid outta here
Link= Gladly
Link= Raaaah! Be afraid! I’ll chop you to little Jedi-bits!
Anakin= Waaaahhh!! Pointy! I’m outta here!
Link= I showed him
Leia= Oh yeah, great job. You scared a little kid
Ganondorf= Ha ha
Link= Shut up!
RyanMan= So can you guys decide who was the best?
Link= Me!
Leia= Fine. As long as it gets me closer to that beer
Ganondorf= Whatever. I just want outta here
Bob= Eh?
RyanMan= Then the vote is unanimous! Link is the Hylian Idol!
Link= So no change from the norm then
RyanMan= Alright, now just say goodbye to the camera and we can get the Hell out of here.
Link= Bye, camera!
Ganondorf= Just go away
Leia= BEER
RyanMan= Well, that’s the end of our show! Goodnight, folks!
Link= Hey… Gimme some sugar baby
Leia= ! Are you grabbing my boob?
Link= Oh come on, Zelda never puts out and I need my-
Leia= Here’s all you’ll get from me!
Link= Ah! If I’d known you were freakishly strong I’d have asked first!
Leia= Take this, pervert!
Link= *gets thrown across the room*
RyanMan= Oh. My. God. I’m getting out of here before it gets any worse.
And that’s the end of that. It was quite the adventure getting this done, but definitely more fun than a review article. I’d have to say that this and the Easter article have been my favorites so far. What you readers will think may vary, but I guess that differing opinions helps keep things fresh. So in conclusion, I must say that no matter whether you love or hate American Idol, I think that everyone can agree that Ganondorf would be an excellent judge.
I’m not sure about it yet, but I think I’m gonna make a mailing list for everyone who wants to know when I write a new article. So if you want in on this, just drop me an E-mail and I’ll add you to the list. Of course, if you want you could just check the site every couple days. To each his own. I really just need an excuse to do something with my account than let it collect spam.
Chocolate rabbits and such
Happy Easter! It’s quite the coincidence that it landed on 4/20. Imagine all those poor kids who can’t get drunk today. Ha ha. A new Easter-themed article is up. Must I mention that it’s my 10th complete article? Woo-hoo! Milestone #1 has been achieved! Well, until next time. ~Ryan out.
The Easter Egg-stravaganza (2003)
Today is that seemingly holy day of chocolate – Easter. I know it’s got some kind of religious meaning, but most people just associate it with chocolate and rabbits instead of Jesus. And you wonder why the world is going to Hell? The sucky part is that the damn non-Christians get to benefit from it too. I’m mostly pissed off at the Atheists though. They deserve nothing. Make them go to school or work. Stop leeching off those who have beliefs!
Enough about that. Today I will present a comprehensive review of all of the candy and other assorted crap I got on Easter morning. Yes, by now I should have grown out of it, but hey, why should I give up a perfectly good opportunity to get a load of free candy and junk? Besides, I’ve only got one year left that I can profit from holidays to this extent, so I’ve decided to milk it for all that I can.
Now we all know that there are upsides and downsides to everything. The great things about Easter are no doubt the candy, chocolate, and the family get-togethers. Also, I have a good excuse to use girly colours for my backgrounds. The downside is that this is one of the two times of the year that they throw church at you from every angle. Not that I really have anything against going to church, it’s just when I have to go several times a week that it starts to get to me. And on a totally unrelated topic, I finally got that haircut I’ve been wanting for so long.
Now onto the candy! We’ll start with a more obscure piece of milky chocolate goodness. This is one of the things that I got that didn’t really stand out among the rest, but still provoked many questions. What is this mystery chocolate? That’s exactly what it is – mystery chocolate. Now normally I don’t like to eat anything I can’t identify with either my expertise or the help of a handy label. Just take a look at it.
Willy Wonka’s got nothin’ on this mofo. Seriously… it’s just a blue foil wrapper. This (badly wrapped) oily ovalish odyssey was just begging to be opened. Maybe not. After all, the wrapper was starting to fall off by itself. So I figured if I didn’t get to the bottom of this thing first, it might get to me. So I picked it up, and the wrapper more or less came off, leaving the next layer sitting upon the table. It only get stranger from here folks.
This baby was a strange one alright. Look at it! White and dark chocolate! Maybe it’s a sign. Maybe it’s telling us that chocolate isn’t as racist as we thought it might be. Whatever the case, I picked it up to examine it further. Upon doing that, I discovered that it was a hollow egg. Only, there were things inside. Things. They rattled around maniacally, waiting to jump out and kill me. So I took the next logical step. I split the bastard in two.
So maybe it wasn’t evil. So maybe it wasn’t plotting to eat my eyes. But it could have been. And I took that chance anyways just to give you a decent article. You should be thankful and send me more mystery chocolate. Preferably none with razor blades though. Poison is OK, but I’ve got a big enough razor blade collection already. Looking back on how much I’ve written, I probably could have gotten a decent article out of just this egg. Oh well, it’s too late now.
Our next subject is one of the most beloved candy icons in the world. To my knowledge, they only come around at Easter time, and that’s when the people gorge themselves on the puffy delights. Personally, I don’t like them that much, but the rest of the world can’t be wrong, can they? By now you should have an idea of what I’m talking about. Yes, it’s the cutest marshmallow out there next to Kirby… the Peeps.
Peeps. What makes them so loved by everyone? Is it the cute little eyes? The cute little beaks? Or do people really get a kick out of eating something that vaguely resembles a little baby chick? That must be it. Stupid voraphiles. As you can probably tell from the photo, my teeth already had their way with three of the sugary yellow chicks, leaving only two. They weren’t happy about having to share the fame, but that’s the way it goes when you’re Siamese conjoined twins. In fact, they were so unhappy being stuck together that I had to perform a little unnecessary surgery…
So they lived happily ever after… in my colon. Well that about sums up the marshmallow content of my goods, let’s move to the next.
These are another chocolatey Easter menu item that voraphiles could really enjoy. Caramilk Bunnies. These little wonders aren’t quite as popular as the Peeps, but they do have their own commercial running, and that’s gotta count for something. While normal Caramilk bars seem to have some kind of mystery surrounding them, their rabbity counterparts have a much easier and fun way to get the caramel in. Just take a look…
I suppose that the term “F***ing like rabbits” refers to any type of rabbits. Even tiny chocolate ones. Note how the other two are content just watching the love bunnies get it on. They had better not caramel all over the tablecloth. Maybe that was a bit dirtier than most of my other work, but it’s only gonna go downhill from here, so don’t be surprised if i stop censoring the big curse words somewhere down the line.
Now we have a couple other egg-shaped chocolate bar spin-offs. Note how both have the exact same rabbit picture on them. Thank God for continuity. On the right is a Reese Egg. It sounds exactly like what it is. It’s basically a Reese Peanut Butter Cup in the shape of an egg. Let me tell you, the PBC’s shape is part of why it tastes so good. This one just isn’t the same caliber as a normal PBC. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, but it does taste different.
On the left in the yellow packaging is an Oh Henry! Egg. I’ve never been too partial to Oh Henry! bars, and this one is no better. It tastes the exact same, only it’s smaller, and it looks even more like a lump of dog feces. I’d take a picture of it, but I took all the pics before I started writing and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna re-bust out the cam. I still haven’t put that Mystery Chocolate anywhere near my mouth.
This big boy is the mainstay of any Easter goody basket. If a kid gets one thing for Easter, this is probably what that one thing will be. After all, Easter would be nothing, I repeat nothing, without a solid pound slab of chocolate vaguely shaped as a rabbit. The only thing that can top this is one of those huge hollow characters. My littlest bro got a big hollow Spider-Man. Needless to say, the rest of us were rather jealous.
Unknown to me, while my back was turned to save the pic, the big bunny broke out of his wrapper and started straight toward the other animal-shaped chocolate. None of them realized what was heading their way, but luckily I caught the heinous hare before he was able to trample the smaller, cuter candy. That and I couldn’t find any red food colouring to make it look like the Peeps were mutilated by the big guy.
We’re nearing the end of my candy smorgasbord, and I saved the best (or worst?) feature item for last. This one is even weirder than the Mystery Chocolate. It makes little to no sense, and it’s almost Christmas-themed to boot. Behold the power of the mighty Hershey Kisses Game!
Look at it in all it’s glory. I can’t figure out for the life of me who isn’t going to simply rip it open and eat all the Kisses. Yes, we all play with our food, but only when we’re making the rules. Nobody in their right mind would play a board game with candy. They’d lose all their pieces by the second roll of the dice. Then again… maybe that’s the point.
I haven’t opened it yet, but my bro opened his, and we were in for quite the shock. All the Kisses had silver, red, and green wrappers. See? It’s Christmas-themed. Despite the fact that the box suggests no particular holiday, you can tell by the colors that they intended it for Christmas. In all likelihood, Hershey just had a lot of leftover red and green foil and were too damned lazy to make Easter colors for their “game”. And it’s not an all-year round thing either. I’ve never seen it out of Easter season.
This concludes my winnings this year. I really didn’t want to look at all of these other things individually, so I just took a picture of all the little stuff and focused on the big things. Maybe you could consider the Kinder Surprise, Creme Eggs, and Mini Eggs big things, but like Hershey, I’m just too damn lazy to do all that extra work. Especially after I’ve eaten all that crap. I’m gonna be doing a lot of crapping over the next couple days. The ironic part is that the Oh Henry! Egg won’t look any different than what it looked like before I ate it.
Oh, I guess I should also mention that my parents always get us a little something else just for the sake of they’re such good people. This year I got something a bit more expensive than the usual CD, but it’ll also keep me occupied for some time. Check it out.
And that sums up this year’s Easter candy. If I’m still interested in this site by the time next year rolls around, maybe I’ll do another article like this. And that’ll be the last Easter where I will receive any candy, because after that I won’t be a kid anymore. Oh well. Life goes on with or without a mountain of chocolate.
On a side note, this little expose marks my 10th article! when I started I never thought I’d be interested long enough to get even this far, but it looks like I’ve done it. Maybe some day it’ll be a real site that real people visit. Next milestone is 50, so I’ve still got a long road ahead of me. Until next time.