That’s not a real bone!

I’ve spent a considerable chunk of my Sunday morning perusing the Commercial Download Center at X-Entertainment, and man it is hitting my nostalgia bone hard. And that’s actually really weird, because I would have been 3 years old at most when any of these commercial actually aired. I guess maybe it’s the fact that they really don’t make advertisements like they used to. Where have all the silly cartoon mascots and stupid jingles gone? Not to mention the terrible acting and special effects. Commercials just don’t catch my interest the way they used to; I watched the McDonald’s commercial and immediately craved McDonald’s. Nowadays I’m pretty sure McDonald’s ads aren’t even allowed to show food (though technically, in this specific commercial all the foodstuffs are puppets).

The other thing that struck me is just how retarded some of these marketing campaigns are. “Underoos are neat to wear!”? Really? “Neat” is the best word you could come up with the describe your product? Even “fun” would have been less stupid. Don’t even get me started on the Pringles ad.

Why didn’t they bring back the “You can smile, America, with Chuck E Cheese!” commercial after 9/11? Totally would have revived the franchise. (Still too soon?)

The fact of the matter here it that in retrospect, I love this cheesiness. It’s great, and gives me the warm fuzzies all over. I truly miss the days when Ronald hung out with McNugget puppets instead of “healthy lifestyle” kids. And I miss cereal box giveaways sooooooooo much. If I’m ever in charge of a cereal, there’s damn well gonna be toys in those boxes. Fuck anyone who tries to stop me.

I also miss the days when I would spend, well, entire days reading X-E. Matt’s completely done away with the front page (beat him to that years ago) and any sort of complete articles now, and made it so that the blog is the main event. Not that I don’t like the blog, it’s still totally X-E, but I like to dig up the old articles once in a while and reminisce about simpler times. Now there are no article links anywhere and I don’t remember the naming scheme he used for the files so I can’t find any! Augh! I’m sure I have links to many of them in my own backlog, but damned if I’ll be searching there. It’s almost nine years worth of nonsense now!

Creeping me out

I’m not sure what it is about this door decoration that give me the jibblies, but it sure does. It might have something to do with the fact that it looks similar to a robo-robin from Dragon Quest. Or maybe it’s because the head isn’t really attached to the body. Probably a little bit of both, come to think of it.

Three things I like that start with “P”

1. Pepsi

2. Pita Pit

3. Posting bloggety stuff in advance through WordPress. The last week of blogging? All written and posted on the 21st. I almost want to go back to 2002 and stab past me in the face for not figuring out how to use this. Or, at least, past me whenever it was that I bought webspace. I don’t think Angelfire would have supported WordPress back then. I’m not even interested enough to find out if they do now.

Let’s Play Minecraft – Day Two

I awoke to the sun’s rays shining through the holes in my hastily built doors. It was already fairly high in the sky. The light was warm and comforting, a nice change from the chilly night air that I had an unusually easy time sleeping with. Maybe it was the lack of energy that kept me out for the duration of the night. Maybe it was just the hopelessness of my situation.

I rose from my corner of the floor and kicked open one of the doors so that I could bathe my entire body in the warm light. It was a new day, but my predicament stayed the same. The Daisy Chain didn’t seem to have grown any food sources overnight, but one of my saplings did bloom into a full tree. I was a bit taken aback by the fact that it had actually worked. Just a few hours ago it was small enough to cram in my pocket, and now it had grown into a tree at least three times the size of myself. Why the other trees hadn’t grown as well was equally as puzzling.

I knocked down the tree and replanted a new sapling in its place. At the very least, I’d have a consistent supply of wood for building tools and other objects. Maybe if I ended up stuck here long enough, I thought, I could upgrade my dirt cave into a wooden shack. Ah, how luxurious that would seem in this land of nothing!

Grabbing anything I felt might be useful, I started over to Gemini, but noticed that there was a figure flailing around on the larger island. More notably, it was aflame! The creature expired and the flames were extinguished before I was able to swim over, which left me more than a little put out. At the very least, I would have liked to capture a little of that fire to heat my den. Then I started to wonder what exactly the being was. And where it had come from. Why was it on fire? How did that even happen?

Questions kept charging into my head. If the being were aquatic and had come ashore from below the waves, why didn’t it jump back in when it lit on fire? Even if it were a land creature, why wouldn’t it have jumped in to extinguish the flame? The islands of the Daisy Chain were creating far more questions than I felt like finding the answers to. Something about the complete randomness of everything around here was very unsettling.

When I made it to shore, I noticed that there was an arrow laying in the grass where the creature vanished. Nothing else remained, which was even more unsettling. The grass around the area wasn’t so much as singed. What was going on here?

I grabbed the arrow and made haste. I was starting to feel like maybe I was in some sort of dream world, or a marionette dancing in the fantasy world of someone else. My hunger pangs were more than enough to convince me that I was real and that I would have to find something to eat, lest the curtains close on the strange puppet show that now was my life.

When I reached the easternmost point of Gemini, I noticed something that I had failed to the prior day. The ocean was disturbingly calm, and more or less silent. If one tried really hard, it was possible to hear the water making tiny splashes on the rocks. But here, my ears picked up on what sounded like running water. Looking around, I saw that there was a small area of water flowing towards the land, but where on Earth was it going? I walked up closer to the rushing water, and to my surprise, it was flowing into a hole! It was barely wide enough for me to fit inside, but the depths of the cave were draped in darkness so I dared not venture into that pit. All I could see inside was a small landing covered in sand, and the stream of water which continued down into the void.

I knew better than to be interested in exploring such a place. I decided that if I could find nothing else on the distant, unnamed isle that I spied the day before, I would make a point of venturing into the mysterious hole. It wasn’t the best Plan B, but at least it was something.

Tree Island looked mostly the same as it did when I discovered it, besides the fact that the tree it was named for no longer existed on it. The peculiar thing here is that I found a few bones and a feather lying in pile towards the north shore. The remains of yet another mystery creature? What exactly was going on here? Why does it seem that any other living things (flora notwithstanding) appear only during the night and are killed at daybreak? Is this even what’s happening? I collected the remains and looked out to the faraway island.

Losing myself in my thoughts, I almost didn’t notice the violent hissing that was approaching me from behind. Luckily, my assailant had trouble containing its excitement at finding prey and continued to hiss loudly, giving me more than enough warning to spin around and face it.

What I saw was a massive spider. While it was a squat little monster, if it stood vertically, it would easily match the size of an average man. The black and brown hairs on its torso and legs stood out like millions of little spines, probably in excitation of locating a meal. The spider lunged at me, but I socked it right in the center of its collection of beady little eyes. They were surprisingly small for a beast if its size, but they were a chilling shade of blood red. I ran toward the beast, planting another fist deep into its head. The blow sent the beast flying back, over the edge of the island. It didn’t take long for the massive arachnid to climb back up (the highest edge was only about three meters above sea level, at best), but I prepared my rickety wooden pickaxe for combat.

I let the spider lunge at me again, dodging its attack at the last moment, and countered with a swing of my pick. Despite the frailty of the tool, the spider’s skull was pierced and it collapsed on the ground, letting out one final hiss before the corpse up and simply popped like the squid from the day before. These creatures didn’t exactly pop, per se; there was no sound, and no spray of beast bittles. But their physical bodies just ceased being. In the spider’s place were a few strands of what I assumed was webbing, thick enough to use as a string, and not nearly as sticky as this kind of thing is supposed to be. I grabbed the strings, and contemplated the fact that in my quest for anything useful, I’d become quite the packrat.

After sitting a while to catch my breath and clam down a little, I figured that it was time to start the swim to the northern island. My stomach was rumbling louder and louder. I wasn’t sure how much more I’d be able to push my body before I collapsed from malnutrition.

Halfway across the waters between islands, I could see that the new land was easily bigger than all of the Daisy Chain would be if they were picked up and stack on top of each other. This is where I would find some sort of salvation.

When I made it to shore, I decided to call the island Hope, because it’s the only thing that had brought me any real hope at all up to this point. I was summarily disappointed when I found that despite its size, Hope was jsut as barren as the Daisy Chain. Hope was essentially a big right angle. The southern part was close to the water and was characterized by a small beach, a handful of flowers, and plenty of tall, unkempt grass. As I moved along the island, it slowly rose farther out of the water. The eastern side featured more of the bright yellow flowers that seemed to bloom wherever they liked, and another single tree. I summarily knocked down the tree and gathered the usual spoils.

Looking out to the north, I saw a tiny speck of land off in the distance. This was considerably father than Hope had been from Home Base even, and I doubted that I’d be able to make it there without aid. The rest of the horizon was simply blue leading into more blue, with the exception of the Daisy Chain, which now looked so small and pathetic in the distance. Hope was a lie, a fruitless gamble, and I wasn’t sure that I had enough stamina to swim back to Home Base, nevermind survive another day in the middle of this wretched ocean.

I did make it back home, and I shambled into my den, falling to the ground under the weight of my considerably weakened body. Life was over. There was no hope left for me. I let my mind empty and passed out.

I opened my eyes and saw only a dim orange left in the sky. Maybe, I thought, once night fell I would be treated to a quick death at the hands of one of those mystery creatures out for a snack. But I wasn’t entirely ready to give up. I went outside and started plucking at the tall grass. If livestock can survive on grass, why couldn’t I? Oh, right: dysentery. I began furiously tearing at the grass with the last of my remaining energy, cursing whatever force put me in this forsaken place. I wanted to live, dammit! I dropped to my knees, wishing to the sky that something would come to save me in my last hours. Looking back down, I noticed that small seeds had scattered around, most likely produced by my destruction of the grass.

Logic would denote that seeds that come from grass should produce more grass. But this place is different. I took a chance, the only chance I had to save my life, and put together a hoe from a few lengths of wood. I tilled a bit of the ground on the southern edge of the island, and planted the seeds there. Deciding that calcium would make for great fertilizer, I mashed up the bones I was carrying around and spread the shards about my tiny farmland. I cannot fathom how it happened, but stalks of wheat grew right before my eyes.

I quickly gathered up the wheat and took it into my den. Through a process that I will refer to as “magic,” I transformed the wheat into delicious, edible bread. It wasn’t actually delicious, but given the fact that it was all I’d eaten in the last two days, I was incredibly satisfied. It also wasn’t actually magic that made the wheat become bread, but we all know how that happens, so I won’t bother to detail the process.

So that was that. On an eleventh-hour gamble, I somehow managed to harness the totally illogical nature of this place to create sustenance for myself and survive another day. At this point, I could easily call Home Base my new home, and just stay here for the rest of my days, but where’s the fun in that?

I laid in the corner of my cave, contented and full. It had been a rough day, but I was beginning to understand how things worked here. Maybe tomorrow I would be able to make some progress towards leaving. But for now, it was time to rest.

“Creativity”

We have a whiteboard at work, which we use to promote stuff. It gets changed occasionally, and since I was complaining about not having an outlet for my creativity at work (that’s not really how it happened) I was put in charge of doodling something on it for this month. This is the result:

I wasn’t struggling so much to create something that would draw people’s attention, but rather, to create something that was legible. My handwriting is awful to begin with, and using whiteboard markers only amplifies the problem.

I also had to take some creative liberties with The Unfee. Mostly due to the whiteboard markers not being my weapon of choice, but also because I don’t really care for the canon design. If you haven’t seen the Unfee for yourself, here’s the image straight from our website:

I don’t think it’s a terrible design or anything, but if you’ve seen the commercial (which, admittedly, is visually atrocious), or any of our more recent Unfee ads, you’ll notice that his design doesn’t work too well with many poses besides that one there. I have a great deal of respect for Cambrian (and I’m not just saying that so I don’t get fired for picking on the marketing department’s baby), and I think it’s a great promotion for a great service, but he’s just too awkward, and not in a fun way that works. I’ve spent a lot of time doodling Unfee, and I can never create something that looks good without betraying the original design.

So yeah. I’m pretty pleased with my whiteboard, and so are my co-workers. Also, if you don’t bank at Cambrian, you should go open an account there. And tell them Ryan referred you. I really need some referrals.

Let’s Not Play

Turns out that the best way to get bored of Minecraft is to write fanfiction Let’s Play it. At least for me. I have screenshots for four more updates, and have written the second and most of the third, but the idea of playing more? Totally haunts me.

I mean, I want to play Minecraft. I really do, but the idea that if I play more I have to play whilst doing something that will keep the fanfic LP at least moderately interesting is super annoying, and makes me not want to play anymore. I really shouldn’t have made it work in a day-by-day format. Right now, I need to spend time in the game mindlessly working on finding anything resembling not-ocean, but instead I have to play it as if it were an actual man trying to do so. Bleh. I should have thought this through better.

Yes, I could create a new map to play on (I can’t go back to old maps with the super-improved V1.8 map generation), but I love this map! I was getting bored of Minecraft, and then found this wonderful new thrill in being lost at sea thanks to the random world generator. I feel like I’m exploring a real place, rather than a bunch of blocks stacked together. If this had been the first map I ever rolled in Minecraft… well, I think I’d have probably had even more fun with it. Also, if I hadn’t read the crafting wiki before playing the game. That may have ruined it a little.

Mostly, I like 1.8’s addition of a hunger meter. I don’t know what happens when it’s empty, but the game sure feels more game-like when you have an objective (of sorts). Not to mention that on my island map, I haven’t seen even one animal mob. Maybe it’s just coincidence, maybe the rules about where pigs can spawn have changes. Either way, I like that I’m actually having to work to keep my Minecraft Man alive. And yeah, that’s how I feel about Minecraft today.

Defectsiders

I’m not sure what happened to the texture on this bus in Darksiders. I stood there for a minute waiting for it to load,  but it never did. I also never passed by the bus again for the rest of the game. I kind of wonder if some programmer put the placeholder texture there and then forgot to go back and put the real one in. Or maybe it just decided it wasn’t going to load that day. It wouldn’t be the worst bug I encountered in the game; after beating the boss of the coliseum, the cutscene that was supposed to come afterward didn’t, and I sat there, trapped in the coliseum, running around like an idiot for twenty minutes before resetting. I had to do the entire coliseum sequence again, too. Apparently THQ felt that was the only place in the entire game that didn’t need a copious amount of checkpoints. Apparently it did.