I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that my surprise bag articles are the most popular content on this website. At the very least, they’re the ones that the most strangers have e-mailed me about. If we wanted to drill down even more, said e-mails were all in relation to the Dick Turtle surprise bags in particular.
Even with that fact set aside, I always got a kick out of opening surprise bags and writing about the strange things found inside. But a few years ago, I noticed that times had changed, and surprise bags weren’t all that, you know, surprising anymore. They got generic. You’d always get the same kinds of boring stuff in each one, and it’s become very difficult to find any that seem unique. Gone are the days of getting a random assortment of Baby trading cards and Spanish Tic-Tacs!
However! There appears to still be some light left in the world, localized entirely within the garage of someone in a nearby neighbourhood, at that. A couple of friends routinely go garage saleing during the summer, and they just happened to notice that one household was selling (presumably) home-made surprise bags. They very thoughtfully purchased a couple bags and delivered them directly to my doorstep. What a kind gesture/obligation!
Right off the bat, I think it’s obvious why I’m assuming these are home-made. They’re basic paper bags with some low-effort doodles on them. Not that I’m judging! It’s just… even the Big Dollar surprise bags were printed, and those are by far the cheapest-looking surprise bags I’ve ever seen on sale in a store. If I were to see any that looked even cheaper? My eyes would probably transform into beating cartoon hearts as I scoop them all up into my arms.
“Sketchy” is exactly the trait I’m looking for in a surprise bag, is what I’m getting at.
Anyway, there are two bags here, and I’m an incredibly indecisive man. Unable to simply pick one to start with, I decided that since I like mysteries much more than I like surprises, I’d start with the one branded “Mystery Bag”. The branding isn’t quite right, but I’ve also accepted a surprise cone for one of these articles, so obviously I’m not going to be too particular.
Dumping out the Mystery Bag, it appears that there’s a nice, little collection of thingamabobs and kajiggers in there. I’ll look at each piece in detail in just a moment, but there’s something a little more pressing to investigate first: the Surprise Bag. I know you were probably expecting me to look at all the Mystery items first, and then do the Surprise items, but we simply have to open both bags first. You’ll see why once you scroll down far enough to see the next couple photos.
Behold! The contents of both bags, laid bare!
Ayup. They do indeed contain exactly the same loadout of toys and candy. I guess you could say that the most surprising thing about the Surprise Bag is that there were no surprises in it at all.
I have to say that the Surprise Bag comes out ahead though, as it was put together with much better colour coordination; all the items in the Surprise Bag were blue, while the Mystery Bag’s items are split between green and orange, with a random purple thrown in. Sloppy, Mystery Bag. Just sloppy.
First up on the list of objects to describe and possibly make humorous commends about: Markers. There’s an orange marker and a blue marker, each of which has a big, fluffy poof on the end. I don’t know what the poof is about. Are these intended to be whiteboard markers with the poof acting as a built-in eraser? I kind of doubt it, and I think the poof is actually just there to be aesthetically pleasing. It’s working on me.
Because all things in life must be compared: the blue marker is clearly superior to the orange one. Not only is blue an objectively better colour than orange, but the blue marker has adorable little dogs on it while the orange one has cats. The blue marker’s superiority cannot be challenged. Also, the dogs are wearing rain boots and splashing in puddles, while the cats are wearing crowns. From this we can extrapolate that the cats are egoists that consider themselves much better than they truly are, while the dogs just want to play and have fun. It’s a cut-and-dry case for dog supremacy, really.
Next up we have a couple of little stamps. I’d say the Mystery Bag wins this one. It had an orange stamp with a balloon on it. While blue is still superior to orange, I like the balloon better than the simple swirl on the blue stamp. I mean, what do you even need a swirl stamp for? I could see the most artistically-challenged people have trouble doodling a balloon, but everyone should be able to draw a simple swirl on their own. It’s not even a Zonai swirl, jeez.
Because I want to have a second paragraph, even if it doesn’t make sense, just typing the word “stamp” makes me think of Stamp from Final Fantasy VII Remake. And when I think of Stamp, I can’t help but belt out combat version of Stamp’s theme from FFVII Rebirth that plays during exactly one skippable side quest. Why did Square-Enix relegate one of the best songs in the game to such an obscure place? We may never know! (But honestly you get a wonderful character moment for Barrett in that quest and for that and the awesome music, you should definitely not skip it.)
Okay, so there was a jar(?) of bubble solution in each bag. I’m not really into bubbles anymore; bubbles were more of a 4-year-old-Ryan kind of thing. I do currently have an 8-month-old nephew, though, so I guess I’ll just throw these into my junk drawer until next time I get to babysit him. Hopefully we will be able to deepen our bond through the ancient rite of blowing bubbles.
It does strike me as somewhat odd that the bubble wands are completely detached from the solution jars. Why? How were they originally sold? I’m imagining that the wands were taped to the jars or both parts were otherwise packaged together at some point. In fact, I’m pretty sure when I got bubbles as a kid, the wands were just placed inside the jars to begin with. So I don’t know what’s going on here. Some kind of shady business, I’m sure, but I can’t quite figure out what or why.
A staple of probably every single surprise bag that’s ever been packed: the lollipop. These ones are “Bon Bon Bum” brand, which I’ve never heard of, and I don’t think I like. Marketing teams around the world: please do not put the word “bum” in the name of any products that are intended to be ingested.
I actually Googled this, and Bon Bon Bum lollipops are, in fact, Colombian in nature. It’s no Dubu gum, but that’s still kind of exotic and exciting! The two I got are from the Berry Explosion series: blackberry and strawberry grape. Both were pretty good, and I’d not complain if I were given more, though the gum in the middle was predictably flavourless and terrible. That said, looking at the website, there are far more exciting flavours out there, like mango, passion fruit, and mystery. I also espied a “Bon Bon Bum Power” product that includes guarana. I had no idea that energy lollipops were a thing until today. Only in Colombia!
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So, um, I guess I kind of forgot to take pictures of the rest of the stuff that came in these surprise bags. Whoops! In my defense, rubber balls and fun-size freezies aren’t the most visually interesting subjects.
The rubber balls are basically totally forgettable. Even as a kid, I don’t think I ever played with a rubber ball for more than about a minute at best. “Wow! Look at that bounce!” I would say, and then get bored because who really cares? While blue is still (yes, I just checked) a better colour than orange, I think I have to give the orange ball a slight advantage here. The orange one has a cool marble-ish pattern on it, while the blue one is just a solid blue and, well… no guy likes blue balls.
As for the freezies? They were delicious. I haven’t had a freezie since my early teen years, and I had completely forgotten how enjoyable they are on a hot summer day. Even these tiny ones really did make my day. They were orange and blue, respectively, and I don’t think I really have a preference between those two flavours. The king of all freezies for me was always the elusive white one. I can’t remember what the actual flavour was (cream soda, maybe?), but if there was a white freezie available, that’s the one that I would always choose.
Now that I’ve written all that out, is “freezie” a brand name? Should I have been calling them “ice pops” or something generic like that? Ehhh, whatever. I’ve already Googled one thing today, can’t be arsed to do it again.
And so that wraps up the tale of the garage sale surprise bags. I can’t say that I’m overly impressed with the contents, especially since they were exactly the same (outside of colour), but I applaud everyone involved for trying. I’ve seen people holding garage sales put out baking or something to entice passers-by to browse, but surprise bags are a totally new angle to me. Then again, it’s been a great many years since I’ve actually gone to a garage/yard sale, so maybe it’s more common than I think? Either way, I got candy and freezies, so I’m a happy boy.
And of course, a big thank you to the generous donors of these bags!