This morning I woke up with the expectation that today would be an incredible day. I watched the Pokémon Presents video that was posted and became unreasonably hyped about the announcement of New Pokémon Snap. Afterwards, I went out for a run around the block, and came back in for a short Ring Fit Adventure session. After showering off, I prepared breakfast and sat down with great excitement to watch The Empire Strikes Back, my favourite Star Wars movie.
Then I picked up my phone and everything went sideways.
(A word of warning, the rest of this post is not about Star Wars. Something much more important came up.)
I’m not sure what I would have written today, had tragedy not struck. I hadn’t really thought that far ahead. I was just happy that today was The Empire Strikes Back day. I did watch the film, and as much as I tried to enjoy it, I was distracted the whole time. I couldn’t focus. I had to pause it and get up and pace around a bit a few times. I was no longer in the right headspace to watch a fun science fiction film. I’m actually probably not even the the right headspace to be writing what I’m about to write, but I need to get it out.
See, this morning I was informed that my ex-wife passed away yesterday.
I was shocked and deeply saddened when I read the text message. This isn’t the right time or place to get into the details, but for years I have been at least somewhat emotionally prepared for this news. That didn’t lessen the blow. Even though we’ve been apart for five and a half years now, I can’t help but hurt.
I don’t believe in fate, or destiny, or any sort of higher power that guides our lives, but I can’t help but be dumbstruck by the timing. Last night, as I was falling down the rabbit hole of Star Wars nostalgia, I pivoted off for a while to reminisce about the time I spent with her and read old blog posts from the first year of our relationship. It was a bittersweet trip back through better times, how my life had seemed so perfect with her in it. I don’t spend time thinking about her like that very often, or really ever, at least not anymore. So I can’t help but look at the impossible coincidence behind me and wonder if there couldn’t be more to it.
There’s certainly a lot more to be said, but not here. I just feel… completely off right now. As far removed from my current life as she was, she is still a part of my story, and had influenced the person that I am today in more ways than I could ever hope to list. Regardless of everything, I loved her with all my being, and she will always have a place in my heart.