But this time I won’t be alone in my rantings! As you may have guessed by that portrait to the right there, I’ll be joined in my culinary adventure by ShadowMan of MegaMan 3 fame. You know, since he’s not up to much these days. I mean, the last work he had was in Rockman Battle & Chase, and that was almost a whole decade ago. Now he’s reduced to co-starring in crappy articles on websites that nobody reads. Poor, poor ShadowMan.
Ryan : Okay, so I’ve got the plan set out here ShadowMan. I’ve woken up early, and I need something to do with my morning. I’ve chosen to try my hand at making pancakes.
ShadowMan : Pancakes? Well I suppose that since it is 7:30 in the morning, that’s appropriate enough. But what in the world makes you think you have the skills necessary to make pancakes?
Ryan : Believe it or not, my pixelated friend, I have successfully created pancakes in the past.
ShadowMan : I choose not to believe that.
Ryan : Fine then. But it’s true. At least one of my brothers can attest to this. He was there and he ate some. Sure, they turned out looking like crap because I did a very poor flipping job, but they tasted okay. Except for they tasted like crap because I decided it would be a good idea to use both chocolate and butterscotch chips.
ShadowMan : Butterscotch? What the flip were you thinking?
Ryan : Probably something along the lines of “Hey! This might be a good idea!”
ShadowMan : You fail to surprise me.
Ryan : I wasn’t trying, my friend. I wasn’t trying. So anyway, let’s move on to the pancakes.
ShadowMan : I’m not your friend.
Ryan : The first logical step would be to round up the tools I’m gonna need. Based on my limited knowledge of cooking and what I remember of the last time I made pancakes, I’m going to need a pan, a mixer, a small bowl, a large bowl, a spatula, measuring cups, and a mixing spoon.
ShadowMan : Dude… What’s with all the colour swapping? It’s giving me a damn seizure.
Ryan : Key items. When someone mentions a key item, place, or person, the word is always highlighted in a different colour.
ShadowMan : Yeah, whatever. Stop being a douche and type in one colour. I’m sure anyone else who reads this is going to get mighty annoyed by it as well.
Ryan : Well sorry. I didn’t know it bothered you so much. But while you were so busy complaining about text colour, I managed to find all the tools we need, except a pan and a spatula. The only suitable ones are in the dishwasher right now.
ShadowMan : Well what about that pan pictured above?
Ryan : It’s too round. I can’t very well cook round pancakes can I?
ShadowMan : Just use the damn thing. You can make smaller pancakes in the middle if you’re so damn worried about the roundness of it all. Besides, I already greased it up, so you have to use it or you’re wasting a dish.
Ryan : But I didn’t get out the cooking spray… How did you grease it?
ShadowMan : I’m going to keep that information between me and the pan.
Ryan : And now, the secret to my success! The cookbook!
ShadowMan : Wow. Great secret. Totally blows my mind. But seriously, this thing looks like it’s older than you.
Ryan : Well I’m not even 20 yet. It very well could be.
ShadowMan : Well then don’t you think that maybe the pancake recipe has, you know, improved over the last couple decades? That handy internet thing is bound to have a recipe for pancakes somewhere.
Ryan : You know, now that I think of it, you’re actually younger than me. Let’s see.. MegaMan 3 came out in ’91, so you’re… 15?
ShadowMan : Hey! Don’t try to change the topic! And for the record, I’m from the future. 20XX to be precise.
Ryan : Oh psssh. You’re 15. Now how the Hell did you manage to get away with driving in Battle & Chase? There’s no way you were old enough to have a driver’s license back then.
ShadowMan : Robot Masters don’t need driver’s licenses. And you’re not really one to talk, now are you, Mr. Almost-20-And-Can’t-Drive?
Ryan : Aw shut up. Let’s just make the stupid pancakes.
ShadowMan : That’s the spirit. Or lack thereof, perhaps. What does your cookbook say we need?
Ryan : It says we need flour, baking powder, salt, sugar, milk, an egg, and butter.
ShadowMan : This will be easy. I’ll go grab the stuff in the pantry, you get the goods from the fridge.
ShadowMan : And just what do you think you’re gonna be doing with that?
Ryan : I just had the wildest idea. Let’s replace the milk with chocolate milk!
ShadowMan : No no no. Killing hookers is a wild idea. Using chocolate milk in baking is just stupid. Do you really think that’s a good idea?
Ryan : No. Not at all. Experience has taught me on many occasions that substituting chocolate milk for real milk is a terrible idea. But let’s do it anyway!
ShadowMan : *Sigh* Fine. Whatever. I won’t be eating these things anyway, so put whatever you damn well please in there.
Ryan : Horray! Okay, so first we’ve gotta put the flour, salt, sugar, and baking powder into the big bowl. That’s done, so then we have to put the egg, milk, and butter into a smaller bowl and mix it up.
ShadowMan : Nothing about that looks right.
Ryan : Hey, at least I didn’t get any eggshell in it.
ShadowMan : I guess I owe you a little credit for that one. I certainly expected most of it to end up in there. But… weren’t you supposed to melt the butter first?
Ryan : Aw shat. No problem, I’ll just pop it in the microwave for a minute.
ShadowMan : I have a bad feeling about this.
Ryan : It’ll be just fine. You’ll see. So while we’re waiting, what’s it like not having any female Robot Masters around. It’s gotta get a little frustrating, if you know what I mean.
ShadowMan : No, not really. We weren’t programmed with a sex drive. And besides, there’s always Roll.
Ryan : Yeah, that’s true. But there are also 54 Wily-series Robot Masters. Roll’s gotta be a little… worn out by now.
ShadowMan : I wouldn’t know, and I don’t really want to. But word on the street is that RingMan and HardMan… you know, bat for the other team. So it’s not like we don’t have options.
Ryan : That’s none of my business.
ShadowMan : I was kidding man. Lighten up.
Microwave : Ding!
Ryan : See, it worked. Now all I have to do is mix this crap up with the mixer. I love this part. My mom never lets me play with this thing, so now that everyone’s gone out for the day and I have the kitchen to myself, it’s mixer time!
ShadowMan : There’s an odd sensation going down my spine. Is this what fear feels like?
Ryan : Oh pah. I know how to use this thing. See, look! It’s all mixed up and nobody lost any appendages.
ShadowMan : So then pour it into the powdery junk.
Ryan : Hold on, they’re about to reveal the secret ingredient!
ShadowMan : Secret wha…? Oh Jesus no.
Ryan : Oh Jesus yes! I got the idea when I read in the cookbook that you can add blueberries to the pancakes. But we don’t have blueberries, so this Nesquik Strawberry-Banana Smoothie mix should do the trick!
ShadowMan : It won’t do any tricks! Stop this insanity! The chocolate milk was bad enough but this is waaaaay over the line!
Ryan : But you told me to put whatever I wanted in it…
ShadowMan : Ughh… Well, I suppose that people do put bananas and strawberries in pancakes, so I guess adding in a syrupy crap that tastes vaguely like both won’t necessarily be horrible. But you know what, I kind of hope it does. You clearly need to learn some sort of lesson here, and if having to choke down the Worst Pancakes Ever will get that lesson across, then so be it.
Ryan : What were you saying? I stopped listening at… Well, when you started talking.
ShadowMan : I hate you.
Ryan : Aww, you’re my best friend too.
ShadowMan : Just put your death goop in the big bowl with the rest of the stuff already.
Ryan : It looks like syphilis.
ShadowMan : Is that an educated comparison?
Ryan : I blame the internet.
ShadowMan : Please just mix it. I think it gave me a dirty look.
Ryan : Okay. I’ll do that.
ShadowMan : Oh dear lord, It’s just getting worse.
Ryan : Actually, I think it smells rather pleasant. Like cookies!
ShadowMan : Stop touting your olfactory organ, meatbag. Just because I can’t smell doesn’t mean you’re better than me. I know 27 ways to kill you with my little finger!!
Ryan : Meatbag?
ShadowMan : Yeah. Meatbag.
Ryan : I thought you hated Futurama for its “racist representation of robots.”
ShadowMan : Bender isn’t the only robot who refers to humans as meatbags, you know. Didn’t you ever play KOTOR?
Ryan : Now now, nobody wants to talk about the XBox. I’m done mixing anyway.
ShadowMan : …It’s on PC too… Oh cripes! That stuff is way too thick! There’s no way in Hell that’s going to turn into pancakes.
Ryan : Well then what do I do?
ShadowMan : Okay, I’m clearly modeled to be a ninja, not a chef. How in the crap am I going to know what to do?
Ryan : Oh hey, what if I put more chocolate milk in there? That might even it out.
ShadowMan : That actually sounds rather reasonable. I suppose the only way to find out is to try it, but if it doesn’t work, I think these pancakes are going to be a big, messy write-off.
Ryan : Yaaaah! Go, chocolate milk! Fix this horrid batter!
ShadowMan : Did you really need to make it 25 seconds long? I mean, I think you’d driven the point home by five.
Ryan : Hey, it’s my first YouTube thingy. It needs to be grand! Also I forgot which button on my camera stops video recording. But hey, at least the batter turned out alright.
ShadowMan : Yes, it does look shockingly like pancake batter. Though it’s a little darker than usual. But of course we’ve got the chocolate milk to blame for that.
Ryan : Okay, so now that the batter is all ready, we just need to shape it into pancakes! But we’re going to need a spatula before I start slopping this junk into the pan.
ShadowMan : Whee! Jumping across perilous ledges is really fun! I’m starting to understand why that retard MegaMan is doing it all the time!
Ryan : Quit fooling around. The spatula is clearly not there. I already told you it’s in the dishwasher.
ShadowMan : So just use one of these things.
Ryan : I’m pretty sure none of those could act as a spatula. Not in the slightest.
ShadowMan : Pish posh, this fellow here could get the job done! He’s hard worker, and since he comes from Mexico, he’ll work for pennies a day! He doesn’t even fight back when I pelt him with shuriken!
Ryan : Ah. A shot at the Mexicans. Just what this article needed.
ShadowMan : Exactly. So how about it? Give it a try?
Ryan : No, I think I’ll just go with a fork. I may have to pay him the minimum wage, but at least he doesn’t stink the place up.
ShadowMan : You know, I think we’d better stop before this goes into “racist” territory.
Ryan : I think it’s too late. In fact, I’m pretty sure some left-wing jerkoff out there thinks you’re some sort of racist stereotype.
ShadowMan : No, you’ve got me confused with TomahawkMan. Also, I wasn’t created by Sony.
Ryan : Ooh. Low blow. Is there anyone else we need to take a shot at?
ShadowMan : No, I’m pretty sure by this point, we’ve made at least one comment to piss everyone off.
Ryan : Good good. So these things are turning out pretty well, no?
ShadowMan : How the Hell should I know? You haven’t been taking any pictures.
Ryan : Oops. Well, yeah, they are doing pretty well. My flipping skill has certainly increased, as I haven’t messed a single one up yet. Though that damned pan sticks up too much and I keep burning myself on it.
ShadowMan : So then put on some oven mitts, you little baby.
Ryan : That’s some pretty tough talk coming from the guy who’s weakness is the goddamned Top Spin.
ShadowMan : Hey! Hey! That’s not my fault! I was born that way!
Ryan : Yeah, whatever, ya big wuss.
Ryan : Dude…
ShadowMan : What?
Ryan : The cookbook said that the recipe would make 8-9 pancakes. I got friggin’ 12.
ShadowMan : Well, you did make a few pretty small. That might have something to do with it. Or also the fact that when you probably should’ve added another half-cup of chocolate milk to even out the batter, you threw in like a cup and a half.
Ryan : Are you blaming me?
ShadowMan : Yes.
Ryan : Well, you’re probably right. But seeing as how there are so many here, I think you’re gonna have to help me eat these things.
ShadowMan : Oh no you don’t! My contract states that I only have to be here to provide colour commentary and appear in a few pictures. It says nowhere that I actually have to ingest this crap.
Ryan : Well they still smell alright. I don’t think they’re going to be too bad.
ShadowMan : Shampoo smells pretty good too, but do you eat that?
Ryan : That’s completely different!
ShadowMan : Is it really?
ShadowMan : To your credit, I will admit that they are rather nice and fluffy. I could sleep on these things.
Ryan : I think you’d be surprised at how good they taste. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I think you’d be surprised at how awful they aren’t.
ShadowMan : Your point does not make up for horrid grammar. It burns me to the soul. But they’re actually good?
Ryan : I rephrased for a reason. They don’t taste good, but they certainly aren’t putrid. I would willingly put more of these in my mouth.
ShadowMan : Um. You’re not really getting the idea across. You’re going to need to be more specific.
Ryan : Okay, fine. They taste… like pancakes. Not very good pancakes, but pancakes no less. You can just barely make out the strawberry-banana flavour, despite the fact that they’re radiant pink.
ShadowMan : Despite the fact that you can’t tell how pink they are in the photos.
Ryan : Correct. The chocolate milk seems to have had no effect on them whatsoever, possibly made them a little darker. They’re chewier than regular pancakes, but not by much. It’s almost as if you’re eating McDonald’s hotcakes without taking them out of the styrofoam container. Except it doesn’t taste like styrofoam.
ShadowMan : Well damn it. I guess I owe TenguMan a 20-spot.
Ryan : What? Why?
ShadowMan : I bet him that your pancakes would turn out worse than Jessica Simpson’s marriage.
Ryan : Ouch. And what’s worse is TenguMan’s a total jackass, so you know he’s gonna be rubbing it in your face as much as he can.
ShadowMan : You don’t have to tell me.
ShadowMan : Giving up already?
Ryan : Ugh… They’re more filling than they appear. I got six down though. That’s not so bad.
ShadowMan : Only six? That’s pathetic! Why don’t you just go down to the repossession office and hand in your balls? And then you can go home and cry to your boyfriend.
Ryan : Shut up.
ShadowMan : Ha. Do you see that, do you see what I did there? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual… That’s funny to me.
Ryan : Who’s the one that was talking about having his options open to plow HardMan?
ShadowMan : Touché.
I pretty much expected those pancakes to kill me, however slowly. But they turned out pretty damn well, all things considered. I’d normally fake disgust for comedic effect, but I don’t really feel like it. I already had to write a whole dialogue, that should be enough. What more do you want from me? Besides, I’m sure someone out there would stumble in here and be stupid enough to actually try it, and then call me out for outright lying about how they ended up. Wow. How badly do I need to chill out?
Remember the good old days when I used to separate my intros and conclusions from the body text? Yeah, those were the days. I’ll admit, I kind of like the new fancy-banner all-in-one article layout, but nostalgia is something I just can’t escape. And it gets worse and worse every day… Well, I shouldn’t be rambling so much here. That’s what the blog is for! Good night, folks!