Category: Foodstuffs

These chips are no good

I’m serious, yo. Don’t buy them. I know that steak is delicious and that chips are a great snack, but the two don’t play nice together. I bought them because I love steak and also chips, and I regretted my choice immediately after opening the bag.

Don’t get me wrong, they most definitely taste as advertised. Only it’s not good. I’m shocked that Ruffles was able to infuse potato chips with the flavour of meat, but it’s a bad kind of meat flavour. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s gross. So gross. And they smell even worse.

So, I think I’ve reiterated my point enough times now. There really isn’t much more to say.

Beans

beans

I think that this picture of a tub of jelly beans next to a cup of edamame is a perfect representation of my eating habits on the whole. Maybe even of my entire lifestyle.

I’ll let you figure out exactly what that means on your own. Consider it a thought exercise.

Oh No(MoWo)

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been listening to No More Whoppers a lot over the last couple of months, and it’s had a very profound effect on me.

See, despite the fact that it’s called No More Whoppers, ever since I’ve been listening to it, I have had an insatiable craving for Whoppers. It’s not like the BK News segment even shows up very often past the first dozen episodes. I just can’t shake the need for a Whopper these days.

I have only submitted to my craving once in this time, and it was because I was having a particularly bad day and I needed to eat my feelings. I don’t know if I can stay strong for much longer though.

That’s all. Just a weird little story today. Happy Sunday.

Filler time: Articles for grown-ups

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me: I’m a child living an adult’s life. I appreciate a lot of things that people my age aren’t supposed to, if advertising and demographics have anything to say about it. Marketing is all a big load of crap, anyway.

I guess the point is that I don’t have any ideas in my head at the moment, and I don’t have the gumption to type up the weekly Dark Souls entry. Wait, no, that’s what I wasn’t supposed to say. I’m supposed to make it seem like I’m doing something inspired.

Anyway, I type about a lot of goofy things that are emblematic of childhood. Cartoons, Nintendo games, candy. If you scroll up from the bottom of the article list, you’ll see that it takes a long time to get to anything very grown-uppy. Or at least, that’s my interpretation of it. So that’s why today, I’m going to link you to a small selection of old articles that stand out as somewhat more mature among the sea of childish crap that I’ve written.

28 Days Later (2003) – The first movie I ever reviewed, and it’s a scaaary one. Probably because it’s one of the first (if not the actual first) movies with fast zombies. So it turns a kind of slow, tense staple into something much more fierce and immediately frightening. Please note that I have not watched this movie since then.

Catherine (2011) – Undoubtedly a truly mature game, as it deals with many very grown-up themes. Also there are boobies and monsters, but the heart of the game is literally about growing up, accepting responsibility, and figuring out what you want to do with your life.

Chicken Wings (2005) – Chicken wings are undoubtedly a fun finger food, which is pretty child-like, However, wings are most prominent where? Bars, that’s where. Kids don’t go to bars. They’re also one of the staple foods of sports-watching, or so I’ve been told, and sports-watching is a pretty grown-up kind of thing.

Mate1.com Hates You (2006) – To date, still the most popular thing I’ve ever published, if fan e-mails are anything to go by. Mate1.com, if you’re not already aware, is an online dating website. Those are most definitely not for children. It’s not really for anybody, as far as this article is concerned.

Remembering the Cottage (2007) – Yeah, it’s an article entirely about childhood memories, but that in and of itself makes it kinda grown-up, right? I mean, kids don’t reminisce. You have to be old and at least a little world-weary before you really understand nostalgia. Some might say that I’m not old enough to say something like that, but I respectfully have no comment.

True Crime: Streets of LA (2003) – The first video game that I wrote about that earned an M rating from the ESRB. I guess that’s all I really have to say about that. I haven’t written about a lot of games that feature non-laser guns.

Cadbury Creme Egg Biscuits

The Easter season is long since over, but I still have some things to say about it!

I still have one thing to say about it.

It’s not even really about Easter, per se, but more about a thing that only showed up when Easter rolled around. And that thing is Cadbury Creme Eggs… biscuits.

ccebisc01

Yes, that’s right. Cadbury went ahead and crammed down the essence of their Number One Treat into little cookie shapes. This might seem like a step in the wrong direction, as half the fun of Creme Eggs are biting into the chocolate shell and then letting the goopy insides ooze out. But let’s not jump to conclusions, shall we?

It says that these kajiggers are new on the package, and I’ve certainly never seen them before. I’m going to take it ad face value and assume that 2014 is the first year that these have existed. I’m so lazy confident that I’m not even going to do a Google search to verify it.

ccebisc02

The package is very similar in size to that of standard Reese Peanut Butter Cups, so I figured that there would be three biscuits held within. Turns out that there were actually six! The little guys are much thinner than you might expect, so there’s more of ’em crammed in there. Otherwise, they cut a pretty standard figure. If I had to compare them to anything, I’d say that they look like a squashed Viva Puff.

ccebisc03

Lo and behold, they are even more Viva Puff-esque on the inside! Yes, that’s right, there’s a cookie base in here. At first it seems like a blasphemous addition to the tried-and-true Creme Egg formula, but let me tell you a thing: …we need to set the scene here before I tell you.

Picture me. Sitting at a desk, talking across to you. I’m wearing a dress shirt that visibly has not been ironed in weeks, but isn’t too wrinkly because I hang it up as soon as the dryer cycle finishes. I have a stern look on my face. It contrasts significantly with my normally jovial demeanor; you know that whatever I’m about to say is very serious. I breathe in deeply. I look you square in the eye and your heart begins to beat a little faster. I pound my fist on the table to emphasize my point as I declare:

“These biscuits are Goddamned Delicious!”

Tacoception

Hi, may name is Ryan. I’m an addict. I can’t stop eating Doritos Locos Tacos chips.

locostacos

They’re just exactly what I want in a Dorito, and it’s killing me that they’re only a limited time thing. In fact, I was looking for some just last weekend and I couldn’t find ’em. I’d be more worried that they’re already gone, but I freely admit that I didn’t look very thoroughly.

The real kicker here is that I’ve never had the actual Doritos Locos Taco. I’m sure I’d like it, but Taco Bell is just so far away. And also that would mean that I’d have to eat at Taco Bell. I don’t generally have an issue with fast food, but even I find Taco Bell a little off-putting.

These chips, on the other hand, I feel pretty safe about eating. Also I get to explain to anyone who hasn’t seen them before that it’s a chip that’s based on a taco that’s based on a chip. Hence, tacoception.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go out and find me some more of these babies. And if they’re already gone? The razor and I have a date in the bathtub.

The Easter Candy Parade 2014

Let’s not shilly-shally around today. I like doing three-paragraph intros to my articles, but this one is the shallowest, most originality-free thing I’ve written in forever, so it doesn’t deserve an intro like that. Today, we’re talking about Easter.

Specifically, the absolute truckload of Easter-type goodies that my parents and in-laws gave us. Being creaky, old, mortgage-paying adults, we’re not really the kind of people you’d think would get so many Easter goodies, but our parents spoil the crap out of us and I’m thankful for that every day. Hooray!

You know, now that I think of it, I’m pretty sure that the last two Easters, when I’ve been moved out of my parents’ house, have been the most lucrative Easters since I turned 18. I can’t recall the Easters between then and marriage at all, so they must have been pretty tame.

See? Two bags full of chocolate and candy. We (and by “we” I mean “I” because I’m a big fatty) don’t need this many sweets at all, but we certainly won’t turn away a bunch of free candy. That would be stupid. If properly rationed, this could last us halfway through summer. It likely won’t, but it could.

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