Talking Nuts

In my never-ending quest to be less of a gross tub of a man, I’ve mostly stopped buying snack foods. And when I do, it’s usually just like nuts or fruit or whatever. I was never super into nuts, but I’m coming around on some different kinds. So today, a series of short blurbs on how I feel about the more popular varieties of nuts, in no particular order.

Pistachios : Honestly never tried them until recently. I’d eaten pistachio ice cream and didn’t dig it, so stayed away from the nuts. But I gave them a shot and I actually quite like them! Now I eat some of these nearly every weekday, as I keep a bag on my desk at work for afternoon snacking.

Cashews : The candy of the nut world. Far and away my favourite nut, but also way too fatty and also expensive. I’m already buying those pistachios, a second bag of expensive nuts is just not in the budget. Who do you think I am, some sort of rich person?

Almonds : Hrrmmmm…. No, I don’t especially like almonds, but I’ll put up with them. Like, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten an almond all on its own, but they’re in and on so many other things. Like Toblerone. I eat the s**t out of Toblerones. Well, I always get a massive Toblerone for Christmas, and that’s really the only time I eat Toblerone, but MAN do I ever enjoy it.

Peanuts : Peanuts are not a nut, they’re a legume. I learned this and many other great science facts from Danny Sexbang’s romance novel, Claudia Goes to Schlongtown – Part 6: The Erectening. But if I am eating peanuts, I prefer they be mashed into a paste and spread on toast.

Walnuts : These are my go-to snack at home. There’s always a bag on my dining table. I really should put it away in the cupboard. I’m not a big fan of walnuts, though. They’re a little too bitter for my tastes, but I’m becoming accustomed to them, as I continue to force them down my gullet.

Hazelnuts : Hazelnuts are the worst. I cannot understand why functional human beings put these awful things in so many other, better, food things. Disgusting trash. Nutella should be a crime.

Macadamias : It’s entirely possible that I’ve never eaten a macadamia nut. Do they sell them? Are you supposed to eat them au natural? I always ignore the macadamia nut cookies at Subway because why wouldn’t you choose literally any other cookie there? M&M’s, man!

And that’s the end of that, because that’s all the different kinds of nuts I know!


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