A little over a year ago, I purchased a game for my Nintendo DS called Meteos. It was a pretty simple-looking puzzle game that was getting very respectable press. Since I adore puzzle games, I was going to get it even before I heard how good it was. So I bought it. And by God, was I impressed.
I started playing Meteos again about a week ago, and it’s easily just as addictive and fun as it was a year ago. Of all the DS games I own, I think I’ll be coming back to this one the most over time. There’s nothing not to love about Meteos. It’s frantic, it’s engaging, and there’s a good level of strategy associated with it. You can pick up, learn, and have fun with Meteos just as easily as you can Tetris, but just like Tetris, you’ll have to pick up on a few tricks and techniques before you can earn mind-boggling scores. A year later, my skills haven’t slipped at all, and I’ve even finally been able to reach the elusive “The Ascent” ending.
One coolest things about Meteos is the music. It’s not like other games in that there’s just BGM playing while you do your thing. No. You essentially create the music as you go, with each successful Meteo match-up inciting a little tune, and different tunes being playe for bigger matches, higher combos, etc. I know the Wind Waker was a little bit like that in the way that attacking enemies would produce short melodies, but no other games that I’ve played really even attempt such a neat feature. The other thing I really love is that once you get into Meteos, Meteos gets into you. I know that on days that I’ve spent playing the game, that when I close my eyes at night, I see Meteos falling and then my mind just starts to play its own game. And not by choice either. It just happens, and I love it.
So why do I bring it up? Because I don’t think I’ve ever talked about Meteos before. That, and I really wish they would re-release it with WiFi capabilities. Just like nearly every muliplayer game, it’s so much more fun to play against other people. I’ve been trying to get my brother to buy it ever since I got it, but no such luck. Sure, there’s a single-card option, but we don’t play often enough for him to get good by that alone. I think my only real chance of getting some really good multiplayer Meteos going on is later this year, when Buena Vista Games releases Meteos: Disney Edition (which will hopefully include a WiFi option). I mean, I’m sure everyone that bought Meteos would adore WiFi play, and since they won’t be re-releasing the original, that’s probably the best we can hope for. The only downside to Wifi Meteos would be that my productivity would go from six to zero.
Once again, I’ve been up to some cooking mischief. And this time when I say mischief, I really mean mischief. Normally when I go to make something I stick pretty close to the recipe, as most novice chefs do. I mean, there’s no way I anywhere near qualified to add my own little “touches” to any dish, especially when I’m actually making something (as opposed to preparing a pre-made meal). But rules are mean to be broken and all that jazz. So I took it upon myself (with some slight inspiration from Scary-Crayon and I-Mockery) to create a dish best served… well, probably best not served at all.
But this time I won’t be alone in my rantings! As you may have guessed by that portrait to the right there, I’ll be joined in my culinary adventure by ShadowMan of MegaMan 3 fame. You know, since he’s not up to much these days. I mean, the last work he had was in Rockman Battle & Chase, and that was almost a whole decade ago. Now he’s reduced to co-starring in crappy articles on websites that nobody reads. Poor, poor ShadowMan.
Ryan : Okay, so I’ve got the plan set out here ShadowMan. I’ve woken up early, and I need something to do with my morning. I’ve chosen to try my hand at making pancakes.
ShadowMan : Pancakes? Well I suppose that since it is 7:30 in the morning, that’s appropriate enough. But what in the world makes you think you have the skills necessary to make pancakes?
Ryan : Believe it or not, my pixelated friend, I have successfully created pancakes in the past.
ShadowMan : I choose not to believe that.
Ryan : Fine then. But it’s true. At least one of my brothers can attest to this. He was there and he ate some. Sure, they turned out looking like crap because I did a very poor flipping job, but they tasted okay. Except for they tasted like crap because I decided it would be a good idea to use both chocolate and butterscotch chips.
ShadowMan : Butterscotch? What the flip were you thinking?
Ryan : Probably something along the lines of “Hey! This might be a good idea!”
ShadowMan : You fail to surprise me.
Ryan : I wasn’t trying, my friend. I wasn’t trying. So anyway, let’s move on to the pancakes.
ShadowMan : I’m not your friend.
Ryan : The first logical step would be to round up the tools I’m gonna need. Based on my limited knowledge of cooking and what I remember of the last time I made pancakes, I’m going to need a pan, a mixer, a small bowl, a large bowl, a spatula, measuring cups, and a mixing spoon.
ShadowMan : Dude… What’s with all the colour swapping? It’s giving me a damn seizure.
Ryan : Key items. When someone mentions a key item, place, or person, the word is always highlighted in a different colour.
ShadowMan : Yeah, whatever. Stop being a douche and type in one colour. I’m sure anyone else who reads this is going to get mighty annoyed by it as well.
Ryan : Well sorry. I didn’t know it bothered you so much. But while you were so busy complaining about text colour, I managed to find all the tools we need, except a pan and a spatula. The only suitable ones are in the dishwasher right now.
ShadowMan : Well what about that pan pictured above?
Ryan : It’s too round. I can’t very well cook round pancakes can I?
ShadowMan : Just use the damn thing. You can make smaller pancakes in the middle if you’re so damn worried about the roundness of it all. Besides, I already greased it up, so you have to use it or you’re wasting a dish.
Ryan : But I didn’t get out the cooking spray… How did you grease it?
ShadowMan : I’m going to keep that information between me and the pan.
Ryan : And now, the secret to my success! The cookbook!
ShadowMan : Wow. Great secret. Totally blows my mind. But seriously, this thing looks like it’s older than you.
Ryan : Well I’m not even 20 yet. It very well could be.
ShadowMan : Well then don’t you think that maybe the pancake recipe has, you know, improved over the last couple decades? That handy internet thing is bound to have a recipe for pancakes somewhere.
Ryan : You know, now that I think of it, you’re actually younger than me. Let’s see.. MegaMan 3 came out in ’91, so you’re… 15?
ShadowMan : Hey! Don’t try to change the topic! And for the record, I’m from the future. 20XX to be precise.
Ryan : Oh psssh. You’re 15. Now how the Hell did you manage to get away with driving in Battle & Chase? There’s no way you were old enough to have a driver’s license back then.
ShadowMan : Robot Masters don’t need driver’s licenses. And you’re not really one to talk, now are you, Mr. Almost-20-And-Can’t-Drive?
Ryan : Aw shut up. Let’s just make the stupid pancakes.
ShadowMan : That’s the spirit. Or lack thereof, perhaps. What does your cookbook say we need?
Ryan : It says we need flour, baking powder, salt, sugar, milk, an egg, and butter.
ShadowMan : This will be easy. I’ll go grab the stuff in the pantry, you get the goods from the fridge.
ShadowMan : And just what do you think you’re gonna be doing with that?
Ryan : I just had the wildest idea. Let’s replace the milk with chocolate milk!
ShadowMan : No no no. Killing hookers is a wild idea. Using chocolate milk in baking is just stupid. Do you really think that’s a good idea?
Ryan : No. Not at all. Experience has taught me on many occasions that substituting chocolate milk for real milk is a terrible idea. But let’s do it anyway!
ShadowMan : *Sigh* Fine. Whatever. I won’t be eating these things anyway, so put whatever you damn well please in there.
Ryan : Horray! Okay, so first we’ve gotta put the flour, salt, sugar, and baking powder into the big bowl. That’s done, so then we have to put the egg, milk, and butter into a smaller bowl and mix it up.
ShadowMan : Nothing about that looks right.
Ryan : Hey, at least I didn’t get any eggshell in it.
ShadowMan : I guess I owe you a little credit for that one. I certainly expected most of it to end up in there. But… weren’t you supposed to melt the butter first?
Ryan : Aw shat. No problem, I’ll just pop it in the microwave for a minute.
ShadowMan : I have a bad feeling about this.
Ryan : It’ll be just fine. You’ll see. So while we’re waiting, what’s it like not having any female Robot Masters around. It’s gotta get a little frustrating, if you know what I mean.
ShadowMan : No, not really. We weren’t programmed with a sex drive. And besides, there’s always Roll.
Ryan : Yeah, that’s true. But there are also 54 Wily-series Robot Masters. Roll’s gotta be a little… worn out by now.
ShadowMan : I wouldn’t know, and I don’t really want to. But word on the street is that RingMan and HardMan… you know, bat for the other team. So it’s not like we don’t have options.
Ryan : That’s none of my business.
ShadowMan : I was kidding man. Lighten up.
Microwave :Ding!
Ryan : See, it worked. Now all I have to do is mix this crap up with the mixer. I love this part. My mom never lets me play with this thing, so now that everyone’s gone out for the day and I have the kitchen to myself, it’s mixer time!
ShadowMan : There’s an odd sensation going down my spine. Is this what fear feels like?
Ryan : Oh pah. I know how to use this thing. See, look! It’s all mixed up and nobody lost any appendages.
ShadowMan : So then pour it into the powdery junk.
Ryan : Hold on, they’re about to reveal the secret ingredient!
ShadowMan : Secret wha…? Oh Jesus no.
Ryan : Oh Jesus yes! I got the idea when I read in the cookbook that you can add blueberries to the pancakes. But we don’t have blueberries, so this Nesquik Strawberry-Banana Smoothie mix should do the trick!
ShadowMan : It won’t do any tricks! Stop this insanity! The chocolate milk was bad enough but this is waaaaay over the line!
Ryan : But you told me to put whatever I wanted in it…
ShadowMan : Ughh… Well, I suppose that people do put bananas and strawberries in pancakes, so I guess adding in a syrupy crap that tastes vaguely like both won’t necessarily be horrible. But you know what, I kind of hope it does. You clearly need to learn some sort of lesson here, and if having to choke down the Worst Pancakes Ever will get that lesson across, then so be it.
Ryan : What were you saying? I stopped listening at… Well, when you started talking.
ShadowMan : I hate you.
Ryan : Aww, you’re my best friend too.
ShadowMan : Just put your death goop in the big bowl with the rest of the stuff already.
Ryan : It looks like syphilis.
ShadowMan : Is that an educated comparison?
Ryan : I blame the internet.
ShadowMan : Please just mix it. I think it gave me a dirty look.
Ryan : Okay. I’ll do that.
ShadowMan : Oh dear lord, It’s just getting worse.
Ryan : Actually, I think it smells rather pleasant. Like cookies!
ShadowMan : Stop touting your olfactory organ, meatbag. Just because I can’t smell doesn’t mean you’re better than me. I know 27 ways to kill you with my little finger!!
Ryan : Meatbag?
ShadowMan : Yeah. Meatbag.
Ryan : I thought you hated Futurama for its “racist representation of robots.”
ShadowMan : Bender isn’t the only robot who refers to humans as meatbags, you know. Didn’t you ever play KOTOR?
Ryan : Now now, nobody wants to talk about the XBox. I’m done mixing anyway.
ShadowMan : …It’s on PC too… Oh cripes! That stuff is way too thick! There’s no way in Hell that’s going to turn into pancakes.
Ryan : Well then what do I do?
ShadowMan : Okay, I’m clearly modeled to be a ninja, not a chef. How in the crap am I going to know what to do?
Ryan : Oh hey, what if I put more chocolate milk in there? That might even it out.
ShadowMan : That actually sounds rather reasonable. I suppose the only way to find out is to try it, but if it doesn’t work, I think these pancakes are going to be a big, messy write-off.
Ryan : Yaaaah! Go, chocolate milk! Fix this horrid batter!
ShadowMan : Did you really need to make it 25 seconds long? I mean, I think you’d driven the point home by five.
Ryan : Hey, it’s my first YouTube thingy. It needs to be grand! Also I forgot which button on my camera stops video recording. But hey, at least the batter turned out alright.
ShadowMan : Yes, it does look shockingly like pancake batter. Though it’s a little darker than usual. But of course we’ve got the chocolate milk to blame for that.
Ryan : Okay, so now that the batter is all ready, we just need to shape it into pancakes! But we’re going to need a spatula before I start slopping this junk into the pan.
ShadowMan : Whee! Jumping across perilous ledges is really fun! I’m starting to understand why that retard MegaMan is doing it all the time!
Ryan : Quit fooling around. The spatula is clearly not there. I already told you it’s in the dishwasher.
ShadowMan : So just use one of these things.
Ryan : I’m pretty sure none of those could act as a spatula. Not in the slightest.
ShadowMan : Pish posh, this fellow here could get the job done! He’s hard worker, and since he comes from Mexico, he’ll work for pennies a day! He doesn’t even fight back when I pelt him with shuriken!
Ryan : Ah. A shot at the Mexicans. Just what this article needed.
ShadowMan : Exactly. So how about it? Give it a try?
Ryan : No, I think I’ll just go with a fork. I may have to pay him the minimum wage, but at least he doesn’t stink the place up.
ShadowMan : You know, I think we’d better stop before this goes into “racist” territory.
Ryan : I think it’s too late. In fact, I’m pretty sure some left-wing jerkoff out there thinks you’re some sort of racist stereotype.
ShadowMan : No, you’ve got me confused with TomahawkMan. Also, I wasn’t created by Sony.
Ryan : Ooh. Low blow. Is there anyone else we need to take a shot at?
ShadowMan : No, I’m pretty sure by this point, we’ve made at least one comment to piss everyone off.
Ryan : Good good. So these things are turning out pretty well, no?
ShadowMan : How the Hell should I know? You haven’t been taking any pictures.
Ryan : Oops. Well, yeah, they are doing pretty well. My flipping skill has certainly increased, as I haven’t messed a single one up yet. Though that damned pan sticks up too much and I keep burning myself on it.
ShadowMan : So then put on some oven mitts, you little baby.
Ryan : That’s some pretty tough talk coming from the guy who’s weakness is the goddamned Top Spin.
ShadowMan : Hey! Hey! That’s not my fault! I was born that way!
Ryan : Yeah, whatever, ya big wuss.
Ryan : Dude…
ShadowMan : What?
Ryan : The cookbook said that the recipe would make 8-9 pancakes. I got friggin’ 12.
ShadowMan : Well, you did make a few pretty small. That might have something to do with it. Or also the fact that when you probably should’ve added another half-cup of chocolate milk to even out the batter, you threw in like a cup and a half.
Ryan : Are you blaming me?
ShadowMan : Yes.
Ryan : Well, you’re probably right. But seeing as how there are so many here, I think you’re gonna have to help me eat these things.
ShadowMan : Oh no you don’t! My contract states that I only have to be here to provide colour commentary and appear in a few pictures. It says nowhere that I actually have to ingest this crap.
Ryan : Well they still smell alright. I don’t think they’re going to be too bad.
ShadowMan : Shampoo smells pretty good too, but do you eat that?
Ryan : That’s completely different!
ShadowMan : Is it really?
ShadowMan : To your credit, I will admit that they are rather nice and fluffy. I could sleep on these things.
Ryan : I think you’d be surprised at how good they taste. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I think you’d be surprised at how awful they aren’t.
ShadowMan : Your point does not make up for horrid grammar. It burns me to the soul. But they’re actually good?
Ryan : I rephrased for a reason. They don’t taste good, but they certainly aren’t putrid. I would willingly put more of these in my mouth.
ShadowMan : Um. You’re not really getting the idea across. You’re going to need to be more specific.
Ryan : Okay, fine. They taste… like pancakes. Not very good pancakes, but pancakes no less. You can just barely make out the strawberry-banana flavour, despite the fact that they’re radiant pink.
ShadowMan : Despite the fact that you can’t tell how pink they are in the photos.
Ryan : Correct. The chocolate milk seems to have had no effect on them whatsoever, possibly made them a little darker. They’re chewier than regular pancakes, but not by much. It’s almost as if you’re eating McDonald’s hotcakes without taking them out of the styrofoam container. Except it doesn’t taste like styrofoam.
ShadowMan : Well damn it. I guess I owe TenguMan a 20-spot.
Ryan : What? Why?
ShadowMan : I bet him that your pancakes would turn out worse than Jessica Simpson’s marriage.
Ryan : Ouch. And what’s worse is TenguMan’s a total jackass, so you know he’s gonna be rubbing it in your face as much as he can.
ShadowMan : You don’t have to tell me.
ShadowMan : Giving up already?
Ryan : Ugh… They’re more filling than they appear. I got six down though. That’s not so bad.
ShadowMan : Only six? That’s pathetic! Why don’t you just go down to the repossession office and hand in your balls? And then you can go home and cry to your boyfriend.
Ryan : Shut up.
ShadowMan : Ha. Do you see that, do you see what I did there? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual… That’s funny to me.
Ryan : Who’s the one that was talking about having his options open to plow HardMan?
ShadowMan : Touché.
And that essentially concludes… that. I don’t know. Do I really need a conclusion? I thought that I summed it up pretty well. But then again, those shurikens would be slightly less necessary if there weren’t a conclusion to separate from the body text. Yeah.
I pretty much expected those pancakes to kill me, however slowly. But they turned out pretty damn well, all things considered. I’d normally fake disgust for comedic effect, but I don’t really feel like it. I already had to write a whole dialogue, that should be enough. What more do you want from me? Besides, I’m sure someone out there would stumble in here and be stupid enough to actually try it, and then call me out for outright lying about how they ended up. Wow. How badly do I need to chill out?
Remember the good old days when I used to separate my intros and conclusions from the body text? Yeah, those were the days. I’ll admit, I kind of like the new fancy-banner all-in-one article layout, but nostalgia is something I just can’t escape. And it gets worse and worse every day… Well, I shouldn’t be rambling so much here. That’s what the blog is for! Good night, folks!
First things first, I’ve gone around and fixed some archive pages that were missing, had bad links, that kind of thing. Mostly added some archive backlog. So that should be completely up-to-date now.
Also, I’ve taken the liberty of uploading this week’s article. It’s in the usual spot, so I don’t think I really need to link you to it. Again, I really like it. You may not feel the same way, and that’s too bad, really. I even enjoyed writing it and taking the pictures, and that’s a rare thing to happen. Well, enough of this crap, get to it!
I’m about halfway through this week’s article, and I’ve gotta say, I’m really having fun with it. This is the kind of article I started the site to write. I’m pretty sure that you’re gonna enjoy it to. Especially if you’re a fan of any of mybiggestinfluences. Here’s a snippet to keep you on the edge of your seat:
Ryan : It looks like syphilis.
ShadowMan : Is that an educated comparison?
Ryan : I blame the internet.
ShadowMan : Please just mix it. I think it gave me a dirty look.
In video game news, I’ve been enjoying two of my favourite games from the last generation, Super Mario 64 and MegaMan Legends. What this has to do with any thing, I can’t really tell you. What I do know is that I’m a little surprised at how much better those two games can hold my attention than most from the current generation. I even spent 6 straight hours playing Castlevania: Symphony of the Night some weekends ago, and I can rarely play a single game for two hours straight these days. I bought MGS3:Subsistence a few months ago, and I’m still not even halfway through it. Even the oh-so-lovable Katamari Damacy can only keep me occupied for about an hour at a time. Are games really getting less interesting? It can’t be me, because I can still sit down for hours with the classics and most handheld games. Who knows? Maybe it’s just a phase. I can very much see myself not leaving the house (my room?) for long periods of time once that Wii thing makes its way into my living space. End ramblings.
So I need you to go check something out. It’s called The Amazing Screw-On Head, and by gum, it’s damn near fantastic. No, wait. It is fantastic. Seriously. Go watch this “pilot” as it were, and I assure you won’t be disappointed. Once you’re done that, take the survey to tell them how much you liked it. I know this is a call to a relatively tiny audience, but damn it, every little push counts. Even if you don’t take the time to watch the show, fill out the survey and tell them you liked it. I want to see more of this. If they made more cartoons this good, maybe I’d use my TV for more than video games.
You’re not gonna like what I have to say, but I’ll say it anyway: I don’t really feel like writing an article this week. To make up for that, I have thrown together a new page for the CD collection (it’s been ages!) and we’ll call that this week’s article. If you don’t like it, tough. That’s the way she goes.
Also, I’ve neglected to do my obligatory BotM post all month, so I guess i’ll sum it up now, just so I can say I did it.
Loverboy. Classic Canadian act. Maybe not as classic as, oh, let’s say Rush, but pretty classic no less. I’ve never really been in tune with how much Canadian music those Mexico-touchers get, but I’m fairly sure that “Working For The Weekend” was big enough to get play down in them States. Either way, I still hear them a lot on the radio up here. Plenty of great songs by these guys (“Notorious” being my personal fav), and as always I give a hearty recommendation. Of course, commanding as much radio presence as they do, you’re probably already well-acquainted with a bunch of their music. If not, where the crap have you been? Radio can be pretty good, if you listen to the right stations. I guess there’s plenty left that can be said, but I’m really not up to it. Go poke aorund their website if you really care.
Okay. I’m a little hesitant to do this one right now because frankly, I think the surprise bags are losing their luster. I mean, realistically you can only review so many surprise bags before the formula wears thin and the readers see through your guise, work themselves into a rage and hunt you down, behead you and plant your head on a stake out in your front yard as a warning for anyone else trying to pull a similar scam.
But alas! We here at Torrential Equilibrium are devoted to upholding our code of laziness and half-hearted reviews. We also hate that fact that we are such poor typers and have to fix like every second word. It literally doubles article production time to stamp out all those lieks and smoethigns.
But alas again! I’ve gotten off track. Story time, young ones.
A long, long time ago – June 30th of 2006, to be precise – I was in the town of Lac Du Bonnet to attend one “Canada Day Parade and Festival.” The parade was lackluster, to say the least. The average age of the participating people was “deceased” and the various “Miss Whatever” girls were all fat. It wasn’t cool. The festival part was much better, with rides, food, and those horribly addictive carnival games that promise great prizes, but rarely leave you with anything more than an armful of shitty little stuffed animals.
It was only on the way out that I realized that my beloved The Bargain Shop had closed down. It was there that I had acquired many great things, such as Nintendo Surprises and the Dick Turtle surprise bags. I was shocked and hurt. My soul was crushed. I tuned around slowly and dramatically, as if out of a movie. Then I looked up and saw it. It was The Bargain Shop! Only it had been freed of its strip-mall confines and moved into its very own at-least-10x-as-big building! The Gods God was smiling on me that day, and I happily entered the haven that was the huge new The Bargain Shop.
Long story short, I figured I was going to find a new surprise bag of some sort. I bet you figured that too. And if you did, you’d be wrong. Wrong like a guy who thinks metal sucks. ‘Cause metal is awesome.
Yeah. Cone. The Bargain Shop has gotten serious about baiting me with unknown goodies, I think. I mean, not only does it totally blow away the surprise bag in terms of basic visual appeal, but it’s got a lot of other little bells and whistles going for it. For one, it’s gihumongenormous. Comparing it to something everyone can identify with, like a DVD case, might help to show just how big this monster is. I suppose a regular surprise bag would have been the best comparison, but I didn’t have one at the time of taking the pictures.
The other thing that really compelled me to pick up a surprise cone was the price. Five bucks for the thing. Five bucks. It sounds like a total rip-off, and most of me assumed it would be, but a small part of me was completely reassured that the high price tag meant either good stuff inside or at least a shit-ton of crappy stuff. I was clearly more than ready to take my chances. After all, I’ve won several trophies for unnecessary/compulsive spending.
So that’s that, and here we are. I cracked this baby open the day I got home, and the pictures have been sitting on my hard drive collecting cyberdust up until now. It just seemed like such a monumental task, and like I said earlier, me lazy. But now I’ve sat down and begun to write, so I might as well get it all done. Then again, even if I stopped here and came back to it three months later, you’d never know, now would you?
I’m not going to lie. That clown is pretty much freaking me out right now. That indecent look in his eye, the enthusiastic smile, the grabby grabby hands. We all know that this guy is the clown that children have nightmares about. I intended to go down the “this guy’s a pedophile fo shizzle” path, but I really think that those kind of things would best be left to your own sick imaginations. But seriously, I’m pretty sure he wants to kill me and wear my skin like one of those animal scarves you see on rich cartoon women all the time. And then he’d comically set up and play my bones like a xylophone because he saw it on Itchy and Scratchy that one time.
I just noticed that the cone seems to be mostly in French. I mean, yeah, “surprise cone” is English, but it’s only got “bonbon et jouets” all over it. nowhere do we see a satisfying English “candy and toys” exclamation. What if an Anglophone has never seen a surprise bag before and wonders just what the surprise is supposed to be? He’ll probably think there’s a hooker in there or something and the surprise is which STDs she has.
I guess the top that signifies whether its for boys or girls ages three to ten would be kind of a tip-off. Hookers totally aren’t for kids between three and ten. Kids that young just can’t appreciate the wonders that are paying for sex and the trip to the free clinic the next day.
The picture is unacceptably blurry, but you can make out a small football, a styrofoam airplane toy, various stickers and junk. And wonders of wonders! What is that which I spy with my little eye? Could it be… a coozy? I didn’t even notice that one there until I went to open the thing. For various reasons, having a coozy intended for a small child would be like a dream come true. Well, perhaps less magical than that, but it would still be neat. I still have yet to acquire a coozy of any description, and I was certainly hoping the surprise cone could remedy that problem.
Wow. Oh wow. Just… holy freakin’ God. The surprise cone’s gone chocolate starfish. That’s just not appropriate. It’s all a normal cone until you open it and then BAM rusty sheriff’s badge. Seriously. Does anybody see anything other than a paper stink star? Because all I see is a big mudcutter. It’s kinda funny how you see things that unintentionally look like button spiders all over the place. I mean, do you think someone really designed this so that when you open it, it resembles a whale’s eye? Probably not, but it’s both gross and funny at the same time. I’m sure someone has a website devoted to this kind of thing.
…Oh man, I just got the awesomest idea. Heh heh heh. Awesome. Damn, this article just keeps getting more and more inappropriate.
Quite a haul, I might say. Certainly more impressive-looking than the bits of candy and Happy Meal rejects you get in surprise bags. At least, this stuff looks alright at a glance. I’m sure that you’ll agree with me once you’re done that it’s mostly crap. Hell, just look a little closer and you’ll see that it’s mostly crap.
Well then. Caillou, you say? That’s, uh… Well, it’s kind of a toddler thing. I don’t think any self-respecting kid over four years old would really appreciate Caillou. By that time they’ve moved onto whatever shitty battling anime is popular at the time and/or SpongeBob. Seriously. Have you ever watched Caillou? I struggle to imagine that even newborns could find any enjoyment in the show. And they pretty much can’t even think. I suppose that if you’re gonna break balls, it is just a colouring book, and anyone can enjoy a colouring book regardless of associated franchise/theme.
You know what’s the worst part of it all? Now I’ve got a colouring book, but I haven’t got a crayon to colour in it with! Whatever shall I do?
I’ll be damned! It’s Barney, and he’s come to save me from my horrible crayon-free existence! He’s even going to throw a party while he’s at it! Though based on Barney’s audience, I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to keep a lookout for that clown from the cone. It’ll be heaven for that freak.
Seriously though, this is crap. Four crayons? What the snap am I going to be able to colour with four crayons? Unless they can change colour at a moment’s notice, I just don’t think they’re going to be cutting any kind of mustard. And of course it’s just the primary colours and green to boot. So if I were to colour Caillou, I’d have to make him either yellow or red, and that wouldn’t be ethnically correct. You can’t imagine the anger I felt when they made The Honeymooners black. Not that I’m racist, but you can’t arbitrarily change an established character’s race. Jackie Gleason was probably rolling over in his grave when they announced that. So the point I’m trying to make is that there’s no way in Hell that I’m going to be turning Caillou into a rice picker or a feather head.
I’ve always hated sour soothers. Not only do I disprove of anything more than noticeably sour, but the product name is a huge oxymoron. Maybe they were shooting for the irony angle, but nothing as sour as these bastards can possibly be soothing. It fills me with unbridled rage. So much so that I don’t even want to talk about them anymore.
On the upside, it’s a foam dart. On the downside, it doesn’t do its job too well. At least, I don’t think so.
The way I see this thing, you put the elastic band on your finger, pull the dart back, and then let ‘er fly. But it usually just crashes into my finger and then dangles there while onlookers laugh and point. But It could very well just be me. I have a bad track record of using hand-powered projectiles such as rubber bands, darts, and boomerangs. The foam dart is clearly no exception.
I’d like to take a little stop here to mention that we’re about halfway through the article. At least as far as pictures go. I don’t know what lies in store for us where a word count is concerned, but unless I think up another relevant story to tell, it’s probably going to wrap up quicker than it started. Of course, I could go all Something Awful and talk about things that are only vaguely related, but I don’t really have the imagination required for that kind of thing. I mean, I guess surprise bags are kind of like Final Fantasy games in that they’ve always got different stuff in them but in essence they’re all the same, and even though they all kinda suck I keep playing them. But I don’t think I could draw that out for three and a half paragraphs.
So now that I’ve buffed up my word count quite nicely, it’s back to reviewing this surprise cone. Which is not at all like Street Fighter, because Street Fighter is always awesome.
They weren’t old like most surprise bag candy (at least, not as old, the date says 2004), but the Juicy Drop chews were pretty bad. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that all candy starts to taste like dust after so long, because that’s what always seems to happen, at least in my experience. The juicy centers were tasty, but the chewy outside was about as delicious as licking a shelf you haven’t dusted in a decade. Not cool. Not quite as new as the package would have liked me to believe, I guess.
Oh look! It’s a semi-clear plastic cup! And it’s got the word “GLO” on the side, so logic would denote that it must glow in the dark. Not bothering to read the rest of the label for specifics, I let it sit under the light for a while and then turned said light off. The cup did not glow. I was angered and threw the cup at the wall to spite it. It bounced and hit me in the head. I probably should have kept that bit to myself.
While I was “charging” the GLO cup, I rummaged through what was left of the surprise cone’s innards. It was then that I found the number one coolest thing ever found in a surprise bag (bar anything from the Nintendo Surprises): the styrofoam airplane. I could regale you with stories of how many of these things I bought as a kid, but that would take up a lot more time than you want to spend listening to my jibba-jabba. Foo.
So anyhow, I had a farkload of these planes back in my day. Not all at once, of course. The things are made of styrofoam, after all. This is their weakpoint, and will often lead to massive damage incurred by little boys playing a bit too rough. sometimes they don’t even make it past the building stage, when said little boys get frustrated that the wings won’t go in as easily as they assumed and end up crushing the thing in a fit of rage. Sometimes I still cry at night, thinking about my poor styrofoam planes and how they never really had a chance at life, being thoroughly crushed by pudgy, cotton candy-stained fingers. I am slightly comforted by the fact that these planes haven’t changed at all since my childhood. Even the packaging is designed the exact same way. In a world that is so unstable and constantly changing, it’s nice to know that some things will always stay the same.
I’m not currently sure where this particular plane ended up. A quick scan of my surroundings confirms that maybe I should turn the lights on, but the light switch is like halfway across the room, and I’ll be damned if I’m getting up.
I was perplexed by the strange object. I turned to myself and asked
“I couldn’t tell you, buddy” I replied nonchalantly.
“Do you think it has anything to do with that dumb cup?”
“Probably, but I really don’t care.”
So guess what. I was a little off about the whole glowing cup deal. Turns out the cup itself isn’t s’posed to glow, but you’ve gotta pop these dumb glowsticks into the rim on the bottom. Yeah, dumb. And they’re those lame snappy ones that all the losers bring to their lame rave parties. Ugh. Just having these things in my possession makes me feel so inferior.
Yep. It worked. Whoo. Fascinating, isn’t it. Can we move on yet?
Aww, it’s a cute widdle penguin weeble! But what an odd pose for a weeble. Facing upward… that makes no sense. But wait! What is this?
Ye gads! It’s not a weeble, it’s a marker! A marker concealed ingeniously within a weeble! Airport security would never see it coming! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Well I don’t know what else to say about the penguin marker/weeble. it’s yellow, which makes it undesirable and impractical. I guess you could use it as a highlighter, but if you’re going to be toting it around, the penguin shape doesn’t lend itself very well to the task. I like it as a decoration, but beyond that it’s pretty useless. The second best thing in the cone by far, but only because it’s too adorable to dispose of. Even that’s cut really close too, just look at the sloppy-ass paint job. It’s a little disheartening, to say the least.
Thankfully, that’s the end of that little endeavor. Not that I don’t appreciate the styrofoam plane and the penguin weeble/marker, but having to slog through the rest of that crap to get to them wasn’t easy. Or enjoyable. Particularly the candy. At least the candy in some surprise bags is so terrible that it warrants discussion on its own. The crap in this one was just plain boring. And shitty. I mean seriously, who the snap like sour stuff? It’s all about spicy, my friends. If it’s not pastry or it doesn’t cause a ring of fire, it’s not worth eating, I say.
I would also like to mention that my youngest brother also bought a surprise cone. The only actual surprise came from the fact that we both got the exact same junk. Okay, to be fair we got planes with different designs, but that just barely counts. So, you know, if you see a surprise cone that looks the same as this one out there somewhere, don’t even bother looking twice. I bet they’re all the same, and the only difference is that the girl cone has a toy pony or something instead of a plane. The dart is probably still in the girl cone too. While it may be intended to be a toy weapon, I’m sure girls could find some way to appreciate it. Please excuse me for that, it slipped my mind for a moment that these things are meant for three-to-ten year olds, and as such, that innuendo there is totally inappropriate. It’s totally awesome if you imagine Marisa Miller buying it though.
In conclusion, the surprise cone was totally not worth five bucks. I normally don’t mind spending a dollar on a surprise bag for a cheap thrill, but five for this load of junk? I don’t think so. The plane alone would have only run me like 50 cents, and I could have lived my life without the penguin markeeble. It’s a sham and a half, that’s what it is.
As a thrilling epilogue to my story, I should note that there was a lot of other great stuff in the new The Bargain Shop like boxes of salt water taffy for 50 cents and all-day suckers. There’s awful computer games and movies just itching to be reviewed too, but my The Bargain Shop budget was pretty much shot by the surprise cone. It’s a mistake I will be sure never to make again. Until they redesign the cone and I’m fooled into thinking it’s a new cone, allured by the possibility that this new one might contain a coozy, and then when I get home and open it and see that it’s all the same junk at which point my eyes fill with liquid rage and I snap and take down as many people with me as I can. That’ll be the day…
I was gonna skip today, but then I saw this: Biker Mice on DS!!!! Holy cow this is awesome! I loved* the SNES Biker Mice From Mars game, and the cartoon even more. Ah, what a wonderful little system that DS is. How anyone could not love the thing is far beyond me. At least I’d never smash a PSP. Geez, what a dork.
Fun weekend, but don’t really have much to talk about. Guess another article’s gonna be due soon too, eh? Well I guess I’d better go start on that then. Aiming for Thursday.
But this time I won’t be alone in my rantings! As you may have guessed by that portrait to the right there, I’ll be joined in my culinary adventure by ShadowMan of MegaMan 3 fame. You know, since he’s not up to much these days. I mean, the last work he had was in 
Loverboy. Classic Canadian act. Maybe not as classic as, oh, let’s say Rush, but pretty classic no less. I’ve never really been in tune with how much Canadian music those Mexico-touchers get, but I’m fairly sure that “Working For The Weekend” was big enough to get play down in them States. Either way, I still hear them a lot on the radio up here. Plenty of great songs by these guys (“Notorious” being my personal fav), and as always I give a hearty recommendation. Of course, commanding as much radio presence as they do, you’re probably already well-acquainted with a bunch of their music. If not, where the crap have you been? Radio can be pretty good, if you listen to the right stations. I guess there’s plenty left that can be said, but I’m really not up to it. Go poke aorund 
