{"id":9258,"date":"2004-01-26T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2004-01-26T14:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/torrentialequilibrium.net\/?p=9258"},"modified":"2021-09-03T03:19:35","modified_gmt":"2021-09-03T08:19:35","slug":"the-hamburger-game-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/torrentialequilibrium.net\/?p=9258","title":{"rendered":"The Hamburger Game"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I know that as of late, a lot of my content has been revolving around video games. I intend to stop that trend with this here article. I haven\u2019t really written about anything non-video game for a while (excluding holiday specials), and it\u2019s making my site seem too video game-oriented. Of course, that\u2019s what I love, so it\u2019s okay, but that\u2019s not why I made the site. I wanted to write about all sorts of different stuff. That includes toys, games, food, movies, whatever. If I can think of something I love and think might interest others, I\u2019ll write about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been playing board games my whole life, and you think by now I\u2019d be pretty good. But the fact of the matter is, it\u2019s almost always up to the dice to decide who\u2019s gonna win. A lot of them are games of chance, and very few require a lot of skill or thinking. That\u2019s why for the most part, they\u2019re aimed at children. But hey, they\u2019re fun, and that\u2019s why I\u2019ve been spending a lot of time playing them lately.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

During the last semester of school, me and my friends have been playing board games a lot during spare. At first it was Monopoly. We played Monopoly for months. Every day we played at least one game. It was starting to get annoying, so we mixed it up by playing Star Wars Monopoly instead. Then when we got annoyed with that, we moved onto Star Wars Battleship. That one didn\u2019t last too long, but I did have a much better record, 5-1, than I did at Monopoly, 5-(no clue). We knew we had to find something new and fast. That\u2019s when I remembered the Hamburger Game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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One of the most cherished of my childhood memories, the Hamburger Game is still one of my personal favorite board games to play. Most of my friends think it\u2019s exceedingly stupid, but I love it. I mean, how could you not like a game that is about food? All food-type games I can think of are great; the Hamburger Game, Pizza Party, Grape Escape, and to a lesser extent, Candy Land. Actually, the Grape Escape game is a lot better than all of them if you just intend to smash the Play-Doh grapes over and over, but I still think quite highly of the Hamburger Game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Oh, and one more little thing before I really get into it, my friend took all the pics, not me. I know he hasn\u2019t learned the word \u2018focus\u2019, but I don\u2019t actually have the game, so there wasn\u2019t a whole lot I could do about it. Just keep in mind that I didn\u2019t take them, so you shouldn\u2019t get angry at me when you can\u2019t tell whether a picture is of a tomato or a jackalope. Not my fault. Got it? Just wanna keep myself on the innocent side here. Ok, back to the thingy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Above, you can see the game board. It\u2019s full of all sorts of crazy crap, and may even seem a bit confusing if you have no idea how the game is played. But the rules of the game are actually quite simple. There are two to four players competing to collect all the pieces for their burger. It\u2019s just like a big game of memory, with a die and pawns. And even the pawns are pretty basic, as they\u2019re the same pawns that come in 60% of all the board games out there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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In the center here, we have all the little white spaces where all the burger pieces are placed. The only trick is that they\u2019re face-down!!<\/strong> I guess it doesn\u2019t seem so easy now, does it? You may also notice that the lettuce seems to be hitting on the tomato, but I\u2019ll get to that a bit later. Basically, the way the game is played, is that the player rolls, moves, and then tries to find the burger ingredient that they landed on. If they find it, they get it. If not, tough cookies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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When a player scores a piece, they get to put it in this handy little area to keep it safe from the others. It\u2019s even got a little position for each ingredient. Isn\u2019t that thoughtful? Now you may wonder, \u201cBut what if I only want a veggie burger? Or a burger without onions?\u201d Well once again, tough cookies. You\u2019re supposed to be some fast-food guy making burgers for real people who eat real burgers, not wuss-burgers. At least that\u2019s what I like to think. I think you\u2019re thinking that I\u2019ve gotten way too into this game. And if you are thinking that, you\u2019re right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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This is what a complete burger\u2026 box\u2026 thing\u2026 looks like. Oh yes, and there\u2019s one important little detail I forgot to mention. No matter how many times you land on it and find it, you have to pick up the bun last. Once again, you question the game\u2019s logic, since the bun character is the whole bun, but the instructions say that it\u2019s only the top of the bun. Besides, when making a burger, I imagine you\u2019d gather all the ingredients before you start putting it together, so it makes sense in a roundabout way. Maybe that last paragraph didn\u2019t make sense to you, but it worked in my head, so I\u2019m not changing it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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And this one is what the game might look like when being played, with all the pieces in place, and the crappy little pawns all over. Notice how they lack so much detail. I would have preferred comical standy characters, but when I think about it, there are no characters aside from the ingredients in this game. So I guess you get away with it this time, Chieftain Games. But next time\u2026 next time will be different. I\u2019ll make the New Hamburger Game, and it will be the greatest game ever!! I\u2019ll show you all!! SHOW YOU ALL!<\/strong> Ahem. You\u2019ll have to excuse me. I tend to go insane from time to time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Ah crap! There is one more thing I forgot to tell youse. This space here is called \u201cThe Kitchen\u201d. Sounds pretty hardcore, eh? Well, it is. It\u2019s the only reason that I ever lose this damn game. You see, when you land on your own Kitchen, you can call any piece you want and go for it, but if you land on opponent\u2019s Kitchen you\u2019re screwed. In that scenario, they get to steal any piece that they want from you. And trust me, it\u2019s a huge problem. Like I said, I always lose because of these damned squares!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And now that I\u2019ve given you an idea how the game goes down, we\u2019ll take a look at each of the characters. Sure, by all means they\u2019re just run-of-the-mill foodstuffs with faces, but my friends and I were able to give them all personalities. Yes, we have absolutely nothing better to do in the three hours we have between classes. Two spares in a row before lunch may sound like a good idea, but trust me, unless you want to waste a lot of gas, being stuck in school for that long is not<\/strong> very fun at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Our first and most confusing character is Kelly Ketchup. The problem with Kelly is his\/her\/it\u2019s gender obscurity. The name is no help, as \u2018Kelly\u2019 is regularly applied to both males and females. The character itself holds no evidence of sexuality either, as the face is as totally gender neutral as the rest of the body. Finally, Kelly isn\u2019t even on the box, so there\u2019s no way at all to tell which gender this particular bottle of ketchup is. Kelly is kind of like the Pat<\/a> of the Hamburger Town.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Next up is Billy Bun. There isn\u2019t a whole lot to say about him. He\u2019s the most annoying bun you\u2019ll ever meet, because he keeps popping up when you don\u2019t want to see him. I guess if anything, he\u2019s a monster, because as depicted on both the box and the center square, he intends to eat all the other ingredients. He\u2019s just making it seem like they\u2019re going on a nice little ride, but when they\u2019re all on there you just know he\u2019s gonna munch \u2018em all up like so many condiments before them. Gee\u2026 Now I really<\/em> don\u2019t like Billy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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These two are Peter and Paula Pickle. There are two theories for these two. The first one, my theory, is that Peter is a cannibal and ate Paula, and on the tiles, she\u2019s just a cardboard standy. My reasoning is that only Peter is on the box. So where is Paula? Where is she?<\/em> The second, less appreciated theory is that they\u2019re just normal pickles, but they enjoy the company of each other just a little bit too much, if you know what I mean. If you don\u2019t get it, here\u2019s a hint: it starts with an \u201cIn\u201d and ends with a \u201cCest\u201d. Another point of interest, my friend Stacey seems to harbour some sort of strange attraction to these pickles. I suggested that a cucumber might be more satisfying and was promptly kicked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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This guy is Oscar Onion. As you can tell, he\u2019s quite the wussy. Always crying, even on the box. Just look at the guy. He\u2019s pathetic, like some sort of pity whore. I mean, maybe he realizes his fate and is very unhappy about it, but if I knew I was going to be killed and eaten, I wouldn\u2019t stand around crying, I\u2019d get the Hell out of there. Other than that, Oscar is a very uninteresting character. Just like real onions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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If Kelly Ketchup is the Pat, then Marsha Mustard is the floozy of Hamburger Town. Just looking at her, you can see how much of a tart she is. And the proof is all over the box. On the cover, she\u2019s clearly fondling the cheese, and then on the side she\u2019s moved on to another of the condiments. Sure, maybe the guys who designed it just didn\u2019t care about continuity, and they probably never thought that it would be analyzed by a bunch of immature teenagers, but that\u2019s very unlikely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Charlie Cheese is another one of those characters that you really can\u2019t make up anything funny about. He\u2019s full of holes, so maybe he\u2019s been shot a lot? All I know is that I have no respect for him, because he\u2019s a sucker for that hussy Marsha\u2019s seductive ways. Damn fool probably pays for sex. I guess there really aren\u2019t any other characters fit for that job, as most of the others are male, dead, or lesbians. But maybe I should stop with all the sex jokes and stuff, this has gotten a little too dirty even for me. Oh well, it\u2019s not like any kids read these things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Ah, good old \u201cBeefy\u201d Burger. This guy\u2019s got a lot of problems. First off, he\u2019s always<\/em> on fire. Why? Nobody\u2019s sure, but it is quite odd. Secondly, his name is in quotation marks, suggesting that he\u2019s taken on a false name. Now why would he do that? The general consensus is that he is the one who shot Charlie full of holes. Why he changed his name we don\u2019t know, as there are no cops in Hamburger Town. Well, ther\u2019s that one guy, but he\u2019s too busy chasing the Hamburglar. And there aren\u2019t any other \u2018Burgers\u2019 there either. Did he really think changing his name would fool anyone? It didn\u2019t fool me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Linda Lettuce. She seems quite happy and normal on the tiles, but take a closer look at the box and center of the board. It\u2019s plain to see that she is glaring rather seductively at the tomato. Now this really doesn\u2019t seem so bad, but wait \u2018till you hear this; the tomato is a chick<\/em>! That means only one thing. Linda is a lesbian. No bones about it, but it’s not like there’s anything wrong with that. She\u2019s always after the tomato, too. At least she\u2019s not a tramp like Marsha.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Our last character is Theresa Tomato. Not only does she have to deal with constantly being hit on by Linda, but she\u2019s also got quite a physical load to bear. She\u2019s a plumper, and it\u2019s impossible to deny. The fattest resident of Hamburger Town. That\u2019s quite the title to have, and it probably wouldn\u2019t be so bad if she was a guy, but she\u2019s a chick and the truth is that our society is just not that kind to overweight women. She has Linda, at least, but otherwise must deal with the disapproving glares of all the other foodstuffs. Did you know tomatoes are berries? Poor Theresa. She\u2019s probably praying for death.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that\u2019s the whole crew. They\u2019re some pretty farked-up foods, eh? What\u2019s that? I\u2019m the one who made it all up so I must be the one with problems? Nah, that can\u2019t be. Remember, this was a team effort. I wrote this article all by myself, but a lot of the ideas came from my friends. Heck, I even drew a comic about it, and it\u2019ll be posted up somewhere eventually.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All in all, after playing this game a few times to bring back the fond memories, I can certainly say that it\u2019s even more fun that I remember. It might have something to do with the fact that I was playing with people other than myself, but I think it also had to do with the fact that it\u2019s so simple and fun after playing stuff like Monopoly for so long. I\u2019d certainly recommend playing this game to anyone. If only it wasn\u2019t so extinct. Sadly, my friends don\u2019t love it quite as much as I do, and after about a week, we moved onto Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. I wish I had a lot of my old games\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Well, that\u2019s that. I guess it\u2019s time for the little conclusion\/news thing I do at the end of every article. If you didn\u2019t pick up on it during the article, I really love the Hamburger Game, and so many other games I played as a child. They were a lot better back then, and more original too. I mean, there\u2019s gotta be like 5 billion different versions of Monopoly out there, and at least 27 versions of Clue. And these are all that they\u2019re making these days. I\u2019d like to see some old board game remakes. Particularly the Hamburger Game, the Squirrel Game, and Rockin\u2019 Robins. Ooh! And Shark Attack, but I think one of my friends might still have that one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So now that this is done, I guess I\u2019ll move onto something new. I don\u2019t know what that something is, but I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll find it pretty soon. I plan to finish the 6-Foot 3-Pak thing in the near future, and it\u2019ll be in two installments, too, as the last two games are pretty huge in themselves. Valentine\u2019s Day is just around the bend, but that certainly isn\u2019t going to bring in any article material. I\u2019m going on a trip soon, and with my soon-to-be-newly-acquired digital camera, you can expect pics of that to be up sometime. And with that, I\u2019m done. I\u2019ve passed 2500 words so there\u2019s no more reason for me to hang around here.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I know that as of late, a lot of my content has been revolving around video games. I intend to stop that trend with this here article. I haven\u2019t really written about anything non-video game for a while (excluding holiday specials), and it\u2019s making my site seem too video game-oriented. Of course, that\u2019s what I … Continue reading The Hamburger Game<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,37,26],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9258","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-articles","category-board-games","category-foodstuffs"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/torrentialequilibrium.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9258","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/torrentialequilibrium.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/torrentialequilibrium.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/torrentialequilibrium.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/torrentialequilibrium.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9258"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/torrentialequilibrium.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9258\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9275,"href":"https:\/\/torrentialequilibrium.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9258\/revisions\/9275"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/torrentialequilibrium.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9258"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/torrentialequilibrium.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9258"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/torrentialequilibrium.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9258"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}