Give something new a try

So I sat down today and wrote out an article. I’ve been meaning to do it for about two months now, but that’s by no stetch the longest I’ve ever had an article waiting to be written. I still have a lot in the backlog, and I guess I should do some soon, because I think they might be breeding.

I also updated the CD collection on Friday, but never got around to making the news post to announce it. I also couldn’t get the CSS to work right for the updated page links, so you’ll have to consult the “last update” callout to see what’s what. I guess I could tell you here, but I feel like being an ass and leaving it up to you.

I have a feeling September might be a little slower than the last couple months have been. I’m going through my “I don’t even want to think about the internet” phase right now, so we’ll see what happens.

Ooh, and I rented Clock Tower 3. Wow. I definitely should have played it before Haunting Ground, that’s all I’ve got to say. Though I might never have given Haunting Ground a chance if I’d played CT3 first. Who knows? Either way, I recommend both for the high levels of cheezy horror. You might just want to watch someone play CT3 though. It’s not so good when you’re actually playing it.

The Supermassive Surprise Cone

Okay. I’m a little hesitant to do this one right now because frankly, I think the surprise bags are losing their luster. I mean, realistically you can only review so many surprise bags before the formula wears thin and the readers see through your guise, work themselves into a rage and hunt you down, behead you and plant your head on a stake out in your front yard as a warning for anyone else trying to pull a similar scam.

But alas! We here at Torrential Equilibrium are devoted to upholding our code of laziness and half-hearted reviews. We also hate that fact that we are such poor typers and have to fix like every second word. It literally doubles article production time to stamp out all those lieks and smoethigns.

But alas again! I’ve gotten off track. Story time, young ones.

A long, long time ago – June 30th of 2006, to be precise – I was in the town of Lac Du Bonnet to attend one “Canada Day Parade and Festival.” The parade was lackluster, to say the least. The average age of the participating people was “deceased” and the various “Miss Whatever” girls were all fat. It wasn’t cool. The festival part was much better, with rides, food, and those horribly addictive carnival games that promise great prizes, but rarely leave you with anything more than an armful of shitty little stuffed animals.

It was only on the way out that I realized that my beloved The Bargain Shop had closed down. It was there that I had acquired many great things, such as Nintendo Surprises and the Dick Turtle surprise bags. I was shocked and hurt. My soul was crushed. I tuned around slowly and dramatically, as if out of a movie. Then I looked up and saw it. It was The Bargain Shop! Only it had been freed of its strip-mall confines and moved into its very own at-least-10x-as-big building! The Gods God was smiling on me that day, and I happily entered the haven that was the huge new The Bargain Shop.

Long story short, I figured I was going to find a new surprise bag of some sort. I bet you figured that too. And if you did, you’d be wrong. Wrong like a guy who thinks metal sucks. ‘Cause metal is awesome.

Yeah. Cone. The Bargain Shop has gotten serious about baiting me with unknown goodies, I think. I mean, not only does it totally blow away the surprise bag in terms of basic visual appeal, but it’s got a lot of other little bells and whistles going for it. For one, it’s gihumongenormous. Comparing it to something everyone can identify with, like a DVD case, might help to show just how big this monster is. I suppose a regular surprise bag would have been the best comparison, but I didn’t have one at the time of taking the pictures.

The other thing that really compelled me to pick up a surprise cone was the price. Five bucks for the thing. Five bucks. It sounds like a total rip-off, and most of me assumed it would be, but a small part of me was completely reassured that the high price tag meant either good stuff inside or at least a shit-ton of crappy stuff. I was clearly more than ready to take my chances. After all, I’ve won several trophies for unnecessary/compulsive spending.

So that’s that, and here we are. I cracked this baby open the day I got home, and the pictures have been sitting on my hard drive collecting cyberdust up until now. It just seemed like such a monumental task, and like I said earlier, me lazy. But now I’ve sat down and begun to write, so I might as well get it all done. Then again, even if I stopped here and came back to it three months later, you’d never know, now would you?

I’m not going to lie. That clown is pretty much freaking me out right now. That indecent look in his eye, the enthusiastic smile, the grabby grabby hands. We all know that this guy is the clown that children have nightmares about. I intended to go down the “this guy’s a pedophile fo shizzle” path, but I really think that those kind of things would best be left to your own sick imaginations. But seriously, I’m pretty sure he wants to kill me and wear my skin like one of those animal scarves you see on rich cartoon women all the time. And then he’d comically set up and play my bones like a xylophone because he saw it on Itchy and Scratchy that one time.

I just noticed that the cone seems to be mostly in French. I mean, yeah, “surprise cone” is English, but it’s only got “bonbon et jouets” all over it. nowhere do we see a satisfying English “candy and toys” exclamation. What if an Anglophone has never seen a surprise bag before and wonders just what the surprise is supposed to be? He’ll probably think there’s a hooker in there or something and the surprise is which STDs she has.

I guess the top that signifies whether its for boys or girls ages three to ten would be kind of a tip-off. Hookers totally aren’t for kids between three and ten. Kids that young just can’t appreciate the wonders that are paying for sex and the trip to the free clinic the next day.

The picture is unacceptably blurry, but you can make out a small football, a styrofoam airplane toy, various stickers and junk. And wonders of wonders! What is that which I spy with my little eye? Could it be… a coozy? I didn’t even notice that one there until I went to open the thing. For various reasons, having a coozy intended for a small child would be like a dream come true. Well, perhaps less magical than that, but it would still be neat. I still have yet to acquire a coozy of any description, and I was certainly hoping the surprise cone could remedy that problem.

Wow. Oh wow. Just… holy freakin’ God. The surprise cone’s gone chocolate starfish. That’s just not appropriate. It’s all a normal cone until you open it and then BAM rusty sheriff’s badge. Seriously. Does anybody see anything other than a paper stink star? Because all I see is a big mudcutter. It’s kinda funny how you see things that unintentionally look like button spiders all over the place. I mean, do you think someone really designed this so that when you open it, it resembles a whale’s eye? Probably not, but it’s both gross and funny at the same time. I’m sure someone has a website devoted to this kind of thing.

…Oh man, I just got the awesomest idea. Heh heh heh. Awesome. Damn, this article just keeps getting more and more inappropriate.

Quite a haul, I might say. Certainly more impressive-looking than the bits of candy and Happy Meal rejects you get in surprise bags. At least, this stuff looks alright at a glance. I’m sure that you’ll agree with me once you’re done that it’s mostly crap. Hell, just look a little closer and you’ll see that it’s mostly crap.

Well then. Caillou, you say? That’s, uh… Well, it’s kind of a toddler thing. I don’t think any self-respecting kid over four years old would really appreciate Caillou. By that time they’ve moved onto whatever shitty battling anime is popular at the time and/or SpongeBob. Seriously. Have you ever watched Caillou? I struggle to imagine that even newborns could find any enjoyment in the show. And they pretty much can’t even think. I suppose that if you’re gonna break balls, it is just a colouring book, and anyone can enjoy a colouring book regardless of associated franchise/theme.

You know what’s the worst part of it all? Now I’ve got a colouring book, but I haven’t got a crayon to colour in it with! Whatever shall I do?

I’ll be damned! It’s Barney, and he’s come to save me from my horrible crayon-free existence! He’s even going to throw a party while he’s at it! Though based on Barney’s audience, I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to keep a lookout for that clown from the cone. It’ll be heaven for that freak.

Seriously though, this is crap. Four crayons? What the snap am I going to be able to colour with four crayons? Unless they can change colour at a moment’s notice, I just don’t think they’re going to be cutting any kind of mustard. And of course it’s just the primary colours and green to boot. So if I were to colour Caillou, I’d have to make him either yellow or red, and that wouldn’t be ethnically correct. You can’t imagine the anger I felt when they made The Honeymooners black. Not that I’m racist, but you can’t arbitrarily change an established character’s race. Jackie Gleason was probably rolling over in his grave when they announced that. So the point I’m trying to make is that there’s no way in Hell that I’m going to be turning Caillou into a rice picker or a feather head.

I’ve always hated sour soothers. Not only do I disprove of anything more than noticeably sour, but the product name is a huge oxymoron. Maybe they were shooting for the irony angle, but nothing as sour as these bastards can possibly be soothing. It fills me with unbridled rage. So much so that I don’t even want to talk about them anymore.

On the upside, it’s a foam dart. On the downside, it doesn’t do its job too well. At least, I don’t think so.

The way I see this thing, you put the elastic band on your finger, pull the dart back, and then let ‘er fly. But it usually just crashes into my finger and then dangles there while onlookers laugh and point. But It could very well just be me. I have a bad track record of using hand-powered projectiles such as rubber bands, darts, and boomerangs. The foam dart is clearly no exception.

I’d like to take a little stop here to mention that we’re about halfway through the article. At least as far as pictures go. I don’t know what lies in store for us where a word count is concerned, but unless I think up another relevant story to tell, it’s probably going to wrap up quicker than it started. Of course, I could go all Something Awful and talk about things that are only vaguely related, but I don’t really have the imagination required for that kind of thing. I mean, I guess surprise bags are kind of like Final Fantasy games in that they’ve always got different stuff in them but in essence they’re all the same, and even though they all kinda suck I keep playing them. But I don’t think I could draw that out for three and a half paragraphs.

So now that I’ve buffed up my word count quite nicely, it’s back to reviewing this surprise cone. Which is not at all like Street Fighter, because Street Fighter is always awesome.

They weren’t old like most surprise bag candy (at least, not as old, the date says 2004), but the Juicy Drop chews were pretty bad. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that all candy starts to taste like dust after so long, because that’s what always seems to happen, at least in my experience. The juicy centers were tasty, but the chewy outside was about as delicious as licking a shelf you haven’t dusted in a decade. Not cool. Not quite as new as the package would have liked me to believe, I guess.

Oh look! It’s a semi-clear plastic cup! And it’s got the word “GLO” on the side, so logic would denote that it must glow in the dark. Not bothering to read the rest of the label for specifics, I let it sit under the light for a while and then turned said light off. The cup did not glow. I was angered and threw the cup at the wall to spite it. It bounced and hit me in the head. I probably should have kept that bit to myself.

While I was “charging” the GLO cup, I rummaged through what was left of the surprise cone’s innards. It was then that I found the number one coolest thing ever found in a surprise bag (bar anything from the Nintendo Surprises): the styrofoam airplane. I could regale you with stories of how many of these things I bought as a kid, but that would take up a lot more time than you want to spend listening to my jibba-jabba. Foo.

So anyhow, I had a farkload of these planes back in my day. Not all at once, of course. The things are made of styrofoam, after all. This is their weakpoint, and will often lead to massive damage incurred by little boys playing a bit too rough. sometimes they don’t even make it past the building stage, when said little boys get frustrated that the wings won’t go in as easily as they assumed and end up crushing the thing in a fit of rage. Sometimes I still cry at night, thinking about my poor styrofoam planes and how they never really had a chance at life, being thoroughly crushed by pudgy, cotton candy-stained fingers. I am slightly comforted by the fact that these planes haven’t changed at all since my childhood. Even the packaging is designed the exact same way. In a world that is so unstable and constantly changing, it’s nice to know that some things will always stay the same.

I’m not currently sure where this particular plane ended up. A quick scan of my surroundings confirms that maybe I should turn the lights on, but the light switch is like halfway across the room, and I’ll be damned if I’m getting up.

I was perplexed by the strange object. I turned to myself and asked

“What the Snuckey is this?”

“I couldn’t tell you, buddy” I replied nonchalantly.

“Do you think it has anything to do with that dumb cup?”

“Probably, but I really don’t care.”

So guess what. I was a little off about the whole glowing cup deal. Turns out the cup itself isn’t s’posed to glow, but you’ve gotta pop these dumb glowsticks into the rim on the bottom. Yeah, dumb. And they’re those lame snappy ones that all the losers bring to their lame rave parties. Ugh. Just having these things in my possession makes me feel so inferior.

Yep. It worked. Whoo. Fascinating, isn’t it. Can we move on yet?

Aww, it’s a cute widdle penguin weeble! But what an odd pose for a weeble. Facing upward… that makes no sense. But wait! What is this?

Ye gads! It’s not a weeble, it’s a marker! A marker concealed ingeniously within a weeble! Airport security would never see it coming! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Well I don’t know what else to say about the penguin marker/weeble. it’s yellow, which makes it undesirable and impractical. I guess you could use it as a highlighter, but if you’re going to be toting it around, the penguin shape doesn’t lend itself very well to the task. I like it as a decoration, but beyond that it’s pretty useless. The second best thing in the cone by far, but only because it’s too adorable to dispose of. Even that’s cut really close too, just look at the sloppy-ass paint job. It’s a little disheartening, to say the least.

Thankfully, that’s the end of that little endeavor. Not that I don’t appreciate the styrofoam plane and the penguin weeble/marker, but having to slog through the rest of that crap to get to them wasn’t easy. Or enjoyable. Particularly the candy. At least the candy in some surprise bags is so terrible that it warrants discussion on its own. The crap in this one was just plain boring. And shitty. I mean seriously, who the snap like sour stuff? It’s all about spicy, my friends. If it’s not pastry or it doesn’t cause a ring of fire, it’s not worth eating, I say.

I would also like to mention that my youngest brother also bought a surprise cone. The only actual surprise came from the fact that we both got the exact same junk. Okay, to be fair we got planes with different designs, but that just barely counts. So, you know, if you see a surprise cone that looks the same as this one out there somewhere, don’t even bother looking twice. I bet they’re all the same, and the only difference is that the girl cone has a toy pony or something instead of a plane. The dart is probably still in the girl cone too. While it may be intended to be a toy weapon, I’m sure girls could find some way to appreciate it. Please excuse me for that, it slipped my mind for a moment that these things are meant for three-to-ten year olds, and as such, that innuendo there is totally inappropriate. It’s totally awesome if you imagine Marisa Miller buying it though.

In conclusion, the surprise cone was totally not worth five bucks. I normally don’t mind spending a dollar on a surprise bag for a cheap thrill, but five for this load of junk? I don’t think so. The plane alone would have only run me like 50 cents, and I could have lived my life without the penguin markeeble. It’s a sham and a half, that’s what it is.

As a thrilling epilogue to my story, I should note that there was a lot of other great stuff in the new The Bargain Shop like boxes of salt water taffy for 50 cents and all-day suckers. There’s awful computer games and movies just itching to be reviewed too, but my The Bargain Shop budget was pretty much shot by the surprise cone. It’s a mistake I will be sure never to make again. Until they redesign the cone and I’m fooled into thinking it’s a new cone, allured by the possibility that this new one might contain a coozy, and then when I get home and open it and see that it’s all the same junk at which point my eyes fill with liquid rage and I snap and take down as many people with me as I can. That’ll be the day…

Now I’m here, think I’ll stay around

So I’m watching Firewall (Which, by the way, was so-so. I liked Hostage better) last night, and around 1AM my brother decides to go out for a walk with his girlfriend. These kids are fourteen, mind you. My parents object, but fail to do anything that actually stops him, so he’s gone. The movie ends, it’s about quarter after two, and my mom is unhappy that he’s not returned. My dad tells me to go and track him down to see what’s going on. Always eager to pretend I’m a ninja, I accept, slip on my sneakers, and leave.

I walk down the street a bit and hear voices, so I jump in the bush. I peer out, seeing that it’s only people chattering on their front step. But then there are voices behind me. I’m only covered from the front and sides, my back exposed. Surely they’ve seen me. I crouch down and hope for the best. The voices pass, I am safe. I peer up and see that it’s my quarry that unwittingly got the drop on me. Had this been a real game of cat and mouse, they would regret their poor attention to their surroundings.

I let them go and dodge behind the nearby senior complex. Unfortunately, it has a fenced-off yard, and hoping to avoid any unwanted attention, I have to travel the rocky shore of the lake behind said senoir complex. Letting my focus slip for a split second, I misstep and get a shoe full of water. I haven’t accomplished my mission yet, so I keep on truckin’. The shoreline is unfortunately littered with small birds, and they raise a bit of a racket, but I’m still in the clear. I get out from behind the complex and slowly make my way through the paved field of parked cars, not knowing if my targets are ahead of or behind me. I slowly creep out, and see that they had made excellent time. They must have run at some point, as there’s no way they could have gotten as far as they did as fast as they did at a normal walking pace.

As they amble through a parking lot, I quietly sneak along a fence, keeping just enough distance to make an easy getway should they turn an notice me. My poor luck came into play, as the brightly lit parking lot offered little cover or darkness for me to keep a low profile in. I had also neglected to dress appropriately in my haste, so shadows would not have likely helped too much anyway. I continued my hunt anyway, and was able to find shelter behind a garden shed and some bricks. They stopped just under a streetlight, and proceeded to… fondle… each other. It was mildly disgusting, but I had to keep watch to see what was up. My intuition was telling me that they would simply stop here to say goodbye and then part ways for the night.

Ten minutes later, they were still… at it… and I was ready to pack it in and cut my losses. Then, from behind me, I heard voices approaching. A couple of no-goodniks were walking down the sidewalk, and when they spotted me, they figured it would be funny to blow my cover. They never stopped moving though, so I was able to escape before my brother caught on as soon as they passed by the shed. I quickly fled the scene, using the sparsely placed trees and tall grass as cover, hoping that he hadn’t noticed my presence.

As soon as I reached a rather dark shadow, I crouched down and assessed the situation. My brother was slowly on his way back, but I had plenty of time and room to make my way back unnoticed. But it wasn’t over. Since my return would be easy, I took the sidewalk, and that turned out to be a foolish move. I noticed three figures coming down the street towards me. They seemed to be all dressed in white. I immediately assumed the worst and that I was done for. I knew they had seen me, and trying to hide would only make me a more interesting target, so I continued walking. As they drew closer, however, I noticed that they were not in fact dressed all in white. They were not dressed at all! The naked figures continued their march right past me, and I turned my head so as not to get an eyeful of anything I didn’t want to see (knowing all well that I could have gotten an eyeful of exactly what I did want to see. Which is boobs). As they passed, I quickly picked up my pace, hoping that quickness would help me avoid any other oddities the night might want to throw at me.

I got home unscathed and my brother followed shortly, blissfully unaware that I had been following him.

After my little adventure, I’ve come to a simple conclusion: If you have kids, or when you do, don’t fucking let them go out after a certain time. Midnight or so should about do it. You know all those stories your mom told you about how all the freaks come out at night? Well they’re true. It doesn’t matter how safe you think your neighbourhood is. After nightfall, anything could be lurking around outside. So do your kids a favour, and no matter how much they pretend to hate you, just keep them inside at night. You may very well be saving their lives, or at least saving their eyes a good washing. That’s your article for next week, by the way.

j/k. Relax, guy. It should be up on Sunday this time, assuming nothing distracts me too much over the weekend.

Mass Review Time: Episode 1

I did a little shopping over the past week, and rather than talk about each item separately in the blog as I usually do, I figured I’d take a page from Mike’s book and do a mass review of the stuff I bought. It just seems so much easier that way, and you only have to sit through one boring article rather than four boring bog posts. Everyone’s a winner! Except you. And everyone but me. So in conclusion, I’m the only winner.

• Item #1 – Boston – Walk on

Now, many of you should know that I really love Boston. I mean, they’re a fricking sweet band, how could I not? In any case, most fans think that Boston’s releases went downhill after their second, Don’t Look Back. I’ll admit that Third Stage was a little weaker than I’d hoped for, but Walk On is awesome.

The disc is split into three parts. The first three songs are kickass, even if “Surrender to Me” was featured on Don’t Look Back. The second part of the disc is the “Walk On Medley”, a set of four songs that could stand on their own, but come together to make what could very well be the rockingest 12-something minutes ever recorded. The last set of songs is a bit weak and forgettable, but that’s forgivable due to the high quality of the rest of the album. Hell, the “Walk On Medley” alone is worth the purchase price (which was about $12). Seriously. It was basically the reason I bought the album in the first place. Also, I really love “Surrender To Me”. Score: A

• Item #2 – Guilty Gear Dust Strikers

The most expensive item on the list, totaling up to about $40, is a game I’ve been looking forward to for a while. Why? Well, to be honest, the DS doesn’t exactly have a great catalogue of fighting games. The only one I had before this was Jump SuperStars, and as great as that game is, it wasn’t going to last me forever and I don’t feel like importing Bleach and it’ll still be awhile until King of Fighters DS is released.

But now it sounds like I’m making an excuse for buying it. That would be because it hasn’t exactly been getting the greatest of reviews. they say it’s too far from the base GG material or something, but I’m not seeing what’s so wrong with it. Granted, my only previous GG experience is with Guilty Gear Advance, but I loved that game immensely. GGDS seemed like the next logical step. I’ve been playing it a lot since I got it, and I’m very much enjoying it. Of course, I’m pretty crap at fighting games (makes you wonder why I love them so much), but I’m even starting to get reasonably good at this one.

Basically, the game takes the base fighting game mechanics (think Street Fighter, but cooler) and tries to cross-breed them with Super Smash Bros. This ends up with multi-tiered stages, items, and up to four fighters. It’s a little more hectic than your run-of-the-mill fighter, but I’m convinced that it works. Word on the street is that Guilty Gear Isuka for PS2 works in a similar fashion. The only thing that they forgot to implement was Wi-Fi multiplayer, which is strange considering how long it was delayed for.

Aside from the fighting, there are a handful of touch-screen minigames, all of which are kinda dumb and/or hard except for one. Their only purpose if to unlock movesets for a single customizable character. And speaking of which, those would be the only unlockables in the game. It’s odd for a fighting game not to have a small warehouse worth of unlockables in this day and age, but I don’t think that the game suffers any because of it. Mostly because I’d never be able to get half the stuff unless it were time-released or something else not relating to skill. Score: B+

• Item #3 – Bust-A-Move DS

Have you read my Bust-A-Move article? That alone should really be enough to justify why I dropped $20 on BAMDS. I mean, why not? It’s portable Bust-A-Move, which in itself is worth even $30. Not to mention that the damn game has been out since December or so and this was the first time I’d seen it anywhere. A chance encounter is all it was, and I couldn’t have hoped for better.

So how is it? It’s friggin’ Bust-A-Move! Do I really need to tell you how it is? To be honest though, it is a little tricky to get used to. See, the D-pad is way oversensitive for Bust-A-Move, and there’s no control stick, so what’s a guy to do? Well duh, this is the DS we’re talking about. Obviously you get to aim with the touch screen, which works awesome once you get the hang of it, which takes maybe five minutes tops. Also it features 5-player single-card multiplayer. Top notch!

One odd thing to note is that both DS games I picked up were made by Majesco. What a silly coincidence. Score: A

• Item #4 – Haunting Ground

I saw this game one time at Superstore and I was like “Holy crap! New Capcom survival horror game!” but it was like $35 and I didn’t feel like taking that chance. Luckily, while I was perusing the games down at the Best Buy, I found it for a meager $20. That was more like it! While it was clearly more of a budget title, I was pleasantly satisfied with Obscure, so my susceptibility to a cheap survival horror game was at it’s highest.

I haven’t played very far yet, but for what it’s worth, I’m very much enjoying Haunting Ground. If you’ve ever played a Clock Tower game, you’ll have a very good idea of how this one goes down. If not, here’s the lowdown: you’re a (rather busty) girl trapped in a big spooky castle being stalked by a big spooky ogre-man. The catch? No weapons. Unlike most survival horror games, Haunting Ground really emphasizes the survival bit by leaving you almost completely unarmed, save a few defensive items to help slow down your stalkers. Unlike Clock Tower though, you are aided by a friendly dog who will attack your assailants for you, but it’s still more of a run-and-hide game.

I probably just suck at it, but I’m finding this game almost as difficult as it is entertaining. That damn ogre-man is a lot more persistent than I need him to be, but it does add a good bit of fun to the game, as it’s always more rewarding to complete a difficult task than an easy one. The dog is also really cool. He’s animated really well, easily the best video game dog I’ve seen to date. Oh, and he acts like a real dog too, with the not listening to you when he doesn’t feel like it and all. The scenery is also insanely pretty too. If you like graphics, you’ll love this game to no end. If you like gameplay, you’ll like the game too, but maybe not quite as much. Sadly, the music is little more than atmosphere… And speaking of atmosphere, the game builds so much tension that lesser men will pop while playing it. Score: B

Oceans of light envelop me

You know what? I’m not even going to bring it up past this short paragraph. It’s not going to happen. It’s just a name. It’s not worth shitting my pants over. (CONTEXT: The name “Wii” was just unveiled)

Now I’ve got a little dilemma. I seem to have forgotten to tell you about the Silent Hill movie, but I also promised I’d share my opinions on Brain Age today. I don’t want to do both, (why waste a good blog post?) so I’ll just have to push Brain Age to tomorrow. Again.

Okay, so Silent Hill. I love the games very dearly, and if you keep up with this blog, you knew that. So obviously I was very psyched about this movie. It also filled me with fear and sadness because as a rule, video game-based movies blow. Silent Hill did not blow, despite what Scott and Tycho may be telling you. I’m going to go on record and say that it’s the best video game movie ever made. In fact, I loved it. There were so many great things about it that I don’t know where to start. I guess the first thing to hit me was that at least half the music in the movie was ripped straight from the first game, or was at least so similar that I can’t tell the difference. Next, the camera work was brilliant, and very reminiscent of the game. Lastly, the “crazy world” parts were very well executed, and made me a very happy Ryan. The base of the story remained mostly the same, and there were some huge changes that kind of irked me, but I won’t spoil anything like that.

The things I didn’t like about it are as follows: 1) I miss Harry Mason. 2) The fact that it was based on the first game, yet featured Pyramid Head (along with his gigantic knife) from SH2 was a little dumb. 3) They totally trivialized the Lisa character. She could have just as well been cut altogether. 4) You know, that’s about it.

One last thing that doesn’t really need mentioning is something that would have scored huge points with me: if they had used the joke ending from the game. Everybody who hadn’t played the game however many times you need to get that ending would be stupified and angry, but I would have loved it. I’m pretty sure anyone else who has earned that ending would agree with me. Here’s hoping they use the SH2 joke ending in the likely sequel. All hail the Dog!

They bought and sold you

It’ll still be a couple days before I try to get back into the swing of things, but I figured that in the meantime, I’d distract you with a little blog rambling. To tell the truth though, I’ve got nothing. Nope, nothing to say. Nothing new anyway. Well, I did find the soundtracks for Baten Kaitos 1 and 2 on eBay about half an hour ago, and it’s taking every ounce of willpower in my body (and then some) to keep from blowing my hosting money on them and having to wait another eight days for new hosting funds to transfer over.

They’ve begun posting weekly videos over at the New Super Mario Bros site. So if you’re interested in that, then you might want to click my little link there.

I’m going to see Silent Hill tonight. As a gigantic fan of the games, I’ll have a very biased blog review tomorrow, assuming nothing gets in my way.

For the Tetris lover in all of us.

I’m a little surprised at how much people seem to hate the PSP. I’m starting to feel bad for the little guy. Did I really just type that?

Lastly, I feel the need to mention that Planet MegaMan is back up after what seems like forever. It’s still slowly recovering piece-by-piece, but it certainly looks spiffy.

The Surprise Bag That Time Forgot

Surprise bags have been a part of Torrential Equilibrium ever since its inception, and they will likely keep coming back again and again as long the site exists and as long I keep visiting dollar stores in other towns. They’re just so easy to review, they cost like $1.50 at most, and there’s always something interesting inside. Of course, I use the word “interesting” in its most literal sense, because the objects are curious and draw your attention. They are never in any way good, useful, or tasty. With the Nintendo Surprise goodies being the only exception to this rule.

The other great thing about surprise bags is that it’s always fun to try to find the oldest one. Now, I was pretty excited about the Nintendo Surprise, and as far as I can remember, they were about a year and a half old when I found them. Since then, finding old surprise bags has been my raison d’être, and you can imagine how happy I was when I came across Dick Turtle. I never found a year on those things, but forensic evidence, carbon dating, and some other impressive-sounding things have proven that eating the candy they contained was probably a bad idea. The last type of surprise bag I reviewed was wasn’t too old. Hell, it probably hadn’t even reached the year-old mark. But I had a whole bunch of them, and you know how it is here – quantity over quality.

So anyway, if the opening spiel, the link you clicked to get here, and that totally fancy title graphic that I spent way to much time on didn’t tip you off, I’m reviewing yet another new species of surprise bag. I’ll tell you now that based on age and disgusted reactions, this is by far the best surprise bag yet. It’s going to be hard to top, because it’s provided me with tons of material and I’ve got myself so hyped up about how great it’ll be that I worked extra hard on the title banner and put a huge amount of effort (in comparison to how much effort I usually put into an article) into the bonus that will be featured at the end.

I think I’ve prattled on for long enough. So now I present to you the oldest, most generic surprise bag I’ve seen in my life:

Oh yeah. Paydirt. It’s no more than some white paper folded up and stamped with clipart and some vague words. I would have loved to be the guy who designed this bag, simply because he got paid for literally doing something a three-year-old could do better. Or at least that’s how I imagine it went down. For all I know, it could have been made by a whole pack of slaves who tried their damnedest to prove that they should be paid for their work. The one thing I am sure about is that we’ll never know anything more about this surprise bag, because it doesn’t bear a single mark that could help distinguish where it came from. No company name, no date, no trademark or anything. For all we know, this could have been put together by some meth chefs during the off-season. Though now that I think of it, is there a meth off-season? I mean, it’s not like when dope farmers have to close up for the winter. Unless they have a greenhouse, I guess. But that’s all besides the point. I think. I’ve kind of forgotten what my point was.

Considering the cheapness of it all, I’m pretty impressed at how different those question marks are. They’re different colours, slightly different fonts, and they’re filled in differently. To tell the truth though, I can’t remember at all why I took this picture. It doesn’t show anything different than the big picture did, and there’s nothing to really read there either, so it’s a mystery to me.

I do find it a little sketchy that it says “candy or toy” on the bag. The interesting part being the “or.” Dick Turtle and the more colourful generic clown bag suggested that you’d be getting some of both in every bag, but this one is all about getting one or the other. Is it an accurate statement, or will we be surprised to find both toys as well as candy in the bag? Only time will tell, and if it proves wrong, I’ll have one more reason to hunt down the people who made these. Bad grammar cannot go unpunished! Unless it’s a typo in one of my articles. We can let those slip.

Do you think they just printed out every ingredient that’s ever been in anything, just so they could throw anything in there and their asses would be covered? That’s my theory. I’m pretty sure the only other place I’ve seen some of these ingredients is on shampoo bottles, so I’m kinda hoping that it’s gonna be just the toys this time around.

Also note that back of the bag features just as few noteworthy marks as the front. Unless you can trace objects by their barcodes, it’s like they wanted to make sure that we’d never be able to find them. And there would be good reason for that too. You’ll understand once we get in a little further.

Now do you see? It’s all candy! There are some cards too, but they don’t really count as toys or candy, so we’ll just write them off for now. After considering how ratty and uninspired the bag it, I wasn’t overly thrilled at the thought of how old the contents could be. I’ve never heard of any of these candies, but I guess that’s not so different from the situation presented by the other surprise bags. Well, that one other clown one did have a Chupa Chups lollipop in it, and that’s a brand that’s pretty easy to recognize. This one is all stuff that even the most prolific candy know-it-alls would likely be hard-pressed to identify. Hell, some of it doesn’t even have proper packaging. I was truly frightened by the prospect of putting some of these things in my mouth, and I’m still a little shaken by the whole experience. Fortunately, I didn’t have to suffer through it all on my own, but more on that later. Let’s have a look-see at what’s here.

You know, these little guys look oddly familiar. I just can’t put my finger on it… Well, I guess maybe they’re not ripping off Tic Tacs entirely. After all, the sticker indicated that they came from Barcelona. Yeah. What? That doesn’t sound so bad? Do you even know where Barcelona is? It’s in Spain! Spain is a long way away. I’ve never been, but one day maybe… Anyhow, it also shows that Hit is produced by a company called Nutrexpa, so I took a look to see what the ol’ internet had to say about Nutrexpa. This is their site. But don’t expect to learn anything unless you’re fluent in their language, as you can click the English option a many times as you like, but the site will still be mainly in this “castellano” they talk about so much. I, in my infinite wisdom, was able to surf the site without any trouble, but didn’t uncover anything. It’s a nice-looking site, but there’s almost nothing there. (Actually, the site just doesn’t get along well with FireFox. If you browse it in IE or whatnot, it’s all English and there are plenty of informaciónes.)

With all that red tape cleared up and out of the way, there was only one thing left to do: eat one of them. The bag was old and shitty, but the Hit container and the Nutrexpa website seemed pretty up-to-date, so I figured it wouldn’t be all that bad. Then I noticed the little black numbers on the front of the plastic container. 30.07.02 Now, there’s no proof that it’s the expiration date. It may be the “packaged” date for all we know, but history has proven that when there’s only one set of numbers that they signify when the shit inside will go bad. And this stuff passed its prime three and a half years ago. Ouch.

With my confidence shaken, I decided that I’d bite the bullet anyway. What kind of entertainer would I be if I didn’t put my physical wellness on the line for a laugh? After convincing myself that there’s no way tiny little mints like these could go bad, I took it like a man and popped one in my mouth. At first, it wasn’t so bad. Then I started to bite down, and a horrifying chill went down my spine. I quickly spit the thing out and looked at it. These babies my look like Tic Tacs, but they’re made more like regular hard candies. Regaining my courage, I put it back in and chewed it up. It wasn’t so bad. A little more brittle (for lack of a better word) than I’m normally comfortable with, but there wasn’t anything overly wrong with it. The issue was all in my head, and now that I had a little confidence under my belt, I was ready to take on whatever else this bag threw at me.

Okay, maybe I’m not that ready. You know, I’m not sure if the fact that there are no indications whatsoever of what these are, where they came from, and how old they are should comfort or frighten me. They could date back to the American Civil War for all I know, or on the other hand, they might have been produced a week ago. Based on what we’ve seen so far, I’m not exactly overflowing with confidence. There’s nothing to really make preamble out of here, so I’ll just cut right to the chase.

As you may have guessed, they were hollow gumballs. Okay. That’s not so bad. I’m pretty sure that gumballs are like cartoon characters and never really age no matter how long they’re around for. They were almost as hard as jawbreakers on the first bite, but they ended up being just as chewy as normal gum, so I can’t say it was a bad experience eating these things. Chalk up another victory for me. This surprise bag may be outdated, but it can’t possibly defeat me. Nope. No way in hell.

At least that’s what I thought at the time. But just how dead wrong I was, even I wasn’t prepared to find out.

Enter Dubu gum. It looks pretty normal, right? Nothing overly suspicious about it. Well, that’s how it seems at a first glance anyway. Further investigation of the package reveals that this stuff also hails from Spain. No year on it, but our adventures in Spanish candy haven’t been too thrilling so far. The other notable thing is that it’s peppermint-flavoured gum. Well, it’s not really notable, but now we know exactly what it’s supposed to taste like. Peppermint gum isn’t exactly hard to come across. Sadly, this shit was anything but peppermint.

This gunk was grody. And I mean “roadkill covered in diarrhoea” grody. If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that if I have to suffer, I do my best to make sure someone else suffers with me. So since I was “blessed” with so much of this dubious Dubu, I decided the only logical thing to do was to have my family eat some too. Below are some of their comments.

-Eric: “Tastes like wax and toothpaste. Smells… Horrible.”

-Mom: “It smells like pee!”

-Dad: “Smells like somebody peed on a mint. I’m not putting that in my mouth.”

-Patrick: “I like it. Tastes good.”

I kid you not. Those quotes are verbatim. Down to the punctuation. As for what I thought? Well, have you ever had one of those Christmas tree ornaments that are supposed to smell like candy canes? I do, and if you haven’t ever seen/smelled one, I’d be glad to show you sometime. Anyway, the gum smelled almost exactly like that, except slightly more rancid. I can’t believe that after smelling that thing that I actually put it in my mouth, but I did. Almost without thinking. As soon as I bit down, I spit it out all over and almost vomited. But, you know, that would have been alright. Vomit tastes way better than old Dubu gum. It was probably the worst thing I’ve ever tasted. Ever. And I’ve eaten oysters (By accident. I’ll tell you the story some other time). The consistency was… well, since one of my brothers actually liked the stuff I guess it was like that of normal gum, But I didn’t have it in my mouth anywhere long enough to know for sure.

On the upside, that’s one more lesson learned for me. If I ever see Dubu gum again, I will hold onto it and offer some to anyone who angers me even in the slightest. It would be a great – and relatively harmless – form of revenge. And maybe torture too…

Sensor chewy candy. Oh, hey! It’s strawberry-flavoured! How could this go wrong? This is how. It’s got approximately a year on the Hit candy. I’m not gonna be putting a very large bet on this horse. If there’s anything I’ve learned from this experience so far, it’s that candy has an expiration date for a reason. It may seem timeless, but the shit does worsen with age. Maybe not as fast as say, milk, but it happens.

Being me, I was enticed by the claims of “chewy” and “strawberry” all over the package, so I popped one in. You’d think I would have learned by now.

Now, maybe it’s just me, but I can’t remember the last candy I ate that was advertised as “chewy” that was not dissimilar to chewing on a rock. You see that image above? It’s a little blurry, but you should be able to tell quite well that it’s split very finely in two. Why do I point this out? Chewy candy does not split in two! I hurt my teeth when I clamped my jaw down on that little sucker! You could probably take a hammer and chisel to one of these things and find fossils inside. Needless to say, there wasn’t a whole lot of strawberry present either.

I’m kind of a slob, so when I was done with the stuff I just left it sitting on my floor (I got the bag and took the pics about a good week before I started writing this article). A couple days later, my dogs wandered in. Poor little guys didn’t seem to like the stuff either, as one of them came out with a piece in his mouth, gnawing desperately at it in hopes of putting a dent in it. The other one ate the leftover red gumball. It was funny at the time, but then I realized that since I’m the one that stays home with them all day that I’d likely be cleaning up the resulting doggy vomit. As luck would have it, that’s just what happened.

Well lookie here! These not only look contemporary, but they also seem to be North American-made. Things are finally starting to look up! Upon closer inspection, it turns out they’re actually produced in Hamilton, Ontario. That’s the best news I’ve gotten all day! They even advertise their website on the package. In an unlucky twist of fate, said website is currently broken. Or something like that. Maybe they’re just doing maintenance right now and by the time you read this it’ll be back up and working. God knows that I’m not going to be trying to get there anymore.

Sadly, that wasn’t all the information listed on the package. They also included a “best before” date. That date reads 30.01.03. Yeah, just over three years. But, at least it says “best before” and not “expires.” There is a difference between the two.

There’s actually an interesting note about the gum here. While most gumballs are round or oval, these ones are shaped more like fat barrels. And by that I mean they’ve got two parallel flat spots, rather than being entirely round. I’m not sure if they were meant to be this way, but considering that all three gumballs in the package are shaped the same way, I’m willing to bet that it was intentional. But now I’m just trying to drag it on. Let’s see how they’ve stood up against the test of time.

To start, they smelled like dust. A bad omen if I’ve ever smelled one. But I put the Dubu gum in my mouth after smelling it, so I have no excuse to chicken out on these things. It came as a bit of a surprise that the one I “ate” actually tasted like dust as well. Dust with a hint of lemon. The sourness was definitely gone many a year ago, and they actually managed to taste like old. Keeping in mind, of course, that I don’t know exactly what old tastes like. I’ve never licked anyone’s grandma. Not surprisingly, the gum was pretty damned hard. Not as hard as rocks like those red gumballs, but hard enough to deter me from continuing to try to eat one. If these guys were best before January in 2003, they likely expired two months or so after.

You can’t really tell by the picture, but these suckers appeared a bit paler that usual. There’s not really anything to go on from here, unfortunately. It’s a good thing I’m close to the end. I don’t know how much more of this crap I can take.

While there was a slight hint of something I didn’t recognize, the suckers actually tasted pretty normal. Not great, but they didn’t activate my gag reflex, and that’s always a plus. I still wouldn’t recommend ingesting one, because only God knows what that little mystery taste is. It might just be old, but it could be something far more frightful. The thing about surprise bags like this is that the mysteries don’t end one you see what’s inside. The products I’ve seen so far prompt more questions than they answer, and my overactive imagination isn’t a great trait when I think about why these things taste as horrible as they do.

Wow. Just wow.

I didn’t realize the “Otoban” was popular enough to have it’s own gum. And they even come with stickers! Check it out. But why bikes? Oh well.

Upon opening the Otoban gum, I was surprised to discover that it looked exactly like Dubble Bubble gum. Except gray. Well, that’s not good. As with the Dubu gum, I had given it a try prior to writing this article, and I have some comments on this stuff too.

-Eric: “Still tastes like gum, but it’s freakin’ hard.”

-Mom: “Disgusting, vile. It’s like eating chalk.”

I didn’t get enough of this stuff to go all the way around, but three impressions are better than one. As for me, I again popped it in my mouth without really thinking of the consequences. There was no initial taste, but when I bit down I got the worst surprise. The damn thing splintered into a billion tiny fragments and I immediately spit out as much as I could. It had about the same texture as glass. It was like there were a billion shards of sadness in my mouth. It did not taste like gum, and I have no idea how my brother managed to get any flavour out of it. All I was left with was the feeling of having a thick layer of dust caked on my tongue. It was similar to eating dried-out Play-Doh, except without the unique Play-Doh taste.

The final group of items in the bag were, thankfully, not edible. The cards were a huge flashback for me, because back when I was between four and 11 years old, I collected all sorts of cards. Sports, movies, dinosaurs, video games – anything that came in card form, I would collect. But there were a couple things about these cards that stood out.

First off, I’d never even heard of the movie “Baby.” From what I can glean from the cards, it seems like something that may have influenced Jurassic Park, but of course, I only know small bits of the story. In any case, there’s a pretty good indication of why I’ve never heard of this movie on each card: it was released in 1985. That’s a year before I was even born. Before I was conceived, even. That also makes these cards the oldest dated items found in the bag. Probably the oldest items I own, too. The other thing is just a personal annoyance. On the back of every card, the assumed tagline for the movie reads “Great New Adventure Movie.” Does that sound overly Engrish to anyone else? It’s also a shitty tagline.

I did a quick IMDb search for “Baby,” but the only movie with that title that was produced in 1985 is this. Call it a hunch, but I don’t think that’s what I’m looking for. I don’t care enough to do any more searching either, so Baby will remain a mystery to me until the end of time. I don’t rightly care though.

As happy as I was to find a perfect Surprise Bag to write a review of, I can’t say I was overly thrilled to have even put some of that stuff in my mouth. It was really bad. Like, the Nintendo gum at least just tasted bad, it wasn’t vile. I had to go to some rather extreme measures to wash some of those horrible tastes and residues out of my mouth. But hey, on the upside, it got easier as time went by.

Rest assured though, that a bad experience will not deter me in my quest to find and review as many surprise bags as humanly possible. Of course, if you hate the surprise bag articles, that’s not a good thing, but you’re going to have to deal with them. I’ve got a good thing going here, and if you think I’m going to give it up, you’re dead wrong. I don’t know really how to go out here, so I’ve attatched a sweet little gallery to the end of the article. Enjoy!


Bonus! – The Baby Card Mini-Gallery

Between my surprise bag and the two my brother got, we claimed quite a few of these “Baby” collector’s cards. Seeing as they’re moderately interesting, I’ve scanned both sides of every card at a respectable resolution and put them all up in this spanktastic gallery for you to gawk at. Just look at how much effort I put into making the thumbnails! What a waste of time!


 
 

Baby Stickers
What could the big picture be?

TE Top 10: Video Games of 2005

It’s that time of year again. The time when we look back and pick out our favourites of everything and anything that happened during the year. Most people do their “top whatever” lists in early December, but I like to hold off until the first week of January so as not to miss anything that might just squeak by. Oh, and my list is one of video games. Just in case.

There are a few rules that certainly have big effects on my list. First and foremost, I don’t include any re-releases, no matter how much of an update they’ve gotten. Also, it is comprised only of games I’ve played. It would be kind of ruin the integrity of the list if I just threw any old game on it. The little problem with this is that I didn’t play a whole lot of games this year. Sure, compared to some people, I may have played a lot, but there wasn’t a whole lot of variety. I probably only rented like five or six games total this year. But oh well. That’s what you get.

That’s pretty much the whole intro. What else is there really to say? I’m gonna be doing enough reflection in the bajillion words below, so I don’t really need any of that here. So yeah. Go.

~ #11 (honourable mention) ~

Trauma Center: Under The Knife

Let me start by explaining the honourable mention. See, I haven’t really played Trauma Center. I have played the demo version, which was in Japanese, but I haven’t played the whole game. And since I haven’t actually played the whole game, I can’t in good faith give it a real spot on the list. But rest assured that if had, it would totally be there. What I did play of Trauma Center was really cool, and somewhat challenging as well. The game has topped my “most wanted” list since long before it came out, but alas, I’ve yet to find it anywhere. The local Electronics Boutiques have both informed me that they won’t be getting any more, and if EB isn’t getting any more, nuts to all the other stores. The only hope I have left is… eBay? Maybe I’m gonna have to investigate the Microplay scene. If anyone ever sees it, there’s a very generous bounty to be claimed… *hint hint*

EDIT: By the time this was posted, I got the game. As expected, it r0x0rz my b0x0rz.

~ #10 ~

Lost in Blue

Lost is Blue is lucky. Lucky that I haven’t gotten my hands on a copy of Trauma Center. It’s also lucky that Metal Gear Solid 3 was just a little too complicated and silly for my tastes. Actually, there are a lot of games I considered for this position, but Lost in Blue is just so neat that I couldn’t deny it.

A sequel to the underappreciated Survival Kids for the Game Boy Colour, Lost in Blue is a sim of a different persuasion. The idea of the game is that you’re stranded on an island with a girl, and you have to survive and find a way off the island. Or just survive. You don’t have to escape if you don’t want to. There are plenty of thins to do on the island, like rummage for food, collect stuff, make that stuff into tools, build furniture, hunt animals, explore, and more. The island provides a ton of stuff to do, and it’s up to you when you want to do it and if you even want to do it at all. the only thing you have to do (if you don’t want to lose) is to keep yourself and the girl alive. Otherwise, it’s all up to you. You’re even provided with the chance to play through as the girl once you complete the game, which offers an entirely different way to play the game.

Such open-ended gameplay usually has one of two effects on people: it either sucks you in completely, or you get bored right away. The only big difference between this and similar games like The Sims or Animal Crossing is that in Lost in Blue you do actually have an objective, so there is something compelling you to move forward. Not to mention that there are like a jillion different endings, based on your actions and relationship with the opposite character. The only real complaint I have to lodge against the game is that animals only appear in one area, and it takes a lot to get up there. Plus, hunting is really hard/requires luck more than anything.

~ #9 ~

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

This is the game I’d been waiting for since the DS was released. Aria of Sorrow is my favourite GBA game, and things could only get better with a sequel, right? Right. While it seems kind of harsh to give Dawn of Sorrow 9th place, it’s not so bad on the grand scale. 9th best of all the games I’ve played this year? Not too bad at all.

Castelvania: Dawn of Sorrow is the continued adventure of Soma Cruz, a regular-type guy who just happened to inherit Dracula’s powers by some cruel twist of fate. In Aria of Sorrow, he had to escape Dracula’s castle and keep from being corrupted by his powers. This time around, he’s in pretty deep, as some crazy cult is out to get him and his powers. The story is of the least importance, however, as the game itself is a testament to what beauty can be created on the DS. The game plays out in two dimensions, but every now and then there’s a 3D background that will just blow you away. The touch screen itself is used rather sparsely, but the fact that there are two screens is the single best improvement in a Castelvania game ever. See, the top screen can be used as a map screen, and that in itself is one capital reason to champion the DS. In any game with a map, especially Castelvania, it’s always a hassle to stop to check the map every few steps/rooms, and Dawn of Sorrow eliminates this issue completely by having the map ready for you at all times.

Even without the pretty graphics and cool features, the gameplay itself is more than noteworthy. Like its predecessor, Dawn of Sorrow uses a system of powerups fueled by the souls of your enemies. Every monster in the game has a soul which you can extract and use to your advantage. Some are simple abilities, like gaining throwing knives or summoning familiars, but others so some really cool stuff like letting you do a super jump or regenerating life. The game is pretty balanced, giving you a challenge while never being overly frustrating. Some bosses might drive you nuts, but a couple level-ups or the right soul combination could remedy the problem easily. There are a few different endings, a lackluster “enemy set” mode that you can challenge your friends to, and a handful of unlockables. Those unlockables include a sound test, a boss rush mode, hard mode, and a special mode that’s almost an entirely different game.

~ #8 ~

The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction

While I’d love to go on and on about this one, it seems I already have. I’d give you a link straight to it, but I’m feeling far too lazy at the moment to figure out the URL and all that shit you need to go through to make a link. So I’ll just type some stuff about the game instead.

Ultimate Destruction is more or less my dream free-roaming game. Of course, my overall dream game would contain many elements of UD, but it would be entirely different, and most likely 2D. Anyway, why do I love this game so much? For one, it’s all about destroying shit. There’s no stealth, no items, no rules. Just pure, unadulterated smashing. The game is basically split up into three categories (all rolled into one, but you won’t be doing one at the same time as another): free-roaming, missions, and sub-missions. The free-roaming is pretty obvious. You traipse around town as the Hulk, breaking whatever you see fit, jumping erratically, and basically just having a great time. The world is your oyster, and you may smash it as you please. Sadly, most of the buildings in the game are indestructible, but it’s still plenty of fun to destroy what can be destroyed. Heck, even my dad was impressed my this game, and the only interaction he has with any video game besides Pitfall is making fun of them.

The missions are pretty straight-forward as well. You’re usually either out to catch or destroy something, sometimes both. Pretty much any mission that strays from that formula has you high-tailing a piece of technology back to your church base. While these missions may not be geared toward destruction, they’re usually rather tricky, and that can provide much fun and frustration. Sub-missions are usually normal things like “race to here so fast” or “save pedestrians from the burning building”. Some however, are completely off-the-wall and have you batting soldiers falling from a helicopter or playing golf with an oil pump and a huge ball of steel. You’re ranked on the sub-missions, and getting gold on the better part of them is really friggin’ hard.

I think the thing that really ties the game together and takes it from good to great, is the freedom is gives you. You’ve all played on iteration of GTA or another, and I can’t help but feel that all of these games feel stuffy and that the controls don’t really flow. Hulk, however, has a very natural feel to it, and once you get down the controls, it’s a very nice feeling you get when you realize you didn’t even have to thing about that insanely complex string of jumps or beatdowns you just launched. It has the same feeling of freedom that Super Mario 64 had, where you feel almost completely unrestrained, allowed to do whatever you please. That’s precisely the reason why Super Mario 64 is my favourite game of all-time, and that’s why I treasure Hulk: Ultimate Destruction as much as I do.

~ #7 ~

Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time

I made fun of Metal Gear Solid 3 a few paragraphs back for being silly, so why on earth does Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time rank so highly on my list? Simple: Mario & Luigi is based around silliness. The first game, Superstar Saga, set a good rhythm of intuitive gameplay and hilarious dialogue, and Partners in Time is in perfect step with it’s older brother.

The best part of the Mario & Luigi series thus far is the story aspect. And I’m not just talking about plot here. The dialogue is written with more than a pinch of humour, the characters are all extremely lively and often outrageous, and yeah, even the plot is pretty good. While in most RPGs, you’ll spend a lot of time fooling around and making sure you don’t miss anything, in Partners in Time you’ll be heading pretty much straightforward the whole time. Yes, you might go back to play some mini-games over or level a bit (it’s not that necessary), but most of the time you’ll just be moving forward. While it’s somewhat due to the fact that you’ll always want to see what’s going to happen next, I have to admit that the game is pretty linear. There are no sidequests to speak of, which is sad, and no bonuses after you beat the final boss, but chances are that you’ll be having so much fun you won’t miss those things.

The gameplay itself is unique to the series (and in a way, to the entire line of Mario RPGs), in that battles take both real-time and turn-based elements. In this game, you have play not only as Mario and Luigi, but the baby-sized bros as well. This situation has you playing as four characters at once, with each bro assigned to his own face button. Luckily, the only time you have to use all four buttons in tandem in four-bro battles, and this can lead to some hairy situations if you haven’t memorized your buttons. A lot of the time, the pairs will split up and do their own thing, and then you only have to look after two bros at once. Action commands liven up the battles, helping you max out your damage potential and avoid enemy attacks entirely, sometimes ever scoring a counterattack. While the action commands in the Paper Mario games would only serve to ease battles a little bit, in the Mario & Luigi games, if you’re really good, you could probably finish the game without getting hit once.

All in all, the game is as good or slightly better than the first. While the battling can sometimes get overly complex, it’s always fun and keeps you interested and involved, unlike traditional RPGS. If you want some more details, go check out the (very) short review in the 2005 Christmas article.

~ #6 ~

We <3 Katamari

What? What’s not fun about rolling a ball? Balls are like the first things we play with as babies, and even as we grow up, they still play a big roll (punny!) in our lives (at least for those of us who aren’t afraid of sports). So why not make a game that’s key feature is that you get to roll around a ball? Namco took up the challenge, and after the super-niche hit Katamari Damacy took the world by storm, what else could they do but appease the fans and roll out the Katamari for another go?

Katamari Damacy was the main reason I purchased my PS2. Yeah. That’s right, I got it mostly for a single game. A game I hadn’t even played at the time. Call me what you will, but it was money well spent. For hours I rolled around that katamari, and never yearned for more. The game didn’t offer a ton of gameplay outside rolling up as much crap as you could, but it was good enough. Like how people could play Space Invaders or Pac-Man obsessively. But Namco decided that we were worth it, and they put their best minds to the test and released We <3 Katamari sometime in mid-2005. What I got, I never would have expected. The game had been expanded with so many new stages, challenges, features, objects, and playable characters. They even managed to build in a cooperative mode that puts two people at the reins of a single Katamari.

The object of the game is to appeal to the fans of the King of All Cosmos, and roll around your Katamari. No big difference, right? Well this time, it’s not just a challenge to get your Katamari as big as you can within a time limit. No, there are stages that have you collect so many objects, roll a Katamari as fast as you can, keep a fire burning, and even one stage where you have to build a snowman. The wealth of new challenges is very pleasing, and it only gets better. In the first game, you could roll up presents for your character to wear, and cousins to be used in Battle mode. This time, there are a ton more of each, and the various characters can be used in single player as well (though they make no more than an aesthetic difference). Even the “select meadow”, the game’s hub of sorts, is fun to play around in. The only part that drags the game down is that Namco didn’t include any “eternal” stages, so you’re always working on a time limit. While I do miss them, it’s safe to say the game is of no lesser value because they’re gone.

What else do I need to say to get you to play this game? Do I need to tell you that it’ll fellate you as you play? Because I’m ready to tell you whatever you need to hear. If there’s one game you need to play on this list, it’s We <3 Katamari. The quirky graphics, abundant humour, and stellar yet simple gameplay are more than a match for you, so I want you to give this one a shot. I can’t guarantee you’ll love it like I do, but the odds of having fun are stacked heavily in your favour.

~ #5 ~

MegaMan Zero 4

I’m probably going to include the newest MegaMan Zero game somewhere on every future list like this, as long as they keep up the excellent trend. While MegaMan games usually peak in goodness around the second or third game, the Zero series gets better every time. And in leaps and bounds to boot.

MegaMan Zero had the core gamplay down. It was full of action, and was one of the few games of its day that could give you a real headache. Zero 2 didn’t add many features, but lengthened the game and pumped up the difficulty to near-impossible. Zero 3, which earned a spot on last year’s list, toned down the difficulty to a “gifted-human” level, added a handful of new features and tweaked some old ones to make them more user-friendly. The latest game, aptly titled MegaMan Zero 4, is again tweaking and adding whatever it can. Most notably, the tedium of earning and arranging Cyber-Elves is gone. You now have a single elf which you can level up and customize to give you whatever boost you might need. This game’s new weapon, the Z-Knuckle, lets you rip enemies apart and take their weapons for yourself. Some are offensive, some are devensive. Some have ammo limits, some you can blast away with forever. Some are guns, some fit in more with the club family. All in all, the Z-Knuckle provides you with a huge assortment of options and makes for a great addition to Zero’s personal weapons cache.

The upgrade chip system from the previous game returns, although this time you have to make the chips, not find them. You make these chips by picking of parts from defeated enemies and mashing them together. The only flaw here is that the game provides very few chip recipes, so you’ll have to figure out most of them by trial and error or a trip to GameFAQs. Another new feature is the weather changing system. Each stage can be affected by two types of weather, one is a little rougher and gives the boss an advantage, and the other will likely make your jaunt through the stage a lot easier. Obviously, you’ll need to play with the harder weather to get a good rank, but it also serves as the only way to procure the boss’ EX Skills, which is a lot easier than keeping up an A or S rank. Zero 4 also has its own share of unlockable mini-games, and the requirements for most of them are not nearly as obscenely difficult as those in Zero 3.

Overall, it’s a very satisfying game. There hasn’t been such a well-balanced MegaMan game since MegaMan X, and that one didn’t even have all the cool features that Zero 4 boasts. The downside is that… Hmmm… SPOILERS! (Sort of.) Highlight the text to read! The downside is that the ending really wraps everything up. And I mean really wraps everything up. Most of the events that play out near the end and during the final scenes point towards this being the last of the series, and that’s not cool. Though Capcom has pulled many stuns like this in the past (especially with MegaMan), so I doubt things are as grave as they want you to think.

~ #4 ~

The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap

Honestly, I’m gonna come out and say it: This is the best Zelda game since A Link to the Past. It’s not that I didn’t like the games in between, but Ocarina of Time is way overhyped, and Majora’s Mask and The Wind Waker were still missing something. Link’s Awakening was my favourite Zelda game before this (though I think LttP is a better game on the whole. Professional and personal preference are two very different things), I never really got to play the Oracle games, and Four Swords is really in a category of its own. And even if you don’t agree that it’s the best Zelda game, it’s got no competition when you’re asking about the best GBA game ever.

Some people are complaining about the declining number of dungeons in Zelda games. But really, that number was never set in stone. The first game has nine, Link’s Adventure has six, LttP has at least 12, and Link’s Awakening has eight. There are about 11 in OoT, five or six in MM, and the Wind Waker is kind of ambiguous, because some things seem like dungeons, but half the population says no and half says yes. The Minish Cap tops in with five official dungeons, but that’s not really a big deal. The game in itself is huge, with a fully fleshed-out Hyrule to explore, as well as the many little bits that make up the Minish World. There are tons and tons of caves, grottoes, attics, and temples to explore, as well as a smaller world in the sky. The game itself is full of life, overflowing with personality and Zelda charm. Hyrule town is easily the liveliest and most colourful Zelda town ever, and there are characters spread out to even the furthest reaches of the land.

The graphics are a huge part of the game, as they’re unbelievably rich and detailed. Everywhere you go, you’ll be treated to beautiful scenery and extensively animated characters and enemies. The soundtrack is also worthy of note, being of uber-high quality and composed of new tunes and classic themes alike. I swear, this is the first Zelda game since the first to properly utilize the Legend of Zelda theme. The big cave in the graveyard also has a magnificent theme, though to tell the truth, I can’t remember what theme it is. Voices are strewn about pretty liberally, but never manage to get annoying. The difficulty of the game is maybe a bit lacking (it’s no Zelda 2), but it’s certainly not an easy quest to complete.

I’d love to ramble on some more about the Minish Cap, but I already did it once. Go back and check the January 2005 archive page. It’s got an even more long-winded spiel than I’ve put out here, so the inquisitive should definitely check that out. No bones about it, if you have a GBA/DS and you don’t own this game, you’re seriously depriving yourself.

~ #3 ~

Mario Kart DS

Mario Kart has always been the kart racing game that all the other kart racing games want to be. It’s easy to see why, too. Mario Kart has always had the two essential ingredients for a great game: fun and simplicity. Racing sims are way too hard for those of us who are no so hardcore, and we need something to satiate our needs for speed. Mario Kart does just the trick, as just about anyone can pick it up and get halfway good within a matter of minutes.

While the game itself is excellent, there is only one reason that Mario Kart DS got as high a ranking as it did: the Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection. You may think me a bit pompous when I say that Mario Kart DS is an extremely important game. For a company that went a good five years or so saying that online play is unimportant, Nintendo sure did build some massive hype over the launch of the Nintendo WFC. Not only were people buying into it, but that fact that Mario Kart, a universally loved game, would be the first Nintendo game to enter the good graces of online play. Of course, this went over huge, and the whole world is abuzz with Mario Kart fever. While there are a few limits on what you can do online, it’s still an excellent diversion from trying to find people to play with locally.

But the online play isn’t the only saving grace of Mario Kart DS. No, the single player experience is full of greatness, jam-packed with more features that your tiny little brain could imagine. Most notably is the fact that there are twice as many courses as Mario Kart usually presents. Sure, half of them are taken from the past games in the series (four each), but that still adds up to an amazing amount of racing. There are also missions this time around, some of them strange, some of them mind-bendingly difficult. To top that off, you’ve got actual bosses. That’s right. Diddy Kong Racing tried and failed, but Mario Kart DS has successfully mixed bosses into the kart racing world. Battle mode, while not available online, has been extended to include eight players rather than the normal four. This may not seem like a huge change, but the games are way more frantic when you’ve got eight people launching shells and bananas at once.

For the hard sell, look at it this way: I’m not a fan at all of racing games, but Mario Kart has always been so accessible that even a guy like me can really get into it. I’d say that Mario Kart DS is the DS game to own, but It’d be pretty redundant, as anyone in their right mind who owns a Nintendo DS has this game. Especially now that it comes bundled with the hot red DS.

~ #2 ~

Killer7

Killer7, how much do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I made a conscious decision when Killer7 was released that I wouldn’t buy it. To this day, I’ve kept that vow, but not a day goes by that I don’t regret it. I would trade all the half-baked Mario spin-offs and impulse buys in my GC library for this single game. Ever since I returned it to Blockbuster video, I wish I’d bought Killer7. I’m probably the last guy on Earth to know anything about love, but I’m pretty sure that when you think about something every day, there’s something pretty significant there.

Killer7 is easily one of the most off-the-wall games ever created. The story is deeper than the Grand Canyon, and intricate enough to confuse even the rocketingest of scientists. Many little bits of the plot are omitted, and the information they do give you is all out of order, so just understanding the story is challenge enough. Then they add a thick layer of highly stylized graphics on top and flesh it all out with some excellent audio, and you’ve definitely got the whole package. Oh, and did I mention that the gameplay rocks too? Yeah, it does. While the game places you on a rail, and only lets you travel backwards and forwards (and change direction at junctions of course), there is still a huge sense of exploration, as the stages are impressively large and contain a great many paths to travel. The core gameplay is shooting, and the fact that your enemies are naturally invisible just makes it that much more exhilarating. A quick scan will bring them into the visible realm, however, and then it’s just a quick draw competition to see if you can cap their weak points before they get to close and make your head a splode.

Killer7 Really has everything a great game needs. It presents fantastic production values, has a story solid enough to compare to Donny Darko, and is just a blast to play. Not to mention that it’s pretty tough, and gets insane on Hard mode. There are a couple unlockable modes too, if the regular game isn’t enough to quench your thirst for excellent gameplay. But there’s no way you’ll walk away from this one disappointed. If you do, you’re lame. And I really need to go pick this one up.

~ #1 ~

Resident Evil 4

Obvious? Yes. Deserving? Totally. If you didn’t see this one coming a mile away, you need to get your eyes checked. Resident Evil 4 brings so many upgrades to the series that it’s almost an entirely different game. You know what? Scratch that. It is an entirely different game.

The original Resident Evil might have been harder than adamantium, but it was a breath of fresh air for those of use who needed something a little different. Nearly every sequel improved on the formula, with the only exceptions being the Gun Survivor spin-offs (which sucked) and the online games (which I can’t judge, cause I haven’t played either). While other sequels and remakes made small improvements here and there, RE4 takes the idea and completely re-moulds it. Tying in only loosely with older games through a couple characters and some mention of previous events, RE4 literally takes you out of the Resident Evil world. No longer are you fighting for survival against zombies in Raccoon city. Now, you’re thrown into a rural European village, where the locals have been consumed by parasites and are out for blood. The static camera is gone, and now you can aim in more directions than straight, up and down. The inventory system is totally reinvented, letting you carry as many items as you can squeeze into your attache case, rather than having to try to get by with 6-8 item slots. Typewriters are still your saving tool, but item boxes are gone, and you’re no longer forced to find seven billion different keys. Bullets are more plentiful than ever now that enemies drop items, but you’ll still manage to run out now and then.

The game all comes together under what might be the best graphics ever and some seriously spooky tunes, and some top-tier voice work. There are plenty of things to keep you occupied should you become tired of the main game, and of course, there’s a hard mode that will have you ripping your hair out. The game was originally released exclusively for the GameCube, but due to it’s immense success (this game most definitely sold more than a few GameCubes), it’s recently been ported to the PS2. One might expect that on a technologically inferior console, Capcom would have had to make some concessions in the graphics department, but as far as I’ve heard it’s as pretty as ever and doesn’t even suffer from slowdown (like the PS2 Killer7 apparently does). Add on a handful of significant extras, and you’re set to impress.


There’s one thing that I have to get through before I finish. Sadly, the list became out-of-date even before I finished it. See, I had it written out to about number seven, and let it fall to the wayside for a couple weeks before I finished up. In that time, I was able to find and obtain Trauma Center, and I played a couple games that I definitely would have put on the list had it not already been decided, namely Prince of Persia: the Two Thrones and Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland. But alas, the list was intended for games I played in 2005, and those two didn’t come to my attention until 2006. Oh well. Also, it’s really hard to remember all the games I played over the course of the year, so I’m sure there’s at least one deserving title I forgot.

And speaking of deserving titles, some that come immediately to mind include: Jump Superstars (DS), Metal Gear Solid 3 (PS2), Meteos (DS), Kirby Canvas Curse (DS), and shadow of the Colossus (PS2). While many skeptics thought it would die off quickly and made fun of its “small” launch lineup, the DS has had an absolutely mind-blowing year, pumping out all sorts of great games. And with my acquisition of my own PS2, I’ve certainly been exposed to many more games that I would have if I’d stuck it out with only my Nintendos by my side. The more the merrier, you know?

I feel kind of bad that there wasn’t a little more variety on the list, but that’s kind of what you get for playing mostly the same kinds of games, I guess. you’re thinking it, but you should know that I didn’t rate the games on fanboyism alone. No. If that had been the case, there would have been a lot more Ninja Turtles 3: Mutant Nightmare on it. I picked my games based on either how much time I spent with them, and how much I want to play them when I’m doing something else. Heck, on that latter note alone, Killer7 should have taken first, but I’ve gotta be fair. Seriously. I think about Killer7 and how much I love it all the time. I really should have bought it… In any case, I’ll be keeping a list of games that I play in 2006 so that I’ll have an easier time coming up with the ten best when December rolls around.

The first paragraph contains gross. You were warned.

I just saw the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen on children’s programming. It was this frightening dancing puppet that was a dead ringer for the infamous Brian Peppers, just with popsicle stick arms. Chills me to the bone. After a little research, I fould a picture of the monster. A bit small, but you get the idea.

In other news, went to a hockey game last night. Kickass game, the Moose raped the Peoria Rivermen 6 to 1, and there were some fantastic goals; the first in particular. But there was one thing bugging me the whole time: Peoria. Sound familiar? And to top that off, their logo resembles Stan from American Dad. It left me pondering if by chance Seth McFarlane was the owner of the team. Also, at one point there was a “wave” going around for like 3 minutes, and I lost three precious minutes of hockey because it was so damned entrancing. Did I mention that the box seats at the MTS Centre are ultra-posh?

The best part of the game, however, was during the last two minutes. Seriously, 1:06 left on the clock and a brawl breaks out. At first it’s just the standard two guys throwing down, but then a couple more guys start throwing punches, and finally a third pair starts trying to beat each other’s face in. It was magical. Anyone who says hockey is boring needs to go to a Moose game. I’ve never been disappointed, and that’s even without the beer. (Seriously, it’s too goddamned expensive.)

The Ryanland Horror

So I just watched “The Amityville Horror”. Not a great movie, but it had some disturbing imagery, so I’m satisfied. The ghosts and the basement scene towards the end gave off a really strong Silent Hill vibe, and that’s actually a movie I really want to see. I don’t like the Silent Hill games for gameplay value so much as the atmosphere and storytelling, which is different for me, because usually I don’t give two shits about the story and whatnot. With that in mind, I believe that it could make the move to the big screen faily well. But anyway, onto the main point of the post.

I’ll admit it, “scary” movies (excluding slashers) do strike some irrational fear into my heart. I don’t have any idea why, but I always have trouble with darkness and sleeping after a horror flick, no matter how cheezy/stupid/boring it is. You may think less of me for this, but that’s the way it’s always been. I’m trying to overcome it (I’m typing this in the dark), but the fear is always there. The wierd thing is, I’ve never been scared by a videogame, even if they contain essentially the same things as the movies that send chills down my spine. I mean, SH4 should scare the living daylights out of me, cause it’s filled with ghosts and horrid imagery (To be fair, there is a single room in the game that I refuse to enter, because it does creep the hell out of me), but no such fear. Even the first Silent Hill should be horrifying even though its graphical prowess is limited, but again, nothing.

I do have a sort of conclusion though. See, in the games, I’m always in control, and I’m able to defeat, overcome or escape anything that threatens me. Thusly, my brain interperets that if anything like that were to come at me, I should be able to defeat it as I did in the game, even though it may have involved some crazy voodoo magic which I don’t happen to possess. The movies however, do not put me in control, and as such I’ve never tackled those forces even indirectly. It’s always someone else doing the dirty work, and more often than not, the movie ends with the evil still intact, ready to get revenge on whoever may still be alive or plotting for its next victim. Since the antagonist is rarely vanquished in the movies, I subconsciously think that there would be no hope to escape such a menace, should it happen to be real. I know that nothing like this can actually happen, but unfortunately, that little voice in the back of my head wants to believe it could, so it ends up poisoning my entire psyche in the end. It may be hard to comprehend what I’m trying to get across, since you’re not privy to my thoughts, but I’ve explained it to the best of my ability. Hell, you’d probably go out of you mind if you had to decipher all my thoughts.

But anyway, that’s just something I needed to get out into the open. I even feel a little more comfortable now that I’ve got it off my chest. As a reward for reading this drivel, I’ll tell you a secret. The article will be up later today. I kinda slacked off today, but it’s almost done. If you didn’t read the whole spiel, then shame shame double shame on you for cheating and skipping to the last paragraph to see if there was any article news there. Also, this week’s comic is going to be hilarious. At least, that’s what we think.