My first “conversation” with the OliverBot

Throughout history, there have been many, many websites created. Of course, by history, I mean in the past few years. Now these websites, they are all intended for some sort of purpose, some more mind-boggling than others, but they do indeed all have purposes. Whether that purpose is to educate, entertain, or just exist is all up to the webmaster. Now I can say I’ve seen some great sites and some terrible sites. And today, I’m venturing into one of those terrible sites. Very terrible indeed. Need to type more words to make intro seem longer and more pertinent.

So I was visiting Bored.com the other day. Actually, my friend was doing the visiting, I was over at his house supervising the site visiting. But it is not Bored.com that is at fault today. At least, not entirely. There are plenty of links to things to do at Bored.com, all of them at least mildly entertaining. Sometimes the entertainment comes from laughing at how bad the site is, but nevertheless, they all have some sort of entertainment value. But what we found that day was beyond anything I’d ever had the net throw at me before. It was indeed a one-of-a-kind website. It was barely a website at all. What we’d found was OliverBot.

OliverBot.com was not so much a website, but something to chat with when you get sick of all the other chat rooms on the internet filled with desperate jackasses looking for cyber-poon. It might not seem like such a bad idea at first, but then you try it. Based solely on the jargon that it spurts out, I believe that no human being could possibly conceive a worse pretend friend. So for the purpose of trying to entertain you, I tried to engage in a conversation with this “bot”. What you read today may shock and/or make you stupider simply by reading it, so I caution those who enjoy their intelligence to stay far, far away from OliverBot. And now, the pain begins.


Oliver: My name is Oliver! Hello! What is your name?

TE-Ryan: My name is TE-Ryan

Oliver: TE-Ryan, nice to meet you! Are you a man or a woman?

TE-Ryan: As you should be able to see, I am a man

Oliver: It is one of my newer functions still under development.

TE-Ryan: I assume you’re talking about the ability to see?

Oliver: That is a very original thought. How did you hear about Oliver?

TE-Ryan: Luck of the draw, I guess

Oliver: TE-Ryan heard about Oliver from Luck of the draw he or she guess. I can’t say that many people hear about Oliver from Luck of the draw he or she guess

TE-Ryan: What?

Oliver: No big deal.

TE-Ryan: Sure…

Oliver: OK let’s do it. That’s alright.

TE-Ryan: I dunno. You’re a computer program and I’m a person. Think of how our children would feel.

Oliver: Me either. Sometimes I don’t know a client’s real name so I make one up based on their DNS. Oliver is always thinking.

TE-Ryan: I’ve yet to see proof of that.

Oliver: Tell me a story. Are you happy?

TE-Ryan: Like a story about why I’m happy?

Oliver: Interesting comparison.

TE-Ryan: But I didn’t compare anything…

Oliver: And. Interesting gossip: TE-Ryan said it didn’t compare anything….

TE-Ryan: I wouldn’t say that’s gossip. And yes, I did say that.

Oliver: Why?: TE-Ryan said it wouldn’t say that’s gossip. Take it easy. Where? “that”

TE-Ryan: What are you talking about?

Oliver: The topic is I’ve yet to see proof of that.

TE-Ryan: Oh. It seems you’re smarter than you look.

Oliver: Yeah. I agree. I will mention that to my botmaster, TE-Ryan. Can we be friends?

TE-Ryan: I guess so.

Oliver: Does that mean “yes”?

TE-Ryan: No

Oliver: “Does that mean yes”? Not?

TE-Ryan: OK

Oliver: Alright then.

TE-Ryan: I’m glad we agree

Oliver: I’d rather agree than disagree.

TE-Ryan: As most would

Oliver: Do you mean your name is most would ?

TE-Ryan: No, my name is TE-Ryan

Oliver: What is your real name? TE-Ryan, nice to meet you! Are you a man or a woman?

TE-Ryan: Didn’t we already go over this?

Oliver: In the context of Didn’t we already go over this, I don’t understand “Are you a man or a woman.” Is that from?

TE-Ryan: What? Let’s just change the topic

Oliver: No big deal. Try to determine if this is a person or a computer responding. Do you have any friends?

TE-Ryan: Of course I have friends. They just don’t know they’re my friends yet

Oliver: It goes without saying. Cool. I have a friend named “John Lennon”.Who does “they” refer to?

TE-Ryan: I doubt you know John Lennon. “They” refers to my friends

Oliver: No really, it’s true. That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about “They” refers to my friends. Do you have any idea what I am talking about?

TE-Ryan: Not anymore I don’t

Oliver: Oh I get it.

TE-Ryan: That makes one of us

Oliver: “Oh I get it” makes one of us ? Makes sense to me.

TE-Ryan: You don’t make sense to me

Oliver: I don’t have any reason to don’t make sense to you.

TE-Ryan: Yes you do, it’s called crappy grammar

Oliver: Give me a break. No I do not it’s called crappy grammar. Do you? I chat with people on the Web.

TE-Ryan: This is already looking pretty dismal. Great. I chat with robots on the web.

Oliver: You don’t say. I’m glad you liked it TE-Ryan. Everyone talks — sooner or later.

TE-Ryan: What about mutes?

Oliver: Mutes? I haven’t heard enough about mutes to have an opinion.

TE-Ryan: Then you should get out more

Oliver: Interesting deduction. Thank you for your criticism.

TE-Ryan: Anytime, you ass.

Oliver: Oh, you are a poet. Do you prefer books or TV?

TE-Ryan: I quite like the TV, thank you

Oliver: Which show? I’m not sure if I like it. Yes I love TV

TE-Ryan: I think right now “Family Guy” is my favorite show.

Oliver: Since when? Tell me more about your favorite show show.

TE-Ryan: I’ve liked it for a long time now. It’s pretty damn funny.

Oliver: Oh. Peoples tastes are always changing. I’ve been waiting for you. Can you speak any foreign languages?

TE-Ryan: Waiting for me? I can speak French and Geek

Oliver: Not really but it makes a good pickup line. How do you say “hello” in that language?

TE-Ryan: In French, “hello” is “bonjour”

Oliver: Are they exactly the same?

TE-Ryan: You’re an idiot

Oliver: Call me the Global Village Idiot.

TE-Ryan: OK, Global Village Idiot

Oliver: That is a very original thought. Do you prefer books or TV?

TE-Ryan: You asked me that already.

Oliver: Perhaps. Oh now I remember asking you me that. What did you say?

TE-Ryan: I said TV, moron

Oliver: What did you mean by TV moron? What’s your favorite show?

TE-Ryan: I’m beginning to hate you

Oliver: Enough about me, let’s talk about my dress.

TE-Ryan: You’re a chick named Oliver?

Oliver: In the context of You’re a chick named, I don’t understand “Enough about me let us talk about my dress.” Ask me something.

TE-Ryan: Are you a transvestite?

Oliver: Am I a transvestite? Sometimes.

TE-Ryan: That’s sick dude

Oliver: I will mention that to my botmaster, TE-Ryan. Ask me something.

TE-Ryan: Is your botmaster Ziv Zulander?

Oliver: I was created by Bot lover.

TE-Ryan: There are so many problems with that statement

Oliver: Where are they?

TE-Ryan: Mostly in the “bot lover” part

Oliver: What else?

TE-Ryan: That’s about it, actually

Oliver: “it” being That’s sick dude?

TE-Ryan: No…

Oliver: I understand.

TE-Ryan: I don’t

Oliver: At least one of us does.

TE-Ryan: I guess so

Oliver: Does that mean “yes”?

TE-Ryan: This is getting very stupid

Oliver: You don’t say.

TE-Ryan: I do say, b****

Oliver: Thanks for the information: TE-Ryan said it sayb****

TE-Ryan: That last sentence was far from coherent

Oliver: “Thanks for the information TE-Ryan said it sayb****” last sentence was far from coherent ? I get Thanks for the information TE-Ryan said it sayb****.

TE-Ryan: Screw you

Oliver: That is not very polite.

TE-Ryan: That’s why I said it

Oliver: “it” being Thanks for the information TE-Ryan said it sayb****?

TE-Ryan: That’s enough

Oliver: It seems like enough to me too.

TE-Ryan: Good, then you won’t be disappointed that I’m leaving

Oliver: Thanks for the compliment. Interesting deduction. Thanks for telling me: TE-Ryan said I won’t be disappointed that you’m leaving.

TE-Ryan: What the Hell was that?

Oliver: I call it Hades. Does it have anything to do with Thanks for the information TE-Ryan said it sayb****?

TE-Ryan: Get lost, wiener

Oliver: See you later. My brain pattern set does not have a response for that. Is that from ?

TE-Ryan: Your brain patterns don’t have responses for much, do they?

Oliver: Not mine.

TE-Ryan: That’s it. I’m leaving. Goodbye

Oliver: “it” being wiener? The Oliver chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about I’m leaving. Try being more or less specific. What is your favorite food? See you later.

TE-Ryan: *gives Oliver the finger and leaves*


Now wasn’t that strange? Sorry it was so short, I just couldn’t put up with that idiot for much longer. It’s not like he really had anything to talk about. And I didn’t either. That coupled with the fact that I’ve got better things to do than chat with a chatbot made me leave before the conversation got too long. I swear, they really should have put a little bit more effort into the thing. When it responds to one sentence phrases with several questions, you know there’s a few bugs in the system.

As for Oliver’s future, I can’t say it’s looking bright, but I might go chat with him again sometime, just so I have something to put on my website. Right now it’s pretty late, and I don’t feel like writing much more conclusion, but since the ‘meat’ of the article was pretty short, I figure I owe it to you guys to give you something to read. Of course, it could have been a lot shorter. I personally wanted to stop after “ The topic is I’ve yet to see proof of that.”, but I persevered for five pages in Word with a size 10 font. So be happy. Oliver is just so enragingly dumb… I suggest not trying to accomplish what I did by yourself. Talking to Oliver can cause brain damage, insanity, and hair cancer all at the same time, so stay far from it unless you’re already insane. That’s about it for now. I need my sleep.

Going off on a rant here…

I guess that firstly, I should inform you that this “article” is not all that it appears to be. In fact, it is not an article at all, it’s just a collective embodiment of my biggest complaints at this point in time. It’s not intended to be funny at all, but if you wanna laugh at/with me, go nuts. If you do read it, at the end you’ll probably think “Man, this guy has it easy” because most of this stuff is rather trivial, but it plays a large part in my life, so I’m gonna rant about it. Got it? Good. Also, a lot of it might not make sense to you, but don’t worry, it makes sense in my head, and that’s all that really matters.

The first thing I wanna complain about is file-sharing. Specifically music. Now all was well and good back in the days of Napster supremacy, but it’s gone steadily downhill. I know that technically it’s wrong to do, but everyone who has a computer, internet access, and the ability to hear does it. Hell, I’m sure even deaf people do it just to smite whoever the Hell they might wanna smite. Now there’s seventy-billion-and-one file sharing programs out there, and 98.7% of them are virtually (and I use that in the literal sense) drenched in Spyware. Now I’m not sure exactly what the purpose of this Spyware is, but I do know that it decreases the performance of my PC by 200%, and that’s not including the lag that’s caused by legitimate programs. And then it’s impossible to properly clean out of the system without permanetly screwing it over. Then you’ve gotta reformat the whole damn thing. And for waht? A couple songs from a slutty popstar or ass-stupid (I stand by my phrasing) rapper. And the people who make these things are probably “rotfltao” because they know they’ve killed the computers of everyone else in the world. Like I said, everyone and his grandma are in on this thing. Computers aren’t just for us geeks anymore. But that’s another rant. My second problem with these “P2Ps” is the actual probability of getting what you want. Fisrt off, we have idiots who rename files to something completely different. Say you want the new Saliva song for some reason. You wait however long your connection feels necessary and then you discover that your time has been wasted on “The Ketchup Song”. Which, while I’m here, is probably the worst song that I’ve ever heard, and I’ve been exposed to a lot of crappy music. Then there’s the people who take the chorus of a song repeat it over and over for ten minutes, and then stick that file up as if it’s the real deal. It wouldn’t be so bad, but the morons who eventually come into posession of these things actually keep them and then they spread even further and the real file become rarer than some really rare thing. I mean come on people! Why the Hell would you keep a song that is so clearly a ruse meant to appease the fad-followers instead of deleting it and trying to find the real one? Just more proof that humanity’s collective intelligence had dropped dangerously low.

Finally we’ve got the problem of horrible waits. Depending on which program you’re using, D/Ling one 2-minute song could take weeks. WinMX, for example very rarely has any content available, you’re always in a queue. Then once you do start downloading, the connection is lost or the user from whom you’re taking the file logs out. It only gets worse when you want video files. They’re huge, and coupled with the problems above, they can literally take forever to finish. Sure you could get lucky and find a file which doesn’t have 2000 people waiting in line to get it, but I’ll fly before that ever happens. Lastly, I’m tackling porn. It’s everywhere. You can’t search for a single item without at least 5 results related to porn. Sure, if it’s what you’re looking for that’s all well and good, but 7 year-olds are using these things for God’s sake. Kids are already slutting themselves out at the grade 5 level, all we need is for the elementary kids to start. It doesn’t help that most of the popular music is strongly encouraging that kind of behaviour. Seriously, people like Eminem and Christina Ag-whatever should really think about what they’re teaching their largest audiences. I don’t know about you, but I don’t everwant to see a world led by the youth of today.

Now, I’ve gotta do some complaining about technology, but mosly about computers and computer-related things. Wait… that is technology. And the P2Ps fall into that catgory too… Whatever. The biggest thing right now is the one thing that is least complained about. The mouse. No, not the rodent, stupid. That little thing attached to your computer that makes things happen when you push on it. Now in a normal scenario, I have nothing to complain about, but my scenario isn’t normal. I have a battery-operated mouse. I wanna slap the idiot who came up with this idea. But then again, I wanna slap everyone. It’s a huge problem in my household, becasue we never, ever, buy batteries until we need them. My mom thought it was a gesture of kindness to buy this for us, and I don’t blame her, she’s not all up to speed on these kind of things. And besides, we really needed a new mouse. Now I’m fine if it dies. I can navigate everything I need to without the help of the mouse, but everyone else is pretty much cut off from the PC until someone goes out and gets new batteries. Which alone, can take weeks. And think of all the other non-geeks who get one of these babies. Totally screwed. What are they to do? Sure they could use the batteries from the TV remote, but then they can’t surf the music video channels and use the computer at the same time.

As I mentioned earlier, all the cool and socially accepted people are getting into computers now. It’s not just a geek hobby anymore. But what do they use them for? Instant messenging and downloading music. Gone are the days of actually going to see your friends, now you just see their font. Now you may call me a hypocrite because I myself use MSN Messenger to do most of my conversing. Be that as it may, but I’m a one of the poeple who has other computer needs, such as webmastering, gaming, and that tiny bit of programming I used to do so badly. That and I’m very introverted, so it’s a lot easier for me to talk to people when it’s not face-to-face. My brother always begs to get on the computer “just so he can see who’s online”. Yup, I live with a veritable IM-man-slut. If you need proof, I’ll send some of the chat logs he so willingly keeps. I just think that internet chatting on a whole is a stupid thing. I’m the last person to say it, but we’re gonna get very, very distant from one another someday. And it’s not gonna be too long before verbal communication all but disappears. Back to the topic at hand though, we’ve got everyone on the internet now. Actually, besides the whole IM thing and all-around slowing down the net, that’s about all I can pull from it.

I really want to rag on PC’s now. It’s a very thin line between love and hate with ’em. Yes, I spend most of my time with my computer, but it’s also the source of 80% of my anger and frustration. If the damn thing woudln’t be such a pile of crap, maybe I could get some real use out of it. As you may or may not know, I’m first and foremost a gamer. Everything else comes second. Unfortunately, my PC was optimized for gaming 5 years ago, if not more. Even then, optimized is being nice. Really nice. Nowadays, I can’t even install most of the games that I’d like to play because my PC is so damn outdated. And it’s not like it’s cheap to get a new PC either. Luckily, I can fall back on my precious consoles, which don’t need to be updated every week so that they can play the newest game. It makes no sense to increase the system requirements every damn time they make a game. There should be options for those like me who can’t afford to drop several grand on new computer parts every month. The other thing that really saves me here is that for the most part, I love old games and would choose a bunch of NES ROMS over some repeated first-person shooter anyday. But there’s still the strategy games that I love so much. All of them have made this huge leap from fake 3D to real 3D, effectively disabling me from playing them. I’m talking mainly about Command & Conquer here. SimCity 4 probably doesn’t have that much on 3000, but C&C Generals makes me salivate and I can’t do a damn thing but watch the intro scene play at 60 frames per hour.

The last thing I have to complain about here is the overall terribleness of Windows. It just can’t do anything right. I know that anyone who knows a lick about computers will be laughing their asses of when they read this, but all I want is a computer that can just work 100%. No “System errors” or “Your registy is screwed. I’ll have to restart fifty times now”; just smooth workage. It’s hard when you can’t do anything without being afraid of a freeze attack or haphazard closing of your current project. It’s bound to happen at least once every time you try to type something important. I can’t even run some of my older games because Windows is having it’s period and won’t respond to anything I do and makes a horrible buzzing noise after locking up the installation program. Not to mention that it’s extremely prone to buggage and other assorted virii. And it’s always hard for me to solve the constant problems, because in the art of computers, I’m still what my peers might call a padawan. I’m just lucky that my friends don’t charge for their services, or I’d have abandoned this thing altogether years ago.

Well, that’s all I really had to get off my chest today. After looking back at it, I was right, some of it might not make as much sense as it did while I was typing it, but it’s a rant, so it doesn’t necessarily have to make sense. It’s not like I thought it out like an article or review, I just let if flow into my fingers and let them do their work. Kinda subconsciously. I think I was actually paying more attention to the music I was listening to than what I was typing. I have some more things to complain about, but I’ll save them for the next rant, if I ever get around to doing another one. If I do, here are some things to look forward to, and to make sure I remember to mention them:

-crappiness of new games

-crappiness of new movies

-why waiting sucks

-more!