Pokémon – Page 15

I thought I had you

So I spent the better part of yesterday playing a couple Nintendo 64 games. Why? mostly because I felt like reminiscing and enjoying some really great titles (despite what some may want you to believe, the 64 had a ton of killer games). Also, my friends and I were chatting briefly about Kirby 64, and the topic of how round things shouldn’t be made of polygons (or some such thing) came up. That note made me curious about how well exactly they made that work back in the day. The answer, I’ll get to in a sec. That’s actually one of the main reasons I’m making this post.

Now, I was mostly playing games that came out near the end of the 64’s lifespan, and I’ve got to say that the graphics are startlingly adequate. Sure, there have been huge leaps in graphical quality in the last two generations, but were they really that necessary? Just take a look at two choice titles: Pokémon Stadium 2 and Kirby 64. If you boot up either of those games, you’ll probably be surprised at how nice they look. Pokémon Stadium 2 in particular has some very impressive character models, which look like they could have come out of a lower-end GC game. And the Kirby issue? Quite frankly, Kirby is impressively round, considering he’s made out of decidedly not-round polygons. I’m pretty sure most of the round enemies are just made of rotating 2D circles (I forget what that’s called, or if it even has a name), but Kirby is the real deal, and he looks (and moves) great.

Given, both of those games are pretty easy on the system otherwise, so I suppose grahpic quality could possibly have been optimized because of that. But then again, Conker’s Bad Fur Day and Donkey Kong 64 both had huge environments and a lot going on, as well as fantastic (for the hardware) visuals, so I guess that’s a bit of a moot point.

I’m not sure where I was going to go with this, but it seems like I’m trying to say something along the lines of how I was more than satisfied with where graphics were at around seven years ago. Yeah, smoother textures and higher poly counts are nice and all, but we haven’t seen a single Kirby game since the 64 era where you can mix powers, so what’s up with that? Oh man, and if you could mix powers and have more than one attack per power? That would kick so much ass that my head hurts thinking about it. Come on Nintendo, I know you’re cooking up a Kirby game for the Wii. Indulge me! Or at least release Kirby 64 on the Virtual Console so I don’t have to play it on these shitty, shitty emulators… Also, classic Game Boy games would be nice too.

Oh right, and jus’ta let ya’ll know, Wario: Master of Disguise? Not so great. Parish was a little harder on it than I would say needed be, but it most certainly does not live up to the majesty that is Wario Land 2 (best classic GB game EVAR), or even WL3 for that matter, which I found was the weakest of the series.

This post took me exactly half an hour to write.

The Super Article – Triple Surprise Bags!

It’s here, everyone! The “Super-Article” I’ve been teasing you about is finally upon us! And it’s not so super after all! Ha ha! You’ve all been duped and I am a genius. Hey, why don’t we just forget about all my attempted hype and get to the article. Yeah, it’s about surprise bags. You all love them, so here’s a really big article about them with big pictures, some package scans, and even a video. This is gonna be the best article ever!

The surprise bags are getting to be sort of a mainstay on the ol’ site, and I’m thinking that they’re gonna be sticking around for quite some time to come. I mean, they’re easy to review, and there’s always a cornucopia of interesting stuff inside ’em. Movies are tougher to review (at least for me) and video games usually end up being way too similar to one another, so surprise bags are a good alternative.

The only problem is reviewing the same kind of surprise bag. See, the first time you do one, you’ve got the bag and stuff to review as well as the contents, but the second time, you’ve gotta skip the bag or paraphrase what you said last time. Course, you could always think up new stuff to say, but that’s aside from my point. It’s time to bust out a new type of surprise bag. We’ve seen the legendary Nintendo Surprise and Dick Turtle has spawned two articles, now you will tremble in fear as I introduce the Surprise Sac Bag!!

Yeah, I know. It’s really just Surprise Bag. But some fools out there who don’t know French might be confused into thinking that it’s actually called a Sac Bag. Though really, “sac” should have a “k” at the end, but I’m just reaching now. And it’s only been three and a half paragraphs so far. So now that I’m off to a terrible start, let’s take a look at some package scans! The most logical place to start would be the front of the bag. So there it is. Time to do some reviewin’.

Well, this one’s got a clown on it. Not quite as cool as Nintendo characters, and not nearly as inconsistent as Dick Turtle, but he certainly fits the bill. I think. I mean, clowns are known for entertaining kids, and the bag is for kids and stuff. So it works out. It also makes sure we know that the bag contains toys and candy by having it printed on the bag a thousand times. There are even a several spinning tops pictured on the bag, so I’m hoping that I get me a spinnin’ top. I love them tops. But I don’t love TopMan. Particularly TopMan.EXE. Stupid old geezer.

The back of the bag is just as eventless as the front, and maybe even a bit less entertaining. Among the few bits of information we can glean from the back, we noticed that this particular line of surprise bags is produced in Quebec. Later on, you’ll find that the origin of the contents of the bag might be a little more… overseas. Anywho, the back also sports ingredient lists (which would help show that the edible contents are standardized) and a Nutrition Facts box. There is no nutrition in candy, so it’s really just showing how much sugar is in the stuff. Yeah. Asinine, I know. But it’s standard protocol, I guess.

But enough of that crap. There’s nothing on the back to talk about. So let’s see what’s inside this baby.

Notice immediately the lack of spinning top. I am both disappointed and filled with rage. But there is quite a bit of interesting looking crap there, so we’ll take a closer look and find out just what’s going down. That big red bubble thing is just calling out to me.

First up we’ve got a buncha candies. The package says that they’re called “Chik”. Stange name for a candy. A little too strange if you ask me. They seem to be produced by a company called Gomy, but this Gomy is an elusive fellow. I searched and searched, but the best I could come up with is this. Elusive indeed. Perhaps they should rather be called… um… I don’t know. But to get back to the candy, the Chiks are actually gum rather than candy. They’re not too bad, and have a surprising longevity as far as retaining flavour goes. The downside being that not only do they resemble cinderblocks in shape, but also in toughness. My teeth would have probably been better off if I were chewing on a brick.

Wow. Just looking at it makes me think of the good times. I don’t know why, though, because this round lump of plastic is like the biggest mystery I’ve never solved. It’s got a ring stuck into one end, so I’m guessing that it’s supposed to go on your finger or something. But that’s about as far as I get. It might be some kind of very low-budget water squirting device, but it doesn’t lend itself very well to being squashed. Hell, it could even be part of some group of objects that were split up and placed in random surprise bags to be spread around the world and then collected and assembled to grant you a wish or something. No, wait. That’s a Dragon Ball. Damn. So much for my lead.

If you have any idea whatsoever of what this doodad might be, I urge you to send me any information you might have. Not knowing what this thing is will plague me until the end of time! I request your aid for the greater good! Or something like that. Until then, I’ll just go around sporting a bulbous hunk of plastic on my finger in hopes that some passerby will be able to identify it for me.

These, my friends, are Gestitos. While it sounds similar, they are not in fact tiny burritos. Rest assured, the world weeps right along with you. What they are is… well, foreign hard candy. While I can’t find anything at all about the candy, according to a Google search, “Gestito” seems to be some sort of Spanish slang. And Urban Dictionary didn’t help much either (not that I truly believed it would), but I do love to get in a good man nap every once in a while.

To summarize, the Gestitos are pretty good. I ate an orange one. I didn’t even open the others to see if there are different flavours. Why? Well, there’s a chance that these are infected with many different diseases, what with coming from a Spanish country and all (Would you consider that racist?), and I’m only taking as much for the team as I have to so that I can file a decent report, not even a tiny bit more. That means I’m only going to ingest one piece of any types of candy that are contained within the confines of a surprise bag. Except Nintendo surprise. Nintendo doesn’t have a reputation for spreading foodborne illnesses. Yet.

OOH! A lion! And it’s one of those rare white lions to boot! Look at that display of majesty and his king-of-the-jungleness as he stalks his prey of stray hairs and Dorito crumbs. I should probably vacuum my floor every once in a decade. Well then. Maybe the white lion isn’t as impressive as I thought it to be. Or as rare.

Chupa Chups. Nummy nummy. Chupa Chups. Some people are freaks.

I was a little disappointed at the false rarity of the white lion, but here’s a rare beast for the aaaages. Entei! King of Fire! But alas, Entei is most certainly not Pokémon number 93. This I know because I am a loo-hoo-hooser. Also known as “grown man who likes Pokémon”. Meh. I’m not the only one.

The Entei disc-thing is a little curious not only in it’s numerical error, but also because while it touts that it was made in the U.S.A. I have a really hard time believing that claim. Do you want to know why? Well, I’ll tell you a bit later once we get some more evidence rounded up. As they say, “gotta catch ’em all”. It makes sense in my head.

And so concludes this surprise bag. Ah, but wait, I promised a Super Article with bigger pictures, scans, and a video? Well I most certainly delivered on the bigger pictures bit, and did a half-assed job of scanning stuff, but I guess you caught me on the video bit. You could have also gotten me by noting that the length is hardly even fit for a sidekick, nevermind a full-fledged Super Article. Well, if you think it’s really over, I’ve got a surprise for you. That is, if you didn’t already just scroll through the whole page looking at the pictures. You cheater. I oughta have you banned. But nay, you shall get what I deserve, and have to read about…

Two more Surprise Sac Bags! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha! The look on your face is most delicious! Soon you will be consumed by the monstrous monstrosity that is the rest of this article! Prepare for DOOM, infidels! DOOOOOOOM! Hey, I warned you in the title. You signed the proverbial waiver.

So I noticed something interesting on the back of the packages. Check this out.

A HAH! I knew it. Those dirty Mexicans (literally, I have nothing against them except for the filth, really) are behind this, and only using Quebec as a front! And I bet those damn separatists are happy to help the Mexicans peddle this shit (n. Things; items.). This also further proves that the Entei disc was not made in the U.S.A. as it would like to have us believe. And there will be more, my friends. More and more and more and more. And then maybe even some more. But that would be the end of it there.

The second Sac Bag didn’t yield any more spinning top than the first, so I’m putting all my chips on lucky number three. Or third time’s a charm. What?

Yeah, not too much new in this bag, so it’s gonna seem like familiar territory for at least a while. Just keep your limbs and head in the vehicle at all times and try not to vomit on your seating partner.

What a surprise. More Gomy Chiks. but it seems that these ones are of a different race. The last ones were red, and these yellow. But what’s that in the background by that mostly empty CD rack? A purple Chik? This is astonishing, and a very interesting development in what we know about the social lives of Gomy Chiks. It would appear that Chiks will only hang out with those of their own colour. This closely resembles the social habits of the marshmallow Peep, which will only very seldom, almost never even, be seen with Peeps of a different colour. Too many links makes Ryan’s article look boring and too full of links.

Chupa chupa chupa chupa. Chu chu chu? Chupa chupa Chup! Chupaaa… >:(

Cuadri Gum. Of all the things I’ve seen and am going to see, I’m pretty sure this one is going to be the one that is the most essential to Google. And after said Googling, I found one single result. And I’m pretty sure that page wasn’t written with sanity in mind. However, this was using quotations, so I probably could have found more, but we’ll say that the internet doesn’t recognize the existence of Cuadri Gum. Honestly, I got results for gum, and Cuadri, but none for both. I don’t want to eat the Cuadri. Don’t make me eat the Cuadri. Please?

For the sake of good fake journalism, I’m gonna bite the bullet here. After five minutes of trying to separate the wrapper from the gum, I was horrified to find that it was already well moistened. Light was literally gleaning off the wet bits, and I was totally not prepared to put it into my mouth. Hell, touching it scared me enough. But every good captain goes down with his ship, and while that has no relevance to this situation, it’s an honourable gesture. So the gum was gross. At first it tasted like normal, but then it grew more and more vomit-inducing. Here’s a tip. If you ever come across Cuadri Gum, take it to the nearest church, have it exorcised, and then shoot it repeatedly with a bazooka. I swear that this stuff was not made in Mexico, but in Hell itself.

Oh come on! Screw you guys, I’m no eating this one. Though the word “caramelo” did at first trick me into thinking that it may have originated from Italy, I quickly reaffirmed that “caramelo” is Spanish for caramel. I’m not a big fan of caramels anyway. Especially not the suave ones. That’s just what I need, freaking caramels that are better with the ladies than me. Wait… Forget that last one. I’m excellent with the ladies. In fact I have plenty of ladies right here right now. They’re all fighting over me and other things that ladies do. You know. Things.

Oh ho ho. Here’s an interesting one. Since my ability to take pictures ranks up there with my ability to create matter, I scanned the package for all to see. A Google search for Sobre Sorpresa didn’t bring up much, but I did find some Indian graficas. You know. Like tomahawks and teepees and shit. But that’s not important. the tatuajes are where it’s at!

According to the package there, you can look for 60 designs! ¡Colecciònalos! It also describes that it should contain one normal tatuaje, one holographic tatuaje, and a dulce. Whatever a dulce is. Sorry, my Spanish is a bit rusty. Upon closer translation, a dulce is a candy. Unfortunately, this package of things did not contain a candy. I’m thinking there are two possibilities. Firstly, the candy could have fallen out and gotten mixed with the rest of the Surprise Sac Bag stuff (I’m thinking the caramelo). That’s not likely at all though, so I came up with the second possibility: it never contained a dulce at all! Bastardos! Hey… Upon closer inspection, the Sac Bag package itself shows that dulce is Spanish for candy. Damn, missed that easy one.

I bet you wanna see the tattoos, don’t you? No, you really don’t. Trust me.

OK, Entei was only off by the number, but why do they call Togetic “Togechikku”? Because it’s his Japanese name, that’s why! < /obvious > So the Togetic disc’s got two strikes against it. Not only is the number wrong, but they used his Japanese name, and no Mexicans would bother doing that. No normal Americans would either. There’s only one breed of freaks who would. Anime purists. Those fetid scum who refuse to use any American names or stuff when it comes to anime. Sure, a lot of the American versions of stuff gets butchered pretty badly so I can let most of it slip by, but if you’re using the Japanese names for Pokémon and you don’t live in Japan or speak Japanese exclusively, you’ve likely got some issues and are probably gross and addicted to Pocky.

Yo, …yo. Like a Transformer, there’s more than meets the eye here.

Aww, isn’t that cute, a Marril that’s missing an “R” and a grossly deformed Pikachu. Yeah. I thought the Pokémon discs would end too, but now we’ve got a whole litter of the things. But since you can’t see how terribly fudged up the Pikachu disc it, I had to extract it from the craptastic Yo-yo. Here’s the scan. Notice how this one is spelled oddly as well? Yeah, something’s up. These discs must be horrible bootlegs, or made in Japan and then just stamped with “Made in U.S.A.” to make people who buy them feel more patriotic or some bull like that. Either way, I’m disappointed in Pikachu for scaring the crap out of poor little Togepi like that. All he can do to retaliate is Metronome. Goddamned almost always useless Metronome.

Finally we reach the final bag. It’s got a lot more interesting stuff than the previous bag, but I’m pretty sure I’ll end up typing a couple one-sentencers in for this one too. I guess we’ll see. Yup. Almost done. I’m actually as relieved as I imagine you must be. I foolishly rushed this article, and now it’s making me want to half-ass all the way from here to the end. But I’ll give it a shot, see how far I get, you know the drill. But at the moment, it’s dinnertime, so maybe you should go get a snack to see you down the home stretch.

Lookit that, it’s a hodgepodge of candy we’ve found in the other bags. It seems that while the Chiks don’t associate with other colours of their own kind, they get along quite well with other candies. Or some bullshit like that. I’m sorry, I’m bored. I can’t write about the same kinds of candies over and over.

What’s this? What’s this? A Toy Pop sits right there. What’s this? What’s this? It gives me a right good scare. I see the word “caramelo” on the package and I decide against opening it. Plus, it promises no actual toy, it’s just called a Toy Pop. Mostly, though, I don’t savour the idea of a caramel-flavoured lollipop. Then again, the package also mentions that it’s raspberry flavoured. Raspberry caramel. Yum yum. I’m-a gonna pass this one up, if you don’t mind. You can have it if you send me any amount of money (at least 6 cents) via Paypal. (Local only. I’m not shipping this thing should I have some unknown foreigner reading my site.) My E-Mail’s at the bottom if you need it.

It’s a tiny plastic comb. What do you expect?

The final Pokémon disc is upon us. Look upon it, with all its majesty and roundness, and fall to your knees in awe. Or fall off your chair in awe, whichever is more applicable for your current situation. So Mew looks like he just pulled a pretty good prank. All sneaky-like, trying to hide his laughter. I still won’t believe that these things are made in U.S.A. until someone flies me down to the plant.

Lastly, but oddly enough, not leastly, we have the Magi-Ojitos. Or if you prefer, the Magic Eyes. On the upside, these are not in fact strange pictures that hide a secret that only witches can see, but rather some googly eyes that you can put on your fingers to… stuff with… and things. Ah, the back of the package has some ideas for things to do with the googly eyes. This bag promises candy as well, but again, does not deliver. It was open, so maybe it just fell out, but I’ll assume the worst.

Well that was a surprise. I didn’t think I’d have to put the Magi-Ojitos together. Oh well, there could be worse things that it could make me do… Woah! Take a look at this! It’s the uncommonly seen North American Elephand! Such a majestic creature, it’s just too bad he spotted us. I’d have liked to get a closer look at the beast. Possibly stick my thumb up his bumhole. Someday I’ll find another of these beautiful animals, but at least for now I’ve got video evidence! And you’re pissed off about how much I hyped up that video, and how much of a cop-out it was. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I win!

Yep. that’s the end of it all. You’ve seen all of the crap I promised, my friends. I gave you bigger pictures, package scans, and a video, even if it was the worst video ever recorded. Plus it’s a decently long article to boot, so as long as you weren’t expecting entertainment, you don’t have anything to complain about. It wasn’t very super, no, but that was all part of my plan to piss you off. Now if only I really had hyped it up. I mean, a single graphic isn’t quite enough to build up a good hype for something. Especially when it’s likely to be a video game review.

That actually wasn’t so bad. I was thinking that maybe I would explode before I was finished with this one. Which is too bad… I wanted to explode… There’s nothing more to say really. Nothing more than to tell you to go out and buy surprise bags! If nothing else, you can throw the things you find inside at people or just make fun of Mexicans for producing such shoddy products. I mean geez, those tatuajes could be a lot higher quality than they are. And the Magi-Ojitos are kinda crap too. But whatever. I like the lion, he’s got a place on my dresser. I’ve got nothing else. End.

And God said “A small coffee and a chocolate dip, please”

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted, and there is much to tell. But I’ll get to all the other stuff later. Firstly and most importantly, I’ve finally got a job. The call came in this morning and now I’m the newest donut wench at Tim Horton’s. Yay for me. Now I’ll be able to afford my precious when it arrives later this year. That is assuming that I don’t screw up too badly at giving food and such to people. If I’m lucky, they said they might even place me on dish washing duty, a task at which I excel. So yes, I’m a little nervous about giving up most of my time to actually do something, but overall I’m overcome with much joy. And if absolutely nothing else, I’ve finally got something to go on the ol’ resume.

Second of all, I broke down and bought one of the new Pokémon games. It was mostly for the wireless adapter that came with, but you all know I enjoy my Pokémon, so I won’t bother making up any other excuses. The game itself is great, being a port of the first game (which was my favorite) with a whole bunch of new stuff crammed in. The bulk of new areas and quests come after the credits roll for the first time, but there are tons of new gizmos and such for you to toy around with before then. Most outstanding though, are the graphics and music. While they look a lot like the Ruby and Sapphire versions, these new games have a few little extra touches that make it just that much sweeter, like coloured text! And a pretty new font to go with it. The music remixes are great, and hopefully they’ll attract a little attention from the OverClocked Remix community. I’ve always wanted to hear the battle theme in metal, but there isn’t a single Pokémon remix on there…

Thirdly, SKY CAPTAIN! Flippin’ awesome movie. The kind a man like m’self, who doesn’t buy many movies, would buy. And not even because of all the special bonus crap they’re bound to pile on the DVD. Yes, it’s that good. Well, I thought so anyway. The plot goes a little here and there about halfway through, but I’ve never been too picky about a bad story, so it didn’t bother me at all. The only thing I didn’t like is that there weren’t enough of them big robots that steal the spotlight in the trailer. Nope. To be honest (tiny spoilers here), they really don’t play as much a part in the movie as the trailers might have you think. But again, great action flick, go see it.

And last but probably not least, I’ve opened a Geocities account which I plan to use as space to house all of my recent scanned stuff. It’s a little different that what I’m used to, so it might take me a while, but I intend to have the “second” gallery up tomorrow after work. If it’ll happen, I’m not sure, but keep your fingers crossed. Or not. Just do what you like. So I guess I’ll be seein’ yahs then.

2004’s Easter Egg-stravaganza!

It’s been Easter again. Last year I did that big Egg-stravaganza thing, but this year it’s just a little photo collection. But why have I gone all half-assed? For one, there wasn’t really enough to make a real article out of, and none is really as interesting as that mystery chocolate was. Secondly, it’s more or less that same thing as last year, but with more of the “random stuff” than things that stand out. Finally, I’m just too friggin’ lazy to even try to pump that many words out when it’s not meant to be done. And finally for real this time, I can’t put together a second good intro for an article about the same thing as another. Not that my intros are all that great, but damned if I’m gonna do it.
To make up for the relatively small amount of text, you’ll notice that I make the font a lot bigger. Now it looks like something Maddox wrote! Hooray. But I have to get this ball rolling, so without any further ado, we shall plunge right into the second and last of my Easter-themed articles!

First off we have the Peeps Bunnies. Now I wasn’t a huge Peeps fan before, as you may recall, but this is stupid. Go back to the birds. Sure it’s the same thing, but at least make the damn things white or some other bunny colour. Pink is not a colour that I like to be associated with. When I use Peach in Super Smash Bros Melee, I always switch to the white costume. When using Zelda, I’m always Sheik. I don’t like pink. Peeps were created yellow and should stay yellow. I refused to read a paper we got in math class because it was pink. Boo, Peeps, boo.

Next thing I took a picture of is the marshmallow bunnies. More pink here, but an acceptable level of such. As you can see, there are only four bunnies in the picture. There were more, but they were communists, so I was forced to eat them. I think that these bunnies are much better than the Peeps Bunnies. Peeps just aren’t that good. And don’t you try to tell me different, because you know that I’m right. Why Peeps have so many fans is way beyond my comprehension.

Another Reese egg came around this year. I’m not sure what last year’s Reese egg tasted like, but I’m pretty sure that this one was worse. It tastes pretty bad to tell the truth. Reese should stick to the tried-and-true cups and give up trying to break into the egg market. They’re failing pretty bad there.

A box of Smarties. Gee, there are really interesting. The only thing I can say about ’em is that they’re chocolate flavoured and Easter coloured. They’re Smarties for God’s sake. Shut up.

Aaaah, the Cadbury Creme Eggs. Possibly the greatest delicacy of the Easter time. And that’s the saddest part. I just don’t seem to like these guys as much as I used to. What’s happening to me? Why do I not like junk foods that I once would kill for? Oh well, three Creme Eggs are better than one, so down the hatch they go. Hm. Word is an idiot. It keeps correcting “Creme” to “Crème”. Stupid computers. Wow I’m angry today. Why that is, I don’t know, as nothing has happened to me lately to justify said anger. Oh well.

Mmmm Mini Eggs. Now these things I’ll never not like. That candy coating… and the delicious chocolatey center… Oh wan I wish I could be eating them again right now. But again, there really isn’t much I can say about these. Other than their deliciousness, they’re pretty boring. Even the package is kinda lackluster.

Chocolate eggs. If you want me to say any more about ’em, fark you.

And this is the fantastic centerpiece of my chocolate empire. Or it was before it got eaten. You can’t quite tell, but it’s shaped vaguely like Homer. I was quite happy to receive a giant character chocolate, but then I realized why I hadn’t gotten one for so many years; the chocolate is of rather low quality, regardless of what the packaging claims. So it was a bit of a disappointment, but it’s a good box for putting stuff in. It’s even got a cool viewing window.

In an odd, ironic twist, my parents gave me a toothbrush. It makes sense, what with all that chocolate is gonna kill my teeth. Anywho, it’s one of those fancy-ass “spin brushes”, and I have no friggin’ idea how to use the thing. I can’t help it, I was raised on the normal toothbrush. So I’m going to have to get used to this behemoth… or just take out the batteries.

Last time I checked, the holiday was Easter, not Christmas. I’m grateful and all, but I’m as surprised as you are that I got something so expensive for such a low-level holiday. I guess it kind of explains the smaller amount of candy though. In any case, it saves me $60, so I won’t complain. I know you’re all kinda spooked that I’d want a Pokémon game, but that would mean you don’t know me too well. I like the Pokémon games. Or at least Blue anyway. This is the first Pokémon game I’ve been able to truly enjoy since the Yellow version came out.

And it’s a lot different from other Pokémon games too. It’s a lot more evil than all the other games, and that almost makes it okay for someone my age to be playing. I just look at this guy here. He is a total badass. Not only is he buffed up, but he’s got a necklace of Poké Balls. I bet he stole ’em all, killed the creatures inside, ate them, and painted his face and dyed his hair with their blood. Nope, no characters in the other games would even think of pulling shit like that. Plus there are no random battles, so I love it. Random battles are the bane of my existence.
And that’s that. It’s over 1000 words, so it’s long enough to qualify as a proper mini-review, so you can’t complain about nuttin’. This Easter was kinda boring, and rather expensive, but it turned out pretty well. I played Pokémon Colosseum for 5 hours straight yesterday. There really isn’t any appropriate way to end this one. So I’ll just end it here. Happy belated Easter, heathen bastards.

The Good Stuff:
Tons of chocolate I got a non-bargain bin console game? Holy shit! Everyone loves Cadbury

The Bad Stuff:
Chocolate gets annoying after you eat so much Peeps bunnies are less fun to eat than the original Peeps Am I rating a holiday? Materialism on a new level…

Hylian Idol!

Welcome back! Within the past few years, so-called “reality” TV has made a huge boom on the small screen. A lot of people will say that’s great, because they love the stuff, my mom included. A distinctly smaller group will not care either way, because they don’t care what they watch, or they don’t watch TV at all. My group though, will tell you that it’s horrible. A good amount of people do hate this crappy TV. Why do I hate it? Well, mostly because 1)A lot of the ideas are horse crap (i.e. Big Brother) and 2) Because they take up valuable air time when we could be watching cartoons or sitcoms instead. See my point?

As you may or may not be aware, “American Idol” has been on top of the proverbial heap for quite some time now. Like the rest, I really don’t like it all that much. If it were something more along the lines of “Rock Idol” or “Metal Idol” I might be a bit more interested in it. But as it is, all they do is promote crappy music and churn out pop stars (which, ironically enough, is another crappy musical reality show). Mmmm… pop stars – s + t = Pop Tarts! I like Pop Tarts. But not those commercials. I hate that stupid fricking BEEEEEOOM guy!! I want to kill him!! AAAAAAAHH!! Now look! I’ve gotten into a fit of rage! Better go to the next paragraph!

Just recently, they held a “Canadian Idol” competition here. I was going to try out, but then I remembered that I can’t sing worth a damn. So I did the next best thing and made a little parody of American Idol. It was getting pretty tough to find a crew, set and competitors, so I just took the easy way out and used toys. Building the set was a lot harder than I thought it to be, and getting most of the characters to stand up was seemingly impossible. In the end, I needed to take a total of 37 pics, which added up to just under 500KB. By my count, that is taking up about 2.5% of the space I have for my site, which is a lot more than I’ve allotted to other articles. Of course, my math skills are nothing to rely on, so I might be wrong. Enough about that though, the show must go on!

RyanMan= Hello everyone! Welcome to Hylian Idol, the first reality ummm…. thinger! I’m your host RyanMan, and these are our wonderful judges! Our fist judge is Link from the Legend of Zelda series of video games! Say hello to the kind people in internet world, Link!

Link= Hey thea homeez! I’m tha shiznat y’all!

RyanMan= Why the hell are you talking like that?

Link= Aren’t I supposed to be the equivalent of Randy Jackson from American Idol?

RyanMan= No. Our next judge in none other than Link’s rival, Ganondorf!! Say hi to everyone Ganondorf!

Ganondorf= You suck. You’re terrible. You have no talent. Muhahahahaha!

RyanMan= What the Hell are you talking about, Ganondorf?

Ganondorf= I thought I was playing Simon Cowell.

RyanMan= No, you’re just supposed to be yourself, Ganondorf.

Ganondorf= Very well. And from here on in I will be referred to as Ganon.

RyanMan= Right-o. And finally, our last judge, it’s her highness Princess Zelda!

RyanMan= Ummm… where’s the princess?

Link= I’m looking at you, Ganon.

Ganondorf= I didn’t do it! Not this time anyway…

RyanMan= Well, I guess we’re just lucky that we have a guest judge here. I’d like to introduce to you Mr. Bob McKenzie!

Bob= How’s it goin’ eh?

RyanMan= Pretty good, actually.

Bob= That’s great, eh. Now let’s get on with the show, ya hoser.

RyanMan= Sure thing.

Leia= Sorry I’m late, guys.

RyanMan= Why are you here, Leia?

Leia= Oh, ummm… Zelda couldn’t make it today. It’s time for her royal nap.

RyanMan= Riiiight. Well, I guess we’ll just go on anyway. Can’t disappoint the readers.

Ganondorf= Oh, I’ll give them a good disappointing!

RyanMan= Quiet, you. Now, our first contestant, Ash from Pokemon!

Ash= Hey everyone!

(loud booing)

Ash= Shut up!

RyanMan= So Ash, what are you going to do for us today?

Ash= Well, I thought I’d start by throwing a few Pokeballs…

RyanMan= That doesn’t seem so great

Ash= Shut up!

RyanMan= Whatever, just get to your act.

Ash= OK! Here I go!!!…. Wait! I can’t move my arms! Or my legs! AAAAHH! I’ve got no articulation whatever! Nooooooooooo!

RyanMan= While our crew pulls his body off the stage, we’ll see what the judges think of that performance.

Link= What performance? He just fell down! Well, at least he did a pretty good job of that…

Ganondorf= That was terrible! I’ve seem more talented Armos statues!

Leia= He’s a cutie! Maybe I’ll get his number after the show…

RyanMan= Well, a diverse reaction. What do you think, Bob?

Bob= I got some beer, eh?

RyanMan= Well, I guess that means that Ash won’t be today’s Hylian Idol.

Link= No sir.

RyanMan= So we’ll get our next contestant out here, DinoBot!

DinoBot= Rrrraaarr! Hey everyone! I’m the best!

RyanMan= Sure you are. Now, I hope you can do a little bit more than that Ash fellow

DinoBot= Of course I can! I am DinoBot!

RyanMan= Then what will you be doing for us today?

DinoBot= I’ll be doing my Grimlock impression!

RyanMan= Seems appropriate. Whenever you’re ready

DinoBot= Raaarr! Me Grimlock! Me wanna hear Kup’s war stories!…. That’s it.

RyanMan= …OK. What do you think, judges?

Leia= It was a decent effort, but nobody could EVER do a good Grimlock.

DinoBot= You sayin’ I’m no good?

Leia= Not exactly…

DinoBot= RAAAAARRR!! I’ll have your head! DinoBot transform!

RyanMan= Security! Well folks, it looks like we’re going to take a little break. But don’t fret, we’ll be right back with more Hylian Idol!

(Go get a snack or something. Pretend it’s a commercial break.)

RyanMan= OK, we’re back with Hylian Idol. After our last competitor went nuts, I’ve told our judges to try to be a little less harsh on the competitors who seem to be not quite mentally stable. Let’s see how this works out… Now, our next competitor is Spongebob Squarepants.

SpongeBob= Hi there!

RyanMan= Hey Spongebob, you’ve got a TV show already, so I’m guessing that you have some kind of talent?

SpongeBob= I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!

RyanMan= OK, enough of that. Let’s go Sponge-boy.

SpongeBob= Watch this, I’m gonna make my face disappear!

RyanMan= Errrr… I’ll let the judges decide what to think of this.

Ganondorf= You fool! You just turned around! Go back to you day job!

SpongeBob= You don’t like me?

Leia= Well it was a pretty crappy trick

Link= Boooo!

SpongeBob= *Runs away crying*

RyanMan= What did you think, Bob?

Bob= I’m tryin’ to eat a donut here, eh?

RyanMan= Sure you are. Now, our next contestant is… Leonardo!

Leo= Hello.

RyanMan= So Leo, it seems you’ve had a bit of a career change

Leo= Actually I work as a volunteer firefighter. I just got back from a call and didn’t have time to change.

RyanMan= If you say so. What will you be attempting to do for us?

Leo= Well, I seem to have developed a strange ability to transform. That’s pretty much what I’ll be doing for you.

RyanMan= That’s it?

Leo= Yeah, but considering the competition so far, I think I have a pretty good shot at winning.

RyanMan= That is true. Well, go ahead then

Leo= Okay! Here I go!

Leo= Uh-oh

RyanMan= “Uh-oh” what?

Leo= I seem to have forgotten how to do this.

RyanMan= Well, mark up another failure

Leo= Master Splinter’s not gonna like this

RyanMan= Them’s the brakes. What do our judges think?

Link= You moron! I could transform better than you and I don’t know how!

Bob= Get off my table, eh.

Leia= Well, sadly enough, he was the best so far

Ganondorf= Oh God… One more idiot and I’m gonna go DinoBot.

RyanMan= Hey! We made a vow to never mention him again!

Ganondorf= Oops. I’ll try to avoid it from now on.

RyanMan= Good stuff. Now that Leo’s been carried offstage by the camera guy, we can get the next contestant up here. Everyone give a warm welcome to Safety Stan!

Stan= Hey everyone! I’m glad to be here!

RyanMan= So why do they call you “Safety” Stan?

Stan= Well, I’m extremely afraid of pain. See the helmet?

RyanMan= Afraid of pain, eh? You’d better do something bordering on acceptable then.

Stan= Why?

RyanMan= You’ll see. So speaking of which, what are you gonna do for us?

Stan= I’m gonna do a juggling act. I’m pretty pro, I do kids’ birthdays and all that shat. Now does anyone have something I can juggle?

RyanMan= You came to do a juggling act and have nothing to juggle with?

Ganondorf= *menacing growl*

Stan= Errrr… Of course not! I was just kidding! I’m actually going to sing.

RyanMan= Oh. That’s good. Finally it’s a real parody of American Idol. So what are you going to sing?

Stan= What am I going to sing? Uhhh… uhh… lemme see…

Ganondorf= *reprise of menacing growl*

Stan= The opening theme of the MegaMan cartoon!

RyanMan= Oh no…

Stan= Cue the music!

Stan= *horribly off key* Super fighting robot! MegaMan! Super fighting robot! MegaMan! Super fighting robot! MegaMan! Super fighting robot! MegaMan!

Ganondorf= THAT’S IT!!! TIME FOR SOME BLOODSHED!!

Stan= Waaaaaaaahhh!!!! No, please!

RyanMan= I knew this was going to happen sooner or later…

Stan= OOOWWWW!!! NOT MY ARMS!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!

Ganondorf= Die pathetic scum!!!

RyanMan= I’m not even gonna get the other judges’ opinions.

Link= I kinda liked it.

Ganondorf= You want some too, little man?

Link= Hey! I’ve killed you on several occasions.

Ganondorf= Right, sorry…

RyanMan= Quiet, kids. It’s time for the next competitor. And now we have Turok: Dinosaur Hunter.

Ganondorf= Maybe he’ll kill DinoBot

RyanMan= *stern voice* Ganon

Ganondorf= Oops. Right. Not supposed to talk abou-

RyanMan= So here’s Turok!

Turok= Haha! I love me!

RyanMan= This is only gonna go downhill, isn’t it?

Turok= Aren’t I beautiful?

RyanMan= Sure. Now what do you plan on doing to try to impress our judges?

Turok= Well, I’m gonna fight Earthworm Jim here to the death.

Jim= Where am I?

RyanMan= Turok, you are aware that you could get hurt, right?

Turok= Bah. My vest of sticks and a green circle will protect me!

RyanMan= OK, whatever. Just get it over with

Turok= Right! Arm yourself, worm!

Jim= What the Hell!?!? Stop pointing that thing at me!

Turok= If you do not wish to fight, I shall pummel you mercilessly!!

Jim= What?

*fight ensues*

Jim= Okay, hunter-boy! Time to feel the wrath of my power suit!

Turok= Ah, so you finally decide to fight back! En guard!

Jim= En guard this!

*more fighting ensues*

Jim= How do you like that, you narcissistic freak?

Turok= My vest… it did…. nothing….

RyanMan= So I guess Jim wins then. What do the judges think?

Link= Well, Turok lost, so he sucks. But Jim wasn’t a contestant, so he can’t win.

Ganondorf= I could beat both of them at the same time.

Link= No you couldn’t.

Ganondorf= We’ll see about that later…

Leia= Zzzzzzzzzzzz…..zzzzzzzz….

RyanMan= HEY! Leia, wake up!

Leia= Wha!? Oh, uh… that was great.

RyanMan= Do you even know what happened?

Leia= Does it matter?

RyanMan= Check mate.

Bob= I brought some more beer, eh.

Leia= Gimme somma the good stuff

RyanMan= After we’re done you can drink to you heart’s content, but not until then

Leia= But he gets t-

RyanMan= That’s because it’s a character trait

Leia= *mumbles angrily*

RyanMan= Wait… that appears to have been our last act. I guess our judges will have to agree on which crap was the best crap.

Anakin= Hey! I want to do something! I’m a teen, gimme a beer!

RyanMan= No! We already told you that you are too young to compete! How did you get in here

Anakin= I’m not too young! I wanna get drunk! It’s soooo cool to get drunk!

RyanMan= Somebody gt this kid outta here

Link= Gladly

Link= Raaaah! Be afraid! I’ll chop you to little Jedi-bits!

Anakin= Waaaahhh!! Pointy! I’m outta here!

Link= I showed him

Leia= Oh yeah, great job. You scared a little kid

Ganondorf= Ha ha

Link= Shut up!

RyanMan= So can you guys decide who was the best?

Link= Me!

Leia= Fine. As long as it gets me closer to that beer

Ganondorf= Whatever. I just want outta here

Bob= Eh?

RyanMan= Then the vote is unanimous! Link is the Hylian Idol!

Link= So no change from the norm then

RyanMan= Alright, now just say goodbye to the camera and we can get the Hell out of here.

Link= Bye, camera!

Ganondorf= Just go away

Leia= BEER

RyanMan= Well, that’s the end of our show! Goodnight, folks!

Link= Hey… Gimme some sugar baby

Leia= ! Are you grabbing my boob?

Link= Oh come on, Zelda never puts out and I need my-

Leia= Here’s all you’ll get from me!

Link= Ah! If I’d known you were freakishly strong I’d have asked first!

Leia= Take this, pervert!

Link= *gets thrown across the room*

RyanMan= Oh. My. God. I’m getting out of here before it gets any worse.

And that’s the end of that. It was quite the adventure getting this done, but definitely more fun than a review article. I’d have to say that this and the Easter article have been my favorites so far. What you readers will think may vary, but I guess that differing opinions helps keep things fresh. So in conclusion, I must say that no matter whether you love or hate American Idol, I think that everyone can agree that Ganondorf would be an excellent judge.

I’m not sure about it yet, but I think I’m gonna make a mailing list for everyone who wants to know when I write a new article. So if you want in on this, just drop me an E-mail and I’ll add you to the list. Of course, if you want you could just check the site every couple days. To each his own. I really just need an excuse to do something with my account than let it collect spam.