Bongos a go-go, baby

Yeah, I want to get back to playing Donkey Konga 2, so today I’m just going to provide you with some links. Hey, it’s something, so stop complaining.

Walking-stick defence – A good one that I’ve been meaning to link to for a while now. Make sure you click the ad at the top.

New Penny Arcade – No real need to point it out, other than because I find it to be the funiest thing I’ve seen in a long while. And I just watched five seasons worth of South Park.

Dick Turtle’s webpage – It’s really no more than a terrible game and a wallpaper, but you know how I love to post stuff about Dick Turtle.

Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Dance Party of the Century – No comment.

Donkey Konga 2 review – If I were reviewing it, I would be wasting valuable playing time, now wouldn’t I?

The True Story Behind Darth Tater – Star Wars is coming soon, and I figure I should add a little Star Wars into each post until then. At least.

Xbox 360 – Now, normally I wouldn’t do this, but… so sleek… And white… there are some better pics of the “console” and controller on the site if you look around a bit.

On Mothers’ Day I played with LEGO

Because we just can’t get enough of Dick Turtle here at TE, here is a little background information on the guy that I’m way to lazy to have dug up myself. And now back to the program already in progress.

Rented LEGO Star Wars this weekend. I have to say, that despite my premature opinions on the game, it turned out to be quite good. When I first heard of it, I just thought it had bad idea written all over it. But alas, I’ve been proven wrong, and I spent pretty much all weekend playing it. So it’s time for one of those nifty little blog reviews, the only thing that keeps the blog from being entirely boring!

Firstly, and possibly most importantly, the name doesn’t tell you much about which Star Wars it’s covering. And to the possible dismay of some, that would be the prequel trilogy. I have no problems with this, because to be honest, I liked both The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, and I intend to fully enjoy Revenge of the Sith as well. But most people feel differently, so yeah. Either way, the game has about 17 missions, covering most of the more action-packed parts of the movies. This includes several rampages through Theed, a romp in the Geonosis droid factory followed by the huge Jedi Battle in the coliseum, the war on Kashyyyk, and the final battle between Obi-Wan and Anakin. Of course, this means some slight spoilers for those who’ve not seen RotS (and by the way, I refuse to address the newer movies as “Episode X”). And while it could be argued that we already know the outcome, I was still intending to find out exactly how everything goes down from the movie itself, but oh well.

The game is fun, but a little slow. See, you’ve got two ways to go about it. You can power through the levels and not worry about collecting stuff (money), or you can explore every nook and cranny to get it all. And there are tons of interactive objects in every level room, so there’s a lot to check out. You don’t really need the cash, as you only need copious amounts of it to unlock the secrets (which are just for fun), as the only other thing you’ll be spending it on is new characters, and most character unlocks are quite cheap.

Speaking of which, there are a total of around 56 playable characters (I suck at math), and while like 20 of them are different coloured Clone Troopers or Battle Droids, pretty much every single character from the trilogy (and then some) is playable. Everyone from (three versions of) Obi-Wan to General Grievous to Jar Jar to Yoda is playable. And they all have different abilities, like being able to use the force, being able to jump really high, or being able to unlock certain doors. Of course, not every character has an ability. All the Battle Droids can do is walk and shoot, except the commander. He can say “Roger Roger”. So everyone will be able to find someone they like to play as. I personally spent the most time as AotC Obi-Wan, Grievous, and R2-D2.

The one thing that really made me favour the game is that it’s got a ton of funny little things in it. The fact that everything is in LEGO is funny on it’s own, but the fact that some cutscenes really make the most out of the medium, and add in some little sight gags. Some of the levels contain some funny things, like when you’re on Kamino, you can do a little light-matching puzzle to turn the room into a disco and get the Kaminoans dancing. It is indeed quite hilarious. Most of the “extras” are just funny things too, like adding moustaches to all characters, or having Jedis wield brooms rather than lightsabers.

All in all, the game is pretty solid. It’ll last until you’ve hunted down every collectible item, and the tow-player mode will add a bit more fun to the mix. Graphics are great, as LEGO isn’t too damned hard to animate well. The music is ripped directly from the movies, so obviously that gets full points. The only weaknesses is that most people won’t like all the slow treasure hunting you’d have to do to produce the kind of funds you’ll need for the more expensive stuff, and that when you’ve got everything, the game is pretty much dead. If you really go at it, you should be able to get everything in a rental. I wouldn’t recommend buying it though. Sadly, it loses pretty much everything once you’ve got the 100%. But it is fun while it lasts. Oh yeah, and it’s way too easy. You can’t lose, no matter how hard you suck. You’re given unlimited lives, and the only disadvantage to dying is that you lose a little money. The only way you can lose is to get stuck as the somewhat tricky podrace level and quit of frustration. So yes. Good game, but not a buyer. Not at more than half-price anyhow.

Band of the Month – May 2005

April was a pretty slow month as far as blog posts go, but it did see the glorious returns of both Dick Turtle and the mini-reviews. Now it’s forever saved onto its own page in the archives. Hoo-ray.

In other news, I’ve just recently caught wind of this really kickass band. They go by the monicker of Span and are a rather excellent portralyal of what rock ‘n’ roll is all about. Unfortunatley, they’ve currently only got one major release (which is very rare to find), so this is gonna be one of those Jimmy Eat World one-CD reviews.

So firstly, who the Hell is Span? There’s a 97% chance you’ve never heard of them. If you have, you’re either really lucky, or have finished the video game Obscure, which totes their music quite prominently. That would be where I first heard of ’em. Anyhow, while their look may at first suggest a punk band, calling these guys punk would be an insult. They sound far too professional for that title. While they have an obvious nu-rock influence, Span is your model modern rock ‘n’ roll band. Combining fast, catchy anthems with hard rock and slower ballads, Span runs the full rock gamut, semblant of old-school rock legends like Motley Crue, Poison, and Firehouse.

So onto the review thing. The CD, as you should be able to see above, is titled Mass Distraction. While it features a scant 11 tracks (I’ll admit, I’m spoiled by compilations and greatest hits albums that have between 15 and 20 songs apiece), it’s a joy to listen through from start to finish. The first song, “Found” is a pretty standard song, and does well as an opening track. Anywhere else on the CD, it might seem a bit weaker. Now number two, “Don’t Think The Way They Do” is my new favourite song ever. It’s fast, catchy, and just really cool. It’s the only song I know of on the CD to have a single, so I guess it’s their hit song. Seriously, if you’re checking out Span, this is a good song to start with. Very addictive. “Peaceful” slows it down a bit, with its first part being rather slow, and then getting up to a harder tone near the halfway point. “Papa” takes it from there, and really gets things rolling with some fantastic teamwork between the guiars and drums.

“Stay As You Are” isn’t quite as hardcore as the previous track, but keeps up the rock ‘n’ roll attitude, and makes for a second really catchy song. “Missing in Stereo” sounds almost like Span took a page from Matthew Good, as it’s quite slow and moody. I’m a pretty big Matt Good fan, so I like it a lot. “On My Way Down” brings back the rock but manages to keep the moodiness of the last song, and sounds great doing it. Next up, “Buckle Under Pressure” really reminds me a little of the good old classic rock of the 80’s. It combines some really heavy guitar work with lighter verses and a sweet chorus to make a pretty unique sound.

And then comes the only song that could possibly rival “Don’t Think The Way They Do” for best song on the CD. “Baby’s Come Back” is insane. It’s fast, catchy, kinda funny, and has a simply magnificent guitar solo that is surpassed only by that of “Stairway to Heaven”. All this backed by some sweet vocal work and a great drum beat, and you’ve got a killer song. “Wildflower” is really surprising, in that it’s more of a poppy song, rather than rock. But it maintains respectability by being really good. As it is with a lot of CDs, the last track Mass Distraction is a slower one, “When She Stares”. It’s slow, but it’s got a very powerful chorus, and is twice the length of most of the other songs on the album. It’s an excellent song, and a great choice to end with.

Be it resolved that Mass Distraction is the best CD I’ve heard in a long time, and I’ve got a lot of really awesome CDs. Props out to Span and their great, though far too unknown effort. Also, I should mention a couple of their other songs I’ve heard, particularly “Cut Like Diamonds” and “Always Ends”, are just as great as anything on their debut album. Word on the street is that they’re going to be releasing number two in the near future, so here’s hoping that maybe I’ll be able to find that one in stores. Or at least download it like I did with the first. Yeah, I’m pretty damn obsessed with these guys right now, and my AudioScrobbler account holds undeniable proof of that. Check ’em out for sure.

Polarium

Everyone’s played Tetris. It’s like the universal video game. The only more known game is probably Pac-Man. It’s universally loved and known not because it’s like the first real game (Pong barely counts), but because it’s simple and fun. The concept: to place falling blocks in horizontal lines to make them disappear. Of course, those falling blocks will also lose you the game, should you let them pile to the top of the screen. It’s not easy once they start falling fast, but you can certainly play it mindlessly for hours, even if you happen to suck at it like me.

Conversely, I’ve not run into a whole lot of people who know the game Othello. Possibly named after the Shakespeare play for it’s focus on black and white, I’ve also seen it go by the name of Reversi. It’s a neat game with a simple concept. You’ve got an 8 by 8 playing field, and start with four chips on the center squares; two black, two white. Two players take turns placing chips of their colour. You can flip opposing chips by placing a chip on each side, and create lines like this vertically, horizontally, and diagonally. Once the board is full, the player with the most chips of their colour wins. Again, simple and fun.

Enter a new age of touch screens and strange, new video game concepts. Nintendo is a pioneer of the video game world, constantly trying out new things, while other companies just stick to the same old or copy Nintendo ideas that work out profitably. And today we take a look at their newest puzzle game, Polarium. The concept of the game is familiar, having to make horizontal lines to clear them, but rather than just making the lines, you have to turn all the tiles in said line to a single colour. It’s a simple task, but can get difficult when you’re trying to fight against the non-stop flow of tiles falling from above.

Polarum has two main game modes: Challenge and Puzzle. The Challenge mode, described briefly above, is much like Tetris. As I said, tiles are falling from the top screen, and it’s your job to draw lines over the tiles to change their polarity (from either black to white or vicey-versa) to complete and clear lines. You could just as easily tap each tile one at a time, but you’ll lose really quick, and earn very few points while you’re at it. The key is to try to figure out a way to flip over multiple tiles in one line, and create gigantic combos worth tons of points. Of course, this is no easy task, but Nintendo’s given you a small bit of help by adding a border that you can use, should you need it. It’s a little hard to explain, so here’s a picture to help you get an idea.

The game is quite difficult, as you have to draw accurately so that the tiles don’t pile up too fast, and make sure you don’t miss out on big line combos to score big points. I’ve only ever made it about halfway through level 3, and that’s another thing that should be mentioned. The challenge mode progresses in levels (though they come almost as seamlessly as in Tetris), but you always have to start at the very beginning, so it’s not like you can just start at level 10 if you want. And then there’s the fact that there is an end to challenge mode, unlike most other puzzle games, where it just goes on forever until you lose. But that shouldn’t be too much of a problem, as getting that far would be a daunting task for even the most tactical of us.

Puzzle mode, on the other hand, is slow-paced, and really makes you use your brain. Rather than just trying to keep up with falling tiles, you’ve got one set of tiles on the screen, and you have to figure out a way to eliminate all of them at once. At first, it’s pretty simple. You’ve just got to master the basics to get past the first twenty puzzles, but after that, they become less symmetrical and require some hard thinking. Not exactly what I’m best at, but I’ve gotten about halfway through the puzzles. And speaking of which, there are 100 stock puzzles for you to solve, unlocking a new 10 for each 10 you complete. What might be seen as uncommon is the hint system in place for puzzle mode. The game will either show you the last path you tried for that puzzle, or suggest start and finish points, should you need help. And trust me, you will need help on most of these.

If you finish all the puzzles, or just get frustrated with some of the harder ones, there’s also a custom puzzle mode that lets you create your own brain-twisting puzzles. Of course, you’ll know how to complete these puzzles, so they’re no good for you to play, but that’s where our friend Mr. Wireless Link comes in. Should you also have a friend that has Polarium, you can send your custom puzzles over to him, and perhaps get one or two in return to test your puzzle-solving skills. And if you don’t have friends who own the game, but still want to trade custom puzzles, you’re also provided with a password for each puzzle you make, which will allow you to trade with people over the internet and such.

And what kind of puzzle game comes without a multiplayer mode? Polarium has got one, and it’ a little strange too, in that to play, you turn your DS on its side. It sounds a bit odd on paper, but it works, because the screen is longer than it is tall, and the DS being on its side would lend itself better to the game’s style. Obviously, your opponent’s tile pile would be shown on the top (or right, in the sideways case) screen.

Grahically, Polarium is less than impressive. While it has no need for flashy graphics, there are people who would complain about it’s minimalist visuals. On the upside, it does sport a couple neat effects. Sadly, the menus are hardcore blocky, and we’re not talking NES or FatBoy here, think back a few steps to the Atari. Yeah, not too appealing. At least the interface is effective, if a bit ugly. Music is pretty dismal, I hate to say. There are a grand total of three, maybe four tracks in the entire game (again, not much more would be expected, but still), and none of them are overly enjoyable, or so I find. They’re all this kind of techno-trance that gets annoying fast. This is definitely one of those games that you’re gonna play with other music turned on in the background.

While it may look and sound a little nasty, Polarium has a couple neat features going for it. Firstly, once you get a high score in challenge mode, you get to draw your own little avatar to place beside your score. I’m not sure if it’s a step forward or backward from the Yoshi Touch & Go avatar system, but it’s pretty slick. It also gives you a grade, but I’m not sure if it’s based on how far you get, or how good you score is. Also, while totally irrelevant, the game keeps a running timer of how long you’ve played in each mode. It doesn’t have any value at all, but it’s an interesting feature.

In the end, Polarium might be a little too challenging for its own good, and it’s not as addictive as Tetris or Dr. Mario, but it’s certainly a game that belongs in any puzzle lover’s library. You won’t be playing for hours on end like other titles, but you’ll probably pick it up every so often and see if you can make it just a bit further in Challenge mode. I know that since I got it, every time I have a spare five minutes, I whip out the DS and start flippin’ tiles. I’ll give it a B+, because despite the fact that it is great, it’s not so great as some before it, and frankly, the music blows.

The Good Stuff:
  • Brain-racking puzzle mode
  • Challenge mode is fast-paced and fun
  • Original dual-screen use in multiplayer
  • Draw your own high-score avatar
    		•
    The Bad Stuff:
  • The music is boring and repetitive
  • Where did the graphics go?
  • Not as addictive as other puzzlers
    		•

    It goes with everything

    I just finished up a mini-review for youse. I really should have waited until later this evening to do it, because I have to get up for work in less than five hours, but what’s done is done. Also, a full-size article is on the way, and we’re looking at Sunday as a projected deadline. May be longer, we’ll just have to see how the rest of the week plays out. I just bought five seasons worth of South Park on DVD, so I might be a little distracted by those.

    Oh, and as of yesterday, I’m finally excited for Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. Might have something to do with me buying the original trilogy on DVD, might be that I bought the Clone Wars cartoon series DVD (which kicks ass). No-one can say for sure, but it feels good to care about Star Wars again.

    Supplemental

    I was going to write that mini-review today, but something else came up. After what seems like forever, there’s finally a new Steve article! Eyyy! I’m sure you’ll enjoy it more than another picture-free video game review anyway.

    The poll at GameFAQs today is asking which search engine you use the most. At this point, I would like to suggest to you Yagoohoogle, if only for it’s neat concept and funny name. That’s really all I’ve got. Listen to Journey.

    Yoshi Touch & Go

    The closest thing to a true to sequel to Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island is still rather far from what the gamers of the world were expecting. While Yoshi Touch & Go still keeps the fundamental ideas of Yoshi’s Island, like the Yoshis trying desperately to get Baby Mario back to the stork while Kamek and his toadies constantly try to kidnap the kid, the gameplay has taken a huge turn in a different direction. True, you meander along as Yoshi and huck eggs at stuff, but that’s just the half of it. And maybe even less.

    Yoshi’s first game on the DS is the next in the string of games that utilize only the handheld’s touch screen (Feel the Magic XY/XX, WarioWare: Touched!, Pokémon Dash) and microphone for input. And the way the game is designed, it’s all you’ll really need. But I guess that was kind of obvious. Even if you could use buttons for the game, you’d probably just ignore them. I’ll tell you now, that unless you’re old-school , you’ll probably think this game is stupid and give up on it right away. It’s a very different spin on platforming, so it’s certainly not going to appeal to everyone.

    As soon as you boot up the game, you’ll notice that something is amiss. No intro scene, and just a selection of modes to play, including Score Attack, Endless, and Vs. modes. What? No story mode? You’ll be surprised to find out (I know I was) that the game isn’t structured like a game of these days. No, you have to start from the beginning each time, and your only goal is to get high scores. There are no levels, no bosses, no story, no end. It’s just the kind of game you pick up and go at for a while. Keep in mind that this helps replay value immensely, as you’re always going to be going back to best your high scores, like in most puzzle games. So if regular gaming conventions are thrown out the window, how does the game work? Let me explain.

    The game is cut up into two parts. Firstly, you have Baby Mario falling from the sky. He’s got some balloons to give him some slack, so it’s not like he’s gonna go splat or anything. So anywho, you’re using the touch screen to make a cloudy path to guide the baby through the sky and out of the way of enemies, collecting as many coins as you can. You can draw circles around enemies to encase them in bubbles and turn them into coins to throw at Baby Mario. You can bubble normal coins too, but that’s kind of a waste of time unless you can circle a bunch at once to make a combo. You’ve really gotta be on your game to do well in this part of the game, because there’s a lot going on, and unless you forgo bubbling enemies, it can be tricky to guide Mario exactly where you want him to go. and it’s important to score big in this part, because your score at the end will determine which colour Yoshi you get when you reach the ground. Different coloured Yoshis move faster and can carry more eggs, so it helps to get a good score here.

    The next part of the game is where Yoshi comes into the picture. You’re now on the ground, and Yoshi is plodding along on his way to the stork. It’s your job to help him get there. Everything is basically the same as in the sky, as you can draw clouds and make bubbles around stuff. But here you can also make Yoshi jump and flutter by poking him, and have him throw eggs by tapping elsewhere on the screen. Oh, and I should have mentioned earlier that you can blow into the microphone to have a gust of wind blow away all your clouds, should you ever need to remove them. This part of the game requires even more concentration than before, as Yoshi can only take one hit as opposed to Baby Mario’s three, and you’ve got enemies on both screens and pits to avoid. That, and you’ll have to take care to keep a supply of eggs stocked at all times, because a lot of enemies are impervious to bubblification here. This area also changes depending on which game mode you’re playing.

    Score Attack is the most basic mode, and also the easiest. It’s basically what I described above, but your game will end after you’ve walked 1000 meters with Yoshi. Your goal here is simply to pick up as many coins and take out as many enemies as possible. Make it our with the top score, and you’ll unlock Time Attack. Endless mode however, changes it up a bit. The falling part is the same, but the Yoshi stage will go on until you’re taken down. Rather than the end, when you reach 1000 meters, you’ll get to switch off to the next-ranked Yoshi, and then again for each 1000 meters you last. Besting the top score in this mode will net you challenge mode. Oh, and getting 100 points in Endless will make a Power Star drop, turning Baby Mario into Super Baby Mario for a while, who will run right through anything and toss an infinite amount of stars (as opposed to Yoshi’s eggs).

    I haven’t really played much of the other two modes, so I’m not sure exactly how they go down, but I hear Time Attack has you racing to save Baby Luigi, and Challenge mode is a desperate attempt to stay two steps ahead of Kamek. Word on the street is that beating the top scores in all four modes will unlock some kind of bonus mini-game. The trial is certainly not an easy one, as it took me a while to simply unlock Time Attack and Challenge, and I doubt those two will be any easier.

    From a graphical standpoint, the game has few rivals. The graphics are very similar to those of Yoshi’s Island, with the picture book style and pastel backgrounds. Animation is smooth and abundant. The music is excellent, particularly through headphones, and mostly remixes tunes from games of Yoshi’s past. Sounds are what you’d expect, with the standard “baby” Yoshi noises originating from Yoshi’s Story, and plus ten points for the removal of Baby Mario’s horribly annoying cries. Controls are, well, up to you. If you can’t figure out how to drag the stylus along the touch screen, you should probably be developing some motor skills rather than playing Nintendo.

    Let’s see… Other things… Ooh, one cool thing is that you can pick avatars for your high scores, so that in case more than one person plays on the same game card, you know who got what score. I haven’t tried multiplayer, but it’s supposed to be a 1000 meter dash between two players. And there’s a built in Picto-chat detector too, but I think that it might sap the batteries a little faster when it’s enabled. Neat idea though.

    Personally, I find the game to be a refreshing change from the usual level-hopping action of standard platformers, but as I said earlier, not everyone’s gonna like this. People who held Yoshi’s Island in high regard and are not open to change will most likely detest this game. Hell, people who don’t like different things in general probably won’t like it. But than again, those people probably won’t be playing the DS anyway. The ones who will like it however, are probably the old-schoolers. Those who grew up in the age of arcades and high scores. And of course, people like me who will enjoy pretty much anything you present them with. I’d give this game an unwavering A+. While it’s not really what most gamers look for these days, there isn’t anything wrong with it. It’s fun, it lasts, it plays well, and the superficial stuff is all good.

    The Good Stuff:
  • Great sound and brilliant graphics
  • Unlockable modes
  • Plenty of replay value
  • Stylus/mic control is perfect
    		•
    The Bad Stuff:
  • Not the Yoshi’s Island sequel I expected
  • Can be frustratingly hard
  • Multiplayer is less than fantastic
    		•

    Better get ready to rock, my friend

    Good news everyone! That article I promised is done. It’s a bit of a cop-out, but whatever. You’ll find it on the appropriate page, at the top of the articles list. Yeah, it was supposed to be done yesterday, but due to unforseen events, I was out all night.

    On a totally unrelated topic, our store ran out of “Roll Up The Rim” cups at about 8:13 this morning. The customers are taking it pretty hard, but I think with a little time, the scars will heal and they’ll be back to their normal dumbass selves. And I think my co-workers are up to something, because they were really nice to me today. It’s not like they’re normally assholes or anything, but it was over the normal niceness level. If something happens, I’ll make sure to report. Unless I’m dead.

    Another mini-review might be coming up in the next week, so stay tuned.

    The Return of Dick Turtle

    It’s again the time of year when the snow has vanished, and it’s time for the revival of outside-type activities. Well, for normal people anyhow. Me, I still just sit inside and play video games or type up crap like this. But in the spring and summertime, I often get the chance to sit inside and play video games out at the cottage. And if there’s anything better about going to the cottage than getting to play with the air rifle, it’s getting to browse the dollar stores in the local town. Oh yeah, it’s time for round two.

    This year, I knew what I was doing. It wasn’t just a “find anything at all that stands out” affair like it’s been in years past. I knew that the “surprise bag” articles were among some of the top ranked that I’ve written, so I had a mission: find me as many of the damn things as I could. Sadly, as I said in last year’s Dick Turtle review, the places don’t restock stuff like this. The most likely cause is that these things went out of production seven hunred years ago. So unfortunately, I was only able to grab two of the Dick Turtle bags. There were no others, and I decided to leave one behind to see if anyone else ever bought these things. I guess I’ll find out next time I go.

    On the pro side, if I were able to buy these things en masse, they’re only fifty cents a bag, so it’s not like it’s a big drain on my funds. Those name brand bags (which are crap as far as surprises go) can go for anywhere up to two bucks, so a cheap reject from the stupid age is like a blessing filled with several little curses (should you try to consume the contents).

    Ah, the memories come flooding back. In case you missed the first one (which I’d like to doubt) here’s a link to that one. If you don’t want to read through it, or just want a little refresher, basically, this “Dick Turtle Surprise Bag” is a very old-looking plastic bag containing several assorted things. These can range from candy to toys to fake jewlery to mini-ninjas. God knows when these things were actually made, but the bags themselves look to be about five thousand years older than most of their contents. But age is of no consequence. It’s time to move on.

    Ripping open the first bag, I found that it contained a much wider variety of crap than last year’s bag did. No, wait. It’s just a bunch of useless junk and bad candy again. Nevermind what I said. It contained essentially the same spread of stuff as my last DT bag did. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

    Starting off on the same foot as last time, we see that ol’ Dick is as inconsistent as ever. But at least he’s consistently inconsistent. I think. Anyhow, I’ll point out for nostaligia’s sake that the Dick Turtle on the card shown above is clearly not the same Dick Turtle that graces the front of the surprise bag. How the producers of this product managed to think that they’d get away with this travesty is beyond me, but they managed to pull it off. I guess. … OK, onto the next paragraph.

    This time around, Dick tells us to avoid skating on frozen lakes or ponds. I can tell you from experience that whilst ponds and lakes may be dangerous, it is perfectly okay to skate on a frozen river. Just don’t walk around on it. That’s when you fall through and end up a Ryansicle. Unless you’re just heading out to the ice fishing hut. Then you’ll be a-okay. The moral of this story: there was no story.

    You know, after going over this puzzle less than once, I realized that clue #4 has absolutely no bearing on the result. Assuming that you’re crossing off pirates once they’re ruled out, and following the clues in order, you’ve already found the culprit by clue #3. I really wanted to make a joke about how one of these guys looks like some sort of pop culture icon, but none of them bear any resemblance to anything. It was pirate E. And he sucks, because he failed to steal the treasure.

    How accurate. Kinda makes you wonder how widely these were distributed. Or maybe they were just thrown together by one of the locals in an attempt to make a quick buck (or $1.50, considering I’m probably the only one ever to buy these things). I mean, they have no sort of… Wait a tick! Upon closer inspection, they were produced by… a bunch of Newfies. Apparently they go by the name “The Surprise Bag Company”. After a little research, I discovered absouluely nothing other than this. Hover over the clown picture for a little briefing on the SBC, and click on him to be taken to a webpage that isn’t there. Other than that, there isn’t a lot that Google can tell me about them. I guess it’s a good thing I never noticed the mailing address on the back of the bag last time, or else I’d be out a paragraph of material here.

    Woah. Stop the presses. Forget what I said about accurate. The Jets never won the Stanley Cup. As far as I know, they never even came close. Yes, the Winnipeg Victorias took it waaaaay back in 1896, and then again in 1901 and 02, but I hardly think anyone would fashion a toy ring for events so ancient and obscure.

    Next up…. A fake tooth. Yow. That one was in deep. Either way, it’s neither interesting to look at, read about, or even write about, so how about I tell you about my day about? No? Fine. Aboot.

    Ooh! Candy for all you technologically inclined types out there. They even spelled it ‘bytes’. I guess that about sums it up. Aside from the redundancy of putting both ‘mini’ and ‘micro’ in the name, the package hasn’t got anything to offer, aside from it’s sweet, sweet (here’s hoping) contents. Oh yeah, and remember that raindrop-headed guy. You’ll be seeing more of him before the day is done.

    The candies certainly do look appealing. They’re all colourful and tiny. Mini they are. And micro as well. So I threw ’em back, and it turns out they’re pretty good. You know Sweet Tarts? Kinda like those, but not as chewy. Or at least not as chewy as Chewy Sweet Tarts. And just now I looked at the back of the bag, and the thing is dated 1998. Candy doesn’t really go bad, right? I survived the last bag of stuff, after all. But I can’t recall actually eating any of it. If I turn up dead in the next little while, I blame Newfoundland.

    This one’s a bit of a toss-up. I really should have just put the two pics side-by-side, but screw that. I’m getting my extra paragraph. By the by, I pretty much destroyed that capsule trying to get it open. I’m not good with vending machine capsules. Never have been, never will be.

    Did you see that coming? I didn’t. Why would anyone want a tiny decorative plate featuring a sleeping star who’s mouth is zippered shut? Moreover, why would anyone want a tiny decorative plate? Perhaps to compliment their tiny sports team logo’d mugs? So they have something to display in their tiny china cabinet? To throw in the air and shoot with their tiny clay shooting rifle? Life is full of mysteries, and this is certainly one that will never be solved. I hate that star.

    When the casket fell out of the bag as I was shaking it furiously, a wave of pure dread washed over me. Not only because I had to try to review something a second time and make it seem like new, but also because I feared that the skeletons from last year were out for revenge on me. But this one could hold something different, right? There was no guarantee that even though it looked the exact same and had the same “Mr. Bones” engraved on the top, it held the same stuff as the last coffin.

    Hopes were crushed, curses were placed, and untruths were typed. There was no curse, nevermind several of them. My hopes that something different would be inside were indeed crushed, however. It’s the same bone candy that I discovered in the last article, and this batch is just as brittle and crappy as the last, making it impossible to actually hook the bones together. So I’m a little sad that there’s a repeat item, but at least this a repeat of a somewhat cool item. We’ll be suffering much greater disappointment a little later on.

    And that does it for the first bag. I’d say the Winnipeg ring is the best thing in there, simply because of the coincidence of finding a toy ring that is emblazoned with the name of my city in a bag of completely random junk. The biggest let-down was the tooth. Sure, it had blood on it, but nobody, and not even nobody’s uncle Leopold would for even a second believe it to be a real tooth, so it’s got no prank value for something that should be rich in the stuff.

    Now we’re gonna kick it up a notch and delve into the mysteries of the second Dick Turtle Surprise Bag. If it were possible for me to write more about this junk, you’d be clicking a link to go to a second page, but even I can’t reach for that much filler with this crap as source material, so you get off easy this time.

    Dick’s advice is a little less stupid this time. I mean, not every kid is going to be presented with the option to skate on a frozen lake or pond, but almost every child will, at some point in their life, have to cross a road. But really, we all know that Dick goesn’t give a flying rat’s ass about children. He’s just trying to better his image to give himself more leverage with the voters. Bastard is all about politics.

    Do you want to colour a giant space turtle humping a rocket? I don’t, but if you do, today’s your lucky day! Save the pic, blow it up a little in Photoshop or something, and colour it in! Send it to me afterward, and I’ll make a Dick Turtle gallery and put all of your pretty pictures in it. That’s a promise. If I get even one submission, the gallery will be there. Eventually. So do it!

    But seriously, where do they get off calling this a puzzle?

    Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged back in. At first glance, it’s just the Mini Micro Bytes again, but if you look real close, you’ll still think they’re the Mini Micro Bytes again. But these packages hold a terrifying secret! While the previous ones were more cylindrical in shape, these bytes are… circles! Okay. I’ll admit it. I’ve got nothing. But then again, do I ever really have something?

    I don’t know what the hell this is. Some kind of cat toy of something. It’s just a smiley face in the middle of a plastic ball, with little balls boucing around inside. You can make it jingle a bit, but not much else. At least it should make good lighter fodder come stuff-burnin’ season. Which is now.

    You can’t tell from the tiny pic, but that pink thing on the corner of the Mini Tarts packages is the same dude from the Mini Micro Bytes. Word on the street is that he calls himself the Goody Guy. Anyhow, further investigation reveals that not only are the Mini Tarts the exact same candy as their Mini Micro bretheren, but that they were produced a year earlier. I’m not sure what the deciding factor is, but these ones taste marginally worse than the others. Maybe the year made a difference after all? Or perhaps the Bytes were just an improvement on the Tart formula. We may never know. I hope you stay up all night pondering, cause I’ll feel bad if I’m the only one.

    More bytes. Only this time they’ve got a block in a diaper representing them. Oh, and they’re made by an entirely different company. Hard as stone and more revolting than a bag of pig ears, these are certainly not good candy. Simply put: they’re shitty Chiclets. They won’t make you want to induce vomiting like those damned bones (a fact I may have omitted earlier), but they do border on nasty.

    Two items left, and we’ve got another crappy ring. Only this one looks like a bad Dino wannabe. I’m not even sure if it’s supposed to be a dinosaur at all, nevermind a ripoff of an established character. It could very well be a very poorly drawn duck. I’ve seen worse.

    And our final item of the day is this… notebook… thing. It’s tiny, and I doubt anyone without mad skillz similar to mine could have any change of writing legibly in it. Crap. I’m tired of writing about stuff. It’s time to wrap things up and hope I never find another Dick Turtle bag again.

    I guess that maybe, maybe if the remaining Dick Turtle Surprise Bag is still sitting in that Bargain Shop next summer, I’ll pick it up and review it. I really don’t think so though, because it took two of them to fill an entire article, should you neglect that a lot of stuff that could have been said was written during the first DT bag review. And if there’s only one left, you’re probably only going to get a mini-review out of it at best, unless I just throw length to the wind and decide to do it just for the sake of getting to use the word ‘dick’ more.

    So yes, that’s probably the last of Dick Turtle you’ll be seeing on this website. Unless of course, someone acutually takes up my offer of colouring the Dick Turtle picture. Of course, if you really need a Dick Turtle fix, you could drive out to Lac du Bonnet and search out that last bag for yourself… Me, I’m just gonna look up an antidote for all that candy that probably poisoned me.

    April whine

    I started writing an article today, but got bored and quit. Sorry to tease you and stuff. It’ll be done tomorrow. Won’t say what it’s about, but I’ll tell you this: it’s a sequel. Exciting.

    In other news, I had a kickass weekend. We went out to the cottage and I pretty much played Timesplitters: Future Perfect and Mario Party 6 the entire time. I also got to play with my grandpa’s air rifle. We even taped a flashlight onto the end so we could use it at night. Ah fun. But the beautiful tapestry that was the weekend did have one small stain on it. You see, my parents decided that It’d be a good idea to rent Garfield: the Movie.

    What’s even worse than the fact that they based a movie on a comic strip that is always the same boring crap over and over is that they went and pretty much messed it up as bad as they could have. I’m not a fan of Garfield by any measure, but I hate when a moive tears apart its source material, be it a comic, a game, a TV show or whatever. Firstly, they made Jon a character you don’t hate. They actually moulded him into the kind of person I would love to be. The worst part is that while in the comic, he utterly repulses women, in the movie, he doesn’t seem to have any trouble at all getting lucky. Then there’s the fact that Garfield is animated, while no other animal is. Odie, at the very least, should have gotten the CG treatment. Oh, and the actors really could have used some sort of reference object for when they had to interact with Garfield, as it looks really bad most of the time, particularly when someone’s supposed to be holding him. And to add the finishing blow, the movie was just plain bad. It was even more predictable than most crappy movies, and wasn’t entertaining at all. I would have rather watched Open Water again. Oh. Wait. I did. I told them not to rent it, but nobody listens to Ryan.

    Final score: A for “At least Jennifer Love Hewitt is hot”. (but really I’d give it an F–)