Ryan’s Spelling Tips For The Internet: Definitely

Good morning, Internet

I’ve noticed that quite often, you’re terrible at spelling. Sometimes I’m bad at spelling too, but 99% of the time, that’s because I typed too quickly and/or didn’t proofread my work. I’m thinking that you just don’t have a hot clue when it comes to putting letters in the correct order.

So every once in a while, I’m going to go over a word that you get wrong very consistently, because they bother me so very much.

The first word I want to teach you is Definitely. This is a tough one, and I’ve come to the conclusion that not a single person in the world besides myself knows how to spell it correctly.

I’ve seen it misspelt in many different ways, but never the correct one. Definately, definetly, defiantly, dafinetely. I could list examples until the cows come home, but I feel like it would be more productive to simply give you a tip on how to get it right.

Definitely has a lot of consonants. If you sound the word out, they’re all pretty easy to pick out and get correctly. It’s the vowels that are usually the focal point of misspellings. Here’s the trick: there are four vowels in definitely; in order they are E, I, I, and E (we’ll consider that pesky Y a consonant for now). If you look closely, you’ll notice that the consonants form a palindrome!

So all you have to do to get definitely right is to remember that short sequence of vowels, E-I-I-E, and then sound out the consonants all around them. It’s helpful to note that the word is also built in a consonant-vowel-consonant-vowel pattern (and for this purpose, Y is a vowel).

Alright, Internet, you’re now equipped to go out there and spell definitely correctly! Go out onto the message boards and YouTube comments and Twitter to wow your friends with your fancy new spelling ability!

I hope you’ve enjoyed your lesson as much as I did teaching it. Tune in later for more helpful spelling tricks!

Impressions on Nintendo’s E3 2014 Digital Event

I only ever watch Nintendo’s E3 presentations, because aside from maybe one or two specific games, I generally don’t give a flying fig about the other guys’ stuff. I always enjoy Nintendo’s shows, but to be quite frank, this year’s has got me the most excited I’ve been in a good long while. Let’s go over it point-by-point.

Oh, and here’s an embed of the full presentation, if you feel so inclined to watch it for yourself. I’ve embedded a few choice trailers later on, too.

The Presentation

The opening and a few little skits in between game-related segments were all done up Robot Chicken-style. And I don’t mean in a style reminiscent of Robot Chicken. I mean that I wouldn’t be surprised if Seth Green and company actually had a hand in creating the animated scenes. It was a dead-on likeness, and the skits used pretty much the exact same type of humour that the show is known for, albeit a little softer to keep it family-friendly.

While the internet seems to have mixed feelings about it, I personally loved it. It was much more interesting than just having Reggie and whoever else up on stage bleating about business strategy or whatever. Reggie’s part was actually pretty short, too, and his animated double stepped aside less than halfway through the show to let the games and their developers do the talking.

Super Smash Bros

The first game up was Super Smash Bros for 3DS and Wii U. It still doesn’t have a real title, and at this point I don’t think it ever will. Whatever. That’s hardly important.

What matter is that Miis have been revealed to join the fight, and they look awesome. There are three types of Miis to choose from: Brawlers, who are bare-handed; Swordfighters, who obviously carry a sword; and Gunners, who have a really cool gun-arm. Not only can you import your Miis into the game, but you can also dress them up in a variety of hats and different costumes. Oh, and they look like they’ll be a lot of fun to play as, too.

Masahiro Sakurai talked about the game for a bit, and then showed a very quick montage of clips, which I’m sure held plenty of new info, but I haven’t gone over it to pick it apart yet. It really doesn’t matter. It’s Smash Bros. The only thing that disappoints me is that the “summer” release date of the 3DS version is October 3rd. In what crazy fantasy world is that considered summer?

At the end of the show, Palutena from the Kid Icarus franchise was also confirmed as a new fighter, with a very anime intro video. I’m not totally sold on her yet, but hey, the more the merrier, right? Her trailer also suggested that Dark Pit will be in the game in some capacity. Whether he shows up as a playable character or just an assist trophy, we don’t yet know.

It wasn’t a part of the big presentation, but a Pac-Man intro trailer showed up overnight. I’m still in a little disbelief, but really, it makes perfect sense. You’ve got Mario, Mega Man, and Sonic all in the same game already. Pac-Man fits right in there with the big names of classic gaming. Of course, Bandai-Namco is also helping develop the games, so… Pac-Man seems like he’ll be a fun fighter to use. If nothing else, he’ll be fun to watch, with all his wacky moves and goofy sound effects. His trailer also confirmed Mr. Game & Watch’s return, which is just gravy at this point.

Amiibo

Nintendo’s entry into the world of selling plastic figures as add-ons to your video games. At first they seem like an evil scheme to bilk you out of even more money, but unlike Skylanders and Disney Infinity, they don’t seem to be necessary to enjoy the full content of the games they link to. Well, not for Smash Bros, anyway.

While Nintendo has plans to launch Amiibos for a handful of different games, they only showed what the figures will do in Smash. There, they will simply contain AI fighters that you can swipe into your game. These fighters will level-up and adjust their playstyles over time, which seems like a really cool feature. I might pick up one or two because they look neat. I’m just relieved that they’re an entirely optional thing.

 Yoshi’s Woolly World

I’ve been waiting for more news on this one very patiently, and the wait finally paid off! There was a pretty big feature on the game and how it was conceived, which was a pretty interesting segment. I loved Kirby’s Epic Yarn to death, and I could not be more thrilled that Yoshi is getting a similar treatment.

The thing is that Kirby’s Epic Yarn was a pretty huge deviation from the normal Kirby formula. It was an entirely unique game with a beautiful visual style. Yoshi is even prettier, but seems to be hewing pretty close to the Yoshi’s Island style of gameplay that we’re very familiar with. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, because Yoshi’s New Island turned out pretty darn well on that front. I would like to see Woolly World go in a different direction, but I’ll just have to put my faith in Tezuka.

I also really want a crochet Yoshi now.

Captain Toad Treasure Tracker

After playing Super Mario 3D World, I found that I wanted an entire game based on the Captain Toad stages really badly. I even made a Miiverse post or two to that effect.

Not once did I ever think that Nintendo would actually make that game.

But there it is, in all its glory. You know what? Not once have I ever thought that I’d be drooling over a game starring Toad, either. But here we are. I often don’t care about Nintendo’s weird little spin-off games, but the Captain toad levels in 3D World were just so much fun that this is going to be an absolute Day One purchase. I’m still not clear on whether it’s going to be a full retail release or a smaller eShop game, but either way, “Holiday 2014” can’t come fast enough.

The Legend of Zelda Wii U

It’s not even far enough into development to have a real name yet, but God damn did the teaser look gorgeous. And it’s in-engine, too! I love the idea of making the world more open so that you can tackle challenges in whichever way you like.

What’s most immediately interesting though, is that Aonuma suggested that the character in the teaser may not be Link. After seeing it, I immediately turned to the wife and asked “Is Link a girl this time?” The character is considerably more feminine than Link has ever been. It’d be quite a neat twist if Link were a girl this time. Or if Zelda turned out to be the hero!

Pokémon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire

Remakes of the third generation Pokémon games. There isn’t really a lot to say about them yet, but I think I’m probably quite a bit more excited about these than most. Sapphire Version was my re-introduction to Pokémon after several years of having let the series pass me by, and I hold it quite dear to my heart because of that. Most people just seem to think that Gen III was trash though. Nuts to those guys. Gen III gave us Blaziken and Walrein and Altaria. I really like Gen III, is what I’m saying.

Also, Mega Swampert is a totally boss, Hulked-out monster. I love it!

Bayonetta 2

I had no interest in Bayonetta 2 at all until yesterday. I’ll admit that I was forcing myself to be indifferent to it because I didn’t play the first game at all. I still didn’t much care for it until they showed that the first game would be packaged in with retail copies, and that you can dress up Bayonetta as Princess Peach, Link, and Samus.

Two games for the price of one? Fun, sexy cosplay times?

This is why I only care about Nintendo’s presentations. They know how to push my buttons.

Hyrule Warriors

I’ve never played a game in the Dynasty Warriors series, and I plan to keep it that way. However, I will buy pretty much anything relating to Zelda, so I’ve been watchign this one with a keen eye. And a much keener eye now that Zelda has been confirmed to be a playable character. I honestly don’t know if I’d rather play as her or Impa, who is a major badass here. Honestly, Link just looks so plain and boring in comparison.

It might not be a big problem when the final product arrives though, as Aonuma said that the game will have tons of characters to choose from. There are four revealed now, and I’m pretty excited about what they’re still hiding up their sleeve.

Not having ever played a Warriors game of any description before, I also get the nice bonus of this being a totally new style of gameplay for me. Running around a battlefield, chopping hundreds of monsters to bits? Taking on huge Zelda bosses in a more fast-paced environment? Playing co-op with the wife? Yes, yes, and yes! Sign me up already!

Kirby and the Rainbow Curse

Kirby: Canvas Curse remains one of my most beloved games on the original DS, and I nearly blew a gasket when I saw that there’s going to be a Wii U sequel.

That same gasket then succeeded in blowing when I realized that the graphics are all done in an adorable claymation style.

Xenoblade Chronicles X

I don’t much care for how gosh-darned anime it looks, but if it’s as engrossing to play as the first Xenoblade Chronicles, I’ll gladly plug another 150 hours into this one. And the Nopon are back, so hooray!

Ugh, but seriously. It’s so freaking anime. Gross.

And I hope the final title is something a little less… dumb.

Mario Maker

It’s exactly what it sounds like. A Nintendo-sanctioned program that lets you build, share, and play your very own Mario levels. It’s really nice to see an official version after the various illegitimate PC editors, but it’s kinda sad that it only includes assets from Super Mario Bros and New Super Mario Bros. So none of the more interesting stuff. Oh well. I’m sure that assets from other games will become paid DLC, and I’m sure that I’ll be more than willing to fork over that cash when the time comes.

Splatoon

A wholly new game for Wii U, and a team-based online (third-person) shooter at that! It’s a goofy paintball game though, so it’s kid-friendly, but that doesn’t mean it’ll be any less fun. No, in fact, this is the first shooter in years that has my full attention.

The gimmick here is that you can cover the arena in you team’s colour of paint, and your avatar can turn into a squid to swim through and hide in that paint. It looks like there’s a certain level of strategy involved, and that just swimming and bouncing around the stages will be a whole lot of fun. Honestly, I think I could actually spend as much time playing this as I did Unreal Tournament. And let me tell you, I played a lot of Unreal Tournament back in the day. I think it probably still holds the record for PC game that I’ve put the most time into.

All of that was enough to take in, but there were plenty of other games that didn’t make the cut and were only seen on the show floor. Everything on 3DS that isn’t Pokémon, for example. Also a new Star Fox game and a couple new projects that Miyamoto is working on.

Immediate buzz is that Nintendo won E3 this year, and if I had seen anything from any of the competition, I’d be able to agree. If nothing else, the Wii U has a friggin’ excellent bunch of software in the pipe. Hopefully that’s what it needs to turn its lagging sales around. Mario Kart 8 was a massive shot in the arm, and a showing like this can only make things better.

Yeah, so. 2015 is going to be a pretty expensive year. If you start to see me hanging out on the streets in the seedier parts of town late at night, it’s probably because I need to bring in some extra income so that I can buy all these darned video games.

Final Fantasy: All The Boringest

I know I said before that I’m not intending to use my new tablet as a gaming device, but the fact of the matter is that it’s a new toy, and I need to put it through its paces. That and I’d kinda like to have one or two little games I can poke at for a for a few minutes before bed, or when I don’t have enough time left in my lunch break to finish another chapter in a book.

So I browsed whatever it is that they call the Android app store, to see what kind of games are popular with tablet users. As expected, it was pretty much all stuff I’ve never heard of and didn’t look interesting to me. Also there was Minecraft Pocket Edition for $7, which I’m still mulling over (I give it a couple weeks before I give in). I did try to install a free Minecraft clone just to get my fix, but apparently it’s either broken or incompatible with my device because it refused to download.

In the end, I found myself buried in a page full of pricey mobile ports of classic Final Fantasy titles. I kinda want one, but I really don’t want to pay $16. Then I noticed that one was listed as free. That game is Final Fantasy: All The Bravest. And I’ll tell you right now, that it’s not even worth your zero dollars. If I had a dime for every free mobile game I’ve said that about…

I guess it came out some time ago, but never caught my attention since, as I’ve mentioned many many times, I don’t really use my phone for games. Also it’s a freemium game and I try to stay away from those as much as possible because I hate that model more than anything. I’m not the kind of person who doesn’t want to pay for video games, but I’d much rather pay upfront than play a “free” game and then get shaken down over and over if I want to enjoy the game to its fullest. Just call it a freaking demo already!

ffatb01

The idea of the game is that you have a legion of little dudes based on the myriad of Final Fantasy jobs. You know, knights, monks, mages of all colours. Anyhow, you start with four, and as you level up, your squad will get bigger and bigger until you’re rocking a troupe of 32 guys. You can even bump it up to 40 if you send out a few tweets through the game. So you have this weird thing where it’s a classic FF battle screen, but your side is just swarming with party members instead of having the nice clean lineup of four or five.

The entire game is battling monsters and bosses. The way battles are fought is that you tap on your dudes and they do an attack. Then you wait for their ATB gauge to fill and then tap them again. Do this until the enemy dies. That is literally all there is. Different job do different attack animations, but they all simply attack. It’s mindless and repetitive, not even giving you the satisfaction of feeling like you’re the one who led your team to victory.

So all you do is swipe around the screen and watch as your guys just keep attacking over and over. Until they die, at least, which is often, because every guy on your team dies in a single hit from an enemy. If your team wipes, you have two options. You can wait, as one guy will regenerate every three minutes, so you can just flip over to a book and read for a bit while you wait for your team to recover. The best thing about the game is that when your squad is ready to go again, the alert sound is a little 16-bit chocobo wark.

The other way to recover your team is to use a gold hourglass, which is where things take a sharp turn for the worse. Gold hourglasses, you see, cost real dollars. And they’re only the tip of that iceberg.

While you recruit the 25 generic job class characters as you play through the game, you can also have actual legacy characters join up with you. There are a total of 35 premium characters to buy, but they cost $1.06 each and are handed out randomly. So if you want to have a cute little Rinoa sprite in your party, you might have to pay upwards of $35 before she shows up. It’s terrible.

There are also a few world packs that cost like $4 or something each, which give you a little bang for your buck, since they give you a whole new set of levels, enemies and weapons, rather than just plunking in one random character who may or may not show up in your randomly-selected party.

ffatb02

So if there isn’t anything to the gameplay and the microtransactions are useless and exploitative, what is the appeal of this game? Honestly, I don’t really know. The only thing close to actual FF gameplay is farming enemies for rare weapon drops. I suppose it’s trying to coast on nostalgia, but it does a pretty bad job at that. You can’t see any of the beloved characters without paying out the nose, and even the overworld maps are incredibly generic and lazy. There is a catalog of all the characters, weapons, and enemies you’ve seen that has humorous descriptions to read, but that’s really not enough.

The music is good. There’s that, I guess. It’s all from past FF games, as it should be.

The bottom line is that if you’re looking at the Final Fantasy: All The Bravest page in an app store of some sort, it’s not worth your time. I played through it (and didn’t spend a cent) and I strongly regret the time I spent with it. I could have been doing anything else and been more satisfied. I could have been playing an incomplete, poorly-controlling version of Minecraft instead. You know, that actually sounds pretty good right now…

Dark Souls: Killer Forest

Previously on Dark Souls: Morgan explored a cavern filled with skeletons and whatnot, and discovered a very important item.

I climbed out from the twisting caverns of the Catacombs and shielded my eyes from the sunlight. It had been a while since I’d been above ground, and the brightness was a little distracting while I was fighting the skeletons between the cave’s mouth and Firelink Shrine’s bonfire.

At this point, I was rocking a pretty significant surplus of souls, so I sauntered back to Andre’s forge in the Undead Parish. I had the blacksmith upgrade a bit of my gear, and then purchased the outrageously expensive Crest of Artorias from him. I had no idea what horrors that crest kept locked away, but I felt like whatever it was couldn’t be any worse than Anor Londo.

Heading back to the massive set of doors in Darkroot Garden, I slotted the crest into the circular  indentation in the middle. The crest shone brightly and the doors opened on their own, revealing a vast forested area. I stepped in cautiously, and before I made it very far, I was accosted by ghostly wizard. He wasn’t like the malicious invaders that I had fought earlier, but he was no less fierce in his onslaught, tossing magical bolts at me like there was no tomorrow.

I defeated the wizard, at a great cost to my health, but as his figure faded from the world, another apparition jumped out from the trees. I had no choice but to run, and I quickly hobbled up the stairway and through the garden’s doors. I hung a quick right and hid in the shadow of the nearby wall, hoping to elude the spectre. But when I leaned against the wall, to my surprise, it simply vanished! Hiding behind this false wall was a most welcome bonfire. Now that I had a nearby rest stop, the woods ahead seemed that much less daunting.

Refreshing at the bonfire, I headed back to the forest. Straight ahead is where the ghosts lurked, and to the left was a cliff that dropped off into nothingness. I decided to see what was over to the right, hugging the wall to avoid and ghostly encounters. Unfortunately, that side of the forest is literally covered with weed-monsters. These guys are harmless if you’re fighting them one-on-one, but in a group of seven or more? Yeah, you’re boned. You Died.

I decided to take my chances with the ghosts again. I figured that at least I’d be able to take them on one at a time. I was wrong. I guess I walked a little too far into the trees, and two of the spooks flanked me on either side. I ran back to the doorway, and hid behind the staircase, hoping that they would lose track of me and go back to whatever they were doing before I showed up.

To my great surprise, both ghosts ran up the staircase and lept off the top, over my head, and into the abyss below. I stood there, dumbfounded, looking into the fog. After a few seconds, their souls floated up and added to my wallet.

That was a freebie.

There were a few more ghosts in the forest, and I decided that despite it being terribly unlikely, I’d try to have them run off the cliff again. And they did. Each and every one of them. I suppose that all of these guys died of massive head wounds.

Moving on, I came to the remains of a small tower that bridged a gorge between the two halves of the forest. Inside the rubble was a large cat-like monster. It noticed me before I walked in, but didn’t attack me. Instead, the creature talked to me. She warned me that the depths of the forest were a sacred place, and that I should turn around and leave. I stated that I had no intention of doing so, which made her quite cross with me. From that point onward, she refused to speak even a word to me.

At least she wasn’t trying to eat my flesh, I suppose.

The far side of the forest was comparatively peaceful. There were no ghosts, or weed monsters, or murderous statues or anything. There were a bunch of little mushroom-looking creatures running about in circles, but they didn’t appear to have any interest in me. I was cautious around them at first, but one came up behind me and simply brushed past me without so much as turning to look at me. Sure, why not?

But there was a darker side to these mushroom folk. In the center of this area was a small pond. In that pond were two much larger mushroom people. They were at least three times the size of the waist-high munchkins that toddled around endlessly. The big ones didn’t move at all. They simply stood watch over a treasure chest seated right in the middle of the pond. Obviously I went for the treasure, and even more obviously, the big mushroom guys didn’t like that much.

One mushroom-man stayed to protect their cache while the other began lumbering towards me. It slowly raised a fist, and I raised my shield to absorb the blow. When it connected, I was launched back several feet, and I’d taken a massive blow to my health. These mushroom-men were not fooling around. I got up and carefully engaged the mushroom. I swiftly evaded his next punch, but when I went to counterattack, he surprised me with a follow-up swing. You Died.

Tune in next week for Part 25: Throw Me a Frickin’ Bone

Here, have some Mario Kart 8 videos

Despite my apathy toward it, Wifey convinced me to buy her Mario Kart 8. As it turns out, it’s really, really good. Also it has a built-in feature that lets you upload your race replays directly to YouTube. I wanted to put up full replays, but my internet is so damned slow that even the default 30-second highlight reels take 40+ minutes to upload. So I won’t really be using this feature for now.

That said, here are highlights of my first runs through all of the Mushroom Cup courses. They’re… I don’t know, maybe mildly interesting at best.

Monthend Video Game Wrap-Up: May 2014

May came in like a lion and… well, it was pretty heavy on games I wanted to play throughout. A stark contrast to an April that saw almost no new games and gave me ample time to work on my enormous backlog. Luckily, most of May’s releases were cheap Virtual Console Mega Man games, so I didn’t have to choose between video games or paying the bills.

But yeah, May 1st saw one of the best eShop updates in a long time, and then the new Kirby and Mario Golf came out on the second. Also there was that massive Humble Store spring sale. Needless to say, I’ve been keeping very busy, which is great because the wait for Smash Bros would be killing me if my 3DS (and PC, I guess) weren’t so jam packed with games I want to play.

~ Now Playing ~

Mario Golf: World Tour (3DS) – I never got into Mario Golf on N64, but I played the stuffing out of the GameCube entry. I waited very impatiently through several delays for this one, and it was so worth it. The Castle Club “story” mode is a bit confusing and overcomplicated, but a free play mode exists, so ignoring that business is pretty easy.

Continue reading Monthend Video Game Wrap-Up: May 2014

Filler time: Articles for grown-ups

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me: I’m a child living an adult’s life. I appreciate a lot of things that people my age aren’t supposed to, if advertising and demographics have anything to say about it. Marketing is all a big load of crap, anyway.

I guess the point is that I don’t have any ideas in my head at the moment, and I don’t have the gumption to type up the weekly Dark Souls entry. Wait, no, that’s what I wasn’t supposed to say. I’m supposed to make it seem like I’m doing something inspired.

Anyway, I type about a lot of goofy things that are emblematic of childhood. Cartoons, Nintendo games, candy. If you scroll up from the bottom of the article list, you’ll see that it takes a long time to get to anything very grown-uppy. Or at least, that’s my interpretation of it. So that’s why today, I’m going to link you to a small selection of old articles that stand out as somewhat more mature among the sea of childish crap that I’ve written.

28 Days Later (2003) – The first movie I ever reviewed, and it’s a scaaary one. Probably because it’s one of the first (if not the actual first) movies with fast zombies. So it turns a kind of slow, tense staple into something much more fierce and immediately frightening. Please note that I have not watched this movie since then.

Catherine (2011) – Undoubtedly a truly mature game, as it deals with many very grown-up themes. Also there are boobies and monsters, but the heart of the game is literally about growing up, accepting responsibility, and figuring out what you want to do with your life.

Chicken Wings (2005) – Chicken wings are undoubtedly a fun finger food, which is pretty child-like, However, wings are most prominent where? Bars, that’s where. Kids don’t go to bars. They’re also one of the staple foods of sports-watching, or so I’ve been told, and sports-watching is a pretty grown-up kind of thing.

Mate1.com Hates You (2006) – To date, still the most popular thing I’ve ever published, if fan e-mails are anything to go by. Mate1.com, if you’re not already aware, is an online dating website. Those are most definitely not for children. It’s not really for anybody, as far as this article is concerned.

Remembering the Cottage (2007) – Yeah, it’s an article entirely about childhood memories, but that in and of itself makes it kinda grown-up, right? I mean, kids don’t reminisce. You have to be old and at least a little world-weary before you really understand nostalgia. Some might say that I’m not old enough to say something like that, but I respectfully have no comment.

True Crime: Streets of LA (2003) – The first video game that I wrote about that earned an M rating from the ESRB. I guess that’s all I really have to say about that. I haven’t written about a lot of games that feature non-laser guns.

Year of N64 – May: Quest 64

Here’s the thing. I didn’t read much in the way of games journalism back in 1998. I read Nintendo Power. Sometimes I may have seen an article or preview in a friend’s EGM or something, but the internet was still new to me. All I knew is was a place where you could find cheats and FAQs for video games, outrageous Flash cartoons on Newgrounds, and pictures of naked ladies. I didn’t really know about message boards. I didn’t read online reviews.

I know Quest 64 has a bad reputation, and I’ve read bits and pieces about it over the years. But really, the most I can tell you about why people dislike it is simply speculation, because I wasn’t there when it happened, and I might be the only person in the world who has written a retrospecitve on friggin’ Quest 64.

Continue reading Year of N64 – May: Quest 64

Dark Souls: Spooky

Previously on Dark Souls: Morgan descended into the Catacombs, where necromancers and traps aplenty waited for her. Also a titanite demon ruined her day over and over again.

I made my way back down from the Catacombs’ bonfire to the mausoleum where the titanite demon lurked. Ignoring the statuesque monster, I made a quick right turn into the small room revealed by a broken wall. Upon stepping into the empty room, though, the weak floor collapsed and I fell into another dark room below.

Before I realized what had happened, I felt the sting of a blade tearing across my back. I was thrown forward by the blow, and summoning up what little strength I had left, I turned to face my attacker. A black knight towered above me, and between the impact of the fall and his first strike, I was too weak to do anything as he brought down his weapon to finish the job. You Died.

The second time in the room with the crumbly floor, I took things a little slower. I couldn’t find anything interesting, so I peered into the hole I’d made previously to see if I could get the drop on the black knight. I couldn’t see him, so I carefully hopped down into the room below. This time, it was curiously empty. I kept my guard up.

Given the time to assess my situation, I was able to notice this time that one of the walls in this room was missing, leading into the bottom of the giant chasm that made up the central feature of the Catacombs. It was covered in bones and gore from one end to the other, with a shallow stream running down the middle. I could make out a bunch of weird creatures moving about in the distance.  I let an arrow loose in their direction, which got their attention pretty handily.

The odd monsters turned out to be skeleton wheels. They were much like normal skeletons, but with a massive, spiked, wooden wheel fused to them. The skeletons rode around on these wheels at an alarming speed, so I stood on the edge of the room and lobbed fireballs at them when they got close until they were all dead.

Exploring the chasm floor slowly and quietly, I found a fog wall on the opposite end, which I elected to ignore for the moment. On a nearby ledge, I could see a corpse dangling just out of reach, with the telltale glimmer of an item to be pilfered. It didn’t look like there was any way up there, so I’d have to have a look around at the higher levels to see if maybe there was a way down.

As I bumbled around in the mess of bones, I could hear a faint “tink tink tink” coming from somewhere nearby, but I wasn’t able to locate the source of the noise. Whether that was for better or for worse, I had no idea.

I rounded a corner that led into a narrow passage, and out of nowhere came that black knight who accosted me before. I fought with all my courage and strength, but the black knights are tough customers. It certainly didn’t help that he got an easy free strike by surprising me. You Died.

Heading back to the bottom, I decided this time to just clear out the skeleton wheels the normal way – with my axe. That didn’t go so well. You might not imagine that a pile of bones attached to an oversized wagon wheel would be so dangerous, but they are! They’re fast and hit like a truck. You Died.

Before entering the titanite demon’s mausoleum, I peered down into the chasm. It was too dark to make out anything from than height, but I could barely make out a small ledge quite a ways below me. I wasn’t going to try making such a long leap, but one of those damned exploding skulls had somehow avoided my blade, and spooked me from behind, sending me tumbling down into the darkness.

I landed on the ledge below with a sickening thud. Getting up slowly and having a look around, I saw that the small ledge with the corpse that I’d spied earlier was just a short hop down from the ledge I’d landed on. I climbed down and gathered a mace and some equipment that would better fit a priest. A summoning sign also made its home on this ledge, so I made use of it and called up a phantom named Paladin Leeroy.

Leeroy immediately jumped down and started tearing apart the skeletons wheels. With such a capable ally, I figured now would be a good time to see what was on the other side of that fog wall.

We passed through and jumped down into a small chamber than looked like some sort of experimentation room. It was covered in skeletons, and at the far end was a robe-covered figure hunched over an altar of some sort. The figure turned around, revealing a collection of three masks where its face should have been. Six lanterns on sticks sprouted from its back like spindly arms. The monster cast a spell and suddenly two copies of it appeared from out of thin air.

Leeroy ran at the monster with a fierce battle cry, while I desperately tried to fend off one of the copies. All at once though, the copies vanished and I turned to watch the monster wail in defeat and crumple to the ground. Leeroy looked proud of himself for besting it so quickly as he disappeared in a flash of light, as phantoms do.

I investigated the now lonely room and found a small tome on the altar called the “Rite of Kindling.” In it, I learned that I could kindle a bonfire up to three times, which would fill my Estus Flask with 20 charges as opposed to the basic 5. This would be my most valuable discovery yet.

Tune in next week for Part 24: Killer Forest

To Read an E

I got this thing the other day. But I suppose that isn’t the beginning of the story…

koboarc7

I’ve been buying Humble Bundles here and there, and since I’m very interested in the promos, I’ve agreed to let them send me emails about new Bundles and other related stuff. It was a couple months ago that I got an ad for Story Bundle, which is a similar idea, but they sell bunched of e-books instead of video games.

Anyway, the Story Bundle advertised was the third bundle of video game-related books. I wasn’t too interested, even though it included the entire run of Ray Barnholt’s Scroll magazine, which I really wanted, but would rather have the actual magaznies than epubs of. However, one word caught my eye and convinced me to drop the twelve bucks or whatever: Earthbound.

Yep, they sold me with a book about Earthbound. How was I supposed to resist that? You can present me with basically any piece about Earthbound and I’d gleefully read it. I just love the way that everybody seems to have a different story to tell about it. Anyway, I read that book right away on my phone, since I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. It was a painful experience, trying to read a novel on such a tiny screen. It was then that I decided it was finally time to pick up an eReader.

I kind of forgot about that mission for a while though.

Last weekend, the wife and I were killing some time in Chapters before a movie, and I noted that there was a big kiosk covered in eReaders. We talked about it and looked at them for a while, and decided to think about it and make our decision after looking around the rest of the store. I hung out in the comics section while she browsed, and when we reconvened, we selected the Kobo Arc 7HD.

This, I should note, is not really an eReader. It’s a straight-up tablet that’s very transparently masquerading as an eReader. See, I originally wanted to go cheap, but then we decided we wanted a colour screen, and from there it wasn’t a much more expensive leap to this bad girl. She was on sale too, so if there was ever a time to make a spontaneous technology purchase, that was it.

I never really wanted a tablet, but I couldn’t be happier with my purchase. I’m still not very familiar with the Android OS, but I’m getting there, and it’s been fun to learn how to use a new device. I’ve discovered that I really love reading on it, which I didn’t think I would. I love the feel and smell of a book, but the tablet is just so comfortable and light. I really had no idea how little I would miss flipping pages.

It’s also become my second favourite way to browse the internet. It loses out to the Wii U gamepad because I prefer browsing with a stylus to a finger, but it’s certainly more convenient, since the startup time is quite literally two seconds.

The only thing I dislike about this tablet is that it doesn’t have an SD card slot. Not that that’s really a huge issue, because I’ve been living with an iPhone for four and a half years now, but I may have shopped around a little more if I’d even thought about that beforehand. Also, I bought the thing to read books, not for games or music or movies. Sure, it can do those things, but I don’t see myself using it for them often, if at all.