Horsin’ around

I’ve only watched an episode and a half, but already I’m totally smitten with the latest Netflix original series: BoJack Horseman.

bojack

It’s an animated series about a washed-up sitcom actor, who also happens to be a horse. I guess the first season is supposed to be about him writing his memoirs, and also having adventures of some sort on the side. Like I said, I’ve only seen an episode and a half, but so far it’s hilarious, and that’s enough to keep me interested.

So why should you watch it? Will Arnett is the voice of BoJack, Amy Sedaris and Allison Brie play secondary characters. Patton Oswalt guest stars as a down-on-his-luck penguin. There is an extended scene of BoJack barfing up a mountain of cotton candy in the first episode. What else do you need to know? Seriously.

Ninja Turtles 2014

tmnt2014I saw the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. It’s not a good movie, but I liked it. I walked out of the theater with that excited feeling you get after seeing an action movie, and the rest of the crowd seemed pretty content as well.

More than anything, this movie has made me realize how much I hate nerds. No, this movie is not going to win any awards. It’s not deep. It’s not artsy. But it was never supposed to be. It’s a summer action blockbuster. It’s not supposed to make you think, it’s just supposed to be fun. So shut up, nerds, and just friggin’ Enjoy A Thing.

I may be a little biased, of course, so take that with a grain of salt.

Anyway, while my overall opinion on the movie is “I had a good time,” there were plenty of things that caused my nerdy self to squirm.

First thing: Splinter. I don’t mind the new physical design, but what’s the deal with his voice? I understand that he’s not a Japanese man-turned-rat here, but he just doesn’t sound very Splintery. And doing an Italian accent? Yeesh. Also, what even is going on with his tail? Can it just extend and retract at will? Because that’s what it looked like. And that’s just stupid. I don’t care if he’s a mutant or not. It’s dumb and is probably the thing that bugged me the most.

I also didn’t care for Shredder’s suit. The gauntlets covered in retractable blades are one thing, but the fact that they shoot out and then fly back into the gauntlets? That’s a bit too silly, even for me. But I get it; if I were eight years old, I would be over the moon for a Shredder with gloves that shoot boomerang blades. If fact, it’s probably something I doodled in a schoolbook back when I was that age.

It also feels Shredder almost seemed like he was shoehorned into a movie where he didn’t really belong. He wasn’t really the big bad ninja crime lord that we know and love, he was essentially just the muscle for the real villain of the film. He had absolutely nothing in the way of character development. Yes, his inclusion made for some good (and characteristically brutal) fight scenes, but that could have been accomplished by making the Foot Clan actual ninjas rather than your run-of-the-mill private army. I know you’re modernizing it for the Call of Duty generation, but… is that really necessary? My point is that Shredder would have better served as the main villain of the inevitable sequel.

You know what? Karai should have been the ninja boss of this movie. She was there the whole damn time, but she didn’t really do anything. And it would have worked perfectly, too. Turtles warm up on Shredder’s apprentice in the first movie, and then move onto the main main in the sequel. It practically writes itself.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles suffers the same problem as the live-action Transformers movies: too much reliance on humans when people are there specifically to see the titular non-human characters. I don’t give a rat’s patoot about Megan Fox. Sure, she can pal around with them, but she should not be the main character of the film. On the other hand, that did allow for Will Arnett to have plenty of screen time, and that’s never a bad thing.

The whole chase/mountainside scene that formed the middle of the film was completely unnecessary and out of character for the franchise. It just felt really weird. It took me a while, but I’ve realized that Ninja Turtles is actually just a classic James Bond flick in disguise. I could go into detail about how I came to that conclusion, but that’s another post. It’d probably be longer than this one, even.

So what’s good about it? The Turtles are great, it’s just that they don’t get enough focus or characterization because it’s gotta be all Megan Fox all the time in this one. And I don’t care what anyone says, I like the new designs (they’re just a little too tall). I love that Donatello wears glasses, and I never thought that I’d like Raph as a massive bruiser as much as I do. The fight scenes pleased me to no end, aside from Splinter’s extendable tail and Shredder’s overblown hardware. It was funny; a very good percentage of the jokes made me laugh out loud. Karai was in it. She didn’t really do anything, but she’s established at least. Maybe she’ll have a bigger actual role in the sequel.

At the end of the day, though, I enjoyed it. Like I said at the top, it’s not a good movie, but it’s fun enough if you just take it on its own terms. If you’re looking for actual good TMNT media, check out the Nickelodeon cartoon or the current comic series. The former is excellent and the latter is outstanding. Seriously, go get you some of that. I love that comic.

Smash Speculation: Shovel Knight

Smash 4 already has three third-party characters. I fully understand that it’s almost impossible that another one will show up at this point, but I’ve got to let my inner fanboy out, if even for just a little while…

~ Shovel Knight ~

smashknight

If you ignore the whole third-party business, Shovel Knight isn’t a totally impossible dream. His game was originally developed with Nintendo systems in mind (and also PC, but whatever), and it has done quite well for itself on the Wii U and 3DS. I’ve even heard from a handful of people that they think Shovel Knight has the best implementation of StreetPass in any game to date. So that’s something.

Anyway, Shovel Knight is a nearly perfect video game, and its titular character is a unique and versatile fighter. He’s got a bevy of special attacks, and his main weapon is a shovel! It works mostly like a sword, but make no mistake, there’s plenty of actual shoveling to go along with the monster-slaying. As a video game character, he would fit in perfectly with the Smash Bros crowd. I just don’t know if he’d fit a 3D render well. Maybe he’d just show up as a flat character like Mr. Game & Watch.

His basic attacks would obviously be shovel-based. In most video games, when you whack an enemy, the enemy bounces back a little. However, in Shovel Knight, when you whack an enemy, Shovel Knight bounces back a little. It takes a long time to get used to, and while it would be a weird quirk in Smash, I’m not sure I’d want to incorporate it. It would simply make it impossible for Shovel Knight to combo. It’d all come down to single hits, which is not an overly effective play style. He’d absolutely keep his ability to pogo off of enemies, as that’s just a lot of fun to do on it’s own, regardless of its effectiveness in battle (it would be effective in battle though).

Needless to say, his basic down attack would be to simply dig. The action itself would cause little damage, but bits of dirt and other debris would fly up as they’re unearthed to hit a little harder. I think it would be neat if this move also occasionally unearthed items.

Shovel Knight gains a total of eleven different “relics” over the course of his adventure. I’ve found a way to incorporate all of them into his moveset, even though the final few took a little more elbow grease than I’d have liked. In this way, he’ll be kinda similar to how Snake was in Brawl, where he fights with a bevy of gadgets that maybe make him a little bit harder to learn than your average fighter. His first trick, the Mobile Gear, would be his dashing attack. It’s a little gear that SK stands on as it wheels forward, damaging any foes that it crashes into. SK could still swing his shovel too, to hit enemies that jump up out of the Mobile Gear’s path. It wouldn’t stop until it hits a wall, and it does a little hop off of edges, just like in the source material.

Side smash is the Dust Knuckles, a large set of gauntlets that propel Shovel Knight slightly forward as he punches, and can be chained endlessly as long as there is something to hit in front of him. You’d pass through an enemy after two punches though, to keep it from being able to stunlock guys to death. Up smash is the Throwing Anchor, which works just like a Castlevania axe. Travels in a high arc. There isn’t much to it. Down smash is the War Horn, which knocks away all enemies in a short radius. It wouldn’t cause very much damage, instead being mostly a crowd control ability.

Neutral special is Flare Wand. It shoots a fireball straight forward. There is literally nothing else that I can add to this.

Up special is the Phase Locket. It gives Shovel Knight about two seconds of invincibility. He is immobile for about half a second when he uses it. There has to be some sort of control on it though, as it could be really cheap. Maybe SK wouldn’t be able to hit anyone or pick up any items while phased? Perhaps it just needs to charge before being used again. Or maybe we turn it into yet another counterattack move. But I really don’t want to resort to that unless there’s absolutely no other way to properly balance it. Or is it balanced enough by not providing any sort of recovery? Can the world accept another character without a triple jump?

Side special is the Propeller Dagger. This is SK’s recovery move, but it only works horizontally. Shovel Knight thrusts forward with dagger in hand, flying a good distance forward and impaling any foes on the way. It’s another fairly straightforward attack that I don’t feel needs to be elaborated on.

Down special uses the Alchemy Coin. I’m not entirely sure on how I want to play this one. In the original game, the coin rolls along the floor and turns any monsters it touches into money. It could just do the rolling part here and cause damage, since I doubt we’re going to be turning fighters into cash. I suppose it could have a chance of knocking items out of anyone it hits? We’ll have to workshop it.

Shovel Knights taunts are also important! His up taunt will produce a Troupple Chalice, and when full, it will provide one of three effects: small damage recovery, brief invincibility, or temporarily make items gravitate towards SK. The chalice can only be used once! Unless you use down taunt near a ledge, which will use the Fishing Rod. Using it on solid ground will only make it hit the ground and do nothing, but it would cause one or two percent damage to anyone it hits. If used on a ledge and the hook goes off the bottom of the screen, a troupple will be fished up and fill your chalice. The effect that you gain would be random. I think that’s kind of a neat way to go about it.

Lastly, Shovel Knight’s final smash would use the Chaos Spheres. In it, he would lift off the ground a little bit, and then start chucking Chaos Spheres in all directions (the player can control this), which bounce off of any solid objects (including other players) they hit and cause a reasonable amount of damage. Even when the attack is over, the spheres would persist until they’ve all bounced off the screen. You might think that calling in Shield Knight or the Black Knight might make for a better final smash, but I really wanted to use up that last relic, and I like the idea of them being assist trophies instead.

OKAY! That was an exhaustive rundown of just how Shovel Knight would work in Smash. Not so differently than he works in his own game, as it turns out! I know that this one is absolute fantasy, but I really am digging the idea of having Shovel Knight as a playable Smash character. A boy can dream…

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Beans

beans

I think that this picture of a tub of jelly beans next to a cup of edamame is a perfect representation of my eating habits on the whole. Maybe even of my entire lifestyle.

I’ll let you figure out exactly what that means on your own. Consider it a thought exercise.

Oh No(MoWo)

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been listening to No More Whoppers a lot over the last couple of months, and it’s had a very profound effect on me.

See, despite the fact that it’s called No More Whoppers, ever since I’ve been listening to it, I have had an insatiable craving for Whoppers. It’s not like the BK News segment even shows up very often past the first dozen episodes. I just can’t shake the need for a Whopper these days.

I have only submitted to my craving once in this time, and it was because I was having a particularly bad day and I needed to eat my feelings. I don’t know if I can stay strong for much longer though.

That’s all. Just a weird little story today. Happy Sunday.

A snake of the lightest shade

Let’s take a short moment to talk about something completely unrelated to that one thing that I’m always blogging about.

Unfortunately, my diversion is headed right into talk about music, that most loathed topic of the TE readership. Or so I’ve heard. From one person. Years and years ago.

I haven’t bought or even illegally downloaded any music in what seems like forever now. In reality, my iTunes receipts show that I bought two albums in early June: Freezepop’s Future Future Future Perfect and Whitesnake’s… Whitesnake. The second one is the one I want to talk about.

whitesnake

I’ve never been a really big Whitesnake fan, but I suppose that’s because I’ve only ever known “Here I Go Again” and “Is This Love,” which were never really enough to make me want to explore more. Then one morning, I had the song “Still of the Night” stuck in my head, but I didn’t know the artist. I Googled it, and that set off a chain reaction of events that led to me purchasing the album through iTunes.

I think that made it sound a little more exciting than it actually was, yes?

Anyway, I fell for the album from song one. I had always assumed that Whitesnake was just another hair band, but honestly, I think that their music, at least on the Whitesnake album, is a lot more impressive than the likes of Poison or Def Leppard. Heavier and more technical at the very least. I don’t know if I’ll be buying any more of their stuff, but I’ll certainly be more inclined to consider it.

The opening song, “Crying in the Rain” is great, a bluesy track that normally you’d expect to see closer to the end of an album. I think it works pretty well as an opener, though. “Still of the Night” is my jam. And my favourite track is “Straight for the Heart,” which is probably the most upbeat song on the album. It sorta makes me think of Van Halen for some reason, though it doesn’t really sound like Van Halen. It’s also got my favourite guitar solo on an album that is absolutely laden with guitar solos.

I’ll keep it brief. I think that’s already more than enough of my amateurish musings on a 27-year-old album. If you like guitars and 80’s music at all, then this is something you’ll definitely like. In fact, if you’re into those things, you’ve probably already well aware of this particular album. I’m quite late to the party on this one.

Smash Speculation: Toon Ganondorf

We’ve seen a handful of alternate version characters that I’d like to see, and while I hesitate to suggest an outright character replacement, I have a very good reasoning behind making such a suggestion:

~ Toon Ganondorf ~

smashganondorf

Here’s the thing: Ganondorf, in his current Smash incarnation, is boring as all heck. He’s the slowest guy on the roster, and he’s an outright copy of Captain Falcon. Also, Ganondorf just isn’t overly interesting to begin with. Not the beefy, realistic Ganondorf anyway. He’s so one-dimensional that it offends even me. Toon Ganondorf though? Now we’re talking.

The thing that makes Toon Ganondorf appealing to me is the way that he was portrayed in The Wind Waker. He was the same Ganondorf as in one or more of the previous games, and he was old and weary. He’d been beaten and sealed away at least once, and maybe had even turned into a pig monster for a brief moment in time. He was sick and tired of getting bested by the Hero of Whatever, and he knew what he had to do to finally seize victory.

Of course, that didn’t quite work out, but his backstory and demeanor in Wind Waker certainly make him the deepest and most interesting incarnation of Ganondorf. So let’s put that guy in. Give him a fresh set of moves, give him a slick new look, and make him a character worth playing as. I guess you’d have to give him a little more speed too. Ganondorf as-is is just too slow to bother with.

Obviously, this guy is going to be the real deal. No more Captain Falcon moves. TG will come boasting his dual blades as well as a few magical attacks. There are already a lot of sword users on the Smash lineup, but TG will be unique as the only one who wields two at once. He’ll have to put one away to pick up items and grab people, but that’s not really an issue. I think that all of his normal attacks would utilize the swords, and that his specials would be where his magic powers come into play. He doesn’t use much in the way of magic in Wind Waker, so it’s fitting that he relies mostly on physical strength here.

The smash attacks might differ a little too. You could go with the swords and make them generic big hit moves, but why not draw a little from his own physical strength. He gives Link a brutal beatdown with just his fists just before the final fight in Wind Waker, so make his forward smash a triple punch combo with a little forward momentum. Kinda like Link’s forward smash, but with three hits instead of two. Up smash is an uppercut or something, I guess. There isn’t a specific precedent to draw from, so we’ll just slot a generic move in there. Down smash should be a low forward kick, which TG uses in Wind Waker to knock Link on his butt if he’s blocking too much. Down smashes usually hit on both sides of a character, but this one can be one-way. It fits, trust me.

Down special is the easiest, it would be the somewhat overused counterattack; let’s call it Parry. To date, nine characters have some variation of a counterattack as one of their special moves. But it fits here! Parrying is an advanced technique in Wind Waker, and it’s the only game in the series that uses it. Not to mention that you must parry Ganondorf to strike the final blow against him in that game, so it’s also a bit of an ironic inclusion. Plus, TG is a swordfighter, so it only makes sense. I don’t know that it really needs any special attributes to make it stand out from the other counterattacks, but for fun, let’s just say that it works even against attacks that are normally unblockable.

Up special, I don’t know. We could give Toon Ganondorf his own version of the spin attack, which could have a wider attack range thank Link’s, but it would have slightly less power and maybe wouldn’t be as good for recovery. Maybe it moves better horizontally than vertically? On the other hand, perhaps he could have an upward sword thrust move more akin to Mario’s super jump punch. Coat the swords in magical flame or bolts and call it a day. Since there are variable special moves, you could even choose between giving the attack a fire, electric, or ice element.

Side special is a magic blast. Make it like Ganon’s, I guess. I really doubt that both of these characters would make it into the game, so I’ll let them share a special move. If you didn’t read the last entry, for whatever reason, basically it’s a magic ball that can be reflected back and forth, increasing in power each time it’s knocked back. You know, the tennis ball magic that’s in so many Zelda games. It works just fine with Toon Ganondorf, as his phantoms use it in Wind Waker.

For the neutral special, I want to use those phantoms again. Zelda has actually taken this attack for herself in Smash 4, where she summons a phantom to rush forward and attack. But Zelda summons an armored phantom from the DS games. TG would summon the ghostly phantom from Wind Waker (natch), which would function essentially the same. Since TG’s phantom floats though, you could direct it upward (and downward if using it in midair), rather than having it move on a strictly horizontal path.

Toon Ganondorf’s final smash was easy to think up. He summons the Helmaroc King (the huge bird from Wind Waker) and it swoops across the stage a few times. If it manages to grab any of the other combatants, it’ll immediately chuck them off the screen. Instant KO final smashes aren’t necessarily the greatest, but I like this one. It works with the character and it’s not a sure thing, so it’s fair enough.

So yeah, there you go. Ganondorf completely rebuilt with his very own moveset for a new generation of Smash. As much as I’d like to see Pig Ganon show up as a fighter, I think that giving Ganondorf an overhaul is the much more plausible situation. Even if he doesn’t get the Toon treatment, I’ll be happy if he’s able to move out of that clone ghetto and get some more fitting attacks. It’s not very becoming of the baddest guy on the roster.

 

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On sleep and moving pictures

Back at work today after another week of vacation. This one was an especially grueling return, as I unintentionally developed a habit of staying up until 3 AM and sleeping until around 11 during my time off. This is not good, as someone who normally sleeps from 11 PM to 6 AM. Needless to say, I had a rather difficult time staying awake at work today. By noon I’d downed three cappuccinos, which is one more than I usually drink during the span of an entire workday.

Why was I staying up so late, you ask. Mostly because of computer games. See, I don’t have a clock in my basement, and if my phone is too close to my PC, it causes a weird disruption in the speakers, which then emit some really annoying staticy beeping noises. So all I have to tell time is the computer clock. Which is covered up while playing games in fulllscreen. When I don’t have any plans, I tend to not worry about time as much, and so I’d often end up playing a game until I started feeling tired, and when I close the game and check the clock: oh my goodness! It’s three in the morning! I didn’t realize I’d been playing for so long.

And that’s why it’s better to play console games.

Or something like that. The point is, that I wasted another week of vacation. But that’s pretty much all I intend to do with them anyway. It’s not like I have any money to go away with, so I just enjoy loafing around at home for a week. Makes me happy, at least.

I did watch the first two Gamera movies, though. I own the 11-movie set (which is only missing the 2006 reboot), and so far so good. They’re pretty short too, running an average time of about 80 minutes. That’s actually a good thing, as you really don’t want a lot of padding in your kaiju films. Basically you just need a set-up, the villain monster doing its thing, and then the good monster showing up for a beat-down. It’s a good time to be had by all, as long as you can see the beauty of two guys swiping at each other while wearing goofy rubber suits.

gamera

It’s pretty reasonably priced on Amazon, so if you’ve got a thing for classic kaiju flicks, it’s quite a bargain. And really, how can you not love Gamera? Godzilla is the king of the monsters, sure, but Gamera is so innately lovable. Maybe it’s just because I’ve got a thing for turtles.

I also watched a lot more TV than usual, finishing off the episodes of Portlandia offered by Netflix, and the first two seasons of Seinfeld. The latter is well-known, and still one of my all-time favourite TV shows. Portlandia you may not have heard of. It’s a sketch comedy show that pokes fun mostly at hipsters, but also other wackos like overzealous feminists and hippies. It’s usually pretty funny, and occasionally even hilarious. Definitely a good watch.

I guess that’s about it. I could go into greater detail about my video game adventures, but that’s what the Monthend Wrap-Up is for.Now I’m just going to struggle through the next month of work while I eagerly anticipate my next and final week of vacation time.

Smash Speculation: Ganon

Smash Bros is a fighting game that pits many of Nintendo’s beloved heroes against each other in brutal combat. But why is it all about heroes? To date, there is one villain character confirmed for the new games. Two if you consider Dedede a villain (he’s not). Three if you assume that Ganondorf will be making a return. What I’m saying here is: Smash needs more bad guys!

~ GANON ~

smashganon

Who better than the original villain of the Zelda series, the evil wizard Ganon? Nintendo has sort of brushed this piggly form off to the side to give his human form, Ganondorf, the spotlight. I don’t like this trend. While they’re essentially the same baddie, I find Ganon to be the more interesting and threatening version. Ganondorf is just a regular old power-hungry sociopath. When Ganondorf claimed the Triforce for himself, it reflected his evil nature and twisted his physical form into the blue pig version that you see above.

Ganon carries a massive trident, but he’s always been more keen on ranged combat. His original incarnation fought by teleporting around the room (while also being invisible) and chucking fireballs at Link. When he got his trident in A Link to the Past, he still only fought by throwing it and warping around his chamber. When that proved to be an unsuccessful tactic, he ditched the trident and went back to magical attacks. This isn’t to say that Ganon wouldn’t use the weapon for close-range combat. No, he’s got to have some physical skills to stay in the game, but I think that his slow speed and preference for magic attacks would make him weaker in the physical department.

So what about smashes? Forward smash is the easy one: Ganon throws his trident out slightly in front of him (think Falco’s reflector in Brawl) and it spins around for a second. Down smash could be a low trident swipe at both sides, or maybe Ganon plunges the trident into the ground and it creates a small lightning field on the ground around him. Up smash is the one where I’m stuck. I like the idea of having Ganon send out a flaming keese though.

Neutral special is the most interesting one here. Ganon fires off a ball of magic straight ahead, though potentially it can be curved like Link’s arrows or Zelda’s fireball. The magic ball can be reflected by a sword or similar attack. Ganon can then strike the returning ball to reflect it again, and this cycle will repeat until it flies away or hits someone. Each reflect would increase the magic ball’s power, and it would have an electrical effect upon hitting a target. This attack is taken from A Link to the Past, where it is Agahnim’s signature move, and the only way to defeat him. Agahnim, if you weren’t aware, is Ganon’s Light World alter ego.

Ganon’s side special would also be pried from Agahnim’s repertoire: a simple lightning bolt. Or maybe multiple bolts fanning out at a shallow angle. I can’t think of any especially interesting mechanics for this move, maybe it could cause a small amount of damage through shields, but not be able to break them? Anyway, it’s not a super long-distance attack, only going maybe three or four body lengths away from Ganon, but it’ll get the job done.

Down special is a difficult one to peg, but at first, I like an earthquake move. Say it’s based on the Quake Medallion for A Link to the Past. Ganon thrusts his trident into the ground (again) and creates a quake effect in a decent radius around him. Obviously it doesn’t affect fighters in the air, and if Ganon himself is airborne, he’ll throw the trident straight down and create the same effect, only the weapon itself would now be able to cause damage if it hits someone. If you don’t like that, maybe he gets a warping move where he vanishes, shows up a few lengths away, and then attacks in the opposite direction. Or maybe he warps directly behind the nearest fighter to attack.

Up special I had to think about for a while, but I like the idea of drawing a little from Ganon’s appearance in Four Swords Adventures, and giving him a tornado attack. In that game, he does manipulate Vaati the wind mage, so why not have a wind-based attack. He also uses a jump move while twirling his trident above his head, so just mash that all up together and you’ve got a special attack. Basically what I’m thinking here is Ganon conjures up a tornado around him and then floats up through it with the twirling trident. The tornado will suck up any fighters who get too close, and if they get hit by the trident, they’ll go flying away.

Ganon’s final smash is, as usual, where I’m getting stuck. We could just go with the obvious callback, where Ganon becomes invisible and teleports around the stage launching fireballs at the other fighters. We could go a little more creative and have him summon up a bunch of monsters to attack. We could have him do a line-of-sight attack like Zelda and Link, invoking his Triforce of Power to stun an opponent while he lobs magic attacks at them, and finishes with a big hit (perhaps he throws the trident at them and a bolt of lightning strikes it?).

I definitely need to workshop this one a little more before it’s a good idea, but I think there’s a solid base there. I honestly believe in my heart that Ganon has a good chance of joining the roster. For the longest time he was the second-most iconic villain in Nintendo’s stable, supplanted only by his less interesting human form. All the kids are clamoring for Ridley, but there’s another Nintendo monster that I’d much rather see.

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