I hate socks. You know that? Well now you do. It's not really a well-known fact that I don't hate many things. Hell, I rarely even get truly mad at anything. I may get worked up about certain issues every once in a while, but I always tend to cool off after a minute or so. My philosophy is that nothing good can come of anger, so I do my best to keep it to a minimum. This is kinda hard for me because when I was a kid I threw fits of rage all the time, and short fuses seem to run in my family.
Anyhow, back to the task at hand. There are three things in the world that I hate with so much passion. These things are socks, when people take stuff from me without asking, and computers. While the last is really a love/hate issue, and the second is the one thing that makes me blow up, socks are really more of a passive hatred for me. See, socks don't necessarily anger me, but they do cause me more grief and annoyance than even my greatest foe. So much do they bother me, that I really don't know where to start.
I guess that since I do have to pick somewhere to begin, that we'll go with the most obvious choice, and that would be how I hate putting them on. One of the biggest issue I have with socks is that they're cumbersome to equip. They're not like a shirt which you can just pull on, or pants which you can simply hop into. No. When it comes to socks, you've gotta take a seat and reach all the damn way down to your feet to get 'em on. This may not be as troublesome for some of you, but for a well-rounded man like myself, it can be quite a pain. I just can't imagine how tough it must be for people who are actually fat. The other thing about them is that you have to align them correctly. I know some socks aren't as shaped as others, but most socks are supposed to be put on in a certain way, which takes even more time, and if you manage to botch it, you either have to do it all over again or walk around with an uncomfortable sock all day.
The next thing I hate most about socks is that you have to wear them. They're not optional like a hat or gloves. No, socks are required if you plan to go anywhere. Sure, you can squeak by with sandals on occasion, but those are only good in the summer, and I find sandals to be uncomfortable and unfashionable, so it's hardly worth it to get out of wearing socks. People are out there wasting their time inventing crap we have no need for like tiny little music players, when the real thing they should be researching is shoes that can be worn without socks. Trust me, I've tried going around without socks, but all that accomplishes is ruining your shoes and creating an terrible odor. The lack of socks causes the sweat produced by your feet to get stuck to the inside of the shoes, making them harder to remove, and ruining the soles. Then as an added "bonus", the sweat had some kind of poor reaction with the shoes, making both the foot and the shoe extra-smelly. Actually, this is beginning to sound like reasons why you should wear socks, so I'll move on to more anger.
Another thing I hate, related to the point above, is that socks are annoying to wear. Just think about it. You get home from a long day, and all you want to do is rip off your socks and put your feet up. The problem with this is that once you take them off, you're done for the day. There's no going back, and if you do, you're gonna have to go through the big deal or re-applying the socks. And probably a new pair at that, as putting on not-fresh socks is even worse than usual, as they're already all sweaty and gross. Sure, if you'd just left them on you'd probably never notice the grossness, but when you put used socks back on, you notice that gross. You know you've been there. The greatest part about this article is that it can speak to everyone. I'm sure that everything I mention here is something that everyone's dealt with. You may not have had as much of a problem with it as I do, but you know you've been there.
The final thing I have to complain about is probably the worst. Wet socks. Wet socks are the fucking bane of my existence. Nothing makes me more irritable than wet socks. It's the closest I'll ever come to knowing what those women are going through during their periods, and I'm sure you agree that wet socks are like the worst thing ever. Not only are they uncomfortable as hell, but for the most part, you don't get wet socks in a situation where you're gonna be able to remove them right away. No. It always seems to happen when you're gonna be having the shoes on for an extended period of time. Then you have to slog around all day with wet feet, and chances are that the experience will make you bitter, which will in turn make you lash out at everyone else, bringing them down as well. Wet socks aren't good for anyone. To top it all off, socks are like ten thousand percent harder to remove when wet, like any clothing. It's like they know they're torturing you and don't want it to end. Fucking socks.
And that's pretty much it. With all of the points above, you can more than likely see why I hate socks with a passion, and you're probably gonna be able to relate as well. Socks are just a pain in the ass, and believe you me, when I'm a bajillionaire web celebrity, I'm going to devote a good amount of time and money to finding a way to eliminate the need for socks entirely. And after that, maybe I'll work on cancer or world hunger or something. Because I'm all about helping people. After I've helped myself, anyhow.
~Ryan
E-Mail:
Tuominenator[at]gmail[dot]com
DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE!!
