2004’s Easter Egg-stravaganza!

It’s been Easter again. Last year I did that big Egg-stravaganza thing, but this year it’s just a little photo collection. But why have I gone all half-assed? For one, there wasn’t really enough to make a real article out of, and none is really as interesting as that mystery chocolate was. Secondly, it’s more or less that same thing as last year, but with more of the “random stuff” than things that stand out. Finally, I’m just too friggin’ lazy to even try to pump that many words out when it’s not meant to be done. And finally for real this time, I can’t put together a second good intro for an article about the same thing as another. Not that my intros are all that great, but damned if I’m gonna do it.
To make up for the relatively small amount of text, you’ll notice that I make the font a lot bigger. Now it looks like something Maddox wrote! Hooray. But I have to get this ball rolling, so without any further ado, we shall plunge right into the second and last of my Easter-themed articles!

First off we have the Peeps Bunnies. Now I wasn’t a huge Peeps fan before, as you may recall, but this is stupid. Go back to the birds. Sure it’s the same thing, but at least make the damn things white or some other bunny colour. Pink is not a colour that I like to be associated with. When I use Peach in Super Smash Bros Melee, I always switch to the white costume. When using Zelda, I’m always Sheik. I don’t like pink. Peeps were created yellow and should stay yellow. I refused to read a paper we got in math class because it was pink. Boo, Peeps, boo.

Next thing I took a picture of is the marshmallow bunnies. More pink here, but an acceptable level of such. As you can see, there are only four bunnies in the picture. There were more, but they were communists, so I was forced to eat them. I think that these bunnies are much better than the Peeps Bunnies. Peeps just aren’t that good. And don’t you try to tell me different, because you know that I’m right. Why Peeps have so many fans is way beyond my comprehension.

Another Reese egg came around this year. I’m not sure what last year’s Reese egg tasted like, but I’m pretty sure that this one was worse. It tastes pretty bad to tell the truth. Reese should stick to the tried-and-true cups and give up trying to break into the egg market. They’re failing pretty bad there.

A box of Smarties. Gee, there are really interesting. The only thing I can say about ’em is that they’re chocolate flavoured and Easter coloured. They’re Smarties for God’s sake. Shut up.

Aaaah, the Cadbury Creme Eggs. Possibly the greatest delicacy of the Easter time. And that’s the saddest part. I just don’t seem to like these guys as much as I used to. What’s happening to me? Why do I not like junk foods that I once would kill for? Oh well, three Creme Eggs are better than one, so down the hatch they go. Hm. Word is an idiot. It keeps correcting “Creme” to “Crème”. Stupid computers. Wow I’m angry today. Why that is, I don’t know, as nothing has happened to me lately to justify said anger. Oh well.

Mmmm Mini Eggs. Now these things I’ll never not like. That candy coating… and the delicious chocolatey center… Oh wan I wish I could be eating them again right now. But again, there really isn’t much I can say about these. Other than their deliciousness, they’re pretty boring. Even the package is kinda lackluster.

Chocolate eggs. If you want me to say any more about ’em, fark you.

 

And this is the fantastic centerpiece of my chocolate empire. Or it was before it got eaten. You can’t quite tell, but it’s shaped vaguely like Homer. I was quite happy to receive a giant character chocolate, but then I realized why I hadn’t gotten one for so many years; the chocolate is of rather low quality, regardless of what the packaging claims. So it was a bit of a disappointment, but it’s a good box for putting stuff in. It’s even got a cool viewing window.

In an odd, ironic twist, my parents gave me a toothbrush. It makes sense, what with all that chocolate is gonna kill my teeth. Anywho, it’s one of those fancy-ass “spin brushes”, and I have no friggin’ idea how to use the thing. I can’t help it, I was raised on the normal toothbrush. So I’m going to have to get used to this behemoth… or just take out the batteries.

Last time I checked, the holiday was Easter, not Christmas. I’m grateful and all, but I’m as surprised as you are that I got something so expensive for such a low-level holiday. I guess it kind of explains the smaller amount of candy though. In any case, it saves me $60, so I won’t complain. I know you’re all kinda spooked that I’d want a Pokémon game, but that would mean you don’t know me too well. I like the Pokémon games. Or at least Blue anyway. This is the first Pokémon game I’ve been able to truly enjoy since the Yellow version came out.

And it’s a lot different from other Pokémon games too. It’s a lot more evil than all the other games, and that almost makes it okay for someone my age to be playing. I just look at this guy here. He is a total badass. Not only is he buffed up, but he’s got a necklace of Poké Balls. I bet he stole ’em all, killed the creatures inside, ate them, and painted his face and dyed his hair with their blood. Nope, no characters in the other games would even think of pulling shit like that. Plus there are no random battles, so I love it. Random battles are the bane of my existence.
And that’s that. It’s over 1000 words, so it’s long enough to qualify as a proper mini-review, so you can’t complain about nuttin’. This Easter was kinda boring, and rather expensive, but it turned out pretty well. I played Pokémon Colosseum for 5 hours straight yesterday. There really isn’t any appropriate way to end this one. So I’ll just end it here. Happy belated Easter, heathen bastards.

The Good Stuff:
  • Tons of chocolate
  • I got a non-bargain bin console game? Holy shit!
  • Everyone loves Cadbury
  • The Bad Stuff:
  • Chocolate gets annoying after you eat so much
  • Peeps bunnies are less fun to eat than the original Peeps
  • Am I rating a holiday? Materialism on a new level…
  • Dawn of the Dead (2004)

    In the transition between winter and spring, there are a lot of father-son bonding activities that are out of the question due to the weather, like skating, mini golf, and playing ball in the park. So when the best things to do are gone away, what do you do? You go see a movie. The movie me and my dad went to see during our last little adventure is titled Dawn of the Dead.

    Now I don’t know if I’ve told you before, but I love zombie movies. I’ve enjoyed every zombie movie I’ve seen, even Resident Evil. You’ve read my review of 28 Days Later (If you haven’t… *shakes fist*). Sure I may not have seen a lot of zombie moves, but I still like ’em all. And the craziest part of this is that my dad generally doesn’t like zombie flicks. The fact that even he was swayed by the look of Dawn of the Dead really gives you an idea how awesome this movie is even in commercial form.

    Now before I go summarizing the plot, I’d like to get one thing out of the way. I just can’t hold it in any longer. This movie is BAD ASS. And you know I mean it because it’s italicized, bolded, underlined and in caps. But I’m totally serious about this. The movie is full of everything I love; ass kicking, comedy, violence, and gore. And on top of all that there is a baby zombie. I wasn’t sure what to think of it at first, but then I realized that it was possibly the most evil-looking thing I’ve seen in a while.

    So now we work on the story part. It all starts with this nurse chick Anna getting home late. She sees a little girl on the way in and they talk about roller skating and such. Then she gets home and in comes this mostly irrelevant shower scene. It’s her and her husband in the shower, and nothing is shown. The only thing this here does is make them miss the “News Bulletin” that interrupts some show they weren’t watching. And thus, we know something is very awry.

    The next morning, her husband wakes up to someone gently rapping, rapping upon his chamber door. It’s little roller girl! Only she’s covered in blood. He goes over to see what’s wrong with her and says goodbye to his jugular vein. Blah blah blah, turns into zombie and Anna escapes in car after watching neighbor get hit with ambulance. She drives around and ends up in a bush with a gun pointed to her head.

    On the other end is black cop man, Kenneth. They run around and meet up with Michael, Andre and his wife Luda. Luda is very pregnant, and Andre is very intent on having that baby, for reasons other than the obvious which are explained later. (Can you spell “foreshadowing of zombie baby”?) Together, the crew sets off for the only safe place left: the mall. I was sure that would be the first place zombies would go, but whatever.

    After somehow getting into the locked mall (the only plot hole me and my dad were able to find), they blast a couple straggling zombies and are held up and captured by what’s left of the mall’s security guards; CJ, Bart, and Terry. CJ’s character is instantly built as a rather insane and very selfish guy. The good news is that he becomes a more likeable character later on. Not much more, but more nonetheless. The heroes turn the table on the guards, and capture them, minus Terry, who has defected to the side of the heroes. And now we learn that Luda has been bitten! (More zombie baby foreshadowing)

    While painting SOS signs on the roof, they catch a glimpse of a man trapped on the roof of his gun shop, Alan. They quickly become long-distance friends, and they communicate with dry erase marker boards and binoculars. Later, a truck of 8 or so survivors appears. Two of them are killed off instantly, having been bitten. Our heroes only now figure out that being bitten by zombies turns you into a zombie. I guess they’d never seen any zombie movies before.

    Blah blah blah, stuff happens, the find a dog, more people die, and I’m not going to give away any more of the plot. Not that there is really a plot, but I don’t want to spoil some of the cooler scenes or who dies with you. Let’s just put it this way, after the truck survivors appear is when the movie starts to get really good. It’s like when they got to this point while rewriting the script, they said “This movie is good, but we should still inject it with a large does of awesome”. And I bet they did.

    Speaking of rewriting the script, I should have mentioned that this is a remake. Some will say the original was better, but I haven’t seen it, so I’m looking at this one from a fresh point of view. There’s only one tiny little problem with this remake. And that would be that Dawn of the Dead is the second movie in a trilogy! Damn you James Gunn! What were you thinking? Now we have no idea why people are turning into zombies! My dad thinks it’s because they wanted to get right to the action and gore. I think he’s right.

    Other things I have to pick at? Well, for one, the “got into the mall that was locked all the way around” thing. That’s kind of an explanation-needer. Then there was the fact that some of the best characters died. To be completely honest, I didn’t like the small list of people who made it through. One of my favorite characters, the cynical asshole Steve, was so close to the… Oh crap. I’ve ruined it. Oh well.

    Oh yes! My biggest beef with the new version here is that they made the zombies super-zombies. You just can’t do that. 28 Days Later had an excuse; they weren’t really zombies. But in this movie here, they are your stereotypical brain-munching ghouls. Only now they can run like hell and act more like rabid dogs than, you know, zombies. If this trend continues, I’m going to get very mad at Hollywood for screwing with a working formula.

    Now that we’ve gotten the anger out of the way, here are some things I liked about the movie. There was plenty of awesome gore shots, and some of the best and messiest kills I’ve enjoyed for some time. And the action was top notch. Apparently, blowing up zombies work really well, and exploding a barrel of fuel right in the middle of a crowd works wonders. That and the shotgun blast to zombie melon were probably my favorite parts of the movie.

    One really cool little thing I noticed was that when they showed a shot of a banquet table after our heroes had eaten, there was a red and white bucket that said “PFK” on the side. Do you know what “PFK” means? It’s KFC in French! So I think we can all agree that either some of the movie was shot in Canada, or they went to Canada, got a bucket of the colonel’s finest, and used it as a prop, cause I’ll be damned if they print the buckets with French alternatives down in them United States.

    I also mentioned that there was a lot of funny in the movie. There wasn’t as much funny as ass-kicking, but it was perfectly balanced for a horror movie. For one, there was Steve. Pretty much everything that came out of his mouth was hilarious, because he was being such an asshole. Then there was the “Celebrity Zombie Snipe” game that Kenneth and Alan were playing after they got bored with long-distance chess. Some of the zombie kills were funny too, and even a couple zombies were a hoot themselves.

    Even the soundtrack is great, if only for one song. Richard Cheese’s take on Down With the Sickness. It suits the part of the movie when it’s played perfectly. That and the song is just freaking hilarious. Some of the other music is cool too, and even sets up a joke or two. Aw, who am I trying to kid? I’d buy the soundtrack just for the Down With the Sickness cover. It’s that great. Or at least I think so.

    What else do I need to say? The acting was pretty good I guess, but apparently I don’t know good acting anyway so there’s no reason to go into detail about that. Likewise, the story was all you can expect from a remake of a 1970’s zombie flick: Solid yet simple with few to no plot holes. The only thing that messed the story was the omission of the first freaking chapter.

    And that’s what I think of Dawn of the Dead. While a couple things could have been fixed, it was a great movie that even I, a guy who doesn’t buy movies, would buy. I recommend you go see it as soon as you can. Unless, you know, you’re a pussy and a movie like this isn’t your cup of pussy tea. This is a movie that everyone should see! I can’t stress that enough. And now I really want to find the original, just so I can make sure it kicked as much ass. Definitely an A for this one. It loses the + because of that ‘lack of the first movie’ flub.

    The Good Stuff:
  • Tons of gore and mayhem
  • Some hilarious scenes
  • Soundtrack features Richard Cheese
  • Zombie baby!
  • Titties!
  • The Bad Stuff:
  • Throws you into the middle of a story with no explanation
  • The “active zombie” thing is a bit annoying
  • Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure

    First of all, if you’re actually reading this, I salute you, as some people might have skipped it just because of the subject in question. And that makes me unhappy, because Pee-wee’s Big Adventure is a great movie. I can remember always enjoying Pee-wee’s Playhouse, and damned if I’m going to shun something just because of indecent exposure. But that aside, let’s get to the review.

    Like I said, I really loved Pee-wee’s Big Adventure, and just like with the Goonies, I watch it every time it’s on TV. It’s just one of those great adventure-type movies that never really gets old. All those funny one-liners and 80’s slang is infinitely entertaining. Plus, it stars Pee-wee Herman, possibly one of the greatest victims of extreme quirkiness ever.

    I guess a film review wouldn’t be very complete without a bit of a plot synopsis, so here we go. As our movie starts, we get Pee-wee doing his morning routine; eating a breakfast of Mr. T cereal, watering the lawn, and going for a ride on his bike. We’re also introduced to the yang to Pee-wee’s yin, (at least, I think that’s the term. In any case, Pee-wee’s sworn enemy,) Francis. This fat freak is more or less the main villain of the flick, so feel free to hate him as soon as you see him. After failing to be convinced to sell his bike to Francis, Pee-Wee goes on his way.

    He gets to the mall, stops by a magic shop to pick up some supplies and then heads to the bike store to get his custom bike horn. Dotty, Pee-wee’s friend and a worker at the bike shop, stops Pee-wee for a chat, and tries to convince him to take her on a date. But like me, Pee-wee just can’t confine himself to one woman, so he (rather ungraciously) declines and leaves, only to find that his bike has been stolen! Now this wouldn’t be such a big deal, but Pee-wee’s bike is clearly the alpha male of bikes.

    In a state of mixed panic and anger, Pee-wee rushes to accuse Francis, and opens our first scene of horror. Now Francis just happens to be having a bath when Pee-wee arrives, and that is a very, very bad thing for our eyes. While he is wearing a bathing suit, his form is much less than appealing, and we have to watch it blubber around for far too long. Though the scene does have some comedy value, it’s almost disturbing in its own little way.

    Since Francis didn’t have the bike, Pee-wee realizes that he’s gonna have to seek some help, so he calls a meeting of all his friends. When they prove to be no help, he winds up at a fortune teller’s place, and she tells him that his bike is in the basement of the Alamo. This sparks the beginning of Pee-wee’s big adventure, and my, is it a big adventure.

    The movie is full of everything, and doesn’t cut any corners. There is plenty of hilarity, and a lot of action to boot. Pee-wee meets a wide variety of people, including an escaped convict (he cut the tag off a mattress!), a ghostly truck driver, a wannabe-French waitress, her insanely jealous boyfriend, a hobo, and plenty of other outrageous characters. The fun never ends in this movie, but there is one scene that is really farking scary.

    When Pee-wee is walking down the highway in the dark, he gets picked up by a suspicious trucker. She calls herself Large Marge, and tells Pee-wee the story of a horrible trucking accident. The mood at this point has gone far from child’s comedy and gotten downright creepy. And then to top it all off, Large Marge scares the living crap out of Pee-wee and me, by turning into this horrible claymation monster. Sure, it doesn’t sound scary in words, but the first time I saw it I had nightmares for all too long, and every time I’ve seen it afterwards I left the room until I was sure the scene was over.

    Okay, maybe I’m making a much bigger deal of this than I should have, and maybe it’s not all that scary, but it was damn horrendous when my age was still a single digit. Come to think of it, this movie is a whole year older than me! I never realized that until now. Odd… But anyway, RoG at I-Mockery thinks is pretty damn freaky too, and people respect him more than me, so… so yeah!

    But back to the rest of the movie, as far as I can remember, it’s a far cry from the show, mostly because Pee-wee spends almost no time in his house. It’s quite sad, I can’t remember even a guest appearance by Chairy. And what is the secret word? We may never know… While Pee-wee’s dog Speck was in the movie, he only got a little bit of on-screen time. But to be completely honest, all I can really remember of Pee-wee’s Playhouse is the little parody thing they did on Family Guy.

    At least we still saw a lot of Pee-wee. That’s why anyone would watch the movie. Honestly, who could not want to be like him? He’s quite literally a grown man living the life of a child! Think about it for a moment, and if you can think of a better way to live life than acting like a kid, having no job (but still mysteriously getting income), eating Mr T cereal, and having the bike that everyone else wants, you’ve got one Hell of a problem.

    I should also mention that there are quite a few special guest appearances. My personal favourite was Twisted Sister, but also on the list are big stars like James Brolin and Godzilla. Actually… I think there was only one other, but if you wanna know for sure, just look it up or watch the movie and read the Special Guest Stars list in the credits.

    Now as for memorable scenes, the best one is easily the bar dance, where Pee-wee is caught by a biker gang and is given one last request. He uses it to pop a coin into the jukebox, grab a pair or dance shoes, and then rocks out to “Tequila”. His dance wins the collective affection of the gang, and they send him out on his way on a motorcycle, only to have him crash into a signboard, resulting in absolute hilarity.

    Another scene you’ll more than likely take notice of, is when Pee-wee is chaining up his bike outside the mall. The producers obviously missed a little something, as Pee-wee pulls a very long chain out of a compartment that obviously couldn’t hold it, and when they zoom in on the box, you can see the chain being fed into the bottom of it. Sure, it’s unintentional funny, but it’s one of the parts I remember best.

    So in the end, Pee-wee’s Big Adventure is one Helluva movie. Unless you still harbour some kind of grudge against Paul Rubens, I can’t see a way that anyone could not enjoy this movie. It quite literally has a little something for everybody, and it’s a lot of fun. I’d buy it, but I just don’t do that kind of thing. You on the other hand, I advise you to at least try to catch it next time it’s on TV, cause it’s definitely worth your time. Especially if you can’t sleep and want something to do. A+

    The Good Stuff:
  • It’s Pee-Wee
  • TEQUILA!
  • Classic 80’s humour
  • I pity the fool that don’t eat Mr. T Cereal!
  • The Bad Stuff:
  • It’s Pee-Wee
  • Large Marge will GIVE YOU NIGHTMARES
  • I don’t eat Mr. T cereal…
  • True Crime: Streets of LA

    Once again, I’ve been playing a game that would seem a little different from the status quo. Sure I dislike Grand Theft Auto 3 and Vice City, but True Crime is in a whole different ballpark. If you havent played it or actually talked to someone who has played it, you’d probably think that is is indeed a GTA clone, but that’s not even a half-truth, it’s only a 6th-truth. Or so I’ll assume. I was never too good at math.

    I must admit that at first I thought that it was “a GTA with good graphics”. and I was right and wrong at the same time. Now the graphics alone are pretty well done. The character and car models are great, though pedestrian skins are limited, and the actual environments look fabulous. But this is also one of the game’s failings. There are graphical glitches everywhere. And most of them are big ones, with people walking into the ground, and with huge gaps between sidewalks and lawns. It’s really a shame, because other than all the huge errors, the graphics are pretty polished and, well, pretty.

    As for the music, you know how I feel about rap, and the game is absolutely full of it. I think only about 2 or 3 songs on the entire soundtrack don’t qualify as rap or hip-hop. Though in this game, they fit. Mystifyingly enough, I didn’t turn them off (even though the option does present itself). Somehow it just felt right.

    The sound effects and vocals are great. From the explosions to the pitter-patter of pimps jaunting down the street, all is well and aurally satisfying. Actually, I can’t remember if there are footstep noises, but for the sake of making the game seem better we’ll say there are. The quotes are funny and sometimes clichéd, but hey, they work. And the way that different people act to different situations is great. When shooting a bad guy, if a lady is present, she’ll probably scream out “They’re killing everybody!” and run off, while after a frisking, any black guy will say “Didn’t anyone catch that on video?”. My personal favorite comes from picking up a health thingy: “Even my jock itch is cured!”.

    Now the story is pretty sold, as far as cop stuff goes. Our hero, Nick Kang, is your typical half-Asian rogue cop whose dad was a cop and died mysteriously on duty. Then all the cliché cop story plot twists, including dirty cops, Russian mafias, conniving hookers and crazy sushi chefs come into play and we get an expected, yet fulfilling story. My only gripe is that in one chapter, there are zombies, ghosts, flaming skulls and dragons. The story was totally plausible and then they go and mess it up. And to top that, you know what they did? They passed it off as a dream sequence. Worst possible story twist EVER. Trust me guys, I don’t know much, but I know that dream sequences are bad news.

    One last merit is that there are 3 endings, with a good and bad version of both, effectively creating 6 possible endings. None of them are all too long or interesting, but it gives you something to go for, and I’m not gonna complain. I like multiple endings.

    Now we get to the real game. First of all, the basic stuff is generally an extended version of the PSX’s World’s Scariest Police Chases (and I love that game). By extended I mean you can get out of the car, and there is more than one type of street crime that criminals can commit. There are drive-bys, cannibals, pimps, catfights, you name it. Plenty to keep occupied.

    The fighting system is pretty cool, and allows you to learn new moves and throws as the game progresses, making beating up enemies that much more fun. The only thing is that besides (final) boss characters, the enemies are way too easy, and you could easily pummel 6 guys at once. The shooting elements are great, as you can pull of bullet-time jumps, and the aiming system itself works really well. One little note, shooting a car in the gas tank will cause it to explode in one shot, and it’s very, very fun to watch. Don’t even try it if you want to be a good cop.

    And speaking of good cop, there is a system in the game that lets you decide whether you want to be good or bad. Like Black & White almost. It’s a simple system, and the less people you kill, the better off you are. I don’t know if you get anything for being bad, as I played through the whole game good, but you do need to be good to get to the last few levels.

    The replay value of the game is, sadly, pretty weak. If there was a multiplayer mode like in WSPC, it would live forever, but it just isn’t there. The game itself proved to be just a little too easy, with any difficult parts being way too difficult and way too rare. There are quite a few levels to go through, but most of them are short and you’ll probably be waiting for it to load longer than you’ll be playing.

    The one most redeeming factor of the game is that your hero and mine, Snoop Dogg, is an unlockable character. The only problem is the grueling process of unlocking him. Around the city are 30 dogg bones, and they’re very small and very hard to find. There is another way, and it’s a simple button code.

    For Cubers – R, L, (Dpad) Up, Right, Left, Down, Z, Z, A, Y, X, Y.

    Anyone else, you have to look it up yourself. :p

    But getting all those bones is totally worth it. I loved playing as Snoop. He’s just so hilarious. All his cussin’ and being a total badass just make that game that much more fun. Oh, and I can’t forget the pimpmobile.

    Other than that, the only real unlockables are new cars and a “bonus” FMV of some CIA guy getting his groove on. Any other “unlockables” are really just new moves or upgrades for the stuff you already have, and for the most part aren’t worth the trouble.

    I had it for 3 days, beat it 100%, and enjoyed doing it, but I don’t think I’ll be spending any more cash on this one. If there was something I forgot to mention, sorry, but it’s pretty late and I wanted to do this before I completely lost the urge to. After all my raving/bashing, my final score will be a B. Maybe it deserves better, maybe it deserves worse. It’s really all up to you to decide, because this is just my opinion.

     

    The Good Stuff:
  • Good cop/Bad cop aspect adds a little variety
  • Shaking down random people is hilarious
  • SNOOP!
  • Did I see Ron Jeremy in there?
  • Plays better than GTA
  • The Bad Stuff:
  • A little too short and easy
  • No replay value
  • Dogg bones are a major pain to find
  • The soundtrack is all rap/hip-hop
  • Piglet’s Big Movie Game

    Given my personality, you might be surprised when I say I don’t play a whole lot of video games targeted for kids around the age of 5 or less. Then again, there don’t seem to be a whole lot of those. And then again again, most that I’ve seen are total crap, mostly in the form of terrible gameplay. Even the graphics are shunned when making a game for small children. But there is at least one game that totally shatters this mold. Obviously you know what I’m talking about, unless you managed to misread both the link and the title. For any of youse who did pull that off, I’m talking about Piglet’s Big Game.

    Just to clear my name, my youngest brother owns this game, I did not rent or buy it for myself. He wanted me to play with him, and I enjoy playing games, so I couldn’t say no. Though since it isn’t too bad a game, I guess I really don’t have any need to justify my playage of it.

    I’ll start with the superficial stuff first. In a word, the graphics are beautiful. They are really great, even Luigi’s Mansion-esque, if you will. And Luigi’s Mansion has some of the best graphics I’ve ever seen. Back to Piglet, the character models are really nice and literally well rounded. No blocky crap here. The environments are also really nicely done. They all bask in 3D glory, but the way the game is, they probably could have been pre-rendered. More on that in a minute.

    The music is there, nothing to be all that proud of, but not something where you’ll turn off the volume so you don’t have to deal with it. Like with most games and movies, the music is able to set a certain mood, and accompanies each different environment. The voice acting is superb, and I assume that they got the same VAs for the game as they did for the movie (which I’ve never seen, that’s why I’m assuming). But I know the voices of the Winnie the Pooh characters, and if they aren’t the same, they sure do a good impression.

    The story is based around Piglet helping out his friends. Gee, how could this be any more cliché? There is a twist: he helps them by going into their dreams. He’s like the Anti-Freddy. I’m having a hard time deciding if that joke was really funny or really lame. Obviously, each character is represented in his dream world, and they all have their own little problems. I’m sure they could sort things out by themselves, but the dreams have been invaded by heffalumps and woozles. For all you out there who have no clue what I’m talking about, they’re elephants and weasels. Scary elephants and weasels. So Piglet beats these guys and helps out his friends. I haven’t finished the game, so I don’t know how it ends. Sorry. I know you were dying to find out.

    As far as gameplay is concerned, the game is pretty solid. It’s kind of like a slow paced adventure game. We’ve got Piglet wandering finding items and beating up enemies. “Beating up” is a bit of a misleading term. He actually scares them out of existence. Yep, Piglet scares scary dream monsters out of existence. No matter how you say it, it can’t sound right. But that’s how it goes down. Along the way, there are cookies hidden all over the place, and they can be revealed by kicking random and often obvious objects. These cookies are used to “purchase” new “brave faces”. Brave faces are, by most general description, Piglet’s attacks.

    After finishing a level, you can even go back and play a new mode called “Bravest of Them All”, in which you’re sent to chase down all the heffalumps and woozles. Only thing is, now they run away, and you don’t have to “fight” them, just catch them. As for a catch, there is a time limit for each room, and boy are they harsh. You have to be perfect to do it successfully. There is absolutely NO room for error. A trait never before seen in a game for young children. I love it.

    The levels themselves are really the high point of the game. Each level is molded around what that specific character might have on his mind. For example, Eeyore is a pretty depressed guy, and his world shows it. The first part is a very spooky Halloween-like place, with gloom and misery rampant, and the second part is a creepy castle which has lost its colour. Then there’s Roo’s level. I can’t explain why, but his world is like one big craft. Everything is made out of cardboard and got the Crayon treatment. It looks like something out of Yoshi’s Story, or at least the Yoshi’s Story level of Super Smash Bros. I think it’s a really neat way to do it, and can provide for some very interesting experiences. I won’t find out personally, but I think this game would be cool to play while in some sort of inebriated state.

    While the game is absolutely great from an artistic standpoint, I do have a few qualms with it. For one, the “battles” are just a little too hard for anyone who doesn’t know the controller layout by heart, and may discourage some players. Kids are easy to discourage. But I was just fine, of course. Secondly, the pace is far too slow. Piglet plods along, and you’ll probably want to stay one hit from death just because he runs a lot faster in that condition. Even though I like the idea of playing as Pooh and Tigger, they’re also way too slow. I don’t care if his parts are stealth-based, Tigger should move a lot faster than he does, and not tiptoe everywhere. Lastly, it might just be me, but every time I play this game I get really sleepy. It’s not a boring game, but it just puts me to sleep really well. Like it’s got some kind of hypnosis thing in it. Hmmm…

    There are a few bad points to the game, but I have even more good points. A couple, mainly the voice acting and the level design, have already been expressed. One thing I really like about the game is that it can play with your emotions, mostly it’ll make you laugh. The Brave faces are almost all funny to see in action; in one Piglet goes all Satan, and I was just rolling around laughing after I saw that for the first time. Piglet himself is a pretty funny guy, and seeing him run around absolutely terrified is funny, as long as pity for the little guy doesn’t get in the way. The other characters offer some comic relief too. Rabbit’s original problem is that he’s stuck in the ground like a carrot, and just spills over with irony. And we can’t forget Pooh, who is totally loveable and jocular as always. Conversely in Eeyore’s level, there is actually an element of creepiness. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s there.

    There are unlockables, and they consist of scenes from the game and clips from Piglet’s Big Movie. Not exactly the greatest of prizes, but hey, breadsticks is breadsticks. Options are limited, but they offer a Final Fantasy 9ish game of catch the frog. There is no multiplayer to speak of, but you weren’t expecting any, were you?

    And now that I’m getting far too close to a decent word count, I’ll part and say that Piglet’s Big Game is most definitely the greatest kiddy game that I’ve ever played. Although Mickey’s Magical Mirror game was pretty good too. Damn, now I’m not sure which one I like better. But then again, Magical Mirror wasn’t exactly a kid’s game, it was pretty complicated… Ah Hell, I’ll just go ahead and give Piglet an A-. Though I did give Magical Mirror a 5… It was a bit more fun… Who would have ever thought that this reviewing thing would be so tough? That’s it, I’m just gonna stick with what I said, even if it does contradict itself over and over. But I’ll draw your attention away from that with a funny picture of a banana. Enjoy!

    I am a banana!!

    The Good Stuff:
  • Excellent graphics and sound
  • Every level has a distinct style/theme
  • Plenty of humour
  • Way above average for a kid/licensed game
  • Bonus modes for completed levels
  • Respectable difficulty for small children…
  • The Bad Stuff:
  • …But far too easy for someone my age
  • Very slow gameplay. Even as Tigger
  • Cookies are sometimes annoying to hunt down
  • 28 Days Later

    Today I’m gonna try something new. It’s what I’m gonna call a “mini-review”. It’s just like a normal article, except it’s a lot shorter and has no pictures. Plus the lack of proper intro and conclusion. This doesn’t count, it’s just explaining how the mini-review works. Maybe sometimes there will be a couple pics, but not for today at least. I think that I’ll start on a high note today, and review my first movie. Sure, I said I’d do a review of Airplane, but that fell through because I can’t find it and I swore off downloading movies and music. So like the title says, I’m gonna take a quick look at the newest zombie horror-type film, 28 Days Later.

    Now before I get into it, 28 Days Later is not your standard zombie flick. Sure, the plot might be somewhat similar to a certain movie about a certain Resident Evil, but on the whole, it’s a very original movie, in all respects. At least I think so.

    It starts off with some animal rights geeks busting into a monkey testing lab. A lone scientist begs them to get out and leave the monkeys in the cages, but you know those anal animal rights geeks. They don’t listen, and bam! world-threatening situation. See, these monkeys were infected with what the now-dead science guy calls “rage”. It seems that it turns the carrier into a bloodthirsty monster. And now the plot is settled.

    The greatest part of the movie is undeniably the way the title is worked in. After the monkey attack, the screen goes black, says “28 days later…” in the corner, and goes to 28 days after the incident. Here we find our hero, cleverly named Jim, naked and alone in a hospital. He awakes to find the place a mess and the city deserted. After stumbling around for a while, Jim runs into his first “infected”, ironically, a priest. He runs, and several infected chase him until they’re blown up by some mysterious masked not-infected.

    So they save him and get all “we need to survive” on him. I only remember the chick’s name was Selina (I think), because the other guy gets hacked to bits later on. Then Jim and his new buddy find some other buddies, a fat guy named Frank and his daughter Hannah. They all go on a road trip to find some kind of sanctuary. And then Frank gets mad at a crow, resulting in the dropping of infected blood in his eye. Oh, I forgot to mention that the “rage” travels by blood, and getting even a single drop of it in your bloodstream will have you turn into a murderous animal of your former self within 22 seconds.

    I’ll leave you there, because I don’t want to spoil the rest of the movie for you. Already I think I’ve given too much away. Then again, you know from the first time you see him that Frank is gonna die. So I’ll say that I’m in the clear this time. Now to look at the more cinematograpical parts of the movie. It’s fun to make new words.

    I’m not sure why, but people seem to be very critical of actors’ acting ability. Personally, I can’t tell exactly what good acting is from bad acting, so it’s really all the same to me. I suppose that you’d say the actors are good in this particular movie. I know that the infected give rather convincing performances. Especially the army guy, who you’ll get to know better when you watch the movie.

    Speaking of the infected, they are what really separate this film from other zombie flicks. These guys are not your daddy’s zombies. While they look like the generic zombie (perhaps less decaying) they certainly don’t act like ’em. These guys are fast. They run like Hell until they’ve caught their prey or die trying. They’re essentially people reduced to the lowest form of animal consciousness, and covered in gore. Not to mention their enjoyable pastime of spitting up buckets of blood.

    The music is for the most part what you would expect, very moody and frightening. But when things aren’t totally down the crapper for the stars, the music is very upbeat and happy, soothing even. I don’t know how to explain why it works, but it does. And (to my knowledge) it’s all made specifically for the film, no bands of any sort that I could recognize.

    As for anything else, the special effects were great. Actually, all effects were great. They actually filmed it in London of wherever, and somehow they did it without any signs of life at all. No lights on, no car, no people, no noise. Nothing. It’s really something you can think about and appreciate. The infected effects were above par, mostly because they didn’t have to do the falling apart like most zombies, and just put lots of fake blood all over them and pop in some red contacts. I should also mention that there is a nice amount of exploding in the flick, and good explosions can salvage almost any movie. I also liked when they did “infected-cam” scenes. I’m not totally sure why, but they were a fun part of the movie.

    The DVD extras are always my least favorite part. They’re usually crappy storyboards or music videos. This one came with storyboards, production photos, and a nice surprise, 3 extra endings. My beef is that two of the endings are the same ending, just cut into two. The third one, the “Radical Alternate Ending” is the crème de la crème of special features. It’s a storyboard with voice-overs that shows a completely different end, not just with a minor twist like the previous two. I would have loved if it had been shot and put in, as it seemed like it would be enjoyable to watch. Heck, I liked it a little more than the real ending. I’m not sure if there were any other features, cause I didn’t check, but chances are they weren’t worth checking out anyway.

    Overall, I really loved 28 Days Later. It wasn’t scary in the least, but it was a lot of fun. The only part I didn’t like was the brief and obscure wang shots, and the man butt. But those were over right away, and they were quick so they didn’t interfere too much. Sadly, that was the only type of nudity in the movie, but that can be forgiven. There was plenty of blood and gore, which I loved. Nothing better for a horror than tons of gore. There was plenty of cursing, which I’m impartial to, and the “attempted rape” scene was barely that. The story was solid, at least I think so, and it made enough sense to be plausible. This movie definitely gets my seal of approval. A+

    The Good Stuff:
  • Seamless title integration
  • Plenty of gore
  • Plausible story
  • Cool, ass-kicking pseudo-zombies
  • One sweet bonus ending (even if it is in storyboards)
  • The Bad Stuff:
  • Hollywood zombies will never be the same…
  • Man ass
  • The other two bonus endings are lackluster